Ahem

Okay, so we all remember Justin Timberlake as the curly-haired-girlie-high-pitched-voiced person from the pop-band N'Sync.. And well, over the past few years, the guy has become quite famous on his own and although his music isn't something I particularly listen to, or enjoy.. He has become quite good looking!!

Don't you think?!

Remember tonight.. For it is the beginning of always

For a while now, I've been considering to use this title as part of a post.. But somehow it just never fit, with the kinds of events that were taking place. Until now.

So, I got my A-Level results a few days ago, and to my massive surprise I found that I did particularly well. I'm really happy with my results, and so glad that, the waiting for that part is over. Those two months were longer than any months I've ever had! The moment leading upto me opening the white envelope was one that I don't think I can ever forget - the feelings of absolute uncertainty, anxiousness, overthinking thoughts and just immense anticipation, was one that I believe is hard to let go of, even after the relief.

Every step I took towards the doors of my college I felt my heart beat right through my body. And yes, that *is* one of the most nerve-wrecking moments in a student's life. Well, most anyway.

I now know what my future for the next three years is.. After such a long time, I have something set in stone. And that is, that I am going to be a student at "Royal Holloway: University of London". =)

Dear Miss Vohra

Congratulations; Royal Holloway, University of London has asked us to tell you that it is offering you a place for Psychology, C800; starting in September 2007 at point of entry 1.

I was thinking to myself, how would it have been if my dad was around today. He would've probably thrown the most exquisite party, would've bought me the most strangest, useful and expensive gifts and would've spoilt me silly. He would sit me down and tell me.. "right, now you have to do this". Thankfully I have such people in my life who can guide me.

I did this all by myself. All the tears I cried for this day, all the hopes I had, all the dreams that were destroyed.. The instability, the months where I thought that this was it - I was doomed for darkness.. And god, this list just goes on. After all of that, having gotten through the two most toughest years I've ever experienced so far, and coming out with flying colours - is something to be proud and happy about. I for one know, my mum is so very happy. And my dad - well I'm pretty sure he's having a feast up there.

This is it - wow, I've wanted to say those words for so long. Too long have I waited to feel this.. happiness and this, gladness. So, Here begins my new journey. Here begins the day I was waiting for, for all these years. Here begins the beginning of always.

This one, is for you - mum and dad.

Perhaps a smile like this.. Is what I think.

Notes of a Strange Nature

*Opens up skull.. Looks inside to see floating brain, and begins to speak..*

- I've found the perfect "good-bye" speech. As in, if someone's leaving you, and you want to wish them well, or whatever it is. Courtesy of Whitney Houston's all time classic, "I will always love you". The lyrics:

I hope, life treats you kind,
and I hope, you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you joy, and happiness
But above all this, I wish you, love.

For some reason, it makes me get really teary.. But it's also something that I'm likely to say, without knowing these lyrics. So it fits well.

- Two weeks today, will be the day that will dictate a large and extremely vital part of my life: A-Level Results. It will be the day, I can finally put my endless questions, issues and everything in between to rest. I will finally know what I'm going to be doing, and a much awaited, new phase of my life will start. And believe you me, I will greet it with the massivest smile and the hugest open arms ever. It will be more than welcome, no matter which way it chooses to go. I'm desperately awaiting it, is what I know.

- Cookie and Frosty have been officially labelled - The Big Boys ©. They are, quite the biggies. Fluffy, stocky and ahem.. Chubby. Absolutely perfect. And they chase away all other cats that they don't like. However, they'd invite in a robber into our house, as long as the robber gave them love. Tsk

- "Hope" is a useless word, and feeling.. Or, whatever it is.. At least in relation to myself.

- Living half the globe away, can sometimes be hard.

- Sometimes you need to put your issues aside in order to save something you know you want. No matter how ugly it gets.

- I love Family Guy.

And to end the post.. Here is a quote from, Stewie Griffin, from Family Guy. [And for the record, women are always difficult!]

And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult.

Someday..

Some day, when I'm awfully low,
When the world is cold,
I will feel the glow just thinking of you..

It's a strange thing.. Missing someone, isn't it? You think about all the great times you had with that person, and wonder how much longer you'll have to wait till you can make more memories. It's like a part of you goes missing, until you see them once again.. And it feels like torture, when in actual fact it's somehow bringing the two of you closer.. It's strange.

