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"Then Love, tired of the misconceptions, finally spoke up. "I was born whole, free, without your silly qualifiers. I have never been and will never be conditional. I am Love, dammit. I am pure. I am boundless. And if you need to ask, I am the answer." - Scott Stabile

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"Yours is the light by which my spirit's born: you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars" - E. E. Cummings 

Things I learnt this year (Part 1)

Historically, I've always waited until the New Year to recap the year that's just gone by. But since 2014 is proving to be such a wonderful surprise, I thought why not change things up a bit.. And list a few things that I think I've learnt or possibly been made aware of thus far.

1. Nobody prepares you for your 20's.
You enter these ages of absolute uncertainty and so much confusion. There's so much constant change through the years that follow after you graduate. For me, personally, I felt that I was totally out of my depth. I didn't understand the working world, I didn't understand the personalities, and I most certainly had no idea how to behave around (uncomfortable) political situations. The emotional changes don't end there though.. As you suddenly find yourself in this whole new frame of mind of wanting to settle down. Yikes! (That's like going from "they have cooties" to "how do I get one" in under a minute.. Or at least it feels like that!) And when you find someone, it's learning to mesh together two worlds. It's learning so many things about yourself in so many ways, that you didn't think were possible. And for that reason, I think it should be part of some type of educational curriculum, where people are taught about this whole stage of life. Thoroughly. Expectations verus reality, and so forth.

2. Patience.
I never knew how much patience I had. I underestimated the amount I had, especially when I thought I was being pushed to my limit. I used to think that having patience was somewhat of a weak quality - as that would mean, you'd just wait for whatever event to come along, and that's it. In my head it was all a little bit "Waiting for Godot." And I hated that. It was only when one day I sat, and understood the meaning of patience, I realised what an immensely powerful quality it is to have. It keeps you grounded and allows you to accept that, when the time is right, things will fall in to place. Although at times I've hated the idea of patience, and have used curse words against it. But, nevertheless, I'm glad that I've got the ability to bring myself back to it when I need it the most.

3. Forgiveness is essential.

This year, I practised a lot of forgiveness. The past is such a huge part of our dis-eases and our negative thoughts. After dissolving some of the "bad stuff" from the past, I felt renewed almost. I talked about this in my blog, earlier this year. I think it's a constant process. There are always new things that pop up, that remind me that it's something that needs attending to. Forgiveness, you see - allows you to be free. It lets you give the past a rest, and lets you breathe in the day you're in, and enjoy it fully. Forgiveness is hardly ever for another person, it's always for you. It's a form of cathartic release, and it should be practised as often as possible.

4. Making mistakes isn't bad.

I've always had an issue with making mistakes. I've been almost scared and reluctant to make mistakes in the past. In fact I still feel some anxiety at times. But what was necessary for me to learn, was that it's totally fine to make mistakes. In fact, making mistakes teaches you to be more human, and allows you to see the world differently. Mistakes are small little lessons - learn them, forgive yourself, and move on. Next time, you'll know exactly how to deal with similar situations. It's teaching you to be an expert, really.

5. Everything we go through has a bigger purpose.

And sometimes.. We can go decades without understanding why a certain event took place. But eventually, everything makes sense - and everything fits, almost like a completed jigsaw puzzle. You'll realise why that person "broke" your heart, or why you failed that course, and why you never got together with that friend of yours, for many years, etc. All these events cluster together to teach you something - and to bring you to something better. That's all you have to know - there's a bigger reason as to why you have to endure some not so nice things, some painful and other difficult events. 

6. Have a little faith.

Whatever your religion, whatever your inner beliefs - know that there's a God who is always looking out for you, and guiding you. Talk to him often, express gratitude, sadness, happiness, fear, and whatever else you want. He's always going to be there - and he knows you. Faith can stem from anywhere - it doesn't need to be from a religion, as it comes from a deep and emotional place within yourself. Your relationship with God is personal, and its one of the most purest and most loving. Always go back to your faith when you feel like you're faltering a little. A prayer, any time in the day, can calm you down and make you feel reassured. Faith is imperative. 

7. Miracles happen daily.

If you're open to it - miracles happen everyday. They can be small things or big, huge ones. Always be open and willing to accept such goodness in to your life - and like that, you'll appreciate everyday that passes and recognise everything that works. Even the things you feel aren't working, are actually working in their own wonderful way. Be grateful, and more good things will happen.

8. Crying is fine.

This year - I've cried a lot. I've cried in front of people I never thought I would. At first I was so aware of my emotions, but now, I accept them wherever and whenever they pop up. I could be in the middle of a crowded station and feel totally overwhelmed by something, have a little cry and not feel shy about it. It's good to release emotions in a healthy manner, and having a small or a big cry can revitalise you instantly (or a few hours later). Sometimes, you talk yourself through the thoughts you're having that are making you feel sad, and once you cry yourself through them, you come to the conclusion that actually, things aren't that bad. You feel like you can face anything after a good sob. It's definitely not a sign of weakness or vulnerability. It reminds you to take a pause, gather yourself and attend to whatever it is, a little differently.

9. Love.

Yes. There it is again. Of course it was going to come up! 

I learnt a lot about love this year. In many forms. But most importantly, it made me realise how I feel like it's almost a purpose for me - to be in love, to see love in everything, and to always be around it. I've looked for it all my life - and I've looked for it during times where I felt so unloved by myself, by events and others in my life. When I decided to stop searching for it, and realising that love is actually everywhere (if you want to see it) - it all came to me in a rush. And now I feel like the sappiest sog out there. I feel like I'm always in love now - and I make it a point to see everything through love-hearted eyes. Oh sigh.

