.. Oh yes I am!
Let me tell you why.
Everyday, I have this thing with my cat, Cookie. This is how it goes:
Me:(sitting on chair) Okay.. so.. basically the memory has two unitary stores and -
(outside the door I hear a sweet little miaw. I get up to open the door.)
Cookie walks in. I hold him, squash him, kiss him and basically go on and on telling him how gorgeous he is. He purrs. I put him down. I turn around to throw something in the bin. I turn back, and cookie is on the chair, fast asleep. Or so I think.
Me: Oh no.. come on my baby!! Get off.. I need to study! Please?
Cookie: *Snore*
Me: I know you're not really sleeping okay! I just turned around for a split second and you came on the chair to sleep. So stop acting my little *rubs nose onto his head* bujhhi.. you're sho cute! my
baby. Maru jaanu che! *pulls ears*.. Your socks are so cute..
Cookie: *Thinks to himself* She's lost the plot. She's forgotten about the chair.
Me: Cookie come on.. I need to study!! I need the chair, you always do this fluffy.. fluffy.. *starts to kiss him*. Please get off my chair.. I always end up studying on the floor or the bed. I need to get this done NOW!
Cookie: *looks up with the most angelic eyes*.. *Purr.. Purr*
Me: Awwwe.. You're so cute. *Takes stuff from table, and lays on the cold floor and begins to study whilst cookie licks himself for an hour - clearly he wasn't sleepy*.
Me: So yes.. The memory has two unitary stores.. and.. *Goes on studying*
Cookie: She's such a fool. I can drive her mad and she won't even know. Sucker. *Purr*.
.. This happens about three times a day. This exact scenario. Yes, I'm *that* sad. = God, I need help. By the end of next month I won't have any hair, I'll be hallucinating, and will be so paranoid that i'll be looking behind me whilst I walk forward.
I shall go home now, and find myself in the same predicament again. My life is so exciting.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
Nerves
Maybe I spoke too soon.
I am nervous. Panicky. And anxious.
I just realised that these are "THE" exams. You know - ALEVELS. i.e. - Something that will predict how my future will go.
.. There we go, I feel sick now.
I am nervous. Panicky. And anxious.
I just realised that these are "THE" exams. You know - ALEVELS. i.e. - Something that will predict how my future will go.
.. There we go, I feel sick now.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Nostalgia
So, here I stand once again.. Drowned in memories. For some reason I'm always brought back to this place. I don't know why or how, but it always happens. Too often for my liking, but nevertheless it happens.
Last night, I sat on the phone with my best mate for the longest time. We always go off a million tangents in one conversation, but for some reason, last night, was something that was needed. I cracked a joke about her and a fond memory of her from year 11. It was actually rather hilarious, and so to "get back at me" she opened her box of memories to do with me. She found letters, cards, post-it notes and so on, inside it. She then proceeded to read an absolutely embarrasing note I had written to her on a very very (at the time) horrible day. I had written all sorts of weird on that paper. And embarrasingly enough, the woman kept it, so she could take the mick, like she did last night! =P
It was so funny to see how we thought at the time, any small slip or anything slightly issueful, was the "worst" thing that could ever happen to us. At the time we thought that we were the maturest, most level-headed people around.. And thought that any event out of place, was just close to being torturous. May I add, we were completely the opposite. So extremely high-schoolish. I never thought of myself as one to be involved with such petty problems when I was in year 11, but those letters proved it. Oh dear lord, I was so incredibly pathetic! =|
We wrote to eachother letters in the most formal of vocabulary and they actually seemed really sophisticated. I'd share a letter with you all, but I think some things are better kept locked up, for safety and treasuring reasons.
Anyway, I realised yesterday how much I really miss all of that. Yeah, I was extremely silly and thought my life was one big mess, when in actual fact it was as straight as it could be. At the time nothing that was happening was worth laughing about even slightly, but now I actually had a stomach ache after literally falling off the bed in pure laughter! But yeah.. I miss that all so very much. Although I have to say how proud I am of myself to see how far I have come, since. Although I have a feeling that a couple of years from now, I'll be doing the same thing - only, I'd be laughing at my emails and chat logs and a couple of letters. It's the beauty of growing up, I guess.
