"Be you angels? And we said NAY!"

Yes, it's been ages since I've actually opened my blog to write something interesting.. I know, I've deprived you all of my fancy words, great thoughts and absolute sheer coolness. I'm sorry for that.

But look! I came back! Oh yes I did.. =D

I've been literally, enjoying my life to the absolute fullest these past few weeks.. I've experienced things I never thought I would, or possibly was clouded against. Moments like being in a fast car, with the window wide open and singing to all sorts of songs with your mates, whilst driving down to the pizza place at 3AM.. Is just one of the many things that have made me feel alive.. Like myself. Yeah, it may seem really silly and very everyday-like.. But I don't think I've ever felt more free, and completely footloose.

Being away from uni, feels so odd now. It feels like a whole part of me has gone on a long pause, until I go back. I just feel like a very different person now.. A more lively, more open and happier person. I love this feeling. It's like I'm always on this great high.

Being at uni, is such a different experience. It's been six weeks only, and yet I feel like I know some of the people I've met, for years. We don't have big massive discussions about how life is like this or like that, or how our pasts have affected us, if at all. We don't care about the specifics about people.. There's no care about where you've come from and what kind of family you've come from. It's all about you, as an individual. It's all about moulding your own views, beliefs and opinions..

These past several weeks have taught me so much about myself. I'm finally at a place of absolute comfortablity (if such a word exists!) .. No one dictates your actions or words, and most of all, no one judges you either. Whoever you are, whatever you've done - you're accepted. And what makes it far better are the friends I've made, who are real individuals. No one is a clone. And most of all, no one is from East London.. 'Nuff said!

I've talked so much about growing up in this blog of mine.. Though I don't think I ever did. Things from the past, or new struggles at the time always stopped me from achieving what I wanted to. Yeah, I always used to say "from now on, I'm going to take this or that with a pinch of salt".. Erm, yeah.. Kind of saw how well that worked. It was always this sick-cycle. But I am pleased and absolutely bloody glad to say that I've managed to break that cycle.

It's no wonder everyone always says.. "The university years you'll go through, will be the best years." I can see why that comment would be true.

Finally, I've been going through a lot of change with my music as of recently.. And I have to say, The Beatles are becoming a rather large part of it. I. Love. Them. So here's one of my favourite songs by them.. The quality isn't that good, but it's worth a watch/listen.

"Stand on the edge with me.."

You know that feeling.. That undescribeable feeling, when you're running so fast, and all you can feel is your heart thumping rapidly and you can feel droplets of sweat across your forehead with your feet that just don't seem to stop at all.. And you just keep going and going.. And just feel so absolutely free! Well take that feeling, and multiply it by a thousand, and maybe.. Just maybe, you'll see how I feel right now.

The move to uni was very smooth.. I wasn't that nervous when I found my room and settled in. I was more excited than anything really.. To meet my flat mates, to get started with freshers' week, to do all of the new student things.. And just have a good time. And I did.

It's been an interesting past 2 weeks of my life.. One that I've waited for, for far too long.. Judging by how the past year has been for me, lord knows.. I needed this. And I know for sure, that I deserve it as well. (Wow, that was probably the first time I've ever said that!)

All the moments leading up to this part of my life, was worth it. All that I had gone through, for all these years, be it good or bad, was worth every bit.. I have a slight inkling, that this year will get better as it progresses. None of that negativity, or sadness anymore.. This is where it all starts to go uphill. And I don't "hope" for it.. I know it.

So here's to all of you, who have begun a new part of your life. It feels great.. Doesn't it?

PS: Here's a song, that has become my favourite over the past few weeks.. Goo Goo Dolls - Before it's too late.

Run Like Mad

Here I go.. One more time.

In exactly 7 days time, I will be taking the first step to a new phase in my life. It's been a long time since I took on a phase I actually wanted to live through. This particular one though, I've waited ages for..

It's kind of surreal to be honest. Everything I wanted, I got. I wanted to get into Royal Holloway, and I did.. I wanted to do Psychology, and I'm getting to do that course.. I wanted to move out, and wanted to become independent (in a non-losing myself kind of way).. And most of all, I wanted this feeling that I have right now.. This feeling of absolute freedom.. and feeling like "THIS IS IT!".. Everything is starting to make sense now.

I'm finally at a place where I feel more comfortable than I thought I could this year.. Through all the trials I went through, I never thought.. Not even in my wildest dreams that one day, I'd be standing here.. Just days away from the life I've wanted. Sometimes it can feel a bit scary.

The year that I had so far, since leaving Dubai last year.. Was one that I never want to experience again. I am thankful for the bad things I had to endure, and the pain that I had to suffer.. It is because of that, I am here today.. Standing straight. And obviously, I need to thank one particular person for having so much patience with me.. And seeing me through all of that, and standing by my side.. He's been an angel.

I can now say with honesty.. I am alive.

PS - To everyone beginning university this year: Good luck, and have an absolutely fabulous time. Enjoy it as much as you can, and don't be afraid to try anything new =)

My heart is in my hands
My head is in the clouds
My feet have left the ground
My life is turning around and round.
Every voice inside my head is telling me to Run like mad..

Ahem

Okay, so we all remember Justin Timberlake as the curly-haired-girlie-high-pitched-voiced person from the pop-band N'Sync.. And well, over the past few years, the guy has become quite famous on his own and although his music isn't something I particularly listen to, or enjoy.. He has become quite good looking!!

Don't you think?!

Remember tonight.. For it is the beginning of always

For a while now, I've been considering to use this title as part of a post.. But somehow it just never fit, with the kinds of events that were taking place. Until now.

So, I got my A-Level results a few days ago, and to my massive surprise I found that I did particularly well. I'm really happy with my results, and so glad that, the waiting for that part is over. Those two months were longer than any months I've ever had! The moment leading upto me opening the white envelope was one that I don't think I can ever forget - the feelings of absolute uncertainty, anxiousness, overthinking thoughts and just immense anticipation, was one that I believe is hard to let go of, even after the relief.

Every step I took towards the doors of my college I felt my heart beat right through my body. And yes, that *is* one of the most nerve-wrecking moments in a student's life. Well, most anyway.

I now know what my future for the next three years is.. After such a long time, I have something set in stone. And that is, that I am going to be a student at "Royal Holloway: University of London". =)

Dear Miss Vohra

Congratulations; Royal Holloway, University of London has asked us to tell you that it is offering you a place for Psychology, C800; starting in September 2007 at point of entry 1.

I was thinking to myself, how would it have been if my dad was around today. He would've probably thrown the most exquisite party, would've bought me the most strangest, useful and expensive gifts and would've spoilt me silly. He would sit me down and tell me.. "right, now you have to do this". Thankfully I have such people in my life who can guide me.

I did this all by myself. All the tears I cried for this day, all the hopes I had, all the dreams that were destroyed.. The instability, the months where I thought that this was it - I was doomed for darkness.. And god, this list just goes on. After all of that, having gotten through the two most toughest years I've ever experienced so far, and coming out with flying colours - is something to be proud and happy about. I for one know, my mum is so very happy. And my dad - well I'm pretty sure he's having a feast up there.

This is it - wow, I've wanted to say those words for so long. Too long have I waited to feel this.. happiness and this, gladness. So, Here begins my new journey. Here begins the day I was waiting for, for all these years. Here begins the beginning of always.

This one, is for you - mum and dad.

Perhaps a smile like this.. Is what I think.

Notes of a Strange Nature

*Opens up skull.. Looks inside to see floating brain, and begins to speak..*

- I've found the perfect "good-bye" speech. As in, if someone's leaving you, and you want to wish them well, or whatever it is. Courtesy of Whitney Houston's all time classic, "I will always love you". The lyrics:

I hope, life treats you kind,
and I hope, you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you joy, and happiness
But above all this, I wish you, love.

For some reason, it makes me get really teary.. But it's also something that I'm likely to say, without knowing these lyrics. So it fits well.