10. Food is a great healer.

Whether it is turmeric powder for a sore zit on your face, or a spoonful of blackstrap molasses to help with inflammation - the right type of food can heal anything from depression to bone dis-eases, and everything else in between. You just need to find what works with your body. I've not been eating well the last few weeks, but I'm aware of this - and quickly getting back to my usual eating habits that my body so desperately misses. In fact, I've noticed bad moods, foggy brained thoughts and also acne, increase in the last few weeks. Food, is my go to place whenever I feel something isn't right. 

And lastly - it's okay to be anxious, imbalanced and a little scared when there are changes taking place. It's the fear of the unknown, but really, there's nothing to fear. Life is wonderful, things unfold as they are supposed to - for you. And most of all, never compare or judge yourself or others around you. Your story is yours to love, and it's just as blessed as everyone else's. 

.. Until part 2!

Oh, and a good song to wrap up thoughts.

Winter is Coming

"Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home"

For the sap in me, I couldn't be happier to note that I can feel winter fast approaching. I love that the days get darker quickly, and that there's so much more to enjoy with the stars in the sky and the cold, crisp air to inhale. It's pure magic.

Don't get me started on the first snow fall of the season either.. Uff, it's something else. Waking up in the middle of the night and seeing a gorgeous layer of white settle on the roofs and the grass - where everything is beautifully still. Not a person in sight, and not a footprint on the fresh snow. And not to forget that moment when you walk out of the door in the morning and slowly crunch the snow below your boots. I think I'm actually falling in love while I type this.

I fell out of love with London a while ago - the magic I used to feel in and around the city's streets is now sadly, nothing special. However, the moment winter reveals itself, it's almost as though the people, the streets and the atmosphere has a sudden change. It's a warm and welcome change of being cosy in warm coats and scarves, and walking around town with your most loved. There could be nothing better, to be honest. It's the season of hot chocolate, mince pies and festive teas all over. Colours like green and red are everywhere and everyone just seems so much happier. 

So winter.. I wait for you patiently. I cannot wait to show you all the love I feel for you! And I suspect this winter will be the most special one yet. 

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"They were from two different worlds. Two entirely different people. But upon their coming together, they created- they found- their own path and together they had their own world and in their own world, they were the same. Everyone else outside of it- everyone else was over there. Away. And they together- they together were here. They were right here. They were the same." - Joy Bell 

 

A Connection

I am fascinated by the way we work, if that wasn't already very apparent. This is actually quite new, as before, I only ever found animals fascinating.. And would never really think that much about humans. I know, what a strange statement to make. But it's not really strange, as it was a connection I was missing. 

I've always been very connected to animals. I find them so pure, so intelligent and wise. I love animals, and I've always put them above humans. I possibly get more affected when my cat is sick than when a person is. I've also, on numerous occasions, had fights with people (and stopped communication with them) due to comments made towards animals. Yes, I'm that involved.

Over the recent weeks, I've experienced some intense connections with people. Be it someone I know, or somebody who I'm just meeting for the first time. I find that there are people whom we cross paths with, that are going through similar events as myself.. And somehow you'll meet each other at moments when you least expect it, but need it the most. Your soul guides you to find answers to those questions you have inside - the answers, always lay within us, but often times, we need that push, that spark or that nudge that someone else can give us, just at the right time.

The other day, I met someone who I have known since I was very young. We've travelled together, we've met often and have shared many experiences together as well. For our entire lives, we've never bonded other than the aforementioned times - and even so, we only bonded very superficially. It was not until recently where we sat down and chatted for a long time. During the time we spent together, we uncovered so many details about the other - and it was lovely. The strangest, or shall I say, the most wonderful part about this was - that we were simultaneously going through similar events in our lives. It felt really refreshing, calming and sort of exciting to share these stories. We are of course two individuals, and have our own theories and ideas on our situations, but the essence of it all, was so similar. It was oddly comforting.

I have felt these types of sporadic connections with people before as well. And, it's always with people whom I've not spoken to for a while, or have had no closeness with before. No matter where I am in my journey, and I speak with them - I find that they have imparted some wisdom of theirs to me. Like that, I start pondering and fixing things in my own soul and my path that need to be adjusted.

Connections with another soul are so wonderful. They can last anywhere from a few minutes to a lifetime. When you find these connections, always ask yourself what question they're helping you solve. What is it that you're connecting over? 

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"You're the author of your own book.. And it's time for a dramatic plot twist!"

- Leeza Gibbons

Together

I remember a time when I was so against love and relationships, that I took the effort to not think about it daily. Yes, I was actually that revolted by the idea of falling in love, that I felt it was totally and utterly pointless to waste my brain space on that.

Forward to present times, and that's one of the forefront things on my mind all the time. I am a very affectionate person, and when I feel excessive amounts of affection towards somebody, I show it very obviously. I can't hide it. And even if I tried, I'd probably give it away some how (yes, I am sadly that person). If my soul clicks with another, I am instantly drawn to that person, and I am committed wholeheartedly for whatever journey we are to take together. This is true for all relationships. 

As we all know, I find love to be one of the most encapsulating, most expressive and deep-rooted emotions one could feel. And I strongly believe that whenever you feel that way for someone, you sit and do everything you possibly can to make sure you find a way together - to wherever it is you want to go.

It's that key word of being "together" when in love. And by that I mean, supporting one another, being on the same wavelength about various "big" things, and being connected on  an intense and personal level. It's also about going through the very hard, the really painful and sometimes unpleasant events and decisions that arise - in the most elegant and calm way possible. 

Obviously timing plays a massive part of any story. When timing is right, everything falls in to place. You have to trust and have strong faith that your story is unfolding as it is meant to, perhaps not at your speed, but it's exactly as it should be. Believe in that strongly, when you're on any path and feeling lost or impatient. It's when we get ahead of ourselves and worry about the crazy big future that isn't even in view, we lose sense of our story and our love for that story.