That year though, 2005. Was the perfect year, till the summer ended and I came here, to London. I also realised how I never want to really share those memories I had with anyone, unless they were there with me. Hence, the vagueness of this entry.
In other news:
- My exams approach. Two days away to be precise, and I am not the least bit nervous or scared. I'm not even confident.. So that's strange.
That's about it from my exciting life.
Last night, I sat on the phone with my best mate for the longest time. We always go off a million tangents in one conversation, but for some reason, last night, was something that was needed. I cracked a joke about her and a fond memory of her from year 11. It was actually rather hilarious, and so to "get back at me" she opened her box of memories to do with me. She found letters, cards, post-it notes and so on, inside it. She then proceeded to read an absolutely embarrasing note I had written to her on a very very (at the time) horrible day. I had written all sorts of weird on that paper. And embarrasingly enough, the woman kept it, so she could take the mick, like she did last night! =P
It was so funny to see how we thought at the time, any small slip or anything slightly issueful, was the "worst" thing that could ever happen to us. At the time we thought that we were the maturest, most level-headed people around.. And thought that any event out of place, was just close to being torturous. May I add, we were completely the opposite. So extremely high-schoolish. I never thought of myself as one to be involved with such petty problems when I was in year 11, but those letters proved it. Oh dear lord, I was so incredibly pathetic! =|
We wrote to eachother letters in the most formal of vocabulary and they actually seemed really sophisticated. I'd share a letter with you all, but I think some things are better kept locked up, for safety and treasuring reasons.
Anyway, I realised yesterday how much I really miss all of that. Yeah, I was extremely silly and thought my life was one big mess, when in actual fact it was as straight as it could be. At the time nothing that was happening was worth laughing about even slightly, but now I actually had a stomach ache after literally falling off the bed in pure laughter! But yeah.. I miss that all so very much. Although I have to say how proud I am of myself to see how far I have come, since. Although I have a feeling that a couple of years from now, I'll be doing the same thing - only, I'd be laughing at my emails and chat logs and a couple of letters. It's the beauty of growing up, I guess.
That year though, 2005. Was the perfect year, till the summer ended and I came here, to London. I also realised how I never want to really share those memories I had with anyone, unless they were there with me. Hence, the vagueness of this entry.
In other news:
- My exams approach. Two days away to be precise, and I am not the least bit nervous or scared. I'm not even confident.. So that's strange.
That's about it from my exciting life.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Hmph, Pfft and everything in between.
I am here.. To speak the intelligent, meaningful and deep thoughts of my brain. Please stand back.. This may be too, intense for you. =D
- Dreams are torturous. They show you things you want so clearly, and so realistically that for a few hours you think you actually have them.. UNTIL you wake up. Pfft. I'm glad I'm somewhat of an insomniac. At least there's less space for being tortured, oh so frequently by them. =(
- I have my first set of exams a week today. Yes, I'm the most calmest person there is going in the month of exams. Why? I really don't know. I'm not really confident, nor am I anywhere near prepared.. Then why, Lord, why am I not scared?
- I have no plans for the summer. HOW sad is that? There's somewhat of an idea, but I have no idea how well that will go. Otherwise, I envision myself sitting in this exact position, day after day, through the summer.. And goofily smiling at my mobile phone and the laptop. Oh yes I'm going to have a part-ay, oh yes I am.
- I am 19. Treat me like an adult.. Or else.
- The spider, yes.. THAT one is alive. Probably not the same one, but I'm guessing his child was the one. He guarded the corner of my ceiling for the longest time. I wasn't scared this time, because he became more of a friend to me than before. I told him intimate stories of my life.. And just randomly smiled at the ceiling every now and then whilst walking in/out of the room. This may seem like peculiar behaviour to you.. But I'll have you know, sometimes talking to such creatures is better than talking to anyone human. Honestly, you should try it. It gets boring after a while, because eventually the spider falls off the ceiling and then you realise.. "Oh great, so I've been talking to a dead spider for weeks". But instead, I thought to myself "I killed my spider. He died listening to me. =|"
- This year of college has been so bleak. It's been one of those where as soon as it started, I wanted it to end. Now that it's coming to an end I don't feel any strong emotion towards it.. Not even a bit of melancholy or anything. Just glad. There are no particular memories I take from these two years at college. I guess just the whole education thing was the only highlight of it. Nothing else at all.. No social life, or anything substancial like that. The one thing I take with me though, was the first day I had there. It was the most nerve-wrecking, most strangest and un-special day. And ofcourse, the last day I have there, which I will in the coming weeks. Other than that, nope.. Nothing else.
