Understanding someone/something is hard. You can tell somebody that you "understand" them, but do you really? I mean, we can rave on about how much we actually "get" other people, and their thoughts and so forth. But I think it's very rare we have that spark with another person where you just know what they're thinking or feeling just by looking at them.
I think I've been fortunate in meeting some very wonderful people across the phases of my existence - some whom I have shared that connection/spark with. More often though I've felt that I've known or understood the person better than they have with me. There have been times where I have thought that I was the more loyal and dedicated person in a relationship as well. This is probably down to how seriously I take those sparks/connections that I manage to have with very few people. It's only over the past couple of years where I have really started sharing parts of me (very carefully!) with different individuals in my life. There have been many moments that one of these individuals have told me "I knew you were thinking that! I just knew it!" And I have to say, it feels oddly warming to know that someone can read your thoughts or expressions that well.
Recently I've taken time to appreciate such connections I've made with various individuals across the globe, and I have to say that a part of me has been left with each of them - whether we are still in touch or not, and whether that connection lasted a day or a few years, I think it's important to create some memory space for them.
Some classic music - reminiscent of some lovely people I know, and have known.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Three Little Birds
Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing, gonna be all right.
Rise up this morning, smiled with the rising sun,
Three little birds pitch by my doorstep
Singing sweet songs of melodies pure and true
Saying - "This is my message to you"
Rise up this morning, smiled with the rising sun,
Three little birds pitch by my doorstep
Singing sweet songs of melodies pure and true
Saying - "This is my message to you"
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Plummet
I notice how the tones of my posts are changing over the last few weeks. Yes, it is definitely a reflection of deeper thoughts, harder times and different emotions.
I have found that I confuse myself a lot lately. I can somehow always give sound and logical advice to those around me, but when it comes down to myself I manage to do the complete opposite. That is, I seem to never follow the advice I give to others for myself. I have these crazy battles within my head of what to do next, all the time. It's like sometimes I'm many people in a fish market in there (I hope they're at least buying good fish).
I'm the type of person who never really tells anyone when I'm going through something, unless that person is very very close to me - even then, I seem to tell them later on when I've calmed down. I've become very accustomed to dealing with my emotions and problems myself for a very long time now, and I guess I often mistake asking for help as a sign of weakness, almost. Or not. I think I'm afraid of hurting others around me as well, that maybe they'll start worrying about my issues. Plus it's also a psychological thing - if you think you're unhappy, then you will be unhappy, make others around you unhappy and create a great big unhappiness spiral for yourself. I've been there already and it's not pretty. Yeah, I have a few odd hours of negative emotions, but I somehow manage to pick myself up by the end of the day. I guess my logic takes over at some point (hallelujah!).
I mean I understand that whatever my "problems" are, aren't necessarily as bad as other things people are growing through across the world. That is something that usually brings me back down (to earth) and appreciate what I have whilst lifting the focus away from the various hardships I may be facing. However, sometimes those things don't make a difference. Yes others may be suffering, but what I'm going through is big for me. I wish I could do help others, but I can't. The only person I can help is me, and if sometimes wallowing or feeling gloomy helps me, then so be it. I guess what I'm trying to say (in a roundabout way) is that, I know there are billions out there worse off than me, and I acknowledge that everyday in my own way.. But that doesn't mean that I should just fluff my issues - no matter how big or small they may seem to another person - off, acting like they mean nothing. Perhaps its a way of dealing with it at times, because I know I often feel different once I think about others. In fact, I feel guilty sometimes, when I feel unhappy or let down by circumstances, knowing that I still have so much to appreciate (not to say that I don't otherwise). Ah c'est la vie, non?
But I guess in the end, we all want someone to catch us when we're falling sometimes.. Or at least throw a rope.
In the interest of falling - here's a great song.
I have found that I confuse myself a lot lately. I can somehow always give sound and logical advice to those around me, but when it comes down to myself I manage to do the complete opposite. That is, I seem to never follow the advice I give to others for myself. I have these crazy battles within my head of what to do next, all the time. It's like sometimes I'm many people in a fish market in there (I hope they're at least buying good fish).
I'm the type of person who never really tells anyone when I'm going through something, unless that person is very very close to me - even then, I seem to tell them later on when I've calmed down. I've become very accustomed to dealing with my emotions and problems myself for a very long time now, and I guess I often mistake asking for help as a sign of weakness, almost. Or not. I think I'm afraid of hurting others around me as well, that maybe they'll start worrying about my issues. Plus it's also a psychological thing - if you think you're unhappy, then you will be unhappy, make others around you unhappy and create a great big unhappiness spiral for yourself. I've been there already and it's not pretty. Yeah, I have a few odd hours of negative emotions, but I somehow manage to pick myself up by the end of the day. I guess my logic takes over at some point (hallelujah!).
I mean I understand that whatever my "problems" are, aren't necessarily as bad as other things people are growing through across the world. That is something that usually brings me back down (to earth) and appreciate what I have whilst lifting the focus away from the various hardships I may be facing. However, sometimes those things don't make a difference. Yes others may be suffering, but what I'm going through is big for me. I wish I could do help others, but I can't. The only person I can help is me, and if sometimes wallowing or feeling gloomy helps me, then so be it. I guess what I'm trying to say (in a roundabout way) is that, I know there are billions out there worse off than me, and I acknowledge that everyday in my own way.. But that doesn't mean that I should just fluff my issues - no matter how big or small they may seem to another person - off, acting like they mean nothing. Perhaps its a way of dealing with it at times, because I know I often feel different once I think about others. In fact, I feel guilty sometimes, when I feel unhappy or let down by circumstances, knowing that I still have so much to appreciate (not to say that I don't otherwise). Ah c'est la vie, non?
