To Healing

My life has substantially changed since I last wrote here. Let me now elaborate, of course.

Guys, I was in a funk. I mean, a huge smelly, green and blue type funk. The kind that ginger's antiseptic properties couldn't kill (there's some health-food humour for you). It was bad. 

Let's rewind a little.

December 2015, I received the news that my sweet Cookie had cancer. A disgusting, heart-breaking and absolutely unfair diagnosis. But it was true. I didn't however, deal with it well. I chose to turn to our old friend, denial. I thought if I didn't see him on Skype, or hear his stories, and basically hid from reality.. Then it wouldn't be real. Of course Cookie didn't have cancer, what an absolutely awful thing to say! He was full of health and life. And that was my depiction of my love. On the other side of the globe however, he was fading away as the days passed. His health improved slightly and then went down. Like that, without knowing it - I was on a roller-coaster journey of emotions of learning how to deal with knowing that he just was not getting better. I decided to then, turn to my other good friend - pain. Yes. Denial and pain are a match made in heaven, and I decided that it was the correct mix for me. 

I started getting really bad pains in my shoulder, neck, arm, elbow, wrist and fingers. On the left side. It was non-stop. It would pretty much make me grumpy, sad and frustrated all day long. What a great time my husband must have had with his wife. Alas, my body showed me deep signs of grief, denial and not being able to cope with anything. Literally, anything. I started working earlier this year, through sheer desperation of a combination of things. I won't disclose those things. But let's just say, I took the first job I was offered. That job happened to be in a great university. However, I learnt pretty quickly that the job was just not made for me. It bought me unhappiness and more pain. The cycle was just getting more and more vicious. But wait, let's also add in panic attacks and anxiety, and you've got yourself something that you actually can't get out of, unless you want to.

I was spiralling quite quickly. I'd overthink, get sad, get more pain, look on google and learn that I had some awful disease, or was having a heart-attack, get scared, become really anxious, start getting panic attacks and have no sleep. And repeat. It went on like this for months. I'd try, feebly to make an effort to be happy.. But what's the use, when your heart and soul are grieving so so hard. Except, you don't want to accept it. 

I probably visited every GP in the vicinity of my house, and went to over 10 osteo-sessions. Not to forget, an MRi scan of my neck and spine. All results, of everything showed me to be 100% healthy. That, coupled with the fact that I wasn't really being myself at home with the husband, was a recipe for disaster. (Although, he was/has been amazing). Just as I decided to take steps to help myself, Cookie passed away. His passing probably caused me as much pain and misery as it did when I lost my dad. My world was centred around this fluffy man. He bought me so much joy, and taught me so much love. My heart broke in to a million pieces that day, and I still haven't managed to recover them. I couldn't let go of him.. And truth be told, I still haven't found enough courage to do so today. It's been 2 months. And I'm still finding it gut-wrenchingly difficult.

The days following his passing however, I had moments of clarity that reinforced how much I didn't want to be in that job. The job was making me really unhappy. I disliked the work, but more than that, it was not what I had signed up for. It was corporate and people were allowed to be so disrespectful and rude to me on a daily basis. Instead of being supported, I was told that we had to manage "customer service satisfaction" before anything. Walking out of the office one day, I made a decision - no one could treat me that way. I wouldn't allow it. Forget that, I wouldn't allow Sanaa to treat Sanaa that way! And just like that, I quit my job and served (literally) my 4-weeks notice. Once I made that decision, I felt so different instantly. I felt happier, lighter and so much more free. The pain and panic attacks however, still showed their faces - but not as frequently.

I've learnt that I'm a highly emotional being (thanks Captain Obvious). I have always found it hard to let go. I also underestimated how difficult it would be to move across the globe, from my family and friends. Initially, I admit, I was all hearts and stars and couldn't runaway from London quickly enough - I had enough of the city. I still don't think I could live there again, but it's where I am from. And it's definitely my first and only home-base. But, this life here - with my husband, is a wonderful one. And I am eternally grateful for him and the experiences thus far. 

In the almost year of being in Melbourne.. I've learnt more about myself than I have in many years. But, more about that later. For now, I feel like I've stabilised. I'm healthier, happier and a lot more positive than I was a few weeks ago. I still have a really long way to go - but this time, here, at home, with my new mac (yes!), my mum (double yes!), good food, love and lots and lots of words.. I think I'll heal just fine. Because.. Time, is a powerful and wonderful thing.