But you somehow, always manage to just get used to it.. And then, it becomes something that doesn't really bother you so much, until you actually begin to notice it yourself in those odd moments.

Been vague enough for the day?

Faith

It's quite an unfortunate thing, when one loses faith. Faith in themselves, their surroundings, going on to another day, and losing faith otherwise as well.

We always hope for things.. Always wish for something or another to work out, to take on the path we want it to take for our own happiness. Ofcourse, it's selfish. But at times, no matter how hard you hope for something, it just keeps walking by you, without stopping to take you on board. Now that, is just painful.

Through certain situations in my life.. I've always had faith that one day the pain I was put through, would come to use. Would mean something bigger than I felt it to be.. That I'd be faced with a brighter day, without any tears. There were, ofcourse, times when those days came along. The kind that make your soul feel so alive, so extremely unburdened and free. It gives you this incredible feeling of soaring through the clouds, and feeling this sense of absolute peace, love and serenity. Lord knows, I need to feel like that right now. It's been too long..

Through other moments of your life, you spend being there for people you love and care for. Be it in massive doses or even light doses.. You try and make a difference by being there for them, either to stop their tears, or to give them the strenght to face the difficult hours that lay ahead of them. Whatever it may be, you always try. I know I have.. It's just undescribably torturous when you begin to feel like you're the only one always there.. And yet, not having that person there for you, when you need them the most.. Other things, that needn't be dealt with at the time, become more of a priority, than the excruciating pain you feel inside.

Whether you're a believer or not, you seek for something better almost always. Whether you choose to do it by prayers, meditation or through a more personal way, it's upto you. You pray for all those things to somehow come and fix your broken self.. And somewhere along the line, you begin to believe that maybe this is your road to salvation. Maybe this is where all the pieces of your broken soul will come to heal.. But what happens instead? Those pieces are tormented some more, broken into smaller shreds that eventually begin to fade away, and then die. But yet somehow, you always come back to this very faith. You come back to it, hoping that maybe this time it'll somehow calm you down, and help you retrieve your old self. But what happens next? You're shredded once again.. To a point where, defining yourself becomes so difficult. And so unbelievably impossible.. And then you're just left standing, with pieces of your soul right infront of your eyes.. And all you can do is sit and wonder, where you went wrong.

You start doubting yourself, and how you could've stopped something from happening, or done it differently altogether. You start noticing where you went wrong, even though you really haven't.. You just try and find reasons for yourself, so that it seems justifyable enough to blame yourself.. Just so you can slowly start decomposing. But then, a day comes when you realise that, no.. You are bigger than all of this.. You are bigger than the pain that person put you through. You start realising that they are at fault, because their lives somehow got more full along the way, and you just become smaller, and smaller day by day.. to the point where you feel like a stranger in the crowd.

Over the past couple of months, I've heard people tell me that I've hurt them in some way or another.. Words like that, can not only kill you inside.. but also make you feel like the smallest creature on earth. You sit and trace back your steps.. You wonder, how it's even possible that something like that could've happened by you.. Because just a few days before, everything was alright. Everyone was okay.. But yet again, it's a test of faith. To see how much faith you have in yourself, your actions and words. To see how much faith you have in conquering such an obstacle.

As of lately I've become the result of what happens to something when it begins to decay - Faith, hope, love, trust, all those words.

You jump.. I jump, Jack!

The past week has been quite tolerable compared to the rest of the year so far.. Which is new to me. I had plenty of interesting moments with Ayisha, and myself actually.. Again, a suprise to me. And, I got over my fears of planes (well, sort of.)

I went Gliding on Sunday.. And it was brilliant. Although it's technically not an aeroplane, which makes it even scarier, it was so much fun. Up in the air, 2,500 feet above the ground.. And circling just beneath the clouds was a sense of peace. It was gorgeous. It was brilliant because I got to control the glider for about 10 - 15 minutes myself.. And at first it was a bit nerve-wrecking, just for a minute.. but then it just all seemed so fantastic! Martin, my instructor, taught me how to straighten the glider, how to get it down to a certain level highness, how to make sure the nose stays straight and not too high or low (both ways - extreme pressure to the head, that inevitably lead to a disgusting migraine!). But it was a great experience. Next on the list: Bungee Jumping or Sky diving!

