Voice

Voices. They're so powerful. To me, they round up a person which helps bring out their personalities even better. I've always had a thing for voices. And when I was meeting various people for matrimonial purposes, I'd often be completely and utterly put off by them just by their voices - regardless of how they were as a person. Yes, I'm shallow. Deal with it. 

I digress though. The point I was trying to make is that a powerful voice leaves a trace in your memory. When you hear that voice again years later, it strikes something in your mind and you're automatically trying to remember the person who it belongs to. Imagine a phone call from a long lost person who you're trying to place. 

The other day, whilst clearing my room, my mum and I came across some voice tapes from my dad's things. As much as I've spoken about him, you all know that he was and remains to be one of the most mysteriously awe-inspiring people to have been in my world. These tapes just proved that again - because they were of a novel that he had been writing from years before. I came across gold guys. Pure gold. There were other recordings I came across of his voice, of him having a conversation with a man who he clearly found very incompetent (my dad disliked a lot of traits in people - and rarely liked people, so when he liked someone, you knew that person was something! One of the main traits he disliked in people was, incompetence. He could not stand it.) It was quite amusing, but mostly it was weird. It had made me realise that I actually didn't remember his voice accurately. He sounded so different. And he actually sounded more African then I remembered! It also reinforced how young I really was when he left us. But listening to his voice made me remember how sure he was of himself, and how extremely intelligent as well. He never uhm'd or ah'd - like I do!

A voice can give you so much about a person - depending on the strength, the depth and the tone, and the other day, I was telling someone that their voice was really nice - and pleasant to just hear. I stopped and thought about what I had said, and felt it may have been slightly creepy, but it honestly was not. It was a compliment, albeit a slightly odd one. But you see, that's the thing about voices. If you found a voice irritating, squeaky or boring.. Well then, do you stop talking to them? Or do you just pretend they sound like someone else? What do you do? I generally lose interest and then make up a lavish excuse about having to go. 

So, next time you're talking to someone you are intrigued by, listen to their voices. See what you can find out, and whether there's more of a mystery behind that voice, or whether you fell asleep mentally mid-conversation. 

I'm so wisdomess.

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“If you remember me, then I don't care if everyone else forgets.” 

                                                - Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the shore) 

 

“Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious.”

The trouble about having lived a life filled with moving so many times (countries, cities, houses, schools) is that.. I can't sit still. I've got that itch. The itch to move somewhere new, or to do something different with myself and my life. 

It's a wonderful thing however, that I have had the pleasure to experience - the fact that I moved so many times, made so many friends and experienced so many different cultures and places in such a short period of time. I am forever grateful for them, as I am better because of them. Gosh, can you imagine me if I stayed in Dubai forever? Or for that matter, here in London? I can think of two extremes, and I am so glad that I did not shape in to that specific type of person. 

Although, I feel like I can't stay in one place for too long, and maybe that's down to the fact that I've never had that experience before. On average I think I've moved every 2.5 years. Although my maths skills are as shady as my well.. Maths skills. 

I'm at that place again. Where I am yearning for a change in pace of life. I want to get up and go somewhere and change where I live and what I do. I feel like I've exhausted my time in the place I am at now, and I want something new and different. And no, it's not about commitment or anything like that, it's the fact that I am unable to find myself feeling at "home" yet. I can't remember the last time I felt that, and I wish to feel it again, strongly and possibly for the rest of forever.

Although for me, "Home" is a feeling. It's not an actual building, or a room - it's a comforting, warm and enclosing feeling that you can't really describe other than know that you are completely content and happy to be where you are, without changes. I feel at home in Dubai, and I feel at home with certain individuals in my life. But it's never for more than the time spent with them, as once I return back to routine, I lose that warmth quickly. 