- Two weeks today, will be the day that will dictate a large and extremely vital part of my life: A-Level Results. It will be the day, I can finally put my endless questions, issues and everything in between to rest. I will finally know what I'm going to be doing, and a much awaited, new phase of my life will start. And believe you me, I will greet it with the massivest smile and the hugest open arms ever. It will be more than welcome, no matter which way it chooses to go. I'm desperately awaiting it, is what I know.

- Cookie and Frosty have been officially labelled - The Big Boys ©. They are, quite the biggies. Fluffy, stocky and ahem.. Chubby. Absolutely perfect. And they chase away all other cats that they don't like. However, they'd invite in a robber into our house, as long as the robber gave them love. Tsk

- "Hope" is a useless word, and feeling.. Or, whatever it is.. At least in relation to myself.

- Living half the globe away, can sometimes be hard.

- Sometimes you need to put your issues aside in order to save something you know you want. No matter how ugly it gets.

- I love Family Guy.

And to end the post.. Here is a quote from, Stewie Griffin, from Family Guy. [And for the record, women are always difficult!]

And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult.

Someday..

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel the glow just thinking of you..

It's a strange thing.. Missing someone, isn't it? You think about all the great times you had with that person, and wonder how much longer you'll have to wait till you can make more memories. It's like a part of you goes missing, until you see them once again.. And it feels like torture, when in actual fact it's somehow bringing the two of you closer.. It's strange.

But you somehow, always manage to just get used to it.. And then, it becomes something that doesn't really bother you so much, until you actually begin to notice it yourself in those odd moments.

Been vague enough for the day?

Faith

It's quite an unfortunate thing, when one loses faith. Faith in themselves, their surroundings, going on to another day, and losing faith otherwise as well.

We always hope for things.. Always wish for something or another to work out, to take on the path we want it to take for our own happiness. Ofcourse, it's selfish. But at times, no matter how hard you hope for something, it just keeps walking by you, without stopping to take you on board. Now that, is just painful.

Through certain situations in my life.. I've always had faith that one day the pain I was put through, would come to use. Would mean something bigger than I felt it to be.. That I'd be faced with a brighter day, without any tears. There were, ofcourse, times when those days came along. The kind that make your soul feel so alive, so extremely unburdened and free. It gives you this incredible feeling of soaring through the clouds, and feeling this sense of absolute peace, love and serenity. Lord knows, I need to feel like that right now. It's been too long..

Through other moments of your life, you spend being there for people you love and care for. Be it in massive doses or even light doses.. You try and make a difference by being there for them, either to stop their tears, or to give them the strenght to face the difficult hours that lay ahead of them. Whatever it may be, you always try. I know I have.. It's just undescribably torturous when you begin to feel like you're the only one always there.. And yet, not having that person there for you, when you need them the most.. Other things, that needn't be dealt with at the time, become more of a priority, than the excruciating pain you feel inside.

Whether you're a believer or not, you seek for something better almost always. Whether you choose to do it by prayers, meditation or through a more personal way, it's upto you. You pray for all those things to somehow come and fix your broken self.. And somewhere along the line, you begin to believe that maybe this is your road to salvation. Maybe this is where all the pieces of your broken soul will come to heal.. But what happens instead? Those pieces are tormented some more, broken into smaller shreds that eventually begin to fade away, and then die. But yet somehow, you always come back to this very faith. You come back to it, hoping that maybe this time it'll somehow calm you down, and help you retrieve your old self. But what happens next? You're shredded once again.. To a point where, defining yourself becomes so difficult. And so unbelievably impossible.. And then you're just left standing, with pieces of your soul right infront of your eyes.. And all you can do is sit and wonder, where you went wrong.

You start doubting yourself, and how you could've stopped something from happening, or done it differently altogether. You start noticing where you went wrong, even though you really haven't.. You just try and find reasons for yourself, so that it seems justifyable enough to blame yourself.. Just so you can slowly start decomposing. But then, a day comes when you realise that, no.. You are bigger than all of this.. You are bigger than the pain that person put you through. You start realising that they are at fault, because their lives somehow got more full along the way, and you just become smaller, and smaller day by day.. to the point where you feel like a stranger in the crowd.

Over the past couple of months, I've heard people tell me that I've hurt them in some way or another.. Words like that, can not only kill you inside.. but also make you feel like the smallest creature on earth. You sit and trace back your steps.. You wonder, how it's even possible that something like that could've happened by you.. Because just a few days before, everything was alright. Everyone was okay.. But yet again, it's a test of faith. To see how much faith you have in yourself, your actions and words. To see how much faith you have in conquering such an obstacle.

As of lately I've become the result of what happens to something when it begins to decay - Faith, hope, love, trust, all those words.

You jump.. I jump, Jack!

The past week has been quite tolerable compared to the rest of the year so far.. Which is new to me. I had plenty of interesting moments with Ayisha, and myself actually.. Again, a suprise to me. And, I got over my fears of planes (well, sort of.)

I went Gliding on Sunday.. And it was brilliant. Although it's technically not an aeroplane, which makes it even scarier, it was so much fun. Up in the air, 2,500 feet above the ground.. And circling just beneath the clouds was a sense of peace. It was gorgeous. It was brilliant because I got to control the glider for about 10 - 15 minutes myself.. And at first it was a bit nerve-wrecking, just for a minute.. but then it just all seemed so fantastic! Martin, my instructor, taught me how to straighten the glider, how to get it down to a certain level highness, how to make sure the nose stays straight and not too high or low (both ways - extreme pressure to the head, that inevitably lead to a disgusting migraine!). But it was a great experience. Next on the list: Bungee Jumping or Sky diving!

Today is Friday the 13th.. Need I say anymore. I've already ranted about this before. And it still stays the same! Apart from the fact that I'd find myself lucky to see a headless horseman ride through the streets of crummy old Forest Gate at 11.59PM tonight. I mean come on, how often do you get to see a "headless" horseman eh?

In other things:

1 - Stop asking me if I'm "okay" or not.. Just because my posts have been rather sombre.

2 - Women tend to blame men for all of their issues. I don't understand why, because well.. More often than not, it's the women who cause the issues! Unless the man is one to cheat, I think all of the problems start with the women. They have this thing in them, which just makes them say and do stupid things.. Also known as, Hormones. Even without them, women are just problem-creators, and have generally nothing better to do than to blame men for everything. Tsk. How sad it must be for men, to sit and listen to women go on and on about absolute crap. As you can tell, I'm not a fan of the female specie.

3 - I'm all variations of what boredom does to someone. Make sense of that.

4 - If someone does not want to go somewhere, and socialise with people, do not force them. It is irritating, and absolutely blood-boilingly unnecessary. Instead, just let them be, and if they want to come along, they will. Because, all family gatherings are usually boring, pointless and artificial. Stay home, and stare at the wall.. At least you'll have a better conversation.. Or laugh.

5 - The year of 2007 is the worst year to have ever been witnessed by many. Eugh.

6 - "Give me a reason to believe".. Is one of the most cleverest things someone out there has said!

7 - I need to go somewhere.

And that's about it for now.

Abyss

a - byss
- noun

1. a deep, immeasurable space, gulf, or cavity; vast chasm.
2. anything unfathomable, or infinite
3. the infernal regions; hell.

.. In other words, look around yourself and you'll see it.

To, My Daddy..

In Loving Memory Of..

It's been five years.. Since my dad passed away. It seems like just yesterday he was around, pinching me whilst I held on to his big index finger and crossed the roads.

These past five years have been a constant test for me.. I think I've been through more than people go through by their thirties.. It's been half a decade since I saw him last, smiling at me from his window as he drove away and left that smile with me forever.

Each year that passes without him, I see how we all grow. I see how much we change, and how much stronger we all become. It's like he left so much behind, yet everything we knew of was taken away in just a second. He was, and still remains to be the biggest part of my world.

This year, it's been particularly difficult to move past a lot of things.. There were moments, like the last year of my A-levels, which made me yearn for him to be with me. He was there for both my sisters when they ended their A-levels and went on to university.. It feels rather empty going through such things without him.. But I know, he'll be forever looking down upon me.. I think that's the thought that gets me through the day more than anything.