I think the worst thing we could do is forget why we fell in love in the first place. And I see that so often around me. Whether it's with couples who have been married for years, or couples who are just a year or two in to their relationship. It's quite saddening really, and I think that focus, that moment where you felt "this man/woman completes me" should always be remembered. It should be your "restore" function when things seem a little haphazard. 

Also, take risks. Lots and lots of risks. Risks are actually the only way you break barriers - not only the ones you've created within yourself, but also those that others have built. Barriers are built through years of fears, and fears, as we've established are just insecurities that arise when we don't trust ourselves and the flow of life. And well, fears are best dealt with love. See! It always comes back to love. :D

I feel that when you're in a relationship - you're in it for everything you've got. You love the truth about the person you're with. The entire truth, in a way that you'd never change who they are. Many times, people get in to situations like that in hopes of changing the person they are with, because they feel they have that power to do so. They feel that something is not quite right, and "tweaking" their personalities could help the relationship. That my dear, is not unconditionally loving someone. It is in fact, quite selfish.

Love that awakens the soul, is one that is rooted in the celebration of each other's freedom to be who they are, and to accept any changes that come along the way. You can't change another person - it's not how it works. You inspire each other to become better, surely, and you'll also learn new things from each other. But this is not forceful change. Whatever their quirks are, whatever their ways of doing certain things are, their imperfections is what makes them incredibly fascinating and unique. It's all very simple really - your soul guides you to what it needs, and when it finds it, you'll know instantly.

To me - worldly objects, material things, and money don't mean much. I can wear the same clothes for years without caring for fashion trends and so forth. But for me, love, transcendences everything. It's what my soul knows automatically. It only speaks in variations of love, and that's how I know it is for me. 

So, love with your entirety. There's no sense in holding back.

A song, after a long while!

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"You're dangerous"

 "Why?" 

 "Because you make me believe in the impossible"

Sixty

Often times we put those who left our world, on a pedestal. We remember them in a magical way, and sometimes even yearn to believe that certain events which never included them, happened. It's a coping mechanism and it makes sense. What we forget however, is that they were human too. And being human means stumbling, falling, tripping and even crashing as we journey on our chosen paths. 

My dad was human. And that took me a long time to understand. Naturally, he was the main male influence in my life, and after he passed, his memories and what I unfolded about him served as a reminder of what he would have approved of and what he wouldn't have liked. I tried to follow closely by what advice he gave to my sisters when it came to education and career aspirations. However, what I learnt was, even he made mistakes sometimes - be it in giving advice, or judgements about people. And that's not a bad thing at all.. In fact, his imperfections made me admire him even more. It was lifting that veil of him being totally untouchable and incredibly perfect - to a more human man. That took me a very long time to achieve, if I'm honest. It took me a long time because I didn't want to uncover something about him which would make me think differently about him. I didn't want to be upset or angry. My want for getting to know him better however, weighed more and so I followed my gut and started asking questions about him.

The questions I asked weren't just to do with his achievements as a brother, son, father, husband and other roles he played. I asked about the way he solved problems, and how those problems were created. I asked about why they happened, and how involved he was in them. It made me feel like it was completely okay to stumble once in a while, but it also reminded me of the great strength him and my mum both had to steer through the various obstacles that faced them - individually and as a couple. 

My dad had a good heart. A heart that was helpful, loving, affectionate, passionate, intelligent, charming and charitable. Underneath the layers of what he was like to us as a father, and as a husband to my mother, he was a deep thinker and actually, a bit of a free spirit. When his friends tell me stories of what they did and what they talked about, one thing they'd always remember about my dad was that he'd always manage to sit in silence, even if for a few minutes. There are old pictures of him, sitting and looking in another direction, gazing in to something unknown to us. There are very few people who knew what he was really like. It was hard to understand him completely, because his thoughts and ideas stemmed from a whole other universal level. And that made me even more certain that he was extraordinary.

My mum and various others have told me on several occasions said that there are things I do or say or things that happen to me that remind them of my dad. I have been told that sometimes my ideas, thoughts and attitude towards a situation bear similarities with his. Of course, that's one of the highest compliments someone can pay me - for they can see habits he had, in me. 

As I grow older, I feel like the picture I have of him is becoming more and more succinct. I can almost see his thought processes and what he thought about life, love, work and travel. I feel more connected - and that's been a gift I cherish so deeply. He is now, no longer just a tall and protective magician I once thought he was. 

Today would have marked his 60th birthday. Although I don't care much for birthdays, I feel that the big six-O is a big deal. I recall some of the plans he jokingly made for his future with my mum - they included riding on a Harley, with my mum at the back - both in leather jackets, travelling the world together. Now of course the Harley was probably more a classy Jaguar, and the leather jacket for him, a cigar. His plans were simple - they weren't extravagant or materialistic. He wasn't that type of person. He definitely enjoyed the finer things in life - but he was never more happier than in his homely pyjamas, unshaven, lounging on a sofa, watching some long philosophical movie, and chomping his way through various (chicken) snacks. 

A few days before he passed, I remember he stayed up till very late in my sister's room, going through houses upon houses in the UK on her computer. Naturally, he had known that his time was coming to an end, and he was trying to secure something for us - due to the urgency yet calmness on his face. He told me that he may be buying a house for all of us in the UK - and so he was gauging price ranges and area information. I didn't understand any of that. They seemed like such big, important plans. Plans that a man who has his life together, would make. He used words like "mortgage" and "finances" and really that's where my interest ended. I gave him a hug good night, and told him I'd be going to bed. It was comforting knowing that beyond the wall right next to my bed, my protector was there to chase the demons away. And just like that, I fell in to a deep and warm slumber. 