Home is a place of belonging, isn't it? A place where you feel like yourself the most, the place where you are completely and utterly comfortable without judgement and without any negativity. It's a place of wholeness, peace and security. You know, when people say "I'm home!" with such great enthusiasm and relief after a trip abroad or something, that feeling, is what I crave for myself. It's a long lost emotion and it's something that I think I've desperately been searching for, over the years. I think that's why I feel easily detached to London and the people here when I am travelling. I miss my mum and her food and my cat, but overall I don't miss the space I am in daily. I sound really ungrateful, reading back on that - but I assure you, I am thankful to all and everything I have in my life. This is me, just trying to get to something I feel I need to surround myself with, to obtain ultimate contentment. 

Along with my wanderlust (which is progressing, very well!) and this lack of home feeling, I think I'm creating a recipe for adventure (or at least the sense of adventure). Especially since as the days pass, I am revolted by rules and opinions so much that I feel like I'm closer to taking off than I think. Who knows, in a couple of months I may just post a photo on my blog of the place I am in, without returning to this current path I am on. That would be pretty great.

It's exciting however, not knowing where my next move will be to (because clearly, with this itch, there is no way I'm not itching it. Sounds like I have fleas, but oh well). There are so many possibilities - so many ideas and so many wonderful open doors that I could step through. It's time guys, to get on with life, to find myself at home - so that I stop moving - and to feel more settled. 

Until then, enjoy this amazing song.

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“...it’s not just the person who fills a house, it’s their I’ll be back later's, their toothbrushes and unused hats and coats, their belongingnesses.”    ― David Mitchell

An appropriate quote to mark two years of my grandfather's passing.

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I am lost without you. I am soulless, a drifter without a home, a solitary bird in a flight to nowhere. I am all these things, and I am nothing at all. This, my darling, is my life without you. I long for you to show me how to live again.

- Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

All is well.. In my world.

There have been times in my life where I have felt not good enough. Not for myself, not for my friends and especially not for my family. I felt unintelligent, sad and worthless. It wasn't anyone's fault - although, if at the time you asked me why I felt like that, I'd probably blame circumstances, I'd blame God, and most of all I'd blame the people who left me feeling stranded. You see, it's easy blaming others for the mishaps in your life. I can think of a few people I know I blamed constantly for "leaving me".. I consistently blamed them for the lack of trust I had in various relationships around me. I would purposely keep information and personal thoughts to myself in fear that if I shared them with another, and that person left me - they'd take a part of me with them.. And I'd be left feeling broken all over again. Such strong words there.. You can only imagine the chaos that was my mind. 

It's natural. We all go through ups and downs with our emotions, and there are times in our lives where we feel certain negativity towards ourselves. In fact, more often than not, you spend a large part of your existence not being happy with who you are, with what you look like and how your life is going. The saddest part of this is not that you felt this way, but the length of time you felt like that for. Some people feel this way for their entire lives, and they leave this world with no love or contentment within themselves. 

As it is, psychologically speaking - your teenage and early adulthood years (along with the quarter life crisis and the mid-life crisis!) are quite complicated - removing circumstances like losing loved ones and so forth - It's such a confusing time in your life - you feel unprotected, unloved (for whatever reason, even if it's untrue), anxious, insecure and completely lost. Relationships falter because of these emotions, and that just adds to the barrel of "bad things" that keep happening to you during those years. 

However, I like to think that I've gladly changed that "emo" side of me. You see, I've become a strong believer of what you put out to the world, it will give to you wholeheartedly. If you think, for instance that you're going to do really badly in your exams - chances are, you will. You'll subconsciously make it happen. Your mind is in fact, that strong. Tell yourself you have a headache over and over, and you'll get one. That kind of thing. So if you believe you are worthless, you will be worthless. You will do things that will just fulfil your mindset time and time again and lead down that spiral more. It's only when you realise that your thought process have somehow gone wonky along the way, do you make positive changes to them. 

When I look back on the last 25 years - I see a lot of darkness. And I'm not even that old. I see tragedy, solitude, anger, unhappiness and so much frustration at the life I was leading. It's not all gone away, I'll be honest. There are still moments where I find myself caught in a web of frustrations that I can't shake off. But I also know that I am well equipped with a stronger mind and a happier self to look past those negativities now.