But I guess in the end, we all want someone to catch us when we're falling sometimes.. Or at least throw a rope.
In the interest of falling - here's a great song.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
"When I was just a little girl"
As a young girl, I was quite.. Peculiar, to put it nicely. At least I think so. I remember finding myself doing a lot of things alone - like playing with my toys (which as my sisters put it "hoarding and arranging stickers" - I'll explain later), and interacting with those much older than me. When I was about 7 or so, I would always hang around when my sisters friends would come over. I guess it was weird having two older sisters and being the youngest with strange age-gaps as well as not living in the UK with the cousins who were about the same age as me. That's why my sisters wouldn't obviously want to do things with me that were too "young" for them, such as playing with my awesome doll house (without dolls of course, considering I hated dolls), my kitchen set (of course! I've been a chef from a young age!) and board games like Guess Who and etc.
I look back on my childhood now, whilst I see my nieces and nephew grow up, and that's when all these thoughts came into my head. I started thinking about all the things I used to do when I was younger, and how exactly I spent my time. A large part of me obviously stems from my childhood, which I hope has evolved for the better right now.
When we first moved to the UAE, I remember being ill all the time. There were weeks I wouldn't attend school due to extremely high fever, nose bleeds and all sorts of crazy things like that. There were many nights I would wake up with my pillow soaked in blood from my nose, and wouldn't really know why it would happen. There were also those days I wouldn't want to go to school because I was scared of an Arabic or French test I'd have (languages have clearly never been my forte!) There are several things that stick out a great deal from the first few years we spent across Dubai and Abu Dhabi - such as having nightmares all the time (some I still remember vividly!), and having my family over from the US and UK a lot as well. It was also around that time where I went to India on a massive family trip around different cities - such as going to see the Taj Mahal and the Agra (red) Fort.
Growing up, I recall spending a lot of time with my parents without my sisters as well. As they were older than me, they were allowed to go on holidays with my cousins and do other things whilst I stayed wherever my parents were. I didn't usually mind as I used to keep myself quite busy doing all sorts like reading comics (ARCHIE'S ftw!) and watching movies that I never really understood with my dad like, Jason and the Argonauts or some strange Indian movie which I used to watch exhaustively. I used to hang out with them quite a lot, and what's strange is that I can't remember what I used to do with them. It seems like such a blur, for the most part.
There were lots of moments with food though. It explains a lot about the chub I walked around with for many years. Yes, food! Eating many shawarma's (from around town) and fish fillets from McDonalds was just the beginning. Food was something I think became a part of my personality, weird as it sounds. Everyone would always ask my mum what she was feeding me, as I was quite a healthy little (fat) girl. There was this phase where I was piling on the tyres by the week, and my parents began worrying for me - perhaps I had a thyroid problem, or some type of hormonal imbalance. There were so many blood tests that were taken for the following two-three weeks. It was actually around that time where my fear for needles vanished as I became so accustomed to them. Alas, it was found that I had no health issue associated to the increase in my weight, but that I was just happy and jolly by nature.
I feel quite sad knowing how much time I spent alone though. I used to have many, many friends - some I still meet every time I go to Dubai and others who have become very close to me. I would always attend birthday parties and other get togethers like that - but I would never go out of my way to go visit them and stay over at their house or something. I was so used to playing, watching, reading and just being alone. Yes, I used to collect a lot of things - like coins, phone cards, stickers, stationary (especially colour pencils and rubbers), as well as little unusual objects which I strangely still have. Whilst cleaning out a lot of my junk last month, I came across various things which I had since I was very young. It hit me then, that I spent a lot of time dazing off to this very unknown world of mine. I was a very eccentric child.
I think the reason to why I was like that, was due to how many times we would move. I never really thought about it until recently. We would move cities or houses within cities quite a lot. I didn't mind of course, cause each time my parents made sure we were comfortable and settled perfectly well. I think that's what lead me to have less attachments to the friends I made across the Middle East, but at the same time understand the reality of things as well.
There are so many of my sisters friends (who have over time become family friends, due to my cousins moving to the Middle East and attending the same schools as us) who knew me as I was growing up. They remember such silly things about me but they also remember how I used to always be the youngest person at the gatherings they would have. It's clear now, that I was always older than my age. The interactions I would look for, always came from much older people. Perhaps that's why throughout my "teenage" years, I found myself constantly hanging around individuals who were very different - people who didn't fit into cliques or had a "group" they hung out with during lunch/PE times and those who were also eclectic in their own ways. However, I somehow always found something more in them than others would. I look back now on all the "close friendships" I had each year of my secondary school, and began noticing the above pattern in the friends I made.
I've learnt in Psychology how your experiences at a young age, affect you at a later age - such as how you are in a romantic relationship or how you form friendships. I have to say it's absolutely true. I am the type of person who has kept in touch with the people I met way back in Kindergarten - and have very very few close friends who know me well currently.
I have also seen how different children are now. I mean, a large portion of their lives are dependent upon technology. Children as young as 3 know how to operate a laptop probably better than their own parents, and use language to form such surprising phrases. I'm not saying that I was dense as a child or anything, but there were so many other things I would do with my time. I know that this new generation is quite different obviously, and can't live the way I did or my sisters did whilst we were growing up, and they would probably be singled out as being weird -- but I guess I feel almost sorry for them. Even the cartoons they watch, it's not the innocent single-meaning type that I used to watch. I mean shows like Ben 10 and this whole absolutely annoying Disney-Channel era of Hannah Montana and Jonas Brothers is just not young-childlike, you know? I mean, they have double meaning jokes and apparent hidden messages (which make parents paranoid) in mostly many "young" shows and cartoons. There's absolutely no innocence left. I think I was really really innocent till my late-teenage years. And I loved it. No, I wasn't naive or stupid, just innocent. When others were off doing ridiculous things with their boyfriends at age 15, I was busy reading, writing, hanging out with the family, travelling and just trying to keep up with having acne and all those crazy things.