- I'm madly in love with "Heroes". I mean, mad. It's just beyond fantastic, and it gets better with each episode. There's no other word but "Brilliant" to describe it. Those of you who don't watch it, please stop reading my blog and start downloading Heroes. You have no idea what you are missing!! (And by you I mean Civilisation.)
- The most interesting thing I did this week was.. Wait for it.. Walk in a storm. It was thundering, pouring down with the heaviest rain, and the darkest day I've seen in a while.. And I walked through that. I actually walked through it. And I don't mean just a tiny step into my front garden (like I usually do), but a whole proper walk to the main street, buying something and walking all the way back inside. It was .. Lovely. Strangely enough it gives you this heightened sense of warmth and.. something that is rather indescribable.. All I know is, that all I wanted to do right then was to curl up infront of a burning fireplace, with a nice movie and my big fat blanket.
- I am scared of Yousuf. Yes, that's right. I am scared of my 1 year old nephew. How can I not be? He throws big electronic balls on my foot, and slaps me, hits me and pulls my hair. And when I say "NO" to him, he smiles and gives me a kiss.. Oh he's sly, that child. He has more energy than I do in a year. 'Nuff said.
- I think maybe it's time I build a house in the middle of the Pacific ocean. It may be a bit.. hard, but it's worth it.
That's about it from me. Good luck to everyone who has their exams. As for those of you who do not and are on holiday - Go suck a lemon. =D
- Dreams are torturous. They show you things you want so clearly, and so realistically that for a few hours you think you actually have them.. UNTIL you wake up. Pfft. I'm glad I'm somewhat of an insomniac. At least there's less space for being tortured, oh so frequently by them. =(
- I have my first set of exams a week today. Yes, I'm the most calmest person there is going in the month of exams. Why? I really don't know. I'm not really confident, nor am I anywhere near prepared.. Then why, Lord, why am I not scared?
- I have no plans for the summer. HOW sad is that? There's somewhat of an idea, but I have no idea how well that will go. Otherwise, I envision myself sitting in this exact position, day after day, through the summer.. And goofily smiling at my mobile phone and the laptop. Oh yes I'm going to have a part-ay, oh yes I am.
- I am 19. Treat me like an adult.. Or else.
- The spider, yes.. THAT one is alive. Probably not the same one, but I'm guessing his child was the one. He guarded the corner of my ceiling for the longest time. I wasn't scared this time, because he became more of a friend to me than before. I told him intimate stories of my life.. And just randomly smiled at the ceiling every now and then whilst walking in/out of the room. This may seem like peculiar behaviour to you.. But I'll have you know, sometimes talking to such creatures is better than talking to anyone human. Honestly, you should try it. It gets boring after a while, because eventually the spider falls off the ceiling and then you realise.. "Oh great, so I've been talking to a dead spider for weeks". But instead, I thought to myself "I killed my spider. He died listening to me. =|"
- This year of college has been so bleak. It's been one of those where as soon as it started, I wanted it to end. Now that it's coming to an end I don't feel any strong emotion towards it.. Not even a bit of melancholy or anything. Just glad. There are no particular memories I take from these two years at college. I guess just the whole education thing was the only highlight of it. Nothing else at all.. No social life, or anything substancial like that. The one thing I take with me though, was the first day I had there. It was the most nerve-wrecking, most strangest and un-special day. And ofcourse, the last day I have there, which I will in the coming weeks. Other than that, nope.. Nothing else.
- I'm madly in love with "Heroes". I mean, mad. It's just beyond fantastic, and it gets better with each episode. There's no other word but "Brilliant" to describe it. Those of you who don't watch it, please stop reading my blog and start downloading Heroes. You have no idea what you are missing!! (And by you I mean Civilisation.)
- The most interesting thing I did this week was.. Wait for it.. Walk in a storm. It was thundering, pouring down with the heaviest rain, and the darkest day I've seen in a while.. And I walked through that. I actually walked through it. And I don't mean just a tiny step into my front garden (like I usually do), but a whole proper walk to the main street, buying something and walking all the way back inside. It was .. Lovely. Strangely enough it gives you this heightened sense of warmth and.. something that is rather indescribable.. All I know is, that all I wanted to do right then was to curl up infront of a burning fireplace, with a nice movie and my big fat blanket.
