2016: A Learning Curve

2016 was such a big year. It was my first year of marriage, my first full year of living in Melbourne, my year of getting to know myself as a wife, daughter in law and sister in law, amongst many other things. Of course, the most defining moment of my year was when my sweet sweet Cookie passed away. The most pivotal moment was when I went back home to London after over a year of being away from my family.

I have to say.. I was more than humbled by 2016. I felt like I crashed down to earth and was faced with my greatest demon yet. Myself. It was fascinating to see that all these years I talked about knowing myself, about finding out where I belonged and all these profound statements made in the depths of "finding myself". But here I was, hanging in the middle of 2016, without a clue of who I really was, and what I was doing and where Lost, didn't even begin to define what I was feeling most days.

When I was at university, there was a chapter in Social Psychology we studied which talked about how women developed their identities after they were in long-term relationships/marriages. I remember reading that, and thinking it was the most stupidest thing ever. And believe me, I still do. I don't think that anyone really ever develops their identity in one specific phase of their lives - I feel like it's constantly evolving, as time progresses, and the experiences build. For instance - I feel like a very large part of my personality was fixed within me the moment I found out my dad passed away. The girl who became a young woman that day has always stayed close to me, reminding me so many things on a regular basis as I have moved through the last 15 years. She's the one who nudges me when I get upset about small things, reminding me to let it go, for those are moments wasted.

So, when I got married, I was pretty sure that I was a ready-made person with this specific personality and these set of thoughts that no one could shift. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, where I was going and what I was doing. Fast forward to a few months down the line and I was a mess within myself. I'd go hot and cold all within a few minutes of talking to my husband, and I pretty much set myself a target to be schizophrenic on all other days. All in all, I was confusing myself and those around me. Every single day, I had a new idea of what I wanted to do - I'd open a bakery, no no, I'd be a freelance writer.. Nah, I think I found my calling, I'll be a mental health therapist. No, that's too emotionally draining, I know I'll save the world somehow. Okay, I don't think I can do that either. Yes, I found it! I'll work with animals. I love them so much, so it'll come naturally! Oh wait, no, because I'll get attached and it'll be too sad to see them go. Perhaps I'll just go in to a meaningless job and make lots of money and then do something amazing with that money? Yes, that sounds like a good plan. Plus, who really likes their jobs these days anyway? I can just be part of that rat race, and eventually once I've made a million dollars, I can spend it happily on.. On.. On what exactly?

That was pretty much my thought process all the time. I'd jump from idea to idea before finishing a full breath. I have to say, and give all the credit to my husband here - as he is an absolute saint, with so much patience to have sat there everyday and support me through my endless thoughts. And he was there by my side when I made some questionable decisions about jobs, clothing (I feel embarrassed even thinking about that one), TV shows (addiction to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) and ruining dinner recipes.. And he just supported me through it all, so effortlessly (probably a lot more effort than I could ever imagine). 

In 2016 I realised a lot of things: 
I didn't know myself as well as I thought I did. I was in denial for over a year with Cookie's health and passing and I had the hardest time letting go of him - and I am not even fully there yet. I was not cut out for full-time work which involved heavy computer usage (so I ended up making sure I took a job that was heavily computer related.. Because sensible decisions was something else I could not fathom). I am not cut out for full-time work. I want to help this world somehow, even if it's one person, for one time only. I don't agree with a lot of things other people around me think and do, and mostly I stay silent out of respect, but when I speak up, it's from the depths of my heart - and then, no one can stop me. I have extremely strong opinions. I get really sad when I'm hungry and sleepy. I get put off easily over the smallest thing and it's bloody hard to get me back on track. Being rich isn't something I dream of - as I feel money is very temporary, although I am grateful for whatever I do have. I do not go out of my way to make more money. I've actually taken a massive pay cut, and it hasn't changed my life in the slightest (apart from me being happier). Travelling the world is a massive priority. Buying a house and doing so called responsible things for my unforeseen future is something I don't believe in. Hypocrisy in any form makes me so livid. I don't believe in investments, or being miserly with the way I spend or gift something to someone. I am a pretty cool wife and don't believe in things like being possessive or nosey about what my husband is doing. Maybe because he's a lot like me, so we get each other a lot? I am a great cook! I keep going back in to full-time work without really wanting to, because staying at home isn't something I can do full-time. This conundrum is never-ending. And most importantly - I lose myself more than I find myself. And I am okay with all of these things, because this is what I am.

And, I've learnt these things about myself after I got married. Because, there was someone else there watching me intently through all the various complex layers that I was unfolding without knowing it. There was someone there who would tell me that I'm not okay. I'm not making good decisions and that I need to let go of painful things I'm holding on to and be happy. But more than anything, I had someone by my side who accepted all of these very intense things about myself, and loved them regardless. So, I didn't want to continue being lost and sad, when I took so long finding the person next to me. No use in wasting the days you wait for so long, by being sad due to one conundrum or another. 

I think it's safe to say.. That, in 2016.. I learnt how to be happy. It took over 360 days, but by the end of it.. I taught myself how to be happy. From the soul.