I don't think I've ever lived through a day in the past 5 years where I've not thought or spoken of my dad.. Words can never describe what he meant to me. He was like this angel who came to me for a short while, but left me to guide myself through the rest of my life. There have been times where I have wondered why me? Why take something I need and want everyday of my life, from me? Why make me feel so freaking confused at every step of the way.. and make me drown myself in such dark places, where there's only bleakness? There are so many unanswered questions.. But then I look at the picture of my dad. I look at how glorious he was. I look at how much pain there was in his eyes from all those years, and I see the smile he gives despite it all.. And I know, that no matter how hard times got, he always found a way to make it all alright. He never, not once gave up. I've never heard of a time where he gave up.. He always fought, through his life, for his dreams and for us, his family. He never knew what giving up meant. He'd never brood or moan and groan around, he'd just be.. And he'd make everyday so special. He'd make it so worthwhile.. Just by being in it.

This past year I've learnt so much about him. I've learnt things I never knew of.. And I've learnt how much of an extraordinary man he was. It's no wonder he was taken away from this.. This abyss. I heard of stories from when he was a child, to a teenager, to being a brother and a husband and then a father and also a best friend. In all the roles he played, he did a brilliant job.. Because till date, I have not heard a single bad word about that man.. Because he never knew of the bad. He was just.. undescribable.

Even though it's been five whole years.. There's still so much more I am yet to learn about him. There's still so much more about him that cannot be said in just five years. He lived a full life.. And embraced every moment with such beauty and such grace. He was.. An Angel.

There have been times, even very recently.. Where all I wanted was for his hand to stroke my head.. Or to just give me a tight hug whilst I felt the warmth of his body against me, comforting me. There have been times that it gets so painful to just breathe through an hour of the day.. that it actually physically kills you piece by piece.

But then there are those days, which is almost everyday.. That I think about what he did in his life, that made him so special. He never ever let anything hurt me. He always protected me so much.. That he was actually afraid of me growing up. He was always there when we needed him..

One memory that's always so fresh is from when we were in Jeddah. We all disliked the place very much, but towards the more settled part of our stay there, nothing mattered.. As long as we were together. He had this habbit.. After every Friday afternoon prayer, he'd come home from the mosque with a bag of goodies for us. He'd come home with the strangest of drinks, the newest and yummiest of sweets for us and himself.. And we'd spend the rest of the afternoon doing all sorts. Mostly, he'd sit around for a while, then sleep.. Or fix something new, or take us out shopping. Evenings were spent in watering the garden, whilst cookie ran around catching lizards and weird creepy crawlies.. I'd give anything to just witness that feeling of wholeness again.

Words can never describe what I felt for my dad. Each day that passes, my thoughts and feelings about him evolve. Even though it still hurts as much as it did before, I think I understand now.. That I should be celebrating his life with every step.. And to learn from his life.

My only wish is that I embrace my life the way he did.. And never give up.. Afterall, I am his daughter.

You've been gone for so long Dad.. Yet it feels like you never left as well. You're always here with me, and whenever I need you.. I know you're listening.

This is for you.
From,
Your little "Boom Boom"

In the deep-end

.."So I'm holding on"

It seems the theme of this year is to hold on.. Holding on to yourself, your hopes and dreams.. Holding on to the torture and pain, just so you have something that's acknowledging you.. Even if it's brutal. And just.. Holding on, to fighting what you want and know you can have, if you just push a little extra and almost lose yourself.

In all my life I've never felt anything remotely stable. I've always moved around, gypsied from house to house, country to country.. But there was always this comfort, because wherever I went, my family was with me. Wherever we went, they made it possible to make a home, just by being there. Gosh, it's been forever since I've felt the feeling of being "home"..

To me, it's not a place where you have the fanciest of things or the most comfiest of settings. It's a place where, as you walk in, wherever it may be.. You feel "This is where I belong". You can feel that in the arms of the one you love, or in a shed of your backgarden.. It can be anywhere, with anyone. And it always makes you feel most alive, and most comfortable and most.. At peace, whenever you're there. Is it wrong to yearn for such a feeling?

I've had strong faith over the past few months that, whatever we go through, anything bad or deathening, there's always something good at the end of it. Call me cynical, but I think that's a bunch of bogus. Too long now, I've waited for that "something good".. And well, I look back to yesterday, a week ago, a month and even 6 months ago.. And I find myself feeling the same, if not more lost and confused. So how exactly does the whole equation equal to "something good in the end"?? As far as I can see.. There's only bleakness. And beyond that bleakness? Possibly smog.

Over the past few months I think I've grown up quite a lot. People around me possibly fail to see it, or maybe don't want to accept it.. But I for one am pretty sure I have, at least I'm still in the process of it. I've accepted things I never wanted to, and moved on from situations faster than you can snap your fingers! Whatever those situations may be.. I've left all my romantic ideals, and unrealistic thoughts where they belong.. They faded with that childish person. The one who was so sure there was unicorns beyond this world, and everything was based on this false hope, and expectations. I based everything upon my artificial ideals, that stated anything was possible if I stayed in my little dream world. Well, soon I had to break open that dream world and step into the world where cockroaches don't become pretty white doves who sing songs of sappyness. No, cockroaches pretty much crawl all over you, fly into your shirt and if they could, crawl out of your ears.

I've not planned for something in a very long time. Everyone keeps asking me, "Sanaa! You finished your A-levels where are you going to go for the summer? What will you do?" And my answer has been the same for months.. "I don't know." Because I simply do not. I don't make plans anymore, just from keeping myself from being disappointed. Lord knows, I've felt that more than I haven't. I have now followed my own advice about living for the day, in the day. However empty the day may seem..

For now, I'll leave you with the lyrics from "Storm", one of Lifehouse's songs.

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I happen to see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface

One day

Sometimes things just happen, and we're left to deal. More often than not, we don't really know how or where it comes from. We try to trace our steps back, but for some reason it never really makes any sense.. So what do you do? You just keep waiting, because you know that one day.. Somehow, you'll understand.

For far too long, a lot of things have happened which have been hard for me to understand. Some of the times I found myself far too lucky, and tried not to *screw up*. At others, I just wondered whether I was prone to bad times, or whether it was just something I had to go through, for a purpose. But there always came a place I stood in, which made me wonder whether any of what I truely went through changed me in anyway.. Or if it was just to purely torture me.. For no apparent reason. That's the way I've been seeing things as of late.

Sometimes it actually gets hard to breathe in your own skin.. And I've heard people always say that, though I never really understood it. It feels like you need to get out of yourself somehow, just so you can stop feeling those horrible things you feel. It's like you want to tear yourself apart just so you have something else to concentrate on for a few short moments.. And you just yearn for some human touch, not just any.. The kind that makes you feel alive again, and worthwhile, just so you stop feeling like pulling your hair apart, and holding on to your bedsheets with such strength, that they tear.

But then.. A new day comes along, and you feel different. You feel like maybe that's the day you'll do something you'll be happy with. Maybe it'll be that day you'll finally feel alive and like yourself. But those days pass too.. And you're just left wandering in between.. Trying to find a place where you can feel sane again.

I've spent a lot of time with myself over the past couple of months.. I've tried to get to know myself, so that I could be able to perhaps understand the deeper side of my being, if such a thing existed. I got to a point where even I got fed up with what I was doing and thinking. I can't really imagine what others must feel like.

Here's a quote that's been lingering in my head for the day.. It's from the movie, The Holiday.

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

BRB!

Ever just sat there staring at the screen whilst a friend or an acquaintance of yours went on typing and typing in the chat window? And you just felt so incredibly bored that you find the cracks on your wall more interesting than them? Yeah.. Happens to me on a daily basis with a lot of people.