- I am scared of Yousuf. Yes, that's right. I am scared of my 1 year old nephew. How can I not be? He throws big electronic balls on my foot, and slaps me, hits me and pulls my hair. And when I say "NO" to him, he smiles and gives me a kiss.. Oh he's sly, that child. He has more energy than I do in a year. 'Nuff said.
- I think maybe it's time I build a house in the middle of the Pacific ocean. It may be a bit.. hard, but it's worth it.
That's about it from me. Good luck to everyone who has their exams. As for those of you who do not and are on holiday - Go suck a lemon. =D
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Nineteen - A new year.
.. And she turned Nineteen.
A few days late on this post, I know.. I've just needed the time to organise what exactly I wanted to write. But then I realised, I never really pre-plan my posts, ever. After that thought went down the drain, I just sat here.. and started to do what I do best. Blab.
My birthday wasn't anything special. It was just another day, with extra phonecalls, text messages and Instant messages online. There was nothing significant about it either.. To me, it was a passing day. And, it was the first time I felt that way about my birthday.
In past years, I've usually had something to look forward to, and if not.. Someone always made it special in some way - surprise parties, surprise visits, etc. Birthdays haven't really been a big deal for me for a while.. But it never stopped me from getting a tad bit excited like a little child. It was completely the opposite this year.. I didn't even realise it was my birthday, until I came home to find an overwhelming number of birthday wishes. (Thank you, everyone..)
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't upset by it or any of that. It was pleasant for me to just celebrate it by myself in a way.. Celebrate the past year that has gone by, and all the hard, strenuous, bloody difficult and.. straining moments I've had. Along with all the absolutely gorgeous memories, some that were bitersweet and others that were just plain screamingly-amazingly-GREAT that I would give anything, to witness again.
Starting from last year May 4th, I honestly could never, ever have guessed all the things that happened to me. It was that time then, that brought a whole new phase on. A phase that started off so very brilliantly, and on such a sunny note. I carried that with me through the most amazing summer I've honestly, ever had. It felt like I was home for a while, and it was then that I thought I had found some sort of stability from within. The kinds of things I experienced, could never be told by plain words. I found this.. kind of love, I never thought could be possible to witness.
After I returned back to London, things more or less started to go downhill from there. One after the other, I felt I was being bombarded by disturbing events. I almost lost myself in the mess I created for myself, and honestly had dug the deepest hole, which kept growing deeper and darker till just a month ago. It was a nasty place to be in, but it taught me so many things. Taught me the value of having friends, of being one back.. Of being loyal, supportive and understanding to the people I love dearly. It was, not being afraid to let go of past events, and create a future for myself.. I never ever used to "live in the day", so to speak. I always used to leap to days, weeks and sometimes even months ahead, just so I could see some sort of spark for myself. It was a great mistake I made, doing that. But now, I live by "taking it a day at a time".. I'd like to think I've done pretty well so far.
Letting go of past events, was so tormenting. Just as I felt I was making some sort of progress with my relationships and myself, something would *ALWAYS* come and bite me from behind and say, "Hey, where do you think you're going? I'm not done yet".. That lasted for a few months. It was just like a roller coaster ride, just with more upside down turns than usual.. And larger, more deeper scars as well. I used to think that this "phase" was taking the best of me.. But instead, now that I look back, I see that it's actually bringing out the best in me..
I put myself through a lot these past few months.. I also endured a lot of pain, but as they say "what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger".. Well, hopefully I may fully attest to that in the forthcoming months, once I've completely moved past this particular time in my life.
I turned nineteen.. And I think it's about time I show the world what I can do, fight for who I want to be.. and get to where I want, with the people I love and adore. I also know that this next year will bring.. many, MANY more agonizing and torturing moments and events. I won't say that I'm ready for it, because you can never be completely ready. I will say though, that I think I may be regaining the lost hope I had.. And the dreams I pushed aside, in fear of being unable to experience them.
I've always been told, since I was young, by various people.. "Don't dream too much.. One day it will get to you".. And I'm thinking it's about time I chuck that one sentence out of the window, through the glass roof, down the pipe, into the ground and finally through the sewers. Right where it belongs.