When I was doing my A-levels in Media Studies, I recall doing this whole module on children TV - like a before and after segment - from the 70's and 80's to the current millennium. It was one of the most interesting topics I had ever studied. I remember watching episodes of Bag Puss and the old and original Scooby doo as well as others like Sesame Street. It was quite strange to see how overtime people started finding reasons to make shows like Sesame Street seem perverted. When I watch an old episode now, I don't find it corrupted.
I have heard many stories of myself as a baby, infant, toddler and annoying-aged child (the very silly age from 4 - 10) throughout my life. I have heard the stories about my singing abilities of many songs, and how loudly I screeched when I didn't get something I wanted or when somebody teased me. I've heard it all. But one of my most favourite stories is how much I used to love the song "Nothings Gonna Change My Love for You by Glenn Mederios" (linked) at the age of 3. Obviously I had no idea what the song was, what the dude was saying or why it was a nice song. But it's just something that really makes me smile.
I hope this post (and song) manages to trigger some really sweet and pleasant childhood memories for you today.
I look back on my childhood now, whilst I see my nieces and nephew grow up, and that's when all these thoughts came into my head. I started thinking about all the things I used to do when I was younger, and how exactly I spent my time. A large part of me obviously stems from my childhood, which I hope has evolved for the better right now.
When we first moved to the UAE, I remember being ill all the time. There were weeks I wouldn't attend school due to extremely high fever, nose bleeds and all sorts of crazy things like that. There were many nights I would wake up with my pillow soaked in blood from my nose, and wouldn't really know why it would happen. There were also those days I wouldn't want to go to school because I was scared of an Arabic or French test I'd have (languages have clearly never been my forte!) There are several things that stick out a great deal from the first few years we spent across Dubai and Abu Dhabi - such as having nightmares all the time (some I still remember vividly!), and having my family over from the US and UK a lot as well. It was also around that time where I went to India on a massive family trip around different cities - such as going to see the Taj Mahal and the Agra (red) Fort.
Growing up, I recall spending a lot of time with my parents without my sisters as well. As they were older than me, they were allowed to go on holidays with my cousins and do other things whilst I stayed wherever my parents were. I didn't usually mind as I used to keep myself quite busy doing all sorts like reading comics (ARCHIE'S ftw!) and watching movies that I never really understood with my dad like, Jason and the Argonauts or some strange Indian movie which I used to watch exhaustively. I used to hang out with them quite a lot, and what's strange is that I can't remember what I used to do with them. It seems like such a blur, for the most part.
There were lots of moments with food though. It explains a lot about the chub I walked around with for many years. Yes, food! Eating many shawarma's (from around town) and fish fillets from McDonalds was just the beginning. Food was something I think became a part of my personality, weird as it sounds. Everyone would always ask my mum what she was feeding me, as I was quite a healthy little (fat) girl. There was this phase where I was piling on the tyres by the week, and my parents began worrying for me - perhaps I had a thyroid problem, or some type of hormonal imbalance. There were so many blood tests that were taken for the following two-three weeks. It was actually around that time where my fear for needles vanished as I became so accustomed to them. Alas, it was found that I had no health issue associated to the increase in my weight, but that I was just happy and jolly by nature.
I feel quite sad knowing how much time I spent alone though. I used to have many, many friends - some I still meet every time I go to Dubai and others who have become very close to me. I would always attend birthday parties and other get togethers like that - but I would never go out of my way to go visit them and stay over at their house or something. I was so used to playing, watching, reading and just being alone. Yes, I used to collect a lot of things - like coins, phone cards, stickers, stationary (especially colour pencils and rubbers), as well as little unusual objects which I strangely still have. Whilst cleaning out a lot of my junk last month, I came across various things which I had since I was very young. It hit me then, that I spent a lot of time dazing off to this very unknown world of mine. I was a very eccentric child.
I think the reason to why I was like that, was due to how many times we would move. I never really thought about it until recently. We would move cities or houses within cities quite a lot. I didn't mind of course, cause each time my parents made sure we were comfortable and settled perfectly well. I think that's what lead me to have less attachments to the friends I made across the Middle East, but at the same time understand the reality of things as well.
There are so many of my sisters friends (who have over time become family friends, due to my cousins moving to the Middle East and attending the same schools as us) who knew me as I was growing up. They remember such silly things about me but they also remember how I used to always be the youngest person at the gatherings they would have. It's clear now, that I was always older than my age. The interactions I would look for, always came from much older people. Perhaps that's why throughout my "teenage" years, I found myself constantly hanging around individuals who were very different - people who didn't fit into cliques or had a "group" they hung out with during lunch/PE times and those who were also eclectic in their own ways. However, I somehow always found something more in them than others would. I look back now on all the "close friendships" I had each year of my secondary school, and began noticing the above pattern in the friends I made.
I've learnt in Psychology how your experiences at a young age, affect you at a later age - such as how you are in a romantic relationship or how you form friendships. I have to say it's absolutely true. I am the type of person who has kept in touch with the people I met way back in Kindergarten - and have very very few close friends who know me well currently.