Being a parent, I realise - is difficult. Being a father is difficult because you're always being pulled in all directions - paying careful attention that you give time to your children, as well as their lives and the various connections they're making. I can only imagine my dad's reaction to my wanting to settle down - I think he'd have felt old. He'd probably sit down to interrogate Mr Sanaa to no end. Trying to be scary, but friendly at the same time. Gauging Mr Sanaa's expressions, intelligence and personality and wondering whether he could bring me the happiness, appreciation and stability I needed. Although I think Mr Sanaa would pass all stages of interrogation.. As I would have prepared him well! 

In loving and warm memory of the most charismatic, inspiring and grounded man I have the pleasure of calling my father. 

Happy 60th old man. Snigger.

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"There is freedom waiting for you, on the breezes of the sky, and you ask "what if I fall?" Oh, but my darling.. What if you fly?" - Erin Hanson

A Year From Now

This time last year, I remember thinking "I wonder what I'll be doing a year from now." I tried to envision what types of things would have happened in the year ahead. I wondered, would I have changed jobs again? Would I have travelled to some place new and exciting? Would I be living in another country? Would I be in love? Oh my god, would I be marrying Benedict Cumberbatch? 

August 2013 was spent in going to and from a massive amount of weddings and other marriage functions. I remember being in the car (my beautiful, small amazing car which I sold earlier this year. Poor Fabio!) in my shalwar kameez and high heels (although I'd wear trainers for driving. Keeping it real yo) a lot. Half the time I didn't know whose wedding I was at, and whether we were invited from the groom or the bride's side. And oh, the amount of wedding food eaten last year was just unreal - I was eating butter chicken, mattar paneer (Indian cottage cheese with peas) and biryani on a weekly basis. Along with eating food, the other thing I was asked to do was take many pictures.. Of myself.. From different angles.. With different smiles plastered on my face. Yes, I'm talking about matrimonial photographs. Let me tell you, I learnt a few things about how to pose like a woman and also stand un-awkwardly next to various wall displays, trying not to look like a tower in my heels. The only highlight of the wedding season was that I got to realise that I actually enjoyed dressing up for a few hours. Even more than that, I loved the feeling of getting in to my pyjamas after a long evening of looking sophisticated. (I'm actually smiling at the thought of being in my pyjamas.. Whilst in my pyjamas).

The whole rishta (formal familial proposals that never went beyond the stage of me talking to a random man) stage of things started to really wind down after August for me. I decided to take a step back from it all because well, it was frankly not my cup of tea - at all. I let go of all those ideas that surrounded the topic of marriage, and I realised that I was so utterly put off by the idea of meeting any more men who claimed to be "well travelled, open minded and honest" that I couldn't read another email, have another awkward phone conversation or pretend to enjoy a cup of coffee with someone I felt so disconnected with. It was so difficult meeting so many new people so often, and having to talk about the same things over and over. It was inorganic and forced. And hence, one of the wisest decisions I made a year ago was to just let things be in this matter. I knew that when the time was right I would bump in to someone for the last time, and that was a comforting thought.

I also remember booking my tickets to Dubai as well in early August - thinking "I wonder what I'll do there, and who I'll meet".. I told a few close friends I was coming, and decided that I needed, more than ever, to just have some time off. I think booking that ticket was one of the best things I ever did. I didn't think I'd make it to Dubai, especially since the wedding I was going there for had been moved to London, and also the fact that I had splashed out going to Toronto earlier in the year. But, things just have a way of working out - I've found. And of course, it was one of the best times I've had. 

One of the most fascinating things I recognised was that in a year, you can lose and gain so many relationships. People who weren't that involved in your life, suddenly become those that you can't see yourself without. Whilst those you were very close to, have taken a back seat. I have to say, I'm totally happily surprised and eternally blessed to see who I have in my life now. I am definitely of the thought that the best types of relationships are those you never expected. I've always said that I was a fan of spontaneity! :D

Now of course you all know the types of adventures I've been on since August 2013. I have to say that this year has been very kind to me so far, and I think it'll only get warmer and more loving. I told you, 2014 is mine. So is 2015 by the way. I foresee many wonderful things unfolding for me in the coming months - in all shapes or forms. 

So now, I ask myself these vital questions - where will I be a year from now? Will I have taken a few leaps of faith? Will I be happier? Will I be a better person? And most importantly.. Will I have done everything with love?

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"So, it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me.. Everyday."

- Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook)

 

Head Space vs. Heart Space

I've long wondered what the difference between doing something from your head space and heart space was. I'd often get told, when I was stuck in a pickle that I'd need to get in to my "heart space" and let the answers unfold from there. My reaction was similar to yours, confusion and total bewilderment at the idea that I could actually make a decision from another place but from my brain. My wonderful, complex and totally erratic-ly unique brain.

Leaving the head space is easy. It's directing all your decisions to your gut and what you feel is best for you at that moment. When the head gets involved, it becomes a longer, more complicated and definitely tiring process. There's a lot of thinking involved. And since I've talked about the over-thinking in my last few blog posts, I think I found it a little harder to understand the concept even more. I mean do you just turn your brain off? Is there a switch? And what really happens in your heart space? And more importantly how do I get there?

As we know - the brain is a decision making unit. It's like a processing machine. It needs to convert the data it receives in to either positive or negative conclusions. It's actually quite a powerful piece of equipment we all have, yet we seldom sit down to rewire it and just spend our lives agreeing to the perceptions it creates for us.

Your head space is built in a way to be one dimensional, to resist change, to be fearful of the new and unknown, to worry and most of the time, to draw on past experiences and worry for the future, to doubt, to make you feel that there's only one solution to a problem and so forth. Now this is the type of head space most of us are in all of our lives. We become so accustomed to living through these ideas that stepping outside of this space is totally "no go zone".