Here's to me. Here's to stability, more painful events, a bit of torture, happiness, tears, love, contentment, relationships, distance, hope, dreaming and finally.. Here's to my first toast ever, for myself.
*CHEERS!*
[This first post, of my new year.. I dedicate to my bed - A loyal and comforting object that has been there for me quite a lot].
A few days late on this post, I know.. I've just needed the time to organise what exactly I wanted to write. But then I realised, I never really pre-plan my posts, ever. After that thought went down the drain, I just sat here.. and started to do what I do best. Blab.
My birthday wasn't anything special. It was just another day, with extra phonecalls, text messages and Instant messages online. There was nothing significant about it either.. To me, it was a passing day. And, it was the first time I felt that way about my birthday.
In past years, I've usually had something to look forward to, and if not.. Someone always made it special in some way - surprise parties, surprise visits, etc. Birthdays haven't really been a big deal for me for a while.. But it never stopped me from getting a tad bit excited like a little child. It was completely the opposite this year.. I didn't even realise it was my birthday, until I came home to find an overwhelming number of birthday wishes. (Thank you, everyone..)
Don't get me wrong, I wasn't upset by it or any of that. It was pleasant for me to just celebrate it by myself in a way.. Celebrate the past year that has gone by, and all the hard, strenuous, bloody difficult and.. straining moments I've had. Along with all the absolutely gorgeous memories, some that were bitersweet and others that were just plain screamingly-amazingly-GREAT that I would give anything, to witness again.
Starting from last year May 4th, I honestly could never, ever have guessed all the things that happened to me. It was that time then, that brought a whole new phase on. A phase that started off so very brilliantly, and on such a sunny note. I carried that with me through the most amazing summer I've honestly, ever had. It felt like I was home for a while, and it was then that I thought I had found some sort of stability from within. The kinds of things I experienced, could never be told by plain words. I found this.. kind of love, I never thought could be possible to witness.
After I returned back to London, things more or less started to go downhill from there. One after the other, I felt I was being bombarded by disturbing events. I almost lost myself in the mess I created for myself, and honestly had dug the deepest hole, which kept growing deeper and darker till just a month ago. It was a nasty place to be in, but it taught me so many things. Taught me the value of having friends, of being one back.. Of being loyal, supportive and understanding to the people I love dearly. It was, not being afraid to let go of past events, and create a future for myself.. I never ever used to "live in the day", so to speak. I always used to leap to days, weeks and sometimes even months ahead, just so I could see some sort of spark for myself. It was a great mistake I made, doing that. But now, I live by "taking it a day at a time".. I'd like to think I've done pretty well so far.
Letting go of past events, was so tormenting. Just as I felt I was making some sort of progress with my relationships and myself, something would *ALWAYS* come and bite me from behind and say, "Hey, where do you think you're going? I'm not done yet".. That lasted for a few months. It was just like a roller coaster ride, just with more upside down turns than usual.. And larger, more deeper scars as well. I used to think that this "phase" was taking the best of me.. But instead, now that I look back, I see that it's actually bringing out the best in me..
I put myself through a lot these past few months.. I also endured a lot of pain, but as they say "what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger".. Well, hopefully I may fully attest to that in the forthcoming months, once I've completely moved past this particular time in my life.
I turned nineteen.. And I think it's about time I show the world what I can do, fight for who I want to be.. and get to where I want, with the people I love and adore. I also know that this next year will bring.. many, MANY more agonizing and torturing moments and events. I won't say that I'm ready for it, because you can never be completely ready. I will say though, that I think I may be regaining the lost hope I had.. And the dreams I pushed aside, in fear of being unable to experience them.
I've always been told, since I was young, by various people.. "Don't dream too much.. One day it will get to you".. And I'm thinking it's about time I chuck that one sentence out of the window, through the glass roof, down the pipe, into the ground and finally through the sewers. Right where it belongs.
Here's to me. Here's to stability, more painful events, a bit of torture, happiness, tears, love, contentment, relationships, distance, hope, dreaming and finally.. Here's to my first toast ever, for myself.
*CHEERS!*
[This first post, of my new year.. I dedicate to my bed - A loyal and comforting object that has been there for me quite a lot].
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