A classic example:

Me: Hmm..
Person: i knwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dats wht i thot 2.. bt i cdnt be bovrd to say nething. i mean how hrd is it to to tell sum1 u luv dem?
Me: yeah.. (Completely unamused)
Person: so i tld her dat she needz to srsly tell dat guy she got anoda man........ its unfair to da otha 1
Me: Okay..
Person: i dunno y bt i tink she is vry cunfuzd... its impslbe to be wid 2 peeps in 1 go like she duz..... imagine if tha otha findzz out.. shed be in shitz lol lol lol lol
Me: Brb
Person: Okayzzzz tell me wen ur backk..... i gta tell u loadzz mre

(2 hours later)

Person: u bak???????????
Me: (Ignores)
Person: k...... gess ur reeely bzy! neway i gta go..... tc cya
Me: (Throws party)

The above has happened to me more times than I can count. I have suddenly become this relationship/other crisis guru.. It's as though I've got all the answers, when in reality I'm struggling to find my own! I don't mind my actual friends doing it.. as I love being there for them. When random people come upto me, after a year and a bit and suddenly start talking like I know everything, it annoys me. Yes, I don't have much of a life at the moment, but just what if I was doing something important.. like picking my nose.

It's annoying when you suddenly talk to people after ages and they tell you about a problem they have but use "my friend" instead.. for example, "OH!! I was meant to ask you.. you know, one of my mates right.. well she has this horrible guy after her and, it's rather annoying since she has no idea what to do".. Now right there, that is my cue to leave. However, sometimes it's so hard for me to say "NO!" and move on.. instead, I BRB them! =D Much more effective.

If you have BRB'd by me, and I've never returned, chances are I was ignoring you! =D However, if you're one of my good friends, I've probably told you, that I have BRB'd you before if I have. And for those I haven't told - I'm afraid my friends list will go down from 5 to non-existant! Crap!

Oh the joy of three words.

The BRB-er.

Updates from my NON - exciting life.

I clobbered a wasp.

And..

I picked up minute dirt from my carpet.

I am Pathetic

.. Oh yes I am!

Let me tell you why.

Everyday, I have this thing with my cat, Cookie. This is how it goes:

Me:(sitting on chair) Okay.. so.. basically the memory has two unitary stores and -

(outside the door I hear a sweet little miaw. I get up to open the door.)

Cookie walks in. I hold him, squash him, kiss him and basically go on and on telling him how gorgeous he is. He purrs. I put him down. I turn around to throw something in the bin. I turn back, and cookie is on the chair, fast asleep. Or so I think.

Me: Oh no.. come on my baby!! Get off.. I need to study! Please?

Cookie: *Snore*

Me: I know you're not really sleeping okay! I just turned around for a split second and you came on the chair to sleep. So stop acting my little *rubs nose onto his head* bujhhi.. you're sho cute! my
baby. Maru jaanu che! *pulls ears*.. Your socks are so cute..

Cookie: *Thinks to himself* She's lost the plot. She's forgotten about the chair.

Me: Cookie come on.. I need to study!! I need the chair, you always do this fluffy.. fluffy.. *starts to kiss him*. Please get off my chair.. I always end up studying on the floor or the bed. I need to get this done NOW!

Cookie: *looks up with the most angelic eyes*.. *Purr.. Purr*

Me: Awwwe.. You're so cute. *Takes stuff from table, and lays on the cold floor and begins to study whilst cookie licks himself for an hour - clearly he wasn't sleepy*.

Me: So yes.. The memory has two unitary stores.. and.. *Goes on studying*

Cookie: She's such a fool. I can drive her mad and she won't even know. Sucker. *Purr*.

.. This happens about three times a day. This exact scenario. Yes, I'm *that* sad. = God, I need help. By the end of next month I won't have any hair, I'll be hallucinating, and will be so paranoid that i'll be looking behind me whilst I walk forward.

I shall go home now, and find myself in the same predicament again. My life is so exciting.

Nerves

Maybe I spoke too soon.

I am nervous. Panicky. And anxious.

I just realised that these are "THE" exams. You know - ALEVELS. i.e. - Something that will predict how my future will go.

.. There we go, I feel sick now.

Nostalgia

So, here I stand once again.. Drowned in memories. For some reason I'm always brought back to this place. I don't know why or how, but it always happens. Too often for my liking, but nevertheless it happens.

Last night, I sat on the phone with my best mate for the longest time. We always go off a million tangents in one conversation, but for some reason, last night, was something that was needed. I cracked a joke about her and a fond memory of her from year 11. It was actually rather hilarious, and so to "get back at me" she opened her box of memories to do with me. She found letters, cards, post-it notes and so on, inside it. She then proceeded to read an absolutely embarrasing note I had written to her on a very very (at the time) horrible day. I had written all sorts of weird on that paper. And embarrasingly enough, the woman kept it, so she could take the mick, like she did last night! =P

It was so funny to see how we thought at the time, any small slip or anything slightly issueful, was the "worst" thing that could ever happen to us. At the time we thought that we were the maturest, most level-headed people around.. And thought that any event out of place, was just close to being torturous. May I add, we were completely the opposite. So extremely high-schoolish. I never thought of myself as one to be involved with such petty problems when I was in year 11, but those letters proved it. Oh dear lord, I was so incredibly pathetic! =|

We wrote to eachother letters in the most formal of vocabulary and they actually seemed really sophisticated. I'd share a letter with you all, but I think some things are better kept locked up, for safety and treasuring reasons.

Anyway, I realised yesterday how much I really miss all of that. Yeah, I was extremely silly and thought my life was one big mess, when in actual fact it was as straight as it could be. At the time nothing that was happening was worth laughing about even slightly, but now I actually had a stomach ache after literally falling off the bed in pure laughter! But yeah.. I miss that all so very much. Although I have to say how proud I am of myself to see how far I have come, since. Although I have a feeling that a couple of years from now, I'll be doing the same thing - only, I'd be laughing at my emails and chat logs and a couple of letters. It's the beauty of growing up, I guess.

That year though, 2005. Was the perfect year, till the summer ended and I came here, to London. I also realised how I never want to really share those memories I had with anyone, unless they were there with me. Hence, the vagueness of this entry.

In other news:

- My exams approach. Two days away to be precise, and I am not the least bit nervous or scared. I'm not even confident.. So that's strange.

That's about it from my exciting life.

Hmph, Pfft and everything in between.

I am here.. To speak the intelligent, meaningful and deep thoughts of my brain. Please stand back.. This may be too, intense for you. =D

- Dreams are torturous. They show you things you want so clearly, and so realistically that for a few hours you think you actually have them.. UNTIL you wake up. Pfft. I'm glad I'm somewhat of an insomniac. At least there's less space for being tortured, oh so frequently by them. =(

- I have my first set of exams a week today. Yes, I'm the most calmest person there is going in the month of exams. Why? I really don't know. I'm not really confident, nor am I anywhere near prepared.. Then why, Lord, why am I not scared?

- I have no plans for the summer. HOW sad is that? There's somewhat of an idea, but I have no idea how well that will go. Otherwise, I envision myself sitting in this exact position, day after day, through the summer.. And goofily smiling at my mobile phone and the laptop. Oh yes I'm going to have a part-ay, oh yes I am.

- I am 19. Treat me like an adult.. Or else.

- The spider, yes.. THAT one is alive. Probably not the same one, but I'm guessing his child was the one. He guarded the corner of my ceiling for the longest time. I wasn't scared this time, because he became more of a friend to me than before. I told him intimate stories of my life.. And just randomly smiled at the ceiling every now and then whilst walking in/out of the room. This may seem like peculiar behaviour to you.. But I'll have you know, sometimes talking to such creatures is better than talking to anyone human. Honestly, you should try it. It gets boring after a while, because eventually the spider falls off the ceiling and then you realise.. "Oh great, so I've been talking to a dead spider for weeks". But instead, I thought to myself "I killed my spider. He died listening to me. =|"

- This year of college has been so bleak. It's been one of those where as soon as it started, I wanted it to end. Now that it's coming to an end I don't feel any strong emotion towards it.. Not even a bit of melancholy or anything. Just glad. There are no particular memories I take from these two years at college. I guess just the whole education thing was the only highlight of it. Nothing else at all.. No social life, or anything substancial like that. The one thing I take with me though, was the first day I had there. It was the most nerve-wrecking, most strangest and un-special day. And ofcourse, the last day I have there, which I will in the coming weeks. Other than that, nope.. Nothing else.

- I'm madly in love with "Heroes". I mean, mad. It's just beyond fantastic, and it gets better with each episode. There's no other word but "Brilliant" to describe it. Those of you who don't watch it, please stop reading my blog and start downloading Heroes. You have no idea what you are missing!! (And by you I mean Civilisation.)

