To, My Daddy..

In Loving Memory Of..

It's been five years.. Since my dad passed away. It seems like just yesterday he was around, pinching me whilst I held on to his big index finger and crossed the roads.

These past five years have been a constant test for me.. I think I've been through more than people go through by their thirties.. It's been half a decade since I saw him last, smiling at me from his window as he drove away and left that smile with me forever.

Each year that passes without him, I see how we all grow. I see how much we change, and how much stronger we all become. It's like he left so much behind, yet everything we knew of was taken away in just a second. He was, and still remains to be the biggest part of my world.

This year, it's been particularly difficult to move past a lot of things.. There were moments, like the last year of my A-levels, which made me yearn for him to be with me. He was there for both my sisters when they ended their A-levels and went on to university.. It feels rather empty going through such things without him.. But I know, he'll be forever looking down upon me.. I think that's the thought that gets me through the day more than anything.

I don't think I've ever lived through a day in the past 5 years where I've not thought or spoken of my dad.. Words can never describe what he meant to me. He was like this angel who came to me for a short while, but left me to guide myself through the rest of my life. There have been times where I have wondered why me? Why take something I need and want everyday of my life, from me? Why make me feel so freaking confused at every step of the way.. and make me drown myself in such dark places, where there's only bleakness? There are so many unanswered questions.. But then I look at the picture of my dad. I look at how glorious he was. I look at how much pain there was in his eyes from all those years, and I see the smile he gives despite it all.. And I know, that no matter how hard times got, he always found a way to make it all alright. He never, not once gave up. I've never heard of a time where he gave up.. He always fought, through his life, for his dreams and for us, his family. He never knew what giving up meant. He'd never brood or moan and groan around, he'd just be.. And he'd make everyday so special. He'd make it so worthwhile.. Just by being in it.

This past year I've learnt so much about him. I've learnt things I never knew of.. And I've learnt how much of an extraordinary man he was. It's no wonder he was taken away from this.. This abyss. I heard of stories from when he was a child, to a teenager, to being a brother and a husband and then a father and also a best friend. In all the roles he played, he did a brilliant job.. Because till date, I have not heard a single bad word about that man.. Because he never knew of the bad. He was just.. undescribable.

Even though it's been five whole years.. There's still so much more I am yet to learn about him. There's still so much more about him that cannot be said in just five years. He lived a full life.. And embraced every moment with such beauty and such grace. He was.. An Angel.

There have been times, even very recently.. Where all I wanted was for his hand to stroke my head.. Or to just give me a tight hug whilst I felt the warmth of his body against me, comforting me. There have been times that it gets so painful to just breathe through an hour of the day.. that it actually physically kills you piece by piece.

But then there are those days, which is almost everyday.. That I think about what he did in his life, that made him so special. He never ever let anything hurt me. He always protected me so much.. That he was actually afraid of me growing up. He was always there when we needed him..

One memory that's always so fresh is from when we were in Jeddah. We all disliked the place very much, but towards the more settled part of our stay there, nothing mattered.. As long as we were together. He had this habbit.. After every Friday afternoon prayer, he'd come home from the mosque with a bag of goodies for us. He'd come home with the strangest of drinks, the newest and yummiest of sweets for us and himself.. And we'd spend the rest of the afternoon doing all sorts. Mostly, he'd sit around for a while, then sleep.. Or fix something new, or take us out shopping. Evenings were spent in watering the garden, whilst cookie ran around catching lizards and weird creepy crawlies.. I'd give anything to just witness that feeling of wholeness again.

Words can never describe what I felt for my dad. Each day that passes, my thoughts and feelings about him evolve. Even though it still hurts as much as it did before, I think I understand now.. That I should be celebrating his life with every step.. And to learn from his life.

My only wish is that I embrace my life the way he did.. And never give up.. Afterall, I am his daughter.

You've been gone for so long Dad.. Yet it feels like you never left as well. You're always here with me, and whenever I need you.. I know you're listening.

This is for you.
From,
Your little "Boom Boom"

In the deep-end

.."So I'm holding on"

It seems the theme of this year is to hold on.. Holding on to yourself, your hopes and dreams.. Holding on to the torture and pain, just so you have something that's acknowledging you.. Even if it's brutal. And just.. Holding on, to fighting what you want and know you can have, if you just push a little extra and almost lose yourself.

In all my life I've never felt anything remotely stable. I've always moved around, gypsied from house to house, country to country.. But there was always this comfort, because wherever I went, my family was with me. Wherever we went, they made it possible to make a home, just by being there. Gosh, it's been forever since I've felt the feeling of being "home"..

To me, it's not a place where you have the fanciest of things or the most comfiest of settings. It's a place where, as you walk in, wherever it may be.. You feel "This is where I belong". You can feel that in the arms of the one you love, or in a shed of your backgarden.. It can be anywhere, with anyone. And it always makes you feel most alive, and most comfortable and most.. At peace, whenever you're there. Is it wrong to yearn for such a feeling?

I've had strong faith over the past few months that, whatever we go through, anything bad or deathening, there's always something good at the end of it. Call me cynical, but I think that's a bunch of bogus. Too long now, I've waited for that "something good".. And well, I look back to yesterday, a week ago, a month and even 6 months ago.. And I find myself feeling the same, if not more lost and confused. So how exactly does the whole equation equal to "something good in the end"?? As far as I can see.. There's only bleakness. And beyond that bleakness? Possibly smog.

