Emotions

They are strange.

There are things I will have such strong emotions about - like when I think about something that means a lot to me, or a memory that is very close to me. I will often cry, laugh or just pleasantly smile to myself.. And those things usually happen when I'm alone, walking somewhere, on a train with my iPod tucked into my ears, or reading my book in the early hours of the morning. I feel strange showing strong emotions to people around me, I guess I'm used to being very independent with how I feel, and dealing with it myself.

Lately, I find myself telling people the truth about what I'm going through, or feeling. Albeit only a couple of people know these things. I find myself letting out emotions that I would otherwise close off, or just stick in the corner of my mind and eventually let it drive me crazy (yes, I did Psychology and I should know better). But I guess it's the way I've accustomed myself to deal with various situations. I think the biggest issue I've had is allowing others to see a weaker side of me, or even showing any side of me at all. Yes it probably does track back to having several trust issues. I'd like to think I've come out of that massive web of emotions, and I am more settled and understanding of who I am and aspects of my personality.

The reason why I've been thinking about all these things lately is down to the fact that I have had to several personality-based questionnaires and tests online for various jobs - you know the whole "What would you do in this situation" with several options to choose from. I guess a lot of things are put into perspective whilst carrying out these tests, who knew?

There is a side of me that I think has always stayed the same. There are certain memories of mine which I will never come to share with others. They make up parts of my personality, my thoughts and the way I live my life. And perhaps if I did share those, people would understand me better. But I think, we're the type of individuals who often over-use and over-talk about certain events so much that they eventually lose all meaning. You start almost feeling nauseous every time you hear that persons name.

I find myself amused with how I react to a lot of things. Death doesn't make me sad any more. When somebody I know and love passes away, I find myself mourning for 5 minutes at best. The rest of the time I like thinking of them in a positive way, and just thinking of memories with them. Eventually I realise that I didn't cry or depress myself in the corner like most would. Am I turning cold? Or does nothing surprise me? That's such a sad thought! It's like I have no more faith left in the human race or something. Tsk.

The other day, I was watching an episode of one of my favourite shows, Brothers and Sisters. It was a really emotional and upsetting episode, and I had no problem bawling for ages whilst watching it. Same with songs, I feel extremely strong emotions with different songs all the time without difficulty.

A song to end all misery of this post.