- The most interesting thing I did this week was.. Wait for it.. Walk in a storm. It was thundering, pouring down with the heaviest rain, and the darkest day I've seen in a while.. And I walked through that. I actually walked through it. And I don't mean just a tiny step into my front garden (like I usually do), but a whole proper walk to the main street, buying something and walking all the way back inside. It was .. Lovely. Strangely enough it gives you this heightened sense of warmth and.. something that is rather indescribable.. All I know is, that all I wanted to do right then was to curl up infront of a burning fireplace, with a nice movie and my big fat blanket.

- I am scared of Yousuf. Yes, that's right. I am scared of my 1 year old nephew. How can I not be? He throws big electronic balls on my foot, and slaps me, hits me and pulls my hair. And when I say "NO" to him, he smiles and gives me a kiss.. Oh he's sly, that child. He has more energy than I do in a year. 'Nuff said.

- I think maybe it's time I build a house in the middle of the Pacific ocean. It may be a bit.. hard, but it's worth it.

That's about it from me. Good luck to everyone who has their exams. As for those of you who do not and are on holiday - Go suck a lemon. =D

Nineteen - A new year.

.. And she turned Nineteen.

A few days late on this post, I know.. I've just needed the time to organise what exactly I wanted to write. But then I realised, I never really pre-plan my posts, ever. After that thought went down the drain, I just sat here.. and started to do what I do best. Blab.

My birthday wasn't anything special. It was just another day, with extra phonecalls, text messages and Instant messages online. There was nothing significant about it either.. To me, it was a passing day. And, it was the first time I felt that way about my birthday.

In past years, I've usually had something to look forward to, and if not.. Someone always made it special in some way - surprise parties, surprise visits, etc. Birthdays haven't really been a big deal for me for a while.. But it never stopped me from getting a tad bit excited like a little child. It was completely the opposite this year.. I didn't even realise it was my birthday, until I came home to find an overwhelming number of birthday wishes. (Thank you, everyone..)

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't upset by it or any of that. It was pleasant for me to just celebrate it by myself in a way.. Celebrate the past year that has gone by, and all the hard, strenuous, bloody difficult and.. straining moments I've had. Along with all the absolutely gorgeous memories, some that were bitersweet and others that were just plain screamingly-amazingly-GREAT that I would give anything, to witness again.

Starting from last year May 4th, I honestly could never, ever have guessed all the things that happened to me. It was that time then, that brought a whole new phase on. A phase that started off so very brilliantly, and on such a sunny note. I carried that with me through the most amazing summer I've honestly, ever had. It felt like I was home for a while, and it was then that I thought I had found some sort of stability from within. The kinds of things I experienced, could never be told by plain words. I found this.. kind of love, I never thought could be possible to witness.

After I returned back to London, things more or less started to go downhill from there. One after the other, I felt I was being bombarded by disturbing events. I almost lost myself in the mess I created for myself, and honestly had dug the deepest hole, which kept growing deeper and darker till just a month ago. It was a nasty place to be in, but it taught me so many things. Taught me the value of having friends, of being one back.. Of being loyal, supportive and understanding to the people I love dearly. It was, not being afraid to let go of past events, and create a future for myself.. I never ever used to "live in the day", so to speak. I always used to leap to days, weeks and sometimes even months ahead, just so I could see some sort of spark for myself. It was a great mistake I made, doing that. But now, I live by "taking it a day at a time".. I'd like to think I've done pretty well so far.

Letting go of past events, was so tormenting. Just as I felt I was making some sort of progress with my relationships and myself, something would *ALWAYS* come and bite me from behind and say, "Hey, where do you think you're going? I'm not done yet".. That lasted for a few months. It was just like a roller coaster ride, just with more upside down turns than usual.. And larger, more deeper scars as well. I used to think that this "phase" was taking the best of me.. But instead, now that I look back, I see that it's actually bringing out the best in me..

I put myself through a lot these past few months.. I also endured a lot of pain, but as they say "what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger".. Well, hopefully I may fully attest to that in the forthcoming months, once I've completely moved past this particular time in my life.

I turned nineteen.. And I think it's about time I show the world what I can do, fight for who I want to be.. and get to where I want, with the people I love and adore. I also know that this next year will bring.. many, MANY more agonizing and torturing moments and events. I won't say that I'm ready for it, because you can never be completely ready. I will say though, that I think I may be regaining the lost hope I had.. And the dreams I pushed aside, in fear of being unable to experience them.

I've always been told, since I was young, by various people.. "Don't dream too much.. One day it will get to you".. And I'm thinking it's about time I chuck that one sentence out of the window, through the glass roof, down the pipe, into the ground and finally through the sewers. Right where it belongs.

Here's to me. Here's to stability, more painful events, a bit of torture, happiness, tears, love, contentment, relationships, distance, hope, dreaming and finally.. Here's to my first toast ever, for myself.

*CHEERS!*

[This first post, of my new year.. I dedicate to my bed - A loyal and comforting object that has been there for me quite a lot].

Does this darkness have a name?

You always have your friends, the really really great ones who stand by you, even if you murder someone, and they'll even stand in the witness stand for you, to prove you not guilty. So, it's suffice to say that they'll always be right by your side.. But, it's beyond me how they can say with such surity these few words.. "You'll be fine". Without twitching once, or stammering twice. How can they be SO freakin' sure?! And not only that, how come they're almost always right in the end?!

When you see no, absolute no light for yourself.. and just complete bleakness, they always somehow find a way to make a small flame light at the end of a dark tunnel. Over the past couple of months, I've realised how much my friends really mean to me. I don't have that many, I can literally count all of them on my hands.

Everyone has always known me as "the loner", or "the funny girl who always talks about cats", or " The girl whose name I don't know but is such a clutz".. I've had many titles given to me over the years. Most of them, never relating to who I really was. I guess I never knew myself to actually define myself. I still don't, obviously.. But I know for sure, that all those things I've been called in the past have never really identified me properly, as my friends have.

You go through months without talking to them properly, and you always manage to see their faults somewhere along the line, so as to keep your distance from them. You do stupid things like believing you can get through something by yourself, without anyone's support at all, and that if you do ask for any supported, you'll deem yourself weak and hence lead to disappointing yourself. It's a vicious cycle really - one that I've sadly been through more times than I can count. But then, you come around eventually and realise what a right wally you've been, and try to re-ignite those relationships.. And they act as though you never left in the first place, and literally start off where you left off.

So far, this year has been terribly painful. And the cherry on top is that it's not even close to being over. It's one of the fastest, most brutal starts of the year I've had.. Ever. From now on, all bad things will be measured up against this. Although I have a slight feeling that this isn't where it ends. Oh no..

Everytime I say to myself "Right, it's time to catch your breath".. Something else always pops up. And I mean *always*. There's no time for catching my breath.. At least not for now.

I've always told myself "you only go through what you can handle.." And I look back on the past couple of years' events, and I agree with that. But sometimes, you just lose faith. And losing faith in something you want, can honestly send you to a nasty place. It's hard to trust yourself first before trusting others.. I've always had trusting issues. I take literally, forever to trust someone. By which time they've come and gone. There are very few people who can pinpoint what exactly i'm thinking or feeling or understand me.. I'm not the type to have hundreds of mates and be all friendly with all of them. Nope. I have just the handful.. And that's enough for me.

How did we get here? This place.. Where we at ages of 17-19 go through "self-questionning" phases. But then again, no one ever set it on stone to go out and tell people how and when to go through such phases. They just happen. And you have to go along with it.

With how things have become now, "lonliness" has become almost a way of living for some. An unwanted one, but all the same, a way of living. Some choose to live parts of their lives completely alone, whilst others yearn for someone else to be by their sides through and through.. Some don't choose it, but it comes to them and they are left to deal.

To all of you, who are dealing with something, or trying to move on from a painful experience. Hold on tight, darkness turns to light, almost always.

A Rat and a Cat

No - This is no poem. Ahem..