Life is hard. It really is. At least the one I've lead thus far - it's filled with so much nonsense that you could otherwise do without. But it's so easy to get stuck in different ruts and not know how to pull yourself out of them. Overtime you realise that your happiness doesn't lie with someone else - it is actually you (I sound way too cheesy.. There is more coming by the way). Your happiness is you, it's inside you - it's not going to come from another person. Another person will mirror it, surely, and will add to it - but the contentment and ease that comes from that happiness has to start from you. Because that will depend on how you'll react to others around you; for instance, your partner could fly to the moon and bring a piece back for you, and yet you'd still be unfulfilled (this is providing you want said piece of moon of course, let's just assume for the sake of my example, you do.) and would eventually continue being unhappy. The fact is, the core part of you that is unsettled, if undealt with - will stay the same until you do something about it.

I've realised that in order to be happy, you have to take things in to your own hands. You can't blame others, and you certainly can't just wait around for people to enter your life to make you feel happy.

Humans are odd. They're complicated and on some level, masochistic as well. There's a certain buzz you get from being sad. Yes, I know - I sound doolally. But it's true - there's this strange feeling in sadness, it's like you know that you never want to feel like that again, but once it's gone - the memory of it so easily sends you down that spiral again. And sometimes, you just want to stay in that sadness. The other day, I was talking to an acquaintance about sadness - and she told me she was feeling upset and wanted to be left on her own and just wanted to delve deeper in her sadness for a while. I laughed, understanding exactly what she meant. After a while, I just stood around thinking how utterly bizarre that was. You willingly want to be sad? You want to sit alone, think about sad things and just be.. Sad? Why do you want to do that? Clearly you have to enjoy that strange buzz on some level, right?

It's not our fault though. I mean it is, because growing up - you listen to Avril Lavigne and all these other emo bands and singers that reinforce the idea that sadness is in fact, cool. There's this whole mysteriousness in being sad that you think brings you positive attention (which it does not). Being sad, after a while gets well.. Annoying. You can have patience of a saint, but at some point you'll want to shake the person in question and scream "look around you, revel in the small happinesses you have, there's nothing monumentally wrong with you or your existence. Be grateful to the life God has given you." But alas, most of the times we shy away from being that upfront and honest. I don't understand why.

I digress, as per usual. When I was younger, I remember a lot of unsettling things from various relationships around me. I recall fights, anger, financial problems and all sorts of nasty things like that. Over the years when I was old enough to understand what those events were, I was told stories of fraud, dishonesty, heartbreak and so many other sad and deeply upsetting things to do with the people I knew and loved. These stories were filled with such negativity that it inadvertently built fear within me for various situations. I was afraid of the idea of marriage of one point, and at another - of finances. But there was always a reason to be in fear of something and sadly not a lot of positivity. Now I've talked a lot about fear on my blog over the years. And it's something I've had a strong dislike towards for as long as I know. I'm guilty of it too. But I also know that fear can easily be replaced by much nicer emotions - perhaps not love, but like at least. 

When you grow up with fearful ideas, you'll only ever know that because that's what you saw/was instilled in you. Again, there's no blame here - because you only teach what you know (and the younger, learn what they are therefore taught). And if all you know is fear and sadness, well that's what you'll pass on. One of the things that stops me from being in a state of sadness is picturing myself in the future in two ways - one, where I'm completely and unimaginably happy and beaming with well.. Happiness, and the other where I'm a bit of a slump, sad and in another dreaded situation. It's actually quite powerful. And scary. It's scary to think that the negative thoughts you build now, will only get stronger as time passes - leading you to nothing else but misery. What a frightening thought, eh?

It's simple - think good things, and good things will happen. Be passionate for the things you enjoy doing and make you happy - in fact, do them often. Be desperate for good changes and for things you want to do in your life, and they'll come to you. Have faith, and be patient and overall just take things in a light-hearted manner. I harp on about this all the time - but I think we need to be more grateful for what we have and the people we have around us (rather, we spend so much time thinking about those who have gone, that we forget to appreciate those who are still around). Don't forget to exist in the day that you're in - and don't stalk the past that much. Bask in the happiness of smaller things, and forget the materialism that has become life. And most of all - don't wish for things that other people have, be happy for them and wish them more good. You'll have your own good too.

