One day

Sometimes things just happen, and we're left to deal. More often than not, we don't really know how or where it comes from. We try to trace our steps back, but for some reason it never really makes any sense.. So what do you do? You just keep waiting, because you know that one day.. Somehow, you'll understand.

For far too long, a lot of things have happened which have been hard for me to understand. Some of the times I found myself far too lucky, and tried not to *screw up*. At others, I just wondered whether I was prone to bad times, or whether it was just something I had to go through, for a purpose. But there always came a place I stood in, which made me wonder whether any of what I truely went through changed me in anyway.. Or if it was just to purely torture me.. For no apparent reason. That's the way I've been seeing things as of late.

Sometimes it actually gets hard to breathe in your own skin.. And I've heard people always say that, though I never really understood it. It feels like you need to get out of yourself somehow, just so you can stop feeling those horrible things you feel. It's like you want to tear yourself apart just so you have something else to concentrate on for a few short moments.. And you just yearn for some human touch, not just any.. The kind that makes you feel alive again, and worthwhile, just so you stop feeling like pulling your hair apart, and holding on to your bedsheets with such strength, that they tear.

But then.. A new day comes along, and you feel different. You feel like maybe that's the day you'll do something you'll be happy with. Maybe it'll be that day you'll finally feel alive and like yourself. But those days pass too.. And you're just left wandering in between.. Trying to find a place where you can feel sane again.

I've spent a lot of time with myself over the past couple of months.. I've tried to get to know myself, so that I could be able to perhaps understand the deeper side of my being, if such a thing existed. I got to a point where even I got fed up with what I was doing and thinking. I can't really imagine what others must feel like.

Here's a quote that's been lingering in my head for the day.. It's from the movie, The Holiday.

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.