Today is Friday the 13th.. Need I say anymore. I've already ranted about this before. And it still stays the same! Apart from the fact that I'd find myself lucky to see a headless horseman ride through the streets of crummy old Forest Gate at 11.59PM tonight. I mean come on, how often do you get to see a "headless" horseman eh?

In other things:

1 - Stop asking me if I'm "okay" or not.. Just because my posts have been rather sombre.

2 - Women tend to blame men for all of their issues. I don't understand why, because well.. More often than not, it's the women who cause the issues! Unless the man is one to cheat, I think all of the problems start with the women. They have this thing in them, which just makes them say and do stupid things.. Also known as, Hormones. Even without them, women are just problem-creators, and have generally nothing better to do than to blame men for everything. Tsk. How sad it must be for men, to sit and listen to women go on and on about absolute crap. As you can tell, I'm not a fan of the female specie.

3 - I'm all variations of what boredom does to someone. Make sense of that.

4 - If someone does not want to go somewhere, and socialise with people, do not force them. It is irritating, and absolutely blood-boilingly unnecessary. Instead, just let them be, and if they want to come along, they will. Because, all family gatherings are usually boring, pointless and artificial. Stay home, and stare at the wall.. At least you'll have a better conversation.. Or laugh.

5 - The year of 2007 is the worst year to have ever been witnessed by many. Eugh.

6 - "Give me a reason to believe".. Is one of the most cleverest things someone out there has said!

7 - I need to go somewhere.

And that's about it for now.

Abyss

a - byss
- noun

1. a deep, immeasurable space, gulf, or cavity; vast chasm.
2. anything unfathomable, or infinite
3. the infernal regions; hell.

.. In other words, look around yourself and you'll see it.

To, My Daddy..

In Loving Memory Of..

It's been five years.. Since my dad passed away. It seems like just yesterday he was around, pinching me whilst I held on to his big index finger and crossed the roads.

These past five years have been a constant test for me.. I think I've been through more than people go through by their thirties.. It's been half a decade since I saw him last, smiling at me from his window as he drove away and left that smile with me forever.

Each year that passes without him, I see how we all grow. I see how much we change, and how much stronger we all become. It's like he left so much behind, yet everything we knew of was taken away in just a second. He was, and still remains to be the biggest part of my world.

This year, it's been particularly difficult to move past a lot of things.. There were moments, like the last year of my A-levels, which made me yearn for him to be with me. He was there for both my sisters when they ended their A-levels and went on to university.. It feels rather empty going through such things without him.. But I know, he'll be forever looking down upon me.. I think that's the thought that gets me through the day more than anything.

I don't think I've ever lived through a day in the past 5 years where I've not thought or spoken of my dad.. Words can never describe what he meant to me. He was like this angel who came to me for a short while, but left me to guide myself through the rest of my life. There have been times where I have wondered why me? Why take something I need and want everyday of my life, from me? Why make me feel so freaking confused at every step of the way.. and make me drown myself in such dark places, where there's only bleakness? There are so many unanswered questions.. But then I look at the picture of my dad. I look at how glorious he was. I look at how much pain there was in his eyes from all those years, and I see the smile he gives despite it all.. And I know, that no matter how hard times got, he always found a way to make it all alright. He never, not once gave up. I've never heard of a time where he gave up.. He always fought, through his life, for his dreams and for us, his family. He never knew what giving up meant. He'd never brood or moan and groan around, he'd just be.. And he'd make everyday so special. He'd make it so worthwhile.. Just by being in it.

This past year I've learnt so much about him. I've learnt things I never knew of.. And I've learnt how much of an extraordinary man he was. It's no wonder he was taken away from this.. This abyss. I heard of stories from when he was a child, to a teenager, to being a brother and a husband and then a father and also a best friend. In all the roles he played, he did a brilliant job.. Because till date, I have not heard a single bad word about that man.. Because he never knew of the bad. He was just.. undescribable.