It's easy to be upset, and it's easy to make lists of everything that is wrong with you and your life. It's harder to be happy, which is ironic - but once you feel a bit of it, you'll want to be surrounded by it, you'll want to bathe in it, savour it, revel in it and most of all, you'll never want to feel anything else again. If nothing else, do it for the future you who is high-fiving you for making an effort at being happy (self five. Self pat).

It's taken me many years to fully say this without holding back out of fear that it won't last - but.. I am happy. I want to always be happy. And I will continue to be happy. The stuff around the edges, the daily frustrations, decisions to be made in the future and so forth - none of that frightens me any more. I know it's there, and I know, in it's own time - it will make sense. 

I'm happy to report that all that sadness, negativity, sourness, bitterness, fear, heartbreak and all other such feelings are a distant memory. You've been around for far, far too long.

In the spirit of being submerged in happiness, here is a song that I'm completely in love with at the moment. 

Soul

Growing up, I never really knew my grandparents much. I knew them in the sense of who they were, where they lived and what they looked like - and would talk to them often, and receive birthday cards and the like every year. I loved them regardless though. They were sort of scary to me, like authority. And since you know me, you know I don't deal well with rules at all. 

Some of the earliest memories I have with my (paternal) grandparents was when they came to stay at our house in Abu Dhabi. I don't remember our time together much, but I do remember being this happy addition to our family for the time they were there. It felt comfortable and it felt warm. Grandad's have this air about them anyway that just screams cuddly and happy, which is exactly what he was like. 

Unfortunately one of the only vivid memories I have about my grandma is when I saw her for the last time at her funeral. In fact that's one of my most earliest childhood memories in general - and not a pleasant one either. I remember not understanding much about death and not really understanding the concept that I would not see my grandma again. I felt no emotion towards it, and only felt sad when I saw my dad and uncles in tears around her. That's quite a poignant thing to see at such a young age. There were other things about her funeral that I remember - such as the smells and sounds around me. But there are so many blanks and blurs that I'm unable to fill it in. Due to this, I've only ever really known what kind of person she was through my family. I get the feeling she was quite strict, but also terribly loving. 

As for my grandad - it's going to be two years since he passed on. I knew him the most out of all my grandparents because I spent so much time with him and lived in the same town. He was everything a grandad could have been in terms of his personality and his humour. He was a vibrant and completely carefree person. I would spend hours with him just sitting around and doing odd jobs for him - like cutting his nails, taking out his (very) old passports or giving him a head/back massage. There were then the mandatory food-runs I used to do for him, for naughty gujarati snacks (fried and spicy mostly), which he would pretty much force me to buy. By telling me I wanted them. When I didn't. He was really smart! He was a massive foodie. Like my father, he also lived to eat. Health concerns could take a toss for all he cared, because he knew he had one life, and it had to be filled with great food! 

I think, what I miss about him the most are his stories - especially about my dad and my uncles/aunt. He remembered them in their childhood so clearly and fondly - it's like he was just there a few days prior. No matter what happened to him in his life, he was never sad for too long and that was an admirable quality. Of course, as the years progressed and his health worsened, he did become grumpier and uncomfortable in general.  

A specific memory comes to mind with him.. It was a couple of months before he passed away, and my sister and I went to see him in hospital one night. He wasn't doing very well, and it was scary seeing him joined to all these strange machines that beeped every now and then, until I realised that it was a heart monitor, and his heart was literally skipping beats. He was in and out of sleep and it was quiet in there. We just wanted to spend time with him so we didn't do much but attend to him if he needed something. After a while, he got up slightly and looked at my sister, piercingly and said, "do you think about your dad?" and I could feel her reaction seeping in to me, as we went back in to his bed and closed his eyes. She stuttered, "Yes, dada, all the time".. And he didn't say a word after that. He just laid there and went in to a deep slumber. There was this look in his eyes, and it felt like there was a purpose to his direct question. But we didn't know what it was, all we knew was that we felt really sad. 