I have also seen how different children are now. I mean, a large portion of their lives are dependent upon technology. Children as young as 3 know how to operate a laptop probably better than their own parents, and use language to form such surprising phrases. I'm not saying that I was dense as a child or anything, but there were so many other things I would do with my time. I know that this new generation is quite different obviously, and can't live the way I did or my sisters did whilst we were growing up, and they would probably be singled out as being weird -- but I guess I feel almost sorry for them. Even the cartoons they watch, it's not the innocent single-meaning type that I used to watch. I mean shows like Ben 10 and this whole absolutely annoying Disney-Channel era of Hannah Montana and Jonas Brothers is just not young-childlike, you know? I mean, they have double meaning jokes and apparent hidden messages (which make parents paranoid) in mostly many "young" shows and cartoons. There's absolutely no innocence left. I think I was really really innocent till my late-teenage years. And I loved it. No, I wasn't naive or stupid, just innocent. When others were off doing ridiculous things with their boyfriends at age 15, I was busy reading, writing, hanging out with the family, travelling and just trying to keep up with having acne and all those crazy things.
When I was doing my A-levels in Media Studies, I recall doing this whole module on children TV - like a before and after segment - from the 70's and 80's to the current millennium. It was one of the most interesting topics I had ever studied. I remember watching episodes of Bag Puss and the old and original Scooby doo as well as others like Sesame Street. It was quite strange to see how overtime people started finding reasons to make shows like Sesame Street seem perverted. When I watch an old episode now, I don't find it corrupted.
I have heard many stories of myself as a baby, infant, toddler and annoying-aged child (the very silly age from 4 - 10) throughout my life. I have heard the stories about my singing abilities of many songs, and how loudly I screeched when I didn't get something I wanted or when somebody teased me. I've heard it all. But one of my most favourite stories is how much I used to love the song "Nothings Gonna Change My Love for You by Glenn Mederios" (linked) at the age of 3. Obviously I had no idea what the song was, what the dude was saying or why it was a nice song. But it's just something that really makes me smile.
I hope this post (and song) manages to trigger some really sweet and pleasant childhood memories for you today.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Stagnate
stagnate |stagˈneɪt| |ˈstagneɪt|
verb [ intrans. ]
(of water or air) cease to flow or move; become stagnant.
• figurative cease developing; become inactive or dull : teaching can easily stagnate into a set of routines
verb [ intrans. ]
(of water or air) cease to flow or move; become stagnant.
• figurative cease developing; become inactive or dull : teaching can easily stagnate into a set of routines
Alter Bridge
After my last post, I decided to go through a few photos from various concerts I've been through and came across the Alter Bridge gig.. And of course I had to listen to some of their music. Here's one of their more ballad-y tracks along with a picture I took of Myles. Should have uploaded a picture of Myles and Tremonti but it's blurry.
And here's the link to one of my all time favourite AB songs - Watch Over You
And here's the link to one of my all time favourite AB songs - Watch Over You
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Musical Remedy
I know I've been posting a lot of music lately, and I guess it's down to the fact that I'm finding it myself. I remember a few years ago, I would listen to music (or watch films, etc) that was influenced by other people's taste. I would eventually grow warm to it, and change according to the people I was close to as time went on.
I guess those "phases" were needed, seeing as they've bought me to this stage now where I know what I like - and it's my own. It's not influenced by someone else, it's not something I watch/listen to because I became used to it. They are things I started to fall in love with myself, after years of just trying to settle into some kind of description. It's funny now, when I listen to a song or watch a movie or something from just a few years ago, and I find myself either laughing or cringing at it, wondering what I was thinking.
It feels good to know that I'm finally understanding things about myself. For example, I love listening to old indian songs that I grew up listening to (whether I really understand the meanings of the words or not isn't up for debate), or listening to some really loud Slipknot or System of a Down.. But then I love listening to the cheesy 70's and 80's stuff too, like Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler) or a bit of more calm, inspirational stuff like Enya. And at others, a lot of Pendulum and Prodigy. And I can fall in love with each piece music in a different manner each time, if I can find the connection to it. These days I'm into this whole "accidentally coming across great music" period. And I think it's working well. I don't want to put it into any categories, but it's exciting.
There are some songs though, that just stand out. Like this one, that I've been listening to for the last decade. One of the best bands out there - fo 'sho!
I guess those "phases" were needed, seeing as they've bought me to this stage now where I know what I like - and it's my own. It's not influenced by someone else, it's not something I watch/listen to because I became used to it. They are things I started to fall in love with myself, after years of just trying to settle into some kind of description. It's funny now, when I listen to a song or watch a movie or something from just a few years ago, and I find myself either laughing or cringing at it, wondering what I was thinking.
It feels good to know that I'm finally understanding things about myself. For example, I love listening to old indian songs that I grew up listening to (whether I really understand the meanings of the words or not isn't up for debate), or listening to some really loud Slipknot or System of a Down.. But then I love listening to the cheesy 70's and 80's stuff too, like Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler) or a bit of more calm, inspirational stuff like Enya. And at others, a lot of Pendulum and Prodigy. And I can fall in love with each piece music in a different manner each time, if I can find the connection to it. These days I'm into this whole "accidentally coming across great music" period. And I think it's working well. I don't want to put it into any categories, but it's exciting.
There are some songs though, that just stand out. Like this one, that I've been listening to for the last decade. One of the best bands out there - fo 'sho!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Emotions
They are strange.
There are things I will have such strong emotions about - like when I think about something that means a lot to me, or a memory that is very close to me. I will often cry, laugh or just pleasantly smile to myself.. And those things usually happen when I'm alone, walking somewhere, on a train with my iPod tucked into my ears, or reading my book in the early hours of the morning. I feel strange showing strong emotions to people around me, I guess I'm used to being very independent with how I feel, and dealing with it myself.