In contrast, the heart space is a space of endless possibilities. There is always more than a single way to look for a solution. The resistance to change doesn't exist - the focus is always on the present. It is a multidimensional space, where the unknown is ventured in to with arms wide open and where doubts turn in to curiosity.

Now in order to function on this planet, and in our jobs on a daily basis - there needs to be a balance set up between the head and heart spaces. I mean you can't really walk in to an interview and say "well, I don't use my head at all" - although they'll laugh at your apparent sense of humour, you won't be called in for a second interview. It's knowing when to retreat to each space depending on what is needed from you at that given moment, especially at the beginning. My head space, for instance, is becoming much calmer and much more wise than it ever has been.

I've found that in recent weeks, the heart-head space balance is actually not that hard to achieve. It's obviously different for every being, but when you start creating a more balanced approach to living, and seeing the world around you, you start to feel almost giddy on a daily basis. For me, the heart and head spaces are actually becoming one and the same space slowly - they're almost living harmoniously (with a few bits to tailor). As I've begun rewiring some of the toxic thought processes I had, I find myself already feeling calmer and stopping myself from creating any more chaos or negativity in general.

I think if I continue down this path of balance, I'll be completely worry-free (about the past, present and future, extended future and so forth) in no time. Starting out is always much harder - there are times where I felt this was all total non-sense. I mean how can you say that rewiring your brain with positive thoughts will change your life? That's dumb bruv. But once you open yourself up a little, and start peeking at the magnificence that is you, everything sort of comes full-circle in making you realise that the space you are in is totally unbelievable. And then you can call your space anything you want (if you want) - head, heart, foot, Sanaa (sort of copyrighted/trademarked from the day I was born. Soz), love.. etc.

For now, wherever I am - whatever balance I have created, I am totally in love with it. I appreciate all my quirky moments and even the variety of freak-outs I still have about myself and my life. For I finally know and believe that everything is working out for my highest good. And out of all my situations, only good will come. I am finally starting to feel that where I am headed is actually not that far, and every positive change I make, lets me connect with that big picture even more deeply. AT LAST! (Rejoice, party, throw your hands in the air like you just don't care.. etc.)

And finally - just remember one thing - the heart never leads you astray. It's got far too much love pouring out of it to do that. So trust in yourself a little (a lot), and tap inside and let the goodness flow! I promise you, it's a totally wonderful feeling!

Here's a song I'm a bit addicted to!

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"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play "goes on" and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"

Wherever you are, and whatever you do.. Be in Love.

Miracles have been happening everywhere. I have noticed small but distinct things unfold right in front of me. Whether it's a conversation with someone who was previously unknown to me, or finding out something new "by chance", it's all been completely wonderful. I've also realised that these miracles have been there in front of me, all along. Thing is, I never noticed certain individuals, or absorbed the words I was putting out there through my blog, or to the universe in general. I was simply, in deep sleep. And now that I've finally opened my eyes, I'm finding that every day there's a small miracle that shows me how wonderful things actually are. It's in that moment of wholeness, do you realise how much you've been missing.

Since my last long post, I took a few days to really work on myself more than I had been. I pretty much cranked up everything I was doing, and delving in to the deep end with all my various issues. I saw those patterns of destruct within me, and I felt quite imbalanced. It was basically time to just renew myself. Almost like going to a spa. Coming out rejuvenated at the other end. Except this wasn't expensive, and I wasn't sharing the jacuzzi with some old ladies. This was my own spa. I built rooms of therapy, each room filled with "big things" that needed to be treated, for instance - my inability to be totally happy about something I love, due to feeling scared that it won't last. Some rooms had more than one big thing inside, whilst others had just one, very very large big thing. As I made my way through each room, I analysed where these issues had stemmed from. I thought of various therapies I could give myself - maybe a nice aromatherapy massage to calm down the nerves, or a green tea infused steam to settle the heated thoughts. No, that's not what I needed, for those are only temporary answers to a long term problem. I waited for a few moments, stood in the corridor of my spa and took a few breaths. The answer came almost instantly. Love. That's what I needed. I needed to use love to dissolve all the "big things" that have been building over the years.

Several days passed and I saw the substantial change in my thought patterns. I'm still not where I need to be, but the direction I am heading makes me feel positive to know that I am finally surrounding myself and growing in love. It's no longer tainted or dark. And that, feels so wonderful.

The funny thing is - we never actually understand how simple the solutions are to inner turmoil. We always think it's much bigger than we could fathom, much farther than we can climb to, and harder than we can bear. Just being open to this type of change can turn your world down upside within moments.

I know I harp on about love a lot - but there are so many types of love you can have in your life and that you can experience - it can take you places in an instant. It's one of the best feelings in the world, I think - when you finally let it all in completely. And I'm not only talking about love to yourself, but love that you share with another soul as well.

This year so far, has been one of the most loving, most cherishing and totally encapsulating year I have had the pleasure to witness in forever. I have a slight feeling that this is only the beginning. And what a thrilling thought that is!

Quote

"My face hurts from how much you make me laugh"

Candid

"This positivity stuff is hard work!" I told myself a few days ago. I am so determined to make better changes in myself all the time, to not be the negative and cynical person I once was. It's actually a deep rooted fear of mine - that I'll somehow return to negative ways. I feel that there's a better version of me out there and I need to get to it as quickly as possible. But that's incorrect. That's almost abusive to the me here in the present. Because I am the best version of myself for every day that passes, yet I never stop to appreciate that. And that's when it hit me - I have this self-pressurising problem. And on top of that, I'm a "future-worrier".. What is a future-worrier you ask? Well, let me tell you.