My grandad never asked me about my dad. After his passing, I never once spoke about my dad's death to him and he never mentioned it to me. It wasn't a concious decision or anything, it was just not something we communicated about. All I knew was that a part of him was lost after he lost his son. When you met him though, you'd never really realise that his life was so rich with a variety of hardships and other experiences. He was a charitable man, he always did good and most of all he had this hold on our family that felt like we had this umbrella protecting us from bad storms. 

My maternal grandparents lived in India and unfortunately I didn't see them as often as I would have liked to. I do however remember them very clearly and remember spending wonderful times with them. I was also very scared of my grandad - he was like a militant person, someone who lived by rules (yes, the total opposite to what my very base is made of!) and time. He liked his routine and it suited him well. He would speak to me in English - probably because he didn't want me to butcher Gujarati any further than I would have done in our previous conversation - and it was absolutely wonderful. He was a good man. He used to tell some good stories, especially towards the evening - when we'd all sit together outside in the veranda after our dinner. He'd often just give me money and ask me to go buy treats with my cousins for the whole family - usually vanilla ice cream (you HAVE to taste vanilla ice cream in India, it's am-ah-az-aing. And I'm not a vanilla person). He was very loving and quite an emotional person. Every time we'd leave to go back to Dubai/London, he'd cry and it would move me to no end. I think I get my love for Indian snacks and picky-type food from him.

My grandma was like the fairy godmother in Cinderella. I can't give you a better description - she looked just like her, and was so incredibly loving, patient and good-natured. I never remember her getting angry or being upset when we used to go to India. And oh dear lord, her food! She was the most amazing cook in the world. Her hands had magic in them. She cooked such great food, and I remember overeating, overindulging and hence becoming over-weight every holiday. It felt like pure bliss being around her and the rest of the family when we were there - it was welcoming and so very relaxing. Also, the town they lived in remains to be one of the most calmest places I've ever visited. 

She was completely cute. Short and a bit round, and had these big eyes. I'd pull her cheeks often, and tower over her even at 12. I'd teach her bits of English and then proceed to tease her after for ages regarding something or another. My dad also enjoyed doing that, I hear! But what I remember about her was her happiness - and how hard she worked. She was a great figure of strength for my mum after my dad passed away, but unfortunately memories of her and my grandad being around aren't something that exist in my mind. 

As I grew older and learnt about my grandparents in general - I realised that their lives weren't easy. They had great stories, ones that should have been shared - over and over. They were the kind of people that journalists could sit with for hours on end. That kind of thing.

Often times, I feel like I forget that they are a part of my life. I forget that actually, I learnt something from each and every one of them in some way or another. It saddens me to no end though, that I did not get to spend enough time with them. I wish they were still around so they could witness me growing up, along with listening to all of their lives histories first handedly.

I feel a bit sombre knowing that so many big events have come and gone in my life and yet apart from my mum, the "big" people in my life weren't around to take part in them. Of course, going forward it will only get more apparent - as I get married, or have kids and the like. 

However, there is this space inside me that I know I can go to whenever I wish to - and feel contented knowing that they're all in a better place, and that they were and remain to be some of the most wonderful personalities and human beings I've had the pleasure of knowing and being related to. Now that's a great thought.

Dada and Dadi (Paternal Grandparents)

Nana and Nani (Maternal Grandparents)

Wanderlust

“Every dreamer knows that it is entirely possible to be homesick for a place you've never been to, perhaps more homesick than for familiar ground.” 

The World is on my mind. It's been on my mind for a while now, but it's now the main thing on my mind. I want to travel. I actually just want to take off, and travel for as long as possible. I don't want to care about finances or about petty concerns. I want to explore my head off, until I can't possibly explore any more. And mostly, I want to enjoy the adventures that come my way. 