Even though it's been five whole years.. There's still so much more I am yet to learn about him. There's still so much more about him that cannot be said in just five years. He lived a full life.. And embraced every moment with such beauty and such grace. He was.. An Angel.

There have been times, even very recently.. Where all I wanted was for his hand to stroke my head.. Or to just give me a tight hug whilst I felt the warmth of his body against me, comforting me. There have been times that it gets so painful to just breathe through an hour of the day.. that it actually physically kills you piece by piece.

But then there are those days, which is almost everyday.. That I think about what he did in his life, that made him so special. He never ever let anything hurt me. He always protected me so much.. That he was actually afraid of me growing up. He was always there when we needed him..

One memory that's always so fresh is from when we were in Jeddah. We all disliked the place very much, but towards the more settled part of our stay there, nothing mattered.. As long as we were together. He had this habbit.. After every Friday afternoon prayer, he'd come home from the mosque with a bag of goodies for us. He'd come home with the strangest of drinks, the newest and yummiest of sweets for us and himself.. And we'd spend the rest of the afternoon doing all sorts. Mostly, he'd sit around for a while, then sleep.. Or fix something new, or take us out shopping. Evenings were spent in watering the garden, whilst cookie ran around catching lizards and weird creepy crawlies.. I'd give anything to just witness that feeling of wholeness again.

Words can never describe what I felt for my dad. Each day that passes, my thoughts and feelings about him evolve. Even though it still hurts as much as it did before, I think I understand now.. That I should be celebrating his life with every step.. And to learn from his life.

My only wish is that I embrace my life the way he did.. And never give up.. Afterall, I am his daughter.

You've been gone for so long Dad.. Yet it feels like you never left as well. You're always here with me, and whenever I need you.. I know you're listening.

This is for you.
From,
Your little "Boom Boom"

In the deep-end

.."So I'm holding on"

It seems the theme of this year is to hold on.. Holding on to yourself, your hopes and dreams.. Holding on to the torture and pain, just so you have something that's acknowledging you.. Even if it's brutal. And just.. Holding on, to fighting what you want and know you can have, if you just push a little extra and almost lose yourself.

In all my life I've never felt anything remotely stable. I've always moved around, gypsied from house to house, country to country.. But there was always this comfort, because wherever I went, my family was with me. Wherever we went, they made it possible to make a home, just by being there. Gosh, it's been forever since I've felt the feeling of being "home"..

To me, it's not a place where you have the fanciest of things or the most comfiest of settings. It's a place where, as you walk in, wherever it may be.. You feel "This is where I belong". You can feel that in the arms of the one you love, or in a shed of your backgarden.. It can be anywhere, with anyone. And it always makes you feel most alive, and most comfortable and most.. At peace, whenever you're there. Is it wrong to yearn for such a feeling?

I've had strong faith over the past few months that, whatever we go through, anything bad or deathening, there's always something good at the end of it. Call me cynical, but I think that's a bunch of bogus. Too long now, I've waited for that "something good".. And well, I look back to yesterday, a week ago, a month and even 6 months ago.. And I find myself feeling the same, if not more lost and confused. So how exactly does the whole equation equal to "something good in the end"?? As far as I can see.. There's only bleakness. And beyond that bleakness? Possibly smog.

Over the past few months I think I've grown up quite a lot. People around me possibly fail to see it, or maybe don't want to accept it.. But I for one am pretty sure I have, at least I'm still in the process of it. I've accepted things I never wanted to, and moved on from situations faster than you can snap your fingers! Whatever those situations may be.. I've left all my romantic ideals, and unrealistic thoughts where they belong.. They faded with that childish person. The one who was so sure there was unicorns beyond this world, and everything was based on this false hope, and expectations. I based everything upon my artificial ideals, that stated anything was possible if I stayed in my little dream world. Well, soon I had to break open that dream world and step into the world where cockroaches don't become pretty white doves who sing songs of sappyness. No, cockroaches pretty much crawl all over you, fly into your shirt and if they could, crawl out of your ears.

I've not planned for something in a very long time. Everyone keeps asking me, "Sanaa! You finished your A-levels where are you going to go for the summer? What will you do?" And my answer has been the same for months.. "I don't know." Because I simply do not. I don't make plans anymore, just from keeping myself from being disappointed. Lord knows, I've felt that more than I haven't. I have now followed my own advice about living for the day, in the day. However empty the day may seem..

