Wanderlust

“Every dreamer knows that it is entirely possible to be homesick for a place you've never been to, perhaps more homesick than for familiar ground.” 

The World is on my mind. It's been on my mind for a while now, but it's now the main thing on my mind. I want to travel. I actually just want to take off, and travel for as long as possible. I don't want to care about finances or about petty concerns. I want to explore my head off, until I can't possibly explore any more. And mostly, I want to enjoy the adventures that come my way. 

I was telling a friend the other day that I don't see the point of being afraid of the unknown. When something or some place is unknown, our general reaction is to fear it. It's a foreign thing. It's something you don't understand or haven't witnessed. Of course, it's human nature. But it's so easy to build fear up about something - in fact, that's how we have so many irrational fears (clowns and rats still count by the way, and are GENUINE FEARS). 

I think if you have that fear inside you, it stops you from doing so much with yourself (I don't go to circuses and I don't really jump on the train platforms. So I'm not missing much in life with my fears) and your life. Why limit yourself? And why not immerse yourself in to different situations? I think it leads to a richer existence. 

So having said that - I have a bad case of Wanderlust (a strong desire to travel). At this point in time, I am ready to jet off just about anywhere I've not been to yet and enjoy my time exploring and being disconnected from the world I know. Perhaps we all reach this stage sometimes, some more than others - but I've been feeling this for ages. The only difference is this time, I'm going to make it happen. I'm going to make these adventures happen, and I am going to start soon. I think I've waited long enough. 

So guys, I'm making a vow - I'm going to travel from this year onwards. I'm going to start seeing the world, one place at a time, and I'm going to do this without any negativity. And I'm also not going to be a tourist. Because I dislike tourists in their "lost" looks and their inability to absorb the place they are in. I'm going to be a traveller. 

Now I wish this vow sounded like "guys, I'm taking off tomorrow, and will be travelling the world. I don't know when I'll be back, but I will keep you updated with my travels and adventures".. A part of me has to remain responsible. But at least I'm going to start somewhere. Although one day soon, I suspect I will take off and just end up somewhere. 

More to come on this, I promise (and by that I mean - finalisations of actual active travel plans).

This year, will not go to waste.

Quote (I'm on a roll, guys)

You know that feeling you get - when you watch a movie after a long, long time and you realise that there was something new you didn't notice before? Or perhaps you did, but you did not understand it in the way you do now? Well.. I'm in that situation. And for that, all I can do is quote those lines from one of my favourite movies, Meet Joe Black.

Joe Black: I don't care, Bill. I love her.

William Parrish: How perfect for you - to take whatever you want because it pleases you. That's not love.

Joe Black: Then what is it?

William Parrish: Some aimless infatuation which, for the moment, you feel like indulging - it's missing everything that matters.

Joe Black: Which is what?

William Parrish: Trust, responsibility, taking the weight for your choices and feelings, and spending the rest of your life living up to them. And above all, not hurting the object of your love.

Joe Black: So that's what love is, according to William Parrish?

William Parrish: Multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I'm talking about.

Quote

Deep in her heart, she wasn't sure she deserved to be happy, nor did she believe that she was worthy of someone who seemed.. Normal.
                                                  - Safe Haven, Nicholas Sparks

"I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes I have to invent, of course I do, don’t you think I do?"

I think if I look over my blog - talking about love or relationships in general is probably in the top 3. The first probably being the idea of change, or changing, or wanting to change. The second would be elaborate thoughts on many topics (including love and change) and the last would be love (I don't count the early years of blogging experience when I say this. As I cringe to look back on it, but a part of me wants it there for archiving and memory purposes). 

For as long as I can remember, I have always been an Agony Aunt for relationships. It started in the middle of High School, as that is when I discovered that something like relationships exist. This was all thanks (or unthanks? If there's such a word) to the girls in my class who were persistent to secure boyfriends. They would do silly things like stand in the girls section and look over at the boys section to see if their boyfriends were hanging about. Of course, the moment they'd spot each other - the girls would act like they didn't see the boys, and laugh overly loud, followed by doing something silly but "cute" like clumsily walking in to something, etc. This would in turn, a) make the boys look at them more or b) ignore them, but look at them from the corner of their eyes. The boys would begin to poke fun at each other about their girlfriends. And that would be the entire lunch time gone. 