Lately, I find myself telling people the truth about what I'm going through, or feeling. Albeit only a couple of people know these things. I find myself letting out emotions that I would otherwise close off, or just stick in the corner of my mind and eventually let it drive me crazy (yes, I did Psychology and I should know better). But I guess it's the way I've accustomed myself to deal with various situations. I think the biggest issue I've had is allowing others to see a weaker side of me, or even showing any side of me at all. Yes it probably does track back to having several trust issues. I'd like to think I've come out of that massive web of emotions, and I am more settled and understanding of who I am and aspects of my personality.
The reason why I've been thinking about all these things lately is down to the fact that I have had to several personality-based questionnaires and tests online for various jobs - you know the whole "What would you do in this situation" with several options to choose from. I guess a lot of things are put into perspective whilst carrying out these tests, who knew?
There is a side of me that I think has always stayed the same. There are certain memories of mine which I will never come to share with others. They make up parts of my personality, my thoughts and the way I live my life. And perhaps if I did share those, people would understand me better. But I think, we're the type of individuals who often over-use and over-talk about certain events so much that they eventually lose all meaning. You start almost feeling nauseous every time you hear that persons name.
I find myself amused with how I react to a lot of things. Death doesn't make me sad any more. When somebody I know and love passes away, I find myself mourning for 5 minutes at best. The rest of the time I like thinking of them in a positive way, and just thinking of memories with them. Eventually I realise that I didn't cry or depress myself in the corner like most would. Am I turning cold? Or does nothing surprise me? That's such a sad thought! It's like I have no more faith left in the human race or something. Tsk.
The other day, I was watching an episode of one of my favourite shows, Brothers and Sisters. It was a really emotional and upsetting episode, and I had no problem bawling for ages whilst watching it. Same with songs, I feel extremely strong emotions with different songs all the time without difficulty.
A song to end all misery of this post.
There are things I will have such strong emotions about - like when I think about something that means a lot to me, or a memory that is very close to me. I will often cry, laugh or just pleasantly smile to myself.. And those things usually happen when I'm alone, walking somewhere, on a train with my iPod tucked into my ears, or reading my book in the early hours of the morning. I feel strange showing strong emotions to people around me, I guess I'm used to being very independent with how I feel, and dealing with it myself.
Lately, I find myself telling people the truth about what I'm going through, or feeling. Albeit only a couple of people know these things. I find myself letting out emotions that I would otherwise close off, or just stick in the corner of my mind and eventually let it drive me crazy (yes, I did Psychology and I should know better). But I guess it's the way I've accustomed myself to deal with various situations. I think the biggest issue I've had is allowing others to see a weaker side of me, or even showing any side of me at all. Yes it probably does track back to having several trust issues. I'd like to think I've come out of that massive web of emotions, and I am more settled and understanding of who I am and aspects of my personality.
The reason why I've been thinking about all these things lately is down to the fact that I have had to several personality-based questionnaires and tests online for various jobs - you know the whole "What would you do in this situation" with several options to choose from. I guess a lot of things are put into perspective whilst carrying out these tests, who knew?
There is a side of me that I think has always stayed the same. There are certain memories of mine which I will never come to share with others. They make up parts of my personality, my thoughts and the way I live my life. And perhaps if I did share those, people would understand me better. But I think, we're the type of individuals who often over-use and over-talk about certain events so much that they eventually lose all meaning. You start almost feeling nauseous every time you hear that persons name.
I find myself amused with how I react to a lot of things. Death doesn't make me sad any more. When somebody I know and love passes away, I find myself mourning for 5 minutes at best. The rest of the time I like thinking of them in a positive way, and just thinking of memories with them. Eventually I realise that I didn't cry or depress myself in the corner like most would. Am I turning cold? Or does nothing surprise me? That's such a sad thought! It's like I have no more faith left in the human race or something. Tsk.
The other day, I was watching an episode of one of my favourite shows, Brothers and Sisters. It was a really emotional and upsetting episode, and I had no problem bawling for ages whilst watching it. Same with songs, I feel extremely strong emotions with different songs all the time without difficulty.
A song to end all misery of this post.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Check your totem
We should all have a totem.
I need to find mine. Have any of you found yours?
(For those non-geeks out there - Totem = The object used to check one's reality. Yes, from Inception).
I need to find mine. Have any of you found yours?
(For those non-geeks out there - Totem = The object used to check one's reality. Yes, from Inception).
Thursday, January 20, 2011
It's only words
I've been writing for the better part of my existence (rather, since I finally learnt how to write properly, using good vocabulary (let's just say that, I didn't discover words till MUCH later.)) I have had this blog now for the last 6ish years and before that I had another blog - so I guess its right to say that words mean a lot to me.
I have used words in all types of descriptive ways. I've used them when I was angry, heartbroken, happy, in hate, in love, excited, confused, nervous.. You name it and I've used words for it. And for the most part I think I'm pretty good with communicating my thoughts and feelings through words. I often end up talking for ages, about lord knows what. It's only when I recently revisited some of my older posts and realised that I used to talk such crap. I mean, wow. I was such an idiot. Good riddance to bad vocabulary, grammar and general annoyances (I bet I'll be saying the same to this post a few years later).
There is one thing I have found though. Words are hard to find, well the right words are hard to find when you're saying goodbye. I use a lot of humour to cover up a lot of things, like a lot of people do. I may crack a joke in a "depressing" setting, because of an underlying unpleasant emotion I can't otherwise let out. There are also other times where words have failed me - when I miss somebody, or when I have to convey affectionate and loving feelings towards somebody. I find it hard and slightly uncomfortable to talk about certain things. Sometimes my actions mean a lot more than my words.