Wednesday, was the day.. I felt fear. Not just any fear. Fear that made me hit a closed door twice in a go, and then slip on the floor after that. Fear that has made me so paranoid that I keep looking over my shoulder, and when anything slightly creaks, or moves out of the place, I shriek. Yes my fellow readers.. I have lost it. And the reason is..
Wait for it..
.. Wait for it..

A RAT!!! OMGOQMGOQMGOEOMG OM OMOMGOMGwrhOMGOGM!1213!LCo1!£$"!Jahfih1

Ahem.

It was AS BIG AS MY HOUSE!!! OMG! Okay I lie, it was tiny, but it's amazing how something that tiny can scare the living soul out of you! But then again, it wasn't tiny, it was big, furry, and had eyes that looked at me, and was standing on its legs being all mouse-y with it's mouth.. and.. dear lord, I can still feel the goosebumps.

After we found this creature, me and my mum decided to lock all doors in the kitchen. Completely. Cookie was at the garden door, and mum saw a chance of survival! She called him inside, and he had no idea there was a mouse around. He was completely oblivious. My mum couldn't hold back any longer and so she went into the kitchen, took cookie, went back into the garden through the other door, and then put cookie infront of the mouse, shut all doors, and ran back in as fast as she could. Oh, and did I mention, how I almost fainted?

After Cookie finally saw the mouse, I couldn't stay around to watch what happened. I was watching everything hanging off the stairs, from a closed door. Tsk. Mum was all ready to go out, so she literally ran out of the house and whilst I attempted to stop her she said, "It's okay beta.. You're strong! I have to go, stop being silly".. And before I could hear the ends of that sentence, the front door had shut and if I had known better, I'd say my mum ran, like she never ran before. Tsk.

As soon as she left, I came into my room upstairs, shut the door tight, covered all open corners with a towel.. And sat on the chair, shivering, with my legs up on the chair! I chatted to as many people I could, and told them all about the mouse. I told Ayisha (my neice - who is in Sharjah), to come save me. I called her, and screamed on the phone, and asked her to save me. She said, "masi!! Why don't you call someone in LONDON! Who can be there NOW, and not in 10 hours." Ahem. Good point, I thought to myself.. but proceeded to scream on the phone.

My sister called the house phone minutes after. The phone is in the other room, which meant I had to leave the comfort and safety of my little mouse-free bubble. I was so extremely scared, I ran into the closed door.. Not once, but Twice in a go. I fell down, and hung off the door knob, after which I got up and pushed the door open and slipped on the floor whilst catching the phone and answering it. Oh the ordeal. I became increasingly paranoid with every small creak, with every little movement of my own body even. My leg touched my other leg for a slight second and I literally shrieked out of my own skin. And whilst I talked with my sister, she obviously was convinced that I had lost it.. Completely. I suddenly screamed on the phone because apparently to me - there was something moving that was grey on the curtains behind me. I turn around, and what do I find? A piece of hair hanging from it.. Tsk Tsk.

After that I sat in my room, and sat there.. And sat there. My mum came home later, and screamed "COOKIE GOT THE MOUSE!".. With such pride in her voice, and relief. I obviously began to breathe, and calmed my poor heart down.. I was so proud of cookie. He saved me. He was my hero. He was so brave.. I still didn't leave my room, by the way. And continued to stay there for the rest of the night!

.. That, my fellow readers.. Is my newest phobia - RATS. MICE. *Shudder, faint*.

I am just so entertaining.. I know.

Also - I refuse to forgive Pujy, who btw - scared me so much, and said things like "rats reproduce so quickly, so there has to be more.." and the whole house-rat infestation thing. Tsk. I haven't been able to go into the kitchen without running right back like a wally, since.

.. I need so much help. =D

Edit

>>- Resolutions are perhaps in order, after curses wear away.. For some. But I'm pretty sure that's not the end of those nasty things. Let's see what the next set of them bring about.. Gasp. Let me catch my breath first, please.

Yeah.. Never speak to soon.

Updates and other things

Here are the latest updates of my very-happening life. Beware, you may just get very jealous, in seeing how exciting my life is. In this event, please do not cast any black-magic spells on me, or get angry and throw shoes at me. I am afterall, so very exciting. =D

- Things start to get harder now.. Must live more and more by the rules I have been living by for the past couple of weeks. =|

- My stress levels reach even higher than before as I recieved my darned A-Level exams timetable this morning in the post. I fainted as soon as I saw it, but as I gathered myself I realised that it is by far the strangest setted timetable I've ever had. I have 2 exams on one day starting May 22nd. Then a massive gap till 11th June.. And then 18th through 21st June, i'm swamped with papers. I'll be surprised if I have any hair left.. At all. =(

- Resolutions are perhaps in order, after curses wear away.. For some. But I'm pretty sure that's not the end of those nasty things. Let's see what the next set of them bring about.. Gasp. Let me catch my breath first, please.

- I'm very proud of myself, as I've been such a good girl. I started my alergy free diet about 2 weeks ago, and yes I'll admit I've been very tempted to have naughty things.. But, I have kept myself rather sane in not eating any of it. Apart from a bite of something sweet last night - ONLY because the food was super spicy! =P Otherwise, I'm so strong, brave and, etc.. You get what I'm trying to do here. =D

- I was on a Lord of The Rings marathon yesterday. Watched the first part, and half of the second. Today I intend on finishing the rest as I plan to start studying tomorrow *cough*.. I actually do have to, sadly.. I have so much work to do =( But I'm resting myself completely cause I know the next couple of weeks will be so very hard. Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.

- I went to the Easter fun-fair with my family and some of our friends on Sunday.. It was pretty great!! I finally conquered my fears of heights/Rides all in one day. I am pretty chuffed with myself!! I never thought I'd get over either.. Although the heights weren't all that crazy, but let's just keep it here till I actually have to climb a very tall tower which won't be happening anytime soon.. or ever =D But I've always had fears of rides! Never could handle them, and would cry like a baby at age 13, possibly 16 too. *Hides face*. It was a lot of fun, but I think Yousuf had most of the fun - See picture and face, tsk.


And finally, that's all I have to say for now. I shall leave you all to your thoughts about how absolutely brilliant I am. =D No really, I am.

Ta ra.

A lot of Nothing, Part 2

.. You know you're running out of titles when you have part 2's and 3's of the same title! Tsk.

Ever since Abhishekh Bachchan (oh, I can't believe you betrayed me so..) broke my heart into a million, bajillion pieces, stepped over them, and then made his wife-to be dance around on them with her stupid heels, I have decided to move on. Okay, not completely.. Fine, fine.. Not at all. Jayzes, the things you say to make yourself better. =( But I do hear my heart shudder out of it's place everytime I see them together. Oh please, I am so over it. *Cries herself into a corner*.

Ahem, moving on.

As of lately i've had a scary obsession with Wentworth Miller. Not that it ever ended, but I think it's all those adrenaline-pumping Prison Break episodes that made me go even more crazy for him.. Oh he's so lovely, oh yes he is.

Oh, I could stare at him forever.. And ever.. And ever. Oh and when he speaks.. Don't get me started *faints*.

It is very important for the person I like, to speak good and clean english, without the nonsensical words. And Oh, Wenty.. He does just that.

Moving on to number two, John Abraham. What can I say about this fine piece of manliness? I've obviously spoken about both of them before in my blog, on more than one occassion.

I've never loved the ocean more..

I know that I'm unhealthily obsessed with both of them.. But I also know that if I ever saw anyone who looked like either of them, i'd be first to run in the other direction [away from them]. It's only nice to look at them, have pictures of them all over your room, and desk, floor, ceiling.. You get my point. But to know someone who looks like them, is a story worth running away from, without a doubt! =D

Afterall, I am very loyal. *cough*. Honestly I am, I have no intentions of buying a new house either..

Now, the ChaosBuster must bid you all adieu, as she must go and watch a very sad movie, whilst sitting on the couch on a nice sunny afternoon, drinking.. Wait for it.. Wait for it..
RICE MILK!!! (Milk made from rice, for you less healthy ones.)