I was telling a friend the other day that I don't see the point of being afraid of the unknown. When something or some place is unknown, our general reaction is to fear it. It's a foreign thing. It's something you don't understand or haven't witnessed. Of course, it's human nature. But it's so easy to build fear up about something - in fact, that's how we have so many irrational fears (clowns and rats still count by the way, and are GENUINE FEARS). 

I think if you have that fear inside you, it stops you from doing so much with yourself (I don't go to circuses and I don't really jump on the train platforms. So I'm not missing much in life with my fears) and your life. Why limit yourself? And why not immerse yourself in to different situations? I think it leads to a richer existence. 

So having said that - I have a bad case of Wanderlust (a strong desire to travel). At this point in time, I am ready to jet off just about anywhere I've not been to yet and enjoy my time exploring and being disconnected from the world I know. Perhaps we all reach this stage sometimes, some more than others - but I've been feeling this for ages. The only difference is this time, I'm going to make it happen. I'm going to make these adventures happen, and I am going to start soon. I think I've waited long enough. 

So guys, I'm making a vow - I'm going to travel from this year onwards. I'm going to start seeing the world, one place at a time, and I'm going to do this without any negativity. And I'm also not going to be a tourist. Because I dislike tourists in their "lost" looks and their inability to absorb the place they are in. I'm going to be a traveller. 

Now I wish this vow sounded like "guys, I'm taking off tomorrow, and will be travelling the world. I don't know when I'll be back, but I will keep you updated with my travels and adventures".. A part of me has to remain responsible. But at least I'm going to start somewhere. Although one day soon, I suspect I will take off and just end up somewhere. 

More to come on this, I promise (and by that I mean - finalisations of actual active travel plans).

This year, will not go to waste.

Quote (I'm on a roll, guys)

You know that feeling you get - when you watch a movie after a long, long time and you realise that there was something new you didn't notice before? Or perhaps you did, but you did not understand it in the way you do now? Well.. I'm in that situation. And for that, all I can do is quote those lines from one of my favourite movies, Meet Joe Black.

Joe Black: I don't care, Bill. I love her.

William Parrish: How perfect for you - to take whatever you want because it pleases you. That's not love.

Joe Black: Then what is it?

William Parrish: Some aimless infatuation which, for the moment, you feel like indulging - it's missing everything that matters.

Joe Black: Which is what?

William Parrish: Trust, responsibility, taking the weight for your choices and feelings, and spending the rest of your life living up to them. And above all, not hurting the object of your love.

Joe Black: So that's what love is, according to William Parrish?

William Parrish: Multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I'm talking about.

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Deep in her heart, she wasn't sure she deserved to be happy, nor did she believe that she was worthy of someone who seemed.. Normal.
                                                  - Safe Haven, Nicholas Sparks

"I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes I have to invent, of course I do, don’t you think I do?"

I think if I look over my blog - talking about love or relationships in general is probably in the top 3. The first probably being the idea of change, or changing, or wanting to change. The second would be elaborate thoughts on many topics (including love and change) and the last would be love (I don't count the early years of blogging experience when I say this. As I cringe to look back on it, but a part of me wants it there for archiving and memory purposes). 

For as long as I can remember, I have always been an Agony Aunt for relationships. It started in the middle of High School, as that is when I discovered that something like relationships exist. This was all thanks (or unthanks? If there's such a word) to the girls in my class who were persistent to secure boyfriends. They would do silly things like stand in the girls section and look over at the boys section to see if their boyfriends were hanging about. Of course, the moment they'd spot each other - the girls would act like they didn't see the boys, and laugh overly loud, followed by doing something silly but "cute" like clumsily walking in to something, etc. This would in turn, a) make the boys look at them more or b) ignore them, but look at them from the corner of their eyes. The boys would begin to poke fun at each other about their girlfriends. And that would be the entire lunch time gone. 

You wonder where I was during lunch time? I was eating lunch. Or getting detention for chewing gum in class. Or hanging out with cooler people. Weirdly enough though, I used to hang out with all sorts of groups in schools. I never limited myself. Comes with the "no rules" policy I have followed since I was a baby. 