A future-worrier is someone who is unable to enjoy the day, the hour and the moment they are in today. They're always searching for something else - usually not in the present. Whatever they want is in the future - in that open space that is totally unknown to us. 

I remember telling myself the other day "I really want to learn how to do this new activity. I know, I'll do it after this other event takes place, because I'll be happier by then." I had to stop walking at that moment. And take a deep breath, and try not to get annoyed at myself. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we constantly sit and wait for tomorrow when today is happening as we breathe. I don't understand it. I don't understand myself, more importantly.

It comes down to the fact that I actually don't know how to fully live in the moment. I talk about it a lot, and I want to know how to do it completely - but I simply do not right now. My brain, which is programmed to be the logical and the rational entity within me - tells me that I have to plan for safety. And the future, which is an unknown space, isn't safe. Therefore I have to worry about it. And then worry some more - and then eventually it's 12AM and I've lost a day in the "tomorrow I'll do this".. And I'm left thinking, "what the hell did I do today?" Being a future-worrier is the worst job on this planet. Let me tell you that! And you don't even get paid for it - because guess who employed you? You! And it doesn't even look good on a CV!

Now that I've realised this - I'm in the early stages of learning how to fix it. Because if there's one thing I have strong faith in - it is that, there's always a solution. And the answers are always within me. I am already so well equipped to deal with everything that comes my way, I just forget to sharpen those tools every now and then. What a great thought though - we are the plumbers, the carpenters and the healers in our lives. We don't need to outsource any of these jobs to anyone else. The answer never lies in another person. They can of course be there to support you, but ultimately - you are the fixer. And you're bloody good at it!

I've learnt something very simple about the future - it hasn't happened yet. And it's probably not as bad as I'm foreseeing it to be. In fact, it never is. I look back on events that I feared before they happened, and the funniest thing is - they were always so much more chilled out than I had expected. After those events were over, I recall thinking to myself "well, that was a whole lot of wasted energy for nothing."

Another symptom of being a future-worrier is over-thinking. I'm actually pretty good at that. In fact, I've given myself paper medals to show how wonderful I am at it. I can over think a situation in to oblivion any day. I am usually at least 50 or more steps ahead of someone when they're talking about something. And that is because I've reached a conclusion before they've even sussed out the beginning. And mind you, the conclusions are hardly ever happy or simple. I tend to complicate things before they've happened. It has to be a talent.

Now, enough berating myself and on to the important stuff. It was hard coming to the realisation that I am all of these things. I have more cracks and faults than I can count. But at the same time, it's never too late to change. The first step is always accepting one's truth. It's actually easier after that. Because you start to make small changes, and once you taste those small rewards, you just want to bite off a chunk and relish the goodness of everything else that follows.

This journey I am on is wonderful. It's made me realise so much about myself in such a short space of time. For one - I never knew that all that moving around I did whilst growing up affected me so deeply. Although they will always be some of the greatest experiences I've ever had - and I'm ever thankful for them - it is only now that I see what the after effects of it were. For instance - I constantly searched for that feeling of "home".. I always talked about it, and always craved for it. Home for me isn't only a place to live - but it's the person or people who are part of your surrounding. It's a deeper connection with the soul or souls around you, where there is an abundance of love and affection you share and you feel totally covered in warmth and comfort at all times. I know now what it feels like, having witnessed it.. And let me tell you, the years of craving it were totally worth it.

The other thing I've learnt is that I'm actually terribly harsh on myself. In fact, we all are. In a day, the amount of times I refer to myself as a "sausage" or an "idiot" and so forth, is actually unreal. It's possibly every other word. Now although I'm saying it jokingly - the universe is taking it literally. And so is my brain. And well if I'm a sausage, then I'll do more sausagey things as the day passes, because I've reaffirmed that to myself over and over. It's a cycle that needs to stop. I'm actually a very creative individual - and calling myself silly names throughout the day will only create more resistance within me for becoming a better person.

On a more deeper level, I always tell myself that I'm behaving or reacting incorrectly when something unpredictable happens. I'm sadly, not very kind to myself. I use harsh tones and words and almost talk to myself like a parent would, whilst scolding a child. It's like I'm still mad at my younger self for the various things she did. I am still in the process of forgiving my past self. But I'm definitely moving forward. I feel a little bit more loving towards her, and may give her a hug soon, for she was never at fault for the ways she reacted to all the events that unfolded for her. She did the best she could. And for that, I appreciate her wholeheartedly now.

Fears, of any kind are a deeper manifestation of how much you trust and love yourself. The more you are unable to trust yourself, the more you will feel that you're incapable of dealing with what lies or will lay before you. Anxieties and worries form from fears because you believe that you're not worthy of whatever is unfolding in front of you.. Especially if it's good. The better the situation, the higher the fear because you're afraid of it slipping away from you. And when you feel that way, you want to immediately take it all in so that you don't lose it. It's what the books call having a "fear of loss." Those fears, in my eyes are the hardest to deal with. But once you get past those.. The rest are really easy to dissolve. 

It's important to remember in your journey that you are not what has happened to you. Don't let yourself be defined by your past and your fears. And don't put faith in those fears. You have the choice to become whoever you want to be, whenever you choose to be. It's just about making a small amount of effort. 

Change is good for the skin.

On that note - here is a brand new (favourite) song.

Quote

"I knew, when I met you.. An adventure was going to happen"

                                           - A.A. Milne

Quote (Major Swoon)

Paige: I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not, to agree to disagree on red velvet cake, and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home. 

Leo: I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love. And to always know in the deepest part of my soul that no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find our way back to each other.

                                                                                                         - The Vow 

"The Past is Always Tense.. The Future, Perfect"

Recently I've had a really hard time battling emotions, experiences and other reference points from my past. Now as you know, I generally keep a low profile, a happy and positive outlook as much as possible and try and make every day count towards a more content life.