Over the past few months I think I've grown up quite a lot. People around me possibly fail to see it, or maybe don't want to accept it.. But I for one am pretty sure I have, at least I'm still in the process of it. I've accepted things I never wanted to, and moved on from situations faster than you can snap your fingers! Whatever those situations may be.. I've left all my romantic ideals, and unrealistic thoughts where they belong.. They faded with that childish person. The one who was so sure there was unicorns beyond this world, and everything was based on this false hope, and expectations. I based everything upon my artificial ideals, that stated anything was possible if I stayed in my little dream world. Well, soon I had to break open that dream world and step into the world where cockroaches don't become pretty white doves who sing songs of sappyness. No, cockroaches pretty much crawl all over you, fly into your shirt and if they could, crawl out of your ears.

I've not planned for something in a very long time. Everyone keeps asking me, "Sanaa! You finished your A-levels where are you going to go for the summer? What will you do?" And my answer has been the same for months.. "I don't know." Because I simply do not. I don't make plans anymore, just from keeping myself from being disappointed. Lord knows, I've felt that more than I haven't. I have now followed my own advice about living for the day, in the day. However empty the day may seem..

For now, I'll leave you with the lyrics from "Storm", one of Lifehouse's songs.

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I happen to see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
And everything will be all right
And everything will be all right

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I’m so used to living underneath the surface

One day

Sometimes things just happen, and we're left to deal. More often than not, we don't really know how or where it comes from. We try to trace our steps back, but for some reason it never really makes any sense.. So what do you do? You just keep waiting, because you know that one day.. Somehow, you'll understand.

For far too long, a lot of things have happened which have been hard for me to understand. Some of the times I found myself far too lucky, and tried not to *screw up*. At others, I just wondered whether I was prone to bad times, or whether it was just something I had to go through, for a purpose. But there always came a place I stood in, which made me wonder whether any of what I truely went through changed me in anyway.. Or if it was just to purely torture me.. For no apparent reason. That's the way I've been seeing things as of late.

Sometimes it actually gets hard to breathe in your own skin.. And I've heard people always say that, though I never really understood it. It feels like you need to get out of yourself somehow, just so you can stop feeling those horrible things you feel. It's like you want to tear yourself apart just so you have something else to concentrate on for a few short moments.. And you just yearn for some human touch, not just any.. The kind that makes you feel alive again, and worthwhile, just so you stop feeling like pulling your hair apart, and holding on to your bedsheets with such strength, that they tear.

But then.. A new day comes along, and you feel different. You feel like maybe that's the day you'll do something you'll be happy with. Maybe it'll be that day you'll finally feel alive and like yourself. But those days pass too.. And you're just left wandering in between.. Trying to find a place where you can feel sane again.

I've spent a lot of time with myself over the past couple of months.. I've tried to get to know myself, so that I could be able to perhaps understand the deeper side of my being, if such a thing existed. I got to a point where even I got fed up with what I was doing and thinking. I can't really imagine what others must feel like.

Here's a quote that's been lingering in my head for the day.. It's from the movie, The Holiday.

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

BRB!

Ever just sat there staring at the screen whilst a friend or an acquaintance of yours went on typing and typing in the chat window? And you just felt so incredibly bored that you find the cracks on your wall more interesting than them? Yeah.. Happens to me on a daily basis with a lot of people.

A classic example:

Me: Hmm..
Person: i knwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dats wht i thot 2.. bt i cdnt be bovrd to say nething. i mean how hrd is it to to tell sum1 u luv dem?
Me: yeah.. (Completely unamused)
Person: so i tld her dat she needz to srsly tell dat guy she got anoda man........ its unfair to da otha 1
Me: Okay..
Person: i dunno y bt i tink she is vry cunfuzd... its impslbe to be wid 2 peeps in 1 go like she duz..... imagine if tha otha findzz out.. shed be in shitz lol lol lol lol
Me: Brb
Person: Okayzzzz tell me wen ur backk..... i gta tell u loadzz mre

(2 hours later)

Person: u bak???????????
Me: (Ignores)
Person: k...... gess ur reeely bzy! neway i gta go..... tc cya
Me: (Throws party)

The above has happened to me more times than I can count. I have suddenly become this relationship/other crisis guru.. It's as though I've got all the answers, when in reality I'm struggling to find my own! I don't mind my actual friends doing it.. as I love being there for them. When random people come upto me, after a year and a bit and suddenly start talking like I know everything, it annoys me. Yes, I don't have much of a life at the moment, but just what if I was doing something important.. like picking my nose.

It's annoying when you suddenly talk to people after ages and they tell you about a problem they have but use "my friend" instead.. for example, "OH!! I was meant to ask you.. you know, one of my mates right.. well she has this horrible guy after her and, it's rather annoying since she has no idea what to do".. Now right there, that is my cue to leave. However, sometimes it's so hard for me to say "NO!" and move on.. instead, I BRB them! =D Much more effective.

If you have BRB'd by me, and I've never returned, chances are I was ignoring you! =D However, if you're one of my good friends, I've probably told you, that I have BRB'd you before if I have. And for those I haven't told - I'm afraid my friends list will go down from 5 to non-existant! Crap!

Oh the joy of three words.

The BRB-er.

Updates from my NON - exciting life.

I clobbered a wasp.

And..

I picked up minute dirt from my carpet.