It seems the theme of this year is to hold on.. Holding on to yourself, your hopes and dreams.. Holding on to the torture and pain, just so you have something that's acknowledging you.. Even if it's brutal. And just.. Holding on, to fighting what you want and know you can have, if you just push a little extra and almost lose yourself.
In all my life I've never felt anything remotely stable. I've always moved around, gypsied from house to house, country to country.. But there was always this comfort, because wherever I went, my family was with me. Wherever we went, they made it possible to make a home, just by being there. Gosh, it's been forever since I've felt the feeling of being "home"..
To me, it's not a place where you have the fanciest of things or the most comfiest of settings. It's a place where, as you walk in, wherever it may be.. You feel "This is where I belong". You can feel that in the arms of the one you love, or in a shed of your backgarden.. It can be anywhere, with anyone. And it always makes you feel most alive, and most comfortable and most.. At peace, whenever you're there. Is it wrong to yearn for such a feeling?
I've had strong faith over the past few months that, whatever we go through, anything bad or deathening, there's always something good at the end of it. Call me cynical, but I think that's a bunch of bogus. Too long now, I've waited for that "something good".. And well, I look back to yesterday, a week ago, a month and even 6 months ago.. And I find myself feeling the same, if not more lost and confused. So how exactly does the whole equation equal to "something good in the end"?? As far as I can see.. There's only bleakness. And beyond that bleakness? Possibly smog.
Over the past few months I think I've grown up quite a lot. People around me possibly fail to see it, or maybe don't want to accept it.. But I for one am pretty sure I have, at least I'm still in the process of it. I've accepted things I never wanted to, and moved on from situations faster than you can snap your fingers! Whatever those situations may be.. I've left all my romantic ideals, and unrealistic thoughts where they belong.. They faded with that childish person. The one who was so sure there was unicorns beyond this world, and everything was based on this false hope, and expectations. I based everything upon my artificial ideals, that stated anything was possible if I stayed in my little dream world. Well, soon I had to break open that dream world and step into the world where cockroaches don't become pretty white doves who sing songs of sappyness. No, cockroaches pretty much crawl all over you, fly into your shirt and if they could, crawl out of your ears.
I've not planned for something in a very long time. Everyone keeps asking me, "Sanaa! You finished your A-levels where are you going to go for the summer? What will you do?" And my answer has been the same for months.. "I don't know." Because I simply do not. I don't make plans anymore, just from keeping myself from being disappointed. Lord knows, I've felt that more than I haven't. I have now followed my own advice about living for the day, in the day. However empty the day may seem..
For now, I'll leave you with the lyrics from "Storm", one of Lifehouse's songs.
How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head
If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I happen to see you
This darkness would turn to light
And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right
I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface
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