The thing about the past is that it creeps up on you when you least expect it. Which is strange because I'm a firm believer of keeping those types of things locked somewhere without easy access. The past is there for a reason - to learn from. I dislike looking back too much, because that would cause regrets. I totally loathe it. And I feel totally uneasy about regrets, and don't believe in having many. It makes me nervous and it brings no good feelings most of the time. You see, digging in to your past is fine if you are remembering some good memories and are sharing them to gain a happy-nostalgic feeling (although this should not be overdone either!). What I find however, is that, people tend to look in to their past to remember how difficult a certain phase was for them (I find that older aunties etc, seem to be more in to this type of thing. Where they talk about hard times that they faced. There's so much hurt, bitterness and hardships that they endured, that it's understandable. But it's so damaging to constantly remember how painful things were. It's tiring. And it keeps you so closely attached to a sad part of you). And I am guilty of this on several occasions too, mind. But as humans - we have this inability to just accept our past for what it was. We can't change it. It's happened, it's there, there may be scars from it to remind you of those experiences - but that's it. That's their purpose. To remind you that you went through several storms and had turbulent moments, but that the future is completely free of any negative presumptions or nastiness. It's brand new. And that, my fellow readers is such a wonderful thought. 

(Warning: this is going to sound totally, irrevocably insane on so many levels.) My problems arose when I realised that the situation I've been in for the last month or so had been one of significant wonderfulness. It was free of any negativity, and anything vicious. It was built on pure love, calmness and ease. It was then, that my entire brain exploded with the insane awfulness of a similar situation I had been in, a few years prior. So what did I do? Well, I started recalling how unhappy and unstable I felt - along with how difficult the situation was. I recall only very bad things about this as it is (and actually haven't thought about it in grave detail for a very long time), and I remember it being one of the worst things I had to endure. It was a time of complete inner turmoil, and detachment from so many emotions and it was frankly, unpretty. In fact, I used to write very dark posts on my blog at the time, vague ones (obviously) in order to communicate how broken I felt.

Wow, such strong, negative words right there. Gross.

Fast forward to the last few weeks and what do I see? Happiness. Complete and utter, unfiltered happiness. And my entire being freaks out. "How can this be normal?", "why isn't this as hard as I remember?", "It was so utterly dark and spiral-ey!".. And like that, with all my twitty self, I almost became that very sad person I was a few years ago, with the same fears and the same doubts. It was literally, that easy. A few past references caught up with my brain, I let them in, and voila, I got myself in to a nice oily pickle all by myself. And it wasn't even tasty. 

What I should have done is, revelled and bathed myself in the intense happiness and normality of a brilliant situation, and the moment I felt Past Sanaa peek through to me, I should have just told her to go find a big lemon and suck it, really. Instead, I let her in, in fact, I welcomed her in - even gave her a bed and warm pj's to wear. She almost made a home, and thankfully Present Sanaa realised what a ridiculous situation this was, and told Past Sanaa to, well, take a hike. Far away. In fact she gave her directions to get lost.  

To be honest, in hindsight, there was never a real reason for me to have such a massive freak out. But hey, at least I've learnt a valuable lesson now - there's no point in living in past experiences for present amazingness, and pre-empting future disasters. And believe me, no one better than yourself can create those disasters. It's all in the way you work with your mind, and accept the good that is coming your way - and only hope for more good to encircle your presence in the future. The choice, is easy. It's just hard to set your mind up like that, because we are so accustomed to being impatient pessimistic drones. We fear the unknown that is our future, and the only way to go in to it, is with all that baggage. It's to reinforce to yourself that you are "well-equipped" for any "bad things" that are coming your way. Except we never "prepare" ourselves for the total greatness that is waiting for us ahead. 

Here's to a lighter, happier and more chilled out tomorrow. And all of the tomorrow's that follow. 

A song.

Quote

“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.”

- A.A. Milne

This Covers Everything

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?" 
"Nothing" said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you.”

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I know I've been putting up a lot of quotes since this year began. The reason is, I've been reading a lot more and therefore I come across some of the wonderfully written sentences and paragraphs I've ever witnessed. Perhaps I'm more aware and appreciative of said words now than I have been in the past, I don't know.. But I do enjoy them, and some of them seem to stick in my mind for a very very long while.

“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”
I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way. Let our scars fall in love.” 

 - Galway Kinnell 

Three Double Zero

This is my Eighth Year of blogging. That's a bit crazy. And it's also my 300th post! Which is doubly crazy. Especially since, more than 300 days have passed in the last 8 years (ie - I haven't blogged every day of every year). Although I like the relationship I have with my writing and my frequency of posting. 

In the early days of my blog - access was private. Only a select few had the (dis)pleasure of reading my rants on various things, and of course my inarticulate way of putting them across to this small audience. I'm not entirely sure when I opened the blog up to the world. But I think it made me feel a little less comfortable at first, and a lot more aware of what I was saying out there.

I've tried to be vague in most places, not divulging too much, but at the same time, pouring out my thoughts and my love for writing and all that it brings with it. It's only recently where I've noticed myself being more open and honest about what my story has been, currently is and what I hope it will turn in to. Now of course, even these thoughts and feelings are of the edited kind, but it makes me feel better knowing that they're out there as opposed to causing far too much excitement or havoc within me.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. Whenever I have felt sad, lonely or completely lost - one of my greatest releases was to write down my thoughts - to get them organised and to understand where they came from. It's one of the few ways I got to know myself better. It took me many years to understand what my thoughts were about, what these thoughts led to and what they made me feel. It's so hard to grasp on to such concepts at a younger age, especially with all sorts of changes going on in and out of your mind. There were times, I won't lie, I felt I was completely lost and therefore going insane. And when I read back on various things I've written - whether on my blog, in random pieces of papers, etc. - I get a glimpse of what I was going through at the time, and how absurd some of my thoughts and feelings were. Some were even terrifying. And to be in that state of unhappiness and deep sadness is so tiring. You miss out on so much - yet you feel there's a force that won't let you see the bright side of things. It's a dark, dark place to be. 