You wonder where I was during lunch time? I was eating lunch. Or getting detention for chewing gum in class. Or hanging out with cooler people. Weirdly enough though, I used to hang out with all sorts of groups in schools. I never limited myself. Comes with the "no rules" policy I have followed since I was a baby. 

Anyway, back to being an Agony Aunt. Now, I knew as little as little about love as Cookie does about catching birds (you need to know him to understand that he does not catch birds.. It's one of his most endearing (read: non-cat) qualities). However, I used to give them my honest opinions and used to try and be as unbiased as possible. Partly because, I was friends with many of the boys. I can't help it. I work better with them. They come with NO issues, and are so easy to talk to!

The problems I was told about were mostly to do with "he said I have to come to City Centre (Dubaians you know where I am going with this) or else he won't give me my birthday present (or talk to me/or will break up with me)". Of course at the time these were the biggest problems in their lives. And to me, they seemed sort of dumb. I didn't get it. I mean, it was just a boy. And so much effort was put in to it. Not only effort, but tears, stress and heart ache.. It made no sense. To me, love or "deep like" as I liked to call it (I had this theory that no one under a certain age could actually "fall in love" and that anything before that was just "deep like".. I had many theories. I had an active brain), was something so baffling and time consuming. Why waste time, I'd ask them - and I'd mostly get the same reply.. "Because I "love" him". Perhaps I was too much of a tom-boy or just so uninterested in all of that romance/mush/cheese that I didn't know how to react apart from cringing and just groaning at the sound of those words. 

Nevertheless, I maintained my Agony Aunt status for quite a few years. And it actually became second-nature to be there for various friends and acquaintances during their rough love stories. Some were actually really rough. But this still didn't change my mind. I didn't understand love. I didn't understand why people became so aloof, and why they would talk about the same person all day, all night. It was like something had taken them over. I'd spend hours on the phone with my other like-minded friends, cribbing about such nonsensical behaviour.

However, one fine Valentines Day - I was walking towards my bus at the end of the day and a friend of mine came towards me. He had a bag - a quite obviously Valentines Day bag with hearts and glitter and other annoying materials that don't come off your hand - and said "it's for you, it's from a secret admirer".. I didn't know what to do or say, and so I started laughing, assuming it was a joke. I walked off after a second and he came after saying it was seriously for me. I was confused and felt a bit ill in my stomach (I don't know if this is a normal reaction, by the way). I ran on to the bus and sat down next to my friend and told her all about what happened in under a second. She smiled, saying she knew I'd get something. I had no idea what that meant - I was convinced that I was being pranked. It was the only sensible conclusion. She told me to open the bag - and reluctantly I did. I found a small teddy bear, which smelt of aftershave, along with a card and a box of Ferrero Rocher's. I read the card and it was quite sweet. I felt even more sick and tossed the bag to my friend who found it hilarious.

I went home and showed my mum - she had that smile on her face and asked me who it was from. When I told her I didn't know, I felt a bit deflated. How could someone like me? And why were they being silly. I tried going through all the people I knew and came up with no suspects. It was only when I called the friend who delivered the bag when I heard someone at the back say "is it her?" that I knew who it was. It had been someone I had only met twice - both times in a big group meal/video gaming area type situation. 

He tried talking to me on the phone and didn't get very far (because I hung up). Safe to say that love story ended before it started due to my discomfort and inability to understand that someone (a boy) could like me. I think I mostly felt sick by the experience. I didn't feel like other girls did on Valentines Day - or any other day they'd get gifts. I didn't feel swept away, or at the least, tip-toeing an inch off the ground. I was pretty sure that I had no romantic feelings inside me. I didn't really understand them to be honest. 

It was only after that experience however, I started listening to love songs (actually "listening" to the lyrics), enjoying romantic movies and picking up novels that had some type of romance in it. I even invested in lip-balm. I became more aware of feelings and emotions of a romantic nature (not towards anyone, mind, just in general). I understood a little bit more about relationships and sometimes would day dream about what it would be like. And after that, I honestly couldn't help myself.. I became a bit of a love-bug. And made some people feel sick with how incredibly love-eyed I was.