And he does it, ladies and gentlemen

Pujy proves what he's made of.. In this fab video!! =D Check out his little dance, it's hila- I mean, so talented! SO very talented! =D

Side note - Dear lord, how did he make it on to YouTube?!

You give it all, for a miracle - An Update

I Haven't the time to sit and blog for hours.. So this is me, with updates.

- I got my allergy test results today. Let's just say that I have to bid farewell to a few things I already knew about, and others that came to me as a massive surprise. Either ways, tomorrow is the start of my brand new life-styling ways of living. Make sense of that. =D Wish me luck!

- The song "miracle - Vertical Horizon".. has been on repeat these past few hours. For some reason, all the words make sense to me now. After, about 6 years? Tsk.

- I have three courseworks to give in on Friday. I'm done with one soon, and the other too.. One has the title written only, and no text whatsoever. Overall, I think it could've been worse.

- Lately i've been having the strangest of strange dreams. I don't really believe in deciphering the dream very much.. Maybe sometimes when they've been particularly alarming or disturbing in some way.. Otherwise, I usually just let it be.. And unless it's one I deem special enough to share, I share it with my Snuffleupagus.. Who btw, never tells anyones.

- Quit commenting on my blog as Anonymous users, unless it's Anisa or Shafina. Cause they are very lazy to just sign in, and actually put their names. Whoever else it is, either put your name and let me get some sleep at night.. Or else. I have strong, muscular contacts okay. "Don't mess wit me, yo!" - okay maybe not.

- My cats have become very sleepy these past few days. All they want to do is sleep in various places over the house. If mum stays awake later than 11PM, Cookie comes howling, trying to find her so he can go to bed. Tsk. We can't even watch TV past 11 now, not cause there's crap on.. But cause of the cats! Forget that, I can't even use my chair to sit on whilst I try to study, because Cookie pulls this absolutely sorryful looking face, that makes me feel so bad.. That I just take all my stuff, sit on the floor and get bad back aches just so he can turn around on the chair, and say "SUCKER".. Tsk. Things we do for cats.. Honestly, we're half mental.

- Any suggestions on Summer holidays? Email me/IM me.

- 24 continues to increase my adrenaline with every episode. Only have three more DVD's left of this season, and then on to the second! Gasp. I love Jack. Jack is the best. Jack is my hero. Jack is so invincible. Jack, I love you. Jack, you are my star. Jack I love the way you do that hand movement to your eyes and tell people to watch out, it's so very slick. Oh Jack, what more can I say?! Apart from the fact that Anisa thinks you are a *real* person, and honestly doesn't know your real name - ie - Keifer Sutherland. Tsk.

- We have a new addition to the family - yes my friends. We, have a fish tank. All filled with Guppies, Swordtail fish, and.. *thinks* I think that's it. It's so unfair how the male fish all look so pretty and are filled with colours and design. Whereas the females are so bland, and just have one colour. Just like how it is in the Bird Kingdom.. Ahem, you know you've past the level of insanity when you start talking about animals, and referring to their *kingdoms*.

- The Curse still continues, as more of my friends or acquantiances find themselves in a right old pickle yet again. Not a good year for relationships, I say. *Shakes head profusely*

- I am now known as the ChaosBuster. - More on that later, when I have the time to entertain you all. Honestly, I do have other lives you know. Tsk. And yes I said *lives*.. There are more than one of me you know.

- One Tree Hill returns tonight, and I cannot wait for the next episode. As soon as this stressful week is over, I am going to be stuck staring at my laptop screen again, watching and catching up on all my shows. I've missed them so much =(

- Finally, Congratulations to Pujy, who will be leaving to Sydney soon! Everything worked out well, as I always said. So I take this fine opportunity to scream out loud from ontop of the roof - "I TOLD YOU SO".. Hah! *Dances around the room, until she falls down.. Over a ruler. Tsk* Don't forget me, because you know your sister and I, will hunt you down, and embarras you infront of your "cool" friends. =D Have an absolutely fab time, and.. Don't do anything I wouldn't do *Whistles innocently*. Ooh, don't become all gora-fied, and speak with a strange accent. I get scared enough when you talk with that *shudder* american accent.. And don't cry either. You're a big boy "GRR"..
Alright, jokes aside.. I hope it's everything you've dreamed of and so very much more. You honestly deserve this, and I hope everything goes very smoothly, from here on end.. Take care of yourself and I know it's still 2 weeks too early, but I know you'll be busy packing and what not, which is why I said, you need the CHAOSBUSTER! Have a fab time, and I hope you settle down just fine. I'll always be here for you, you know.. Swatting flies, and talking to myself. =) With much love, luck, fairy sprinkle powder, a pot of gold, rainbows and sunshine.. Good Luck!! =D

..And with that, I bid you all farewell for a while, whilst I get my doings and sayings in order. Till next time, hold on tight and continue fighting off the badies. Or just call dear Jack to help you.. Here's something for some of you, who can relate to this absolutely profound quote thing that Lucas Scott says. =D

Life comes at us from out of the darkness.. And at times we can struggle to find the courage to face it.

When life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness, who will you choose to face it with? Will it be someone you trust? Will they be wise? And will their love for you help them to guide you to the light? Or will they lose their way in the darkness? Will they make noble choices, or will that person be someone untested, someone new?

Life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness.. When it does - Is there someone in your life you can count on? Someone who will watch over you, when you stumble and fall? And in that moment.. Give you the strength to face your fears.. Alone?

Clocks

As you all may know, British Summer time has begun. It started at 1.00AM 25th March. Meaning, it skipped to 2.00AM as soon as it turned 1.00. So.. Anyone who did live through 1.00AM, how was it?! Since I skipped an hour of my life. Gasp.

[I know it's sad. I just have to do that everytime the clocks go back/forward *sizzle*]

The Curse

Recently, a lot of things have been happening.. Strange and unfortunate things, in lives of people I know. Suddenly, relationships are at stake, and lives are falling apart in desperate measures to make things right.

It's hard to understand, sometimes.. Why we continuously find ourselves in some sort of tangle.. That as well, when you've just untangled yourself from the last issue. You barely have time to breathe, and you're up again, fighting all the badies yet again. It's this sick cycle.. that happens to come a few times a year, and this my friend.. Is its time.

It's been like this ever since this year started. I now realise why I dreaded the start of this year.. but then again, after almost three months into it, I realise.. "Hey, it wasn't all that bad.." Only cause I just know something bigger lies ahead. Cause that's all you do. You wait for things to happen, and then confront them.. Wait, and confront..

But all I can say for now is, "When you're older, you will understand".. Till then, to everyone who has something going on [you know who you all are].. Take it easy, and don't let it take you over. Stop over-thinking and take it a day at a time.

The curse does go away sometime, I know that. I just don't know when.

Away We Go.

Looking for something I've never seen
Alone and I'm in between
The place that i'm from and the place that I'm in
A city I never been
I found a friend or should I say a foe
Said there's just a few things you should know
We don't want you to see, we come and we go
Here today, gone tomorrow..

We're only taking turns
Holding this world
It's how it's always been
When you're older.. You will understand.

And here I go. One Last Time.

Regret.

For a while now.. I've been in constant thought. Thoughts about how I could've done so many things so very differently over the years. More so, last year and the past couple of weeks. We all make mistakes, all do a lot of things that we shouldn't have, or should have. But then, there comes a time.. Where you just sit and realise, all the things you did wrong. For me, that time comes at least once, everyday.

Over the years, especially the past five.. I've never taken massive leaps of faith. I've never really been the one to take chances, or to you know.. Do something extraordinary and wild. I've always been the girl in the corner, staring at her feet and drifting off to another place. I've never mixed well with big crowds, and I still don't. I always need to look for an escape, whether it's leaving early, or whether it's sitting in the corner of a room, and just texting someone who makes me feel comfy. In the past year and few months, I've said "I should have.." the most. And honestly, being 18.. and saying things like that is quite.. Sad. Having so many regrets already, is very.. Strange.

Seeing myself now though, I've changed a lot. For me to say something like that, is pretty rare. I notice subtle changes within myself, but I still do have those regrets, everyday. I still wish I had done so many more things, when I had the chance to.. Going on those crazy roller-coasters at theme parks. Or something even more bigger, like saying the right things for once. I've only ever seen myself as someone who always does the opposite of what she's meant to. But I think maybe, that's all in order to change now.. At least, I hope so.