Anyway, back to being an Agony Aunt. Now, I knew as little as little about love as Cookie does about catching birds (you need to know him to understand that he does not catch birds.. It's one of his most endearing (read: non-cat) qualities). However, I used to give them my honest opinions and used to try and be as unbiased as possible. Partly because, I was friends with many of the boys. I can't help it. I work better with them. They come with NO issues, and are so easy to talk to!

The problems I was told about were mostly to do with "he said I have to come to City Centre (Dubaians you know where I am going with this) or else he won't give me my birthday present (or talk to me/or will break up with me)". Of course at the time these were the biggest problems in their lives. And to me, they seemed sort of dumb. I didn't get it. I mean, it was just a boy. And so much effort was put in to it. Not only effort, but tears, stress and heart ache.. It made no sense. To me, love or "deep like" as I liked to call it (I had this theory that no one under a certain age could actually "fall in love" and that anything before that was just "deep like".. I had many theories. I had an active brain), was something so baffling and time consuming. Why waste time, I'd ask them - and I'd mostly get the same reply.. "Because I "love" him". Perhaps I was too much of a tom-boy or just so uninterested in all of that romance/mush/cheese that I didn't know how to react apart from cringing and just groaning at the sound of those words. 

Nevertheless, I maintained my Agony Aunt status for quite a few years. And it actually became second-nature to be there for various friends and acquaintances during their rough love stories. Some were actually really rough. But this still didn't change my mind. I didn't understand love. I didn't understand why people became so aloof, and why they would talk about the same person all day, all night. It was like something had taken them over. I'd spend hours on the phone with my other like-minded friends, cribbing about such nonsensical behaviour.

However, one fine Valentines Day - I was walking towards my bus at the end of the day and a friend of mine came towards me. He had a bag - a quite obviously Valentines Day bag with hearts and glitter and other annoying materials that don't come off your hand - and said "it's for you, it's from a secret admirer".. I didn't know what to do or say, and so I started laughing, assuming it was a joke. I walked off after a second and he came after saying it was seriously for me. I was confused and felt a bit ill in my stomach (I don't know if this is a normal reaction, by the way). I ran on to the bus and sat down next to my friend and told her all about what happened in under a second. She smiled, saying she knew I'd get something. I had no idea what that meant - I was convinced that I was being pranked. It was the only sensible conclusion. She told me to open the bag - and reluctantly I did. I found a small teddy bear, which smelt of aftershave, along with a card and a box of Ferrero Rocher's. I read the card and it was quite sweet. I felt even more sick and tossed the bag to my friend who found it hilarious.

I went home and showed my mum - she had that smile on her face and asked me who it was from. When I told her I didn't know, I felt a bit deflated. How could someone like me? And why were they being silly. I tried going through all the people I knew and came up with no suspects. It was only when I called the friend who delivered the bag when I heard someone at the back say "is it her?" that I knew who it was. It had been someone I had only met twice - both times in a big group meal/video gaming area type situation. 

He tried talking to me on the phone and didn't get very far (because I hung up). Safe to say that love story ended before it started due to my discomfort and inability to understand that someone (a boy) could like me. I think I mostly felt sick by the experience. I didn't feel like other girls did on Valentines Day - or any other day they'd get gifts. I didn't feel swept away, or at the least, tip-toeing an inch off the ground. I was pretty sure that I had no romantic feelings inside me. I didn't really understand them to be honest. 

It was only after that experience however, I started listening to love songs (actually "listening" to the lyrics), enjoying romantic movies and picking up novels that had some type of romance in it. I even invested in lip-balm. I became more aware of feelings and emotions of a romantic nature (not towards anyone, mind, just in general). I understood a little bit more about relationships and sometimes would day dream about what it would be like. And after that, I honestly couldn't help myself.. I became a bit of a love-bug. And made some people feel sick with how incredibly love-eyed I was.

