Thinking Thoughts

After I wrote the last post, I decided to take a mind-break from thinking so much. Because really that's what I have spent pretty much all my life doing. And even as I typed that sentence I've imagined and thought of 10 things that do not concern the writing of this paragraph.

But can you ever truly take a break from the one thing your brain does the most? Hmmmm!

For the last couple of years in particular, I feel like I've been overly concerned with what the world thinks of me. I fell in to the trap of "if I wear this, what will he/she/they think?" and "if I say don't do this, will I be a weirdo?".. And of course my favourite, "what if I say no to this, will it offend them? What if I offend them, will they ever talk to me again? I know, just stay quiet and nod along". Uff, I feel tired just writing those words. In fact, just in the last 30 seconds, I've suddenly felt so stressed and uncomfortable remembering so many instances where I've thought those very thoughts.

I always thought of myself as someone who was never overtly concerned with what the rest of the world thought of me, or said about me. There have been people whom I've never seen eye to eye with, but even those people never bothered me or got under my skin. In fact, I tried as hard as possible to not indulge in backbiting and at most times I succeeded. Of course, there are always those moments where you suddenly become human, and leave all sense behind.

I remember a few instances with "friends" over the years that made me terribly upset. I'd think about the conflict we would have had and the way it could have been solved. I'd get angry and sad, but mostly because I thought a bond was breaking - a bond of mine, and if anyone knows me, they know I'm loyal to the core. So those things would hurt. And yet, even then, I was never concerned with what that "friend" had thought of me, it was always concerning our misunderstanding of a situation.

But I have figured out something along the way. I only became concerned with other people's thoughts after I got married. Why? Because it was a new territory. I couldn't justify being the way I was and making my decisions on the people I met. What do I mean by that? I've got pretty strong and accurate instinctive feelings when it comes to meeting new people. (Some may call it harsh judgement, but to be honest, I dislike that a lot. In fact, I'm always the first to say it very openly when I've been wrong - about anything. I don't have an ego about being incorrect, I welcome it wholeheartedly). I have these vibes I get from them and I know pretty much straight away whether I'm going to be able to get along with them or not. And I'm usually pretty spot on, and I stick to it very closely. I feel like there's an internal wisdom telling me to stay away from a particular person/group of people, so I listen intently. And I have to say, it's hardly ever been wrong.

Now, after getting married this instinct of mine obviously continued as we went around introducing me to the husband's world. Me being me, I was quite open to him about what I felt about some of the people I came across. I'd tell him that I didn't feel comfortable, or that I felt this person wasn't genuine and so forth. He wouldn't really say much but would just say that perhaps it was the setting, or that it was too formal as it was an introductory meeting. Of course those were all very real and very true possibilities, so I'd give it another shot. And another. And a few more. And then a year later, I would still feel the same after having met them quite a few times. I started doubting myself a lot along the way, as I came across newer people. Perhaps I was losing my edge, or perhaps I had been a highly judgemental individual all this while and masked it as instinct. But, I started questioning myself a lot - "was it me? Was I the awkward person that was giving off those vibes and they were just reacting to it? Did I offend them? What must they think of me? Oh my goodness, I must be a right old (insert profanities) to them!"

This chaotic thinking lead me to temporarily suspend my instinctual feelings and just be a certain way that would be acceptable across this new board. I learnt that if you had your own thoughts about someone that everyone else liked, you'd be labelled as a meddling woman. I learnt that if you were different to the rest and spoke up about it, you'd be feared and therefore wouldn't have good interactions with others. In fact, they'd even ignore you. I learnt that if you tried to stick up for yourself or for your husband when something wasn't true or misunderstood, you'd be seen as wrong regardless. Or, you were blamed for changing his thoughts. So, it was easier then to just be quiet, and go with motions. I became highly concerned about what I was portraying to the rest of the world, and spent my time dissecting details of various gatherings and analysing why this person or that person rolled their eyes at me, or didn't speak to me properly. 

Along this path of confusion and neglecting my thoughts.. I realised one day that regardless of what I do, or how I do it, if people want to judge you, or want to dislike you, they will find ample reasons to do so. As the "new" person, it's easier to point fingers at you without thinking twice of what your story is. And that is when I understood the stark difference between myself and others. And, I started to rely on my vibes, instincts and other thoughts with pride. I stopped being so concerned with what others thought of me, and what they assumed I was like. It is so tiring trying to please people. I mean, you go out of your way to be someone you're not just to manage superficial relationships, for the sake of false niceness. How is that ever going to bring you joy?

One thing I've learnt from all of this is.. I really, truly, deeply dislike fakeness more than I originally thought. Unfortunately keeping up with false pretense and overly fake relationships is something I cannot stomach.

Oh well.