Over the past couple of weeks, a lot of things have come to my attention. I've had to make a lot changes in me, just to make things right. At the time, it was probably one of the most painful things to do. Letting go of all the comfort I knew of, for all those years.. That, safety bubble. Ever since I was young, I was always very protected. My dad wouldn't let me even cry or throw tantrums for something I wanted. It's safe to say, I was pretty much spoilt by my parents. He'd hold my hand to cross the road till I was 14. I used to hold on to his big index finger, till then.. So you can imagine how hard it was for me, to just learn to walk on my own, let alone cross the street. One of my dad's greatest fears was that one day, his daughters would actually grow up. Seeing me turn 18 would've probably made him so very emotional, and possibly would have broken him, as it would've made him realise that I was old enough now, to make my own decisions, and finally leave home and make my life.. It was probably a thought that scared him, everyday.. Although now that I think about it, I doubt I'd've ever even taken this step had he been here. I would have just left it up to him, to make my decisions for me, and make my pro's and con's lists too.. Leaving all of this behind has been a challenge, and it's still an on-going process which is also better known as, "growing up".

I've realised though, after much in-depth contemplation, that having regrets only slows down productive processes. It only gives me a reason to not do something, or get somewhere.. and sit and procrastinate further. I've had far too many "should have" and "could have's" to last me for a very very long time. But I think it's time to just put that all behind me.. Put it all behind me, and "live in the moment", rather than waste my time now, in regret.

So, here's to all of you who have issues like I do. And to the rest, who I hope don't ever have the opportunity to say.. "I should have".

Alas, my work is done here for the day.. I leave you all to this appropriate quote from One Tree Hill.

Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small.. Like when we do a bad thing for a good reason. Some are bigger.. Like when you let down a friend.

Some of us escape the pain of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret, because we're looking forward to the future. Sometimes, we have to fight to come to terms with the past.. And sometimes, we bury our regret by promising to change our own ways.

But, our biggest regrets are not for the things we did - But, for the things we didn't do. Things we didn't say, that could've saved someone we care about.. Especially when we can see the dark storm that's headed their way..

What cat's really think..

It's been ages since i've blogged. Yes, I know.. Tsk at me. But honestly I've been so very busy trying to work out intricate details about my cats.. It's been hard work. But I think I've finally figured them out.. Now, let me share with you.. My wisefulness.

Ahem. As we all know, cats once ruled the world, and because of that, they still have not forgotten that, and act snobbish still. They expect us to wait on them all day long, with a plate full of sardines
and boiled peas. Oh, and we do.. We cat people do absolutely anything and everything in our power to keep our cats happy. Even if that means going through a few dozen scratches, hair-pulling days, and extremely fishy-smelling food stuff. We do it all.. And happily. We want to make sure they don't even lift up a paw to do any work.. And trust me, they expect nothing less from us.

Over the years that I've had Cookie, I've realised what he really thinks of us. Idiots, is an understatement, as is servant. But you can kind of see where I am going with all of this.. Yes, we were born to be cat slaves. And we don't even complain.

Cookie is very snobby. If he were a human, he'd be an englishman who spoke like the queen, and waved his hands around to call us to wait on him. He'd call us "wallies" and send back his plate of caviar every time. He'd be grumpy and would would moan and groan all day long about how we can't get anything right.

If Frosty was a human, he'd be french and would be called "Jean Pierre". He'd pout all day long and say things like, "Jouons le poker".. [Yes, what can I say.. After I watched Danny007, I've been obsessed] He'd have a pastry in one hand, and cheese in the other. He'd say things like, "suivez-moi".. Just like Jacques from Finding Nemo.

Now.. On to the main bit.

What do cat's really think?

Cat's are very royal-ish. It goes without saying that they think of themselves as Kings and Queens, forget princes and princesses! They want to be treated that way, and to be honest they deserve the best of the best. Cats are not just animals, they are animals with class, pride and absolute snotty-ness. But we love them for it, and wouldn't have it any other way.

We cat people may have a slightly unhealthy obsession with feline's.. But honestly, it's worth every bit. Coming home to a cat is possibly one of the most warmest and undescribable feelings in the world.. Just when the look at you with those round innocent eyes, and purr around your legs asking for some food.. It's to die for. Or when they scatch the door down every morning, just to get an hours worth of sleep next to you on your pillow and blanket.. Sigh.

Everyone should have a cat. Or cats.. =D

So clever..

I spoke to Rakhshi after the longest time ever.. And it was one of the most refreshing, most long awaited and.. An absolutely great conversation. Which lasted for 2 and a half hours [Phone, by the way]!

Some of the best bits of today's conversation.. Ahem:

Rakhshi: *Serious tone* There's this guy called Noah, and..

Me: *Passively*.. Does he have a boat?

-------------------

Me: We have houses made of bricks..

Rakhshi: Houses made of Grapes?!


There were loads!! =D But I guess you just had to be on the phone with us.. It was a great conversation, and here's to many more to come!

Revelation - An update

I've been spending a lot more time on the internet recently.. Call me extremely sad and newbie-ish, but it's a whole, massively different world. And I love every bit of it!

YouTube has always been my source of video's and all that stuff.. But I've started to watch movies on it as well.. It's a bit annoying cause it stops in the middle, but it's okay when it's a silly movie that i'm not really interested in anyway..

Ahem, I probably sound really sad, but it's quite amazing, what the internet has, and the depth it goes into! =O

Facebook has become a recent fascination, so to speak. It's so wow, how you can keep in touch with all those people from school[s]. I found so many people who I knew when I was in year 6 - 7. So it's been a refreshing experience! And I think I may continue for a while.. Hi5 however, was a massive let down. I really do hate such social-interacting places - MySpace, Hi5.. so on.. But Facebook is much better than the rest. It took me all of 4 hours to register, look around, add all my bits and bobs and I was on my way. It was complicated initially.. But it wasn't long before I got the hang of it. Unlike Hi5, it doesn't allow outsiders to just look into your profile and get all weird. So that's a definite plus point right there.. But all in all, it's been quite nice. Even though there are the few who were all "Like OMG! I miss you sooo much. How are you?!?! muah xxxx", and get all small-talkish, and it's so obvious that they couldn't care less where you were the past x years, or what you are doing now. I guess it's just poilitness at the end of the day.. But as a whole, I think it's quite good.

Other recent addictions are definitely - TV shows. Moreso, Gilmore girls. I've watched the whole Fifth season in 3 days. Or less. I've been addicted, and am on my way to the sixth! What can I say, it's a brilliant show.. As is Heroes. I've watched most of the episodes of season one, in less than a week as well!! =|

Something else - Never, Ever, EVER watch "Material Girls".. Possibly one of the most.. Poorly acted movies, ever. It was so bad, that even though I was so bored, I found a piece of paper on the floor more interesting. I only watched the first 20 minutes or so and made up my mind about the movie. And even 20 minutes was far too much. It was horrible. Tsk

In other blab..

Three people I know, not that well.. But know.. Are either engaged/married. Oh, and they are 18 - 20 years of age. Scary? Oooh yeah. It's quite strange what is happening all around.. I'm very happy for them, that they've found the right time to be now and all of that.. But it's kind of scary. I mean, that was a thing of you know, my parents time. But to see it back again, is quite.. Ahem. Scary, refreshing but all in all though, I wish them all happiness. [And Fog, i'm no longer 10 =P]

- It's valentines day soon. Something I don't believe in/celebrate or anything. It's just another day for me, apart from the fact that it's my sisters wedding anniversay and my nephew's birthday.. The day is just another day. I don't get the big "hoopla" about the day. It's just.. Unnecessary and.. Actually, I won't get into the whole big rant =P I shall keep it to myself. But I will say, to all those who are in love with someone, don't wait for one silly day in the year to tell them.. However hallmarky that sounds, you have 364 other days in the year, all of which should be spent in telling them how much they mean. *Phew*

Anyhow.. Ta ra to everyone!