I continue to be an Agony Aunt (although much less, and I choose who I Agony Aunt with), but now it comes from a much softer place.
So here it is. My confession - I am a romantic. I am deeply moved by love and I think of it as one of the greatest things that could happen to someone. I am a sap. There is nothing that can make me cry as easily as a good love story (in any form).

Of course there's a love song. And of course it's by Bryan Adams.

2013

2013. What can I say about it? It was an insanely full year. There were events and all sorts of things happening throughout the year.

It was a year filled with new experiences and a lot of spontaneity. It was the year that I realised that marriage is something I want - it's also the year that I realised that I need to change the way I live my life. 

I lost tonnes of weight, and I became fitter. I started understanding the importance of good diet and nutrition and took all of the information and research I did on board to a better and healthier lifestyle. I am now officially wheat, dairy, gluten, grain and sugar free. Apart from the odd chocolate of course. 

I also went to Toronto and Dubai for a short holiday - and I have to say, both times - both holidays, were absolutely fantastic. I got closer to people in my life that I did not know as well before, and strengthened other relationships. 

I also learnt that I am now at a place with friendships where I've figured out that the older the friends are, the less maintenance they need in order to stay in touch. I met some of my oldest and dearest friends whilst out in Dubai during Christmas. It was completely amazing, and so easy to speak to them and catch up. It was as though no time had passed at all - and it was absolutely great to see how far we've all come in our lives. I think those are the friendships that I've cherished the most. Whereas those friends I met later in life, I've seen myself  grow apart from them and find that I barely have much in common with them any more.. In fact, that whole stage in my life during University is now a blur. I don't remember much from that part of my life, and I don't feel the need to rerun through memories in order to feel content either. I've accepted that I was a different person then, and by default knew different people. 

In short. I've grown up. I'm 25 and I've got an idea as to what I want from my life - where I stand, and more importantly, where I'd like to go. This time last year, I think I was not as sure as to what I wanted from my year. I just went with the flow and by the end of the year, I think I had had enough and wanted, nay, craved a change of pace and scene. 

Although I mentioned that I did a lot of new things - and I'm glad I did! - there were a few very deep, very sad events that occurred as well. I lost my uncle, whom I was close to and whose death really shook my entire family due to his very sudden and tragic passing. After he passed away, I think life got a little bit more real, and it changed me a lot. I realised that I got quieter, and more subdued. I started thinking a lot more and suddenly aged in my mind and body. I fell ill, I felt low on energy, I felt a bit insecure and most of all - I was completely and utterly scared by what life had shown me again. In early 2012 I lost my grandfather, and it had only been just over a year later when my uncle had also gone. It was too much to take in, for a short amount of time. 

Once that happened, the rest of the year just sped by in weddings, some more bad news regarding my other uncle's heart (he's doing better now) and other such news. If I'm honest, the later half of the year really did something to my internal processes. I felt unlike myself, and I felt so utterly lost and confused. It almost felt like an older part of me was resurfacing and I was quite worried. I felt quite hopeless and also a bit anxious a lot of the time. These were emotions I thought I had buried away some years ago - so having them come back was definitely not a warm feeling.

Towards the end of the year I had a bright idea - I decided that I needed a holiday and booked myself a short trip to Dubai towards the end of December. I think I envisioned the remainder of the year to pan out in a similarly negative way. I knew I would have needed the time away by that point. And it was a blessing when it came around. It was 10 glorious days spent with some wonderful company and feeling a bit like myself again, although with a much needed renewed outlook on life. 

As the New Year begins, I find myself sitting here with a massive new zest for life. For the first time in a very very very (times a thousand) long time I finally feel like I've pinpointed what needs to change in my life and how to go about it. There is no option of trying - it will work, and I will make those changes. It's high time I move on with my life, and get out of the environment and places I find myself in now.

.. And of course, travel some more!

I'm ready. 2014, you're mine. You have no choice but to be completely amazing. I'm having no less. You will be good to me!

Happy new year all - make it a memorable, adventurous and more importantly a fantastic year.