Plummet

I notice how the tones of my posts are changing over the last few weeks. Yes, it is definitely a reflection of deeper thoughts, harder times and different emotions.

I have found that I confuse myself a lot lately. I can somehow always give sound and logical advice to those around me, but when it comes down to myself I manage to do the complete opposite. That is, I seem to never follow the advice I give to others for myself. I have these crazy battles within my head of what to do next, all the time. It's like sometimes I'm many people in a fish market in there (I hope they're at least buying good fish).

I'm the type of person who never really tells anyone when I'm going through something, unless that person is very very close to me - even then, I seem to tell them later on when I've calmed down. I've become very accustomed to dealing with my emotions and problems myself for a very long time now, and I guess I often mistake asking for help as a sign of weakness, almost. Or not. I think I'm afraid of hurting others around me as well, that maybe they'll start worrying about my issues. Plus it's also a psychological thing - if you think you're unhappy, then you will be unhappy, make others around you unhappy and create a great big unhappiness spiral for yourself. I've been there already and it's not pretty. Yeah, I have a few odd hours of negative emotions, but I somehow manage to pick myself up by the end of the day. I guess my logic takes over at some point (hallelujah!).

I mean I understand that whatever my "problems" are, aren't necessarily as bad as other things people are growing through across the world. That is something that usually brings me back down (to earth) and appreciate what I have whilst lifting the focus away from the various hardships I may be facing. However, sometimes those things don't make a difference. Yes others may be suffering, but what I'm going through is big for me. I wish I could do help others, but I can't. The only person I can help is me, and if sometimes wallowing or feeling gloomy helps me, then so be it. I guess what I'm trying to say (in a roundabout way) is that, I know there are billions out there worse off than me, and I acknowledge that everyday in my own way.. But that doesn't mean that I should just fluff my issues - no matter how big or small they may seem to another person - off, acting like they mean nothing. Perhaps its a way of dealing with it at times, because I know I often feel different once I think about others. In fact, I feel guilty sometimes, when I feel unhappy or let down by circumstances, knowing that I still have so much to appreciate (not to say that I don't otherwise). Ah c'est la vie, non?

But I guess in the end, we all want someone to catch us when we're falling sometimes.. Or at least throw a rope.

In the interest of falling - here's a great song.