I continue to be an Agony Aunt (although much less, and I choose who I Agony Aunt with), but now it comes from a much softer place.
So here it is. My confession - I am a romantic. I am deeply moved by love and I think of it as one of the greatest things that could happen to someone. I am a sap. There is nothing that can make me cry as easily as a good love story (in any form).

Of course there's a love song. And of course it's by Bryan Adams.

2013

2013. What can I say about it? It was an insanely full year. There were events and all sorts of things happening throughout the year.

It was a year filled with new experiences and a lot of spontaneity. It was the year that I realised that marriage is something I want - it's also the year that I realised that I need to change the way I live my life. 

I lost tonnes of weight, and I became fitter. I started understanding the importance of good diet and nutrition and took all of the information and research I did on board to a better and healthier lifestyle. I am now officially wheat, dairy, gluten, grain and sugar free. Apart from the odd chocolate of course. 

I also went to Toronto and Dubai for a short holiday - and I have to say, both times - both holidays, were absolutely fantastic. I got closer to people in my life that I did not know as well before, and strengthened other relationships. 

I also learnt that I am now at a place with friendships where I've figured out that the older the friends are, the less maintenance they need in order to stay in touch. I met some of my oldest and dearest friends whilst out in Dubai during Christmas. It was completely amazing, and so easy to speak to them and catch up. It was as though no time had passed at all - and it was absolutely great to see how far we've all come in our lives. I think those are the friendships that I've cherished the most. Whereas those friends I met later in life, I've seen myself  grow apart from them and find that I barely have much in common with them any more.. In fact, that whole stage in my life during University is now a blur. I don't remember much from that part of my life, and I don't feel the need to rerun through memories in order to feel content either. I've accepted that I was a different person then, and by default knew different people. 

In short. I've grown up. I'm 25 and I've got an idea as to what I want from my life - where I stand, and more importantly, where I'd like to go. This time last year, I think I was not as sure as to what I wanted from my year. I just went with the flow and by the end of the year, I think I had had enough and wanted, nay, craved a change of pace and scene. 

Although I mentioned that I did a lot of new things - and I'm glad I did! - there were a few very deep, very sad events that occurred as well. I lost my uncle, whom I was close to and whose death really shook my entire family due to his very sudden and tragic passing. After he passed away, I think life got a little bit more real, and it changed me a lot. I realised that I got quieter, and more subdued. I started thinking a lot more and suddenly aged in my mind and body. I fell ill, I felt low on energy, I felt a bit insecure and most of all - I was completely and utterly scared by what life had shown me again. In early 2012 I lost my grandfather, and it had only been just over a year later when my uncle had also gone. It was too much to take in, for a short amount of time. 

Once that happened, the rest of the year just sped by in weddings, some more bad news regarding my other uncle's heart (he's doing better now) and other such news. If I'm honest, the later half of the year really did something to my internal processes. I felt unlike myself, and I felt so utterly lost and confused. It almost felt like an older part of me was resurfacing and I was quite worried. I felt quite hopeless and also a bit anxious a lot of the time. These were emotions I thought I had buried away some years ago - so having them come back was definitely not a warm feeling.

Towards the end of the year I had a bright idea - I decided that I needed a holiday and booked myself a short trip to Dubai towards the end of December. I think I envisioned the remainder of the year to pan out in a similarly negative way. I knew I would have needed the time away by that point. And it was a blessing when it came around. It was 10 glorious days spent with some wonderful company and feeling a bit like myself again, although with a much needed renewed outlook on life. 

As the New Year begins, I find myself sitting here with a massive new zest for life. For the first time in a very very very (times a thousand) long time I finally feel like I've pinpointed what needs to change in my life and how to go about it. There is no option of trying - it will work, and I will make those changes. It's high time I move on with my life, and get out of the environment and places I find myself in now.

.. And of course, travel some more!

I'm ready. 2014, you're mine. You have no choice but to be completely amazing. I'm having no less. You will be good to me!

Happy new year all - make it a memorable, adventurous and more importantly a fantastic year.