I find words to be incredibly cathartic. You're always waiting to hear something from someone, whether it's a "Yes, you've got the job" or "you've lost weight". It puts things into perspective. Words can make you feel like jumping off a cliff, if they come from a nasty place, they can make you feel like you're the most beautiful thing that ever walked the earth and sometimes can give you a reason to get through another day. I think people need to use words more. Be creative. There's a plethora of phrases, sentences, speeches and languages you have at your disposal to say something, anything to another person. Or yourself.
A lot of times I think, words can be dangerous. Especially when you can't find the right ones, and say something out of context. A lot of misunderstandings in relationships for instance, begin with general misinterpretations of words said or not said. I think it's an art. If you are one of those people who always know what to say and when to say them, you're good. Nay, great. And as I say that, a certain individual comes to mind. You know who you are.
If words weren't so powerful, politicians wouldn't win us over (No, David Cameron, not you), we wouldn't swoon over romantic comedies, read endless books, listen to music, and have Literature as a subject.
So people who read my blog (I'm trying to think of new words to describe my international fan-base. Yes, I've reached Russia, Brazil and Italy!) use a new word today (such a "Cher" comment from Clueless).
Alas, here it is. One of the best ways to express thoughts, opinions, feelings and emotions through words. A song.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I hope you don't haunt me in these dreams ever again
"Do you ever think of me, the way I think of you?" (Cheese alert!)
Those thoughts often linger in my mind after I wake up from a weird dream. I often dream about people who have meant something to me at some point. I wake up feeling comfortably numb in the remains of the scenes from an unexpected dream on some days, wondering if that person also thinks of me the way I think of them. No, I don't mean in a fairytale or wonderfully romantic way, I guess I just wonder if I ever cross certain peoples thoughts during their day.
Sometimes dreams are so real that it physically hurts you as you leave that world and enter reality. I have my suspicions that dreams are created to torture people. Why else would you meet people there and have these, indescribable moments with them for about 15-45 minutes - depending on which dream stage you are on - every few days? We are masochists. Plus, half of the dreams we have are manifestations of our deep, troubled, and sometimes extremely screwed up subconscious. What a fascinating web it must be.
The thing about dreams is that, after waking up, I often fall into this funk/lull where all I do is play the dream over and over again in my head, and fall into a trance, almost - wishing that at some point it may turn into something true. Yes, I know, I sound like a badly written song by an annoying 15 year old (yes I mean Justin *censored* Bieber), but sadly c'est vrai!
I guess you could think of dreams as those little scenarios you thought of at some point. Or not. As I said before, and I reiterate again, I'm not an escapist. I used to be though. I used to think I was living in two worlds, and hardly ever had my feet on the ground, and seemed like I would float away effortlessly. I do have more fun on Earth I have to say. :)
This post is dedicated to those who recur in my dreams and haunt me far too much. Go away. Find another empty mind. Honestly.
(Having said that.. Don't be afraid to pop by once in a while. I like dreaming about you.)
Those thoughts often linger in my mind after I wake up from a weird dream. I often dream about people who have meant something to me at some point. I wake up feeling comfortably numb in the remains of the scenes from an unexpected dream on some days, wondering if that person also thinks of me the way I think of them. No, I don't mean in a fairytale or wonderfully romantic way, I guess I just wonder if I ever cross certain peoples thoughts during their day.
Sometimes dreams are so real that it physically hurts you as you leave that world and enter reality. I have my suspicions that dreams are created to torture people. Why else would you meet people there and have these, indescribable moments with them for about 15-45 minutes - depending on which dream stage you are on - every few days? We are masochists. Plus, half of the dreams we have are manifestations of our deep, troubled, and sometimes extremely screwed up subconscious. What a fascinating web it must be.
The thing about dreams is that, after waking up, I often fall into this funk/lull where all I do is play the dream over and over again in my head, and fall into a trance, almost - wishing that at some point it may turn into something true. Yes, I know, I sound like a badly written song by an annoying 15 year old (yes I mean Justin *censored* Bieber), but sadly c'est vrai!
I guess you could think of dreams as those little scenarios you thought of at some point. Or not. As I said before, and I reiterate again, I'm not an escapist. I used to be though. I used to think I was living in two worlds, and hardly ever had my feet on the ground, and seemed like I would float away effortlessly. I do have more fun on Earth I have to say. :)
This post is dedicated to those who recur in my dreams and haunt me far too much. Go away. Find another empty mind. Honestly.
(Having said that.. Don't be afraid to pop by once in a while. I like dreaming about you.)
Friday, January 14, 2011
Tea and Biscuits
"Il Dolce Far Niente" - the Italians say that there is a particular sweetness in doing nothing. I have to agree, whole heartedly. There is something so charming about the Mediterranean culture. They're all about the food - enjoying absolutely fresh produce like seafood, olives, cheeses and the list goes on - and being laid back, like taking a siesta.
Over the last few years, I have taken an interest in and have been introduced to the Mediterranean way of living. What I was most amused by was how they are in no hurry to get to places (unlike here), or to stress themselves out over petty matters that would usually send someone into a frenzy - they live by simplicity, which I think lacks in a lot of lives these days.
Let me explain further. There used to be a time in the day where I'd sit to have tea. It was something of a treat everyday, or at least a few times a week. Not being quite a tea-drinker myself (as you can tell from the coffee post), it was more about the whole biscuit experience - you know, dunking your biscuits into your tea.
For many in my family, tea time is an event. I kid you not. There are cakes, doughnuts, savoury snacks of all types (with nuts, potato sticks, puffed rice, etc.), croissants, toast with various spreads and really anything that you can have with tea. Biscuits with tea is something I've grown up with - you know, good old Rich Tea Biscuits, dunked in tea, until they become all soggy and bend to an almost fall before you eat it - is one of the most yummiest sensations ever. This soggy, wet, soft, mushy and warm mix is just so comforting. And its only certain biscuits you can have that with. It's the similar feeling you get with milk and cookies - after obviously dunking them for a while until they become all soft too!