For now, I'll leave you with the lyrics from "Storm", one of Lifehouse's songs.

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I happen to see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface

One day

Sometimes things just happen, and we're left to deal. More often than not, we don't really know how or where it comes from. We try to trace our steps back, but for some reason it never really makes any sense.. So what do you do? You just keep waiting, because you know that one day.. Somehow, you'll understand.

For far too long, a lot of things have happened which have been hard for me to understand. Some of the times I found myself far too lucky, and tried not to *screw up*. At others, I just wondered whether I was prone to bad times, or whether it was just something I had to go through, for a purpose. But there always came a place I stood in, which made me wonder whether any of what I truely went through changed me in anyway.. Or if it was just to purely torture me.. For no apparent reason. That's the way I've been seeing things as of late.

Sometimes it actually gets hard to breathe in your own skin.. And I've heard people always say that, though I never really understood it. It feels like you need to get out of yourself somehow, just so you can stop feeling those horrible things you feel. It's like you want to tear yourself apart just so you have something else to concentrate on for a few short moments.. And you just yearn for some human touch, not just any.. The kind that makes you feel alive again, and worthwhile, just so you stop feeling like pulling your hair apart, and holding on to your bedsheets with such strength, that they tear.

But then.. A new day comes along, and you feel different. You feel like maybe that's the day you'll do something you'll be happy with. Maybe it'll be that day you'll finally feel alive and like yourself. But those days pass too.. And you're just left wandering in between.. Trying to find a place where you can feel sane again.

I've spent a lot of time with myself over the past couple of months.. I've tried to get to know myself, so that I could be able to perhaps understand the deeper side of my being, if such a thing existed. I got to a point where even I got fed up with what I was doing and thinking. I can't really imagine what others must feel like.

Here's a quote that's been lingering in my head for the day.. It's from the movie, The Holiday.

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

BRB!

Ever just sat there staring at the screen whilst a friend or an acquaintance of yours went on typing and typing in the chat window? And you just felt so incredibly bored that you find the cracks on your wall more interesting than them? Yeah.. Happens to me on a daily basis with a lot of people.

A classic example:

Me: Hmm..
Person: i knwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dats wht i thot 2.. bt i cdnt be bovrd to say nething. i mean how hrd is it to to tell sum1 u luv dem?
Me: yeah.. (Completely unamused)
Person: so i tld her dat she needz to srsly tell dat guy she got anoda man........ its unfair to da otha 1
Me: Okay..
Person: i dunno y bt i tink she is vry cunfuzd... its impslbe to be wid 2 peeps in 1 go like she duz..... imagine if tha otha findzz out.. shed be in shitz lol lol lol lol
Me: Brb
Person: Okayzzzz tell me wen ur backk..... i gta tell u loadzz mre

(2 hours later)

Person: u bak???????????
Me: (Ignores)
Person: k...... gess ur reeely bzy! neway i gta go..... tc cya
Me: (Throws party)

The above has happened to me more times than I can count. I have suddenly become this relationship/other crisis guru.. It's as though I've got all the answers, when in reality I'm struggling to find my own! I don't mind my actual friends doing it.. as I love being there for them. When random people come upto me, after a year and a bit and suddenly start talking like I know everything, it annoys me. Yes, I don't have much of a life at the moment, but just what if I was doing something important.. like picking my nose.

It's annoying when you suddenly talk to people after ages and they tell you about a problem they have but use "my friend" instead.. for example, "OH!! I was meant to ask you.. you know, one of my mates right.. well she has this horrible guy after her and, it's rather annoying since she has no idea what to do".. Now right there, that is my cue to leave. However, sometimes it's so hard for me to say "NO!" and move on.. instead, I BRB them! =D Much more effective.

If you have BRB'd by me, and I've never returned, chances are I was ignoring you! =D However, if you're one of my good friends, I've probably told you, that I have BRB'd you before if I have. And for those I haven't told - I'm afraid my friends list will go down from 5 to non-existant! Crap!

Oh the joy of three words.

The BRB-er.

Updates from my NON - exciting life.

I clobbered a wasp.

And..

I picked up minute dirt from my carpet.