To, My Daddy..

In Loving Memory Of..

It's been five years.. Since my dad passed away. It seems like just yesterday he was around, pinching me whilst I held on to his big index finger and crossed the roads.

These past five years have been a constant test for me.. I think I've been through more than people go through by their thirties.. It's been half a decade since I saw him last, smiling at me from his window as he drove away and left that smile with me forever.

Each year that passes without him, I see how we all grow. I see how much we change, and how much stronger we all become. It's like he left so much behind, yet everything we knew of was taken away in just a second. He was, and still remains to be the biggest part of my world.

This year, it's been particularly difficult to move past a lot of things.. There were moments, like the last year of my A-levels, which made me yearn for him to be with me. He was there for both my sisters when they ended their A-levels and went on to university.. It feels rather empty going through such things without him.. But I know, he'll be forever looking down upon me.. I think that's the thought that gets me through the day more than anything.

I don't think I've ever lived through a day in the past 5 years where I've not thought or spoken of my dad.. Words can never describe what he meant to me. He was like this angel who came to me for a short while, but left me to guide myself through the rest of my life. There have been times where I have wondered why me? Why take something I need and want everyday of my life, from me? Why make me feel so freaking confused at every step of the way.. and make me drown myself in such dark places, where there's only bleakness? There are so many unanswered questions.. But then I look at the picture of my dad. I look at how glorious he was. I look at how much pain there was in his eyes from all those years, and I see the smile he gives despite it all.. And I know, that no matter how hard times got, he always found a way to make it all alright. He never, not once gave up. I've never heard of a time where he gave up.. He always fought, through his life, for his dreams and for us, his family. He never knew what giving up meant. He'd never brood or moan and groan around, he'd just be.. And he'd make everyday so special. He'd make it so worthwhile.. Just by being in it.

This past year I've learnt so much about him. I've learnt things I never knew of.. And I've learnt how much of an extraordinary man he was. It's no wonder he was taken away from this.. This abyss. I heard of stories from when he was a child, to a teenager, to being a brother and a husband and then a father and also a best friend. In all the roles he played, he did a brilliant job.. Because till date, I have not heard a single bad word about that man.. Because he never knew of the bad. He was just.. undescribable.

Even though it's been five whole years.. There's still so much more I am yet to learn about him. There's still so much more about him that cannot be said in just five years. He lived a full life.. And embraced every moment with such beauty and such grace. He was.. An Angel.

There have been times, even very recently.. Where all I wanted was for his hand to stroke my head.. Or to just give me a tight hug whilst I felt the warmth of his body against me, comforting me. There have been times that it gets so painful to just breathe through an hour of the day.. that it actually physically kills you piece by piece.

But then there are those days, which is almost everyday.. That I think about what he did in his life, that made him so special. He never ever let anything hurt me. He always protected me so much.. That he was actually afraid of me growing up. He was always there when we needed him..

One memory that's always so fresh is from when we were in Jeddah. We all disliked the place very much, but towards the more settled part of our stay there, nothing mattered.. As long as we were together. He had this habbit.. After every Friday afternoon prayer, he'd come home from the mosque with a bag of goodies for us. He'd come home with the strangest of drinks, the newest and yummiest of sweets for us and himself.. And we'd spend the rest of the afternoon doing all sorts. Mostly, he'd sit around for a while, then sleep.. Or fix something new, or take us out shopping. Evenings were spent in watering the garden, whilst cookie ran around catching lizards and weird creepy crawlies.. I'd give anything to just witness that feeling of wholeness again.

Words can never describe what I felt for my dad. Each day that passes, my thoughts and feelings about him evolve. Even though it still hurts as much as it did before, I think I understand now.. That I should be celebrating his life with every step.. And to learn from his life.

My only wish is that I embrace my life the way he did.. And never give up.. Afterall, I am his daughter.

You've been gone for so long Dad.. Yet it feels like you never left as well. You're always here with me, and whenever I need you.. I know you're listening.

This is for you.
From,
Your little "Boom Boom"