However, since starting the gym, and going into University and all sorts of other things, I realised that I rarely sit down to enjoy a nice little treat with myself, in the quietness of my company or in the middle of the day when the whole country is at it's peak of busy-ness. I spend most of my afternoons in the gym, leaving me an evening to my laptop (where I spend hours applying for jobs, etc.) and then by late night, I'm spent. Although I do this in the comfort of my own room, it's really not in the "quietness of my company".. I hope that soon, I find time to indulge in the sweetness of nothing. Whatever that may be.
I miss that quiet and comforting treat.
And as per usual, a song to end a perfectly comforting read.
Over the last few years, I have taken an interest in and have been introduced to the Mediterranean way of living. What I was most amused by was how they are in no hurry to get to places (unlike here), or to stress themselves out over petty matters that would usually send someone into a frenzy - they live by simplicity, which I think lacks in a lot of lives these days.
Let me explain further. There used to be a time in the day where I'd sit to have tea. It was something of a treat everyday, or at least a few times a week. Not being quite a tea-drinker myself (as you can tell from the coffee post), it was more about the whole biscuit experience - you know, dunking your biscuits into your tea.
For many in my family, tea time is an event. I kid you not. There are cakes, doughnuts, savoury snacks of all types (with nuts, potato sticks, puffed rice, etc.), croissants, toast with various spreads and really anything that you can have with tea. Biscuits with tea is something I've grown up with - you know, good old Rich Tea Biscuits, dunked in tea, until they become all soggy and bend to an almost fall before you eat it - is one of the most yummiest sensations ever. This soggy, wet, soft, mushy and warm mix is just so comforting. And its only certain biscuits you can have that with. It's the similar feeling you get with milk and cookies - after obviously dunking them for a while until they become all soft too!
However, since starting the gym, and going into University and all sorts of other things, I realised that I rarely sit down to enjoy a nice little treat with myself, in the quietness of my company or in the middle of the day when the whole country is at it's peak of busy-ness. I spend most of my afternoons in the gym, leaving me an evening to my laptop (where I spend hours applying for jobs, etc.) and then by late night, I'm spent. Although I do this in the comfort of my own room, it's really not in the "quietness of my company".. I hope that soon, I find time to indulge in the sweetness of nothing. Whatever that may be.
I miss that quiet and comforting treat.
And as per usual, a song to end a perfectly comforting read.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Pages of a book
We've all read books at some point or another - no, not educational ones, but stories, and the like. I'm the type of person who has shelves falling over with books. It brings a strange comfort, knowing that there are all these stories there, some fantastic ones, some really tragic ones, and others that seem like have written your story.
Each book I have read, I have formed an attachment with. The characters are like people I have known or currently know, bringing a realistic feel to the story. However, not all books are as deep and capturing as others. Some are just too long, too descriptive and have no soul to them.
I have been on a book reading buzz lately. Having a lot of spare time, I decided to work my way through some of the unread books I have on my shelves. I started reading one the other night, and finished it within two nights of staying awake till 4 am. Although staying awake late comes naturally to me, having a companion in the form of a book, makes the sleeplessness worth it.
Upon finishing my previous book, I remember waking up and feeling so different. It's something I have often felt after reading a really good book. It almost put me in a daze, and a sort of sadness that it came to an end. You know you're reading a great book when you dread turning to the final chapter, and I completely dreaded it.
In fact, a book I bought last summer from one of the "Best-seller" lists at Waterstones saw me do something I've never done before. I actually didn't read the last chapter at all. The whole book was far too amazing to finish, or to have an end to - especially when the ending wasn't what I wanted to read and accept. Okay, some of you may think I'm neurotic and pretty sad, but hey, reading books is like drifting off into another world - not to be mistaken with "escaping reality". As long as you know where to land your feet after you close the book, it's all okay.
There have been some stories that I have read, which have made me feel like "Wow, this person is actually writing exactly what I have been through/am going through/have witnessed through someone else" - it's a strange feeling when you read things like that, because it makes you feel a little less "abnormal" for feeling/doing those things you did then - and puts things into perspective. Although having said that, I don't need a book or a movie to tell me things I don't already know - before anyone comments on that.
So bloggies, pick up a good book and start turning those lovely pages filled with funny, tragic, serious, chilling, frightening, romantic and at times abysmal words.
And of course, the obligatory song for the post today is - drum roll please! - Mine Again by Black Lab
Each book I have read, I have formed an attachment with. The characters are like people I have known or currently know, bringing a realistic feel to the story. However, not all books are as deep and capturing as others. Some are just too long, too descriptive and have no soul to them.
I have been on a book reading buzz lately. Having a lot of spare time, I decided to work my way through some of the unread books I have on my shelves. I started reading one the other night, and finished it within two nights of staying awake till 4 am. Although staying awake late comes naturally to me, having a companion in the form of a book, makes the sleeplessness worth it.
Upon finishing my previous book, I remember waking up and feeling so different. It's something I have often felt after reading a really good book. It almost put me in a daze, and a sort of sadness that it came to an end. You know you're reading a great book when you dread turning to the final chapter, and I completely dreaded it.
In fact, a book I bought last summer from one of the "Best-seller" lists at Waterstones saw me do something I've never done before. I actually didn't read the last chapter at all. The whole book was far too amazing to finish, or to have an end to - especially when the ending wasn't what I wanted to read and accept. Okay, some of you may think I'm neurotic and pretty sad, but hey, reading books is like drifting off into another world - not to be mistaken with "escaping reality". As long as you know where to land your feet after you close the book, it's all okay.
There have been some stories that I have read, which have made me feel like "Wow, this person is actually writing exactly what I have been through/am going through/have witnessed through someone else" - it's a strange feeling when you read things like that, because it makes you feel a little less "abnormal" for feeling/doing those things you did then - and puts things into perspective. Although having said that, I don't need a book or a movie to tell me things I don't already know - before anyone comments on that.
So bloggies, pick up a good book and start turning those lovely pages filled with funny, tragic, serious, chilling, frightening, romantic and at times abysmal words.
And of course, the obligatory song for the post today is - drum roll please! - Mine Again by Black Lab
Friday, January 07, 2011
For You Now
.. Because sometimes all you need is a good soundtrack to your day.
(Not to be confused with the annoying "Bruno Mars")
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
Coffee
There are certain smells that always take me back to a certain time, place and person. This morning, I decided to make coffee, after almost 2 months of going cold turkey. The smell of fresh coffee filtering through the machine made me feel so nostalgic. It's not just the strong smell of the rich, bitter, strong and almost wood-like aromatic coffee that brings back "coffee memories", but the sounds as well.
Maybe it's just me, but I like to take in everything about my surroundings. It makes moments like making coffee - pleasant, and that's due to the "attachments" I have to it.
As most of you know, I had a crazy addiction to coffee - drinking it before I slept, and having it as soon as I woke up, with about 6 other cups in the day. Weaning off it was probably one of the most hardest things I've ever done. I used to taste it even when I wasn't drinking it!
I think coffee to me, was not one of those drinks that just gave me a caffeine buzz at the start of my day (the caffeine "buzz" used to last all of 3 minutes, and would not affect me thereafter), but it was something that was part of a relationship with many people I've met. It was always "let's meet for coffee?" Bonding over coffee is amazing; you never know where the conversation can trail off to, and by the time you've realised, three hours have gone by, you've talked, laughed and possibly had another cup of coffee, by which point you want to pee badly.
I think you start recognising those who are close to you when they begin to make your coffee for you, and get it perfect every time, or vice versa. So, fellow blog readers - make sure you marry/date those who know how you take your coffee - otherwise, they're useless.
When I talk about coffee, I don't mean those fancy things they have nowadays - you know, caramel macchiato, clover infused coffee, coffee with vanilla, coffee with this, that - tiramisu, gingerbread, peppermint! The list goes on - I mean, simple, dark roasted coffee - filtered, black or with little milk, no sugar - from anywhere in the world. I'm not a coffee snob or anything, I can have coffee anywhere, as long as it's good. A small biscotti on the side never hurts, and just company of some very good friends. That's what coffee is. None of that "decaf" crap, or added syrup or fancy name for coffee + milk. Coffee, my fellow readers, is an experience. And each experience is different.
Take time to enjoy your coffee today!
Maybe it's just me, but I like to take in everything about my surroundings. It makes moments like making coffee - pleasant, and that's due to the "attachments" I have to it.
As most of you know, I had a crazy addiction to coffee - drinking it before I slept, and having it as soon as I woke up, with about 6 other cups in the day. Weaning off it was probably one of the most hardest things I've ever done. I used to taste it even when I wasn't drinking it!
I think coffee to me, was not one of those drinks that just gave me a caffeine buzz at the start of my day (the caffeine "buzz" used to last all of 3 minutes, and would not affect me thereafter), but it was something that was part of a relationship with many people I've met. It was always "let's meet for coffee?" Bonding over coffee is amazing; you never know where the conversation can trail off to, and by the time you've realised, three hours have gone by, you've talked, laughed and possibly had another cup of coffee, by which point you want to pee badly.
I think you start recognising those who are close to you when they begin to make your coffee for you, and get it perfect every time, or vice versa. So, fellow blog readers - make sure you marry/date those who know how you take your coffee - otherwise, they're useless.
When I talk about coffee, I don't mean those fancy things they have nowadays - you know, caramel macchiato, clover infused coffee, coffee with vanilla, coffee with this, that - tiramisu, gingerbread, peppermint! The list goes on - I mean, simple, dark roasted coffee - filtered, black or with little milk, no sugar - from anywhere in the world. I'm not a coffee snob or anything, I can have coffee anywhere, as long as it's good. A small biscotti on the side never hurts, and just company of some very good friends. That's what coffee is. None of that "decaf" crap, or added syrup or fancy name for coffee + milk. Coffee, my fellow readers, is an experience. And each experience is different.
Take time to enjoy your coffee today!
Monday, January 03, 2011
Liberty
"We met as two total strangers
As many lovers often do
But who could have ever seen the danger
I didn't know I'd fall in love with you
As many lovers often do
But who could have ever seen the danger
I didn't know I'd fall in love with you
Do you ever think you'd rather be with me instead
Or do you only think about me when it rains.."
Or do you only think about me when it rains.."
Do you ever find yourself thinking of things, something that meant a lot to you? And wonder, what could have been had things been different? Sort of in that place right now.
I seem to find solace in music a lot more now. Sometimes I think lyrics say everything you want to say, but don't know who to say to. I have too many attachments to many different songs, and there are moments where I will listen to that one song on repeat for days, or until a specific phase is over. When I listen to it again later on, I always find that I end up having the same emotions/cues to those memories again. I think music is really powerful.
The good thing about having a blog is that you can blab on and on, and not really tell the people who are reading what you're trying to say. You can be as vague or open as you like, yet somehow they'll never really know what you're trying to get at.
I think this song pretty much sums up a lot of things. Listen to it. It's beautiful.
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