This blog is quite special to me - as it reflects a part of me that I would have otherwise liked to have forgotten. It stays there as a reminder of the various battles I faced, as well as some of the happy and positive times I had. And it reminds me that these things aren't meant to be forgotten, but also not overly remembered constantly (I don't want to be THAT person) - but they're meant to teach me how to become a better version of myself, and stay as grounded as possible and to have people in my life that help me in those ways. 

I also think I represent myself better with words than I do with speech. I'm always more reserved and quiet in person than I am via messaging or emails, so forth. Although even with this, I've become more open when around company I enjoy being with. The initial anxiety of being around many people and striking up conversations has passed, and now it takes only a few minutes for me to adjust before I become Miss Chatterbox. 

To end with - I love writing, I love sharing my thoughts and I've so far enjoyed sharing my stories with you. The stories that follow will be even better, I assure you. 

Here's a song. A lovely lovely song!

Twenty Six

Four years away from Thirty. That's the first thing I thought after I got my first birthday call at midnight. As that faded quickly, I sat and had a few moments to myself where I thought over the last year (as I do, every year!).. Twenty five, was spectacularly crazy. It was the age where I figured so much out, but also the most hardest - especially when it came to coming to terms with various life lessons, loss, responsibilities and the idea of love.

I was talking to a friend last night, and we both agreed that since we graduated from university until 25 - life was just really complicated and really confusing. Hormones ran high, a career seemed to be the most important thing on my mind and trying to find "the one" was a chore. It was all wrong. But it was all the wrong I had to do in order to get to the Eureka! moment I had a few months ago. 

I may not have everything figured out - there are still so many things I need to sort out and accept, but I felt that 25 was the peak of all cathartic emotions. Everything blew up and everything made sense all at the same time. Although I have to say that the start and middle of it was pretty rocky.

I'm not going to review my year. I've shared some of the thoughts already throughout the year. What I will say is that - weirdly enough, the big things I wanted to achieve when I was 25, I somehow managed to. 

I think when it's the right time, things just have a way of working out and magically falling in to place. It's the time to just indulge in the forthcoming wonderful experiences and insane amounts of happiness. Because that, my fellow readers is what 26 will be all about (and Sky Diving. Yes, it's still on my list.. 4 years later).

A quote, to complete my thoughts:

“I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I'll go to it laughing.” - Herman Melville (Moby Dick) 

At the Top

There are a few things you learn when you've experienced something new for the first time. For instance, when I visited the Grampians out in Australia - and walked up that mountain (which now I realise, after much research, wasn't as "high" as some of the others in the surrounding area! Although, I'm not going to let that burst my bubble of achievement. Hmph) and reached that breathtaking peak. There are few moments in my life that have left me speechless. This was one of them. I had absolute clarity of thought and knew that whatever I felt then, I'd follow through with. It was that crazy determination that reaches you when you're filled with all sorts of intense emotions of happiness and elation.

I've never really climbed/walked up a mountain before. And if you had asked me a year or so ago, I would have outright refused to do so in the UK (for some reason, it doesn't have the same "feeling"). I leave these things to be tried elsewhere across the globe. 

I don't consider myself a jungle bum, or a bum of any sort really. I like trying new things, and I am always open to adding more experiences to my life. I don't want to be confined to making lists and ticking off things, I've realised in the recent past. I just want to go ahead and nose dive in to whatever new things come my way (although Sky Diving, I've been stalking you for so many years now). 

I digress, as per usual. When we reached the top of the Pinnacle, there were a few thoughts that flowed through my mind. One was, that I had never felt so incredibly light and worry-free before. The other was, this is what love should feel like (and other love-esque thoughts). Completely and utterly pure and fresh without any nastiness. 

Now I speak about love a lot (according to a word count/repeat website, It's the top 5 most used word on my blog. The other four being - time, feelings, life and people. Spot on!) - and one of the things that always gets me quite irritated is when people say "you're too young still (bro, I'm 26 in a few days. That's 4 years away from 30), why do you want to get married/find someone/etc.. Enjoy your life, enjoy being single, later on you'll want this time back." It's usually married people who give me that advice. And you'd think by now I'd probably be averted from the idea of love/relationships.. Yet, I'm not. My reaction is mostly a groan. 

I never grew up with the idea of marriage being a burden or a "bad" experience. I have known it to be tough, sometimes too tough. But I've always known it as a representation of love and togetherness more than anything. Now, if I had actually thought about all the bad things I knew about relationships in general, I don't think I'd be sat here now with such optimistic thoughts. I'd be dismissive about the idea of marriage and possibly wouldn't even mention it.

However, being the sap that I am - I've always been a dreamer. And that's because I've always wanted to have that type of love for myself. I've wanted to have a relationship that was strong and filled with positivity and greatness (as opposed to frustrations and general resentment). It was the only thing I think that has remained consistent through all my trials over the last few years. In fact, it was the only thing that gave me hope for my future. There's a revelation I never made before!

When things were unbearably hard, I would go to my happy place. My happy place would be a vision of me, a couple of years down the line - with another person who was just as glad to be with me as I was to be with him. Hanging around in a log cabin (I have a fascination with these as mentioned previously) playing cards, cooking food and just really being completely free of restrictions on behaviours and traits that were otherwise held back. Simply put, just being content and happy.

I'm definitely not too young. I'm also definitely not finding "singledom" fun (I think I did when I was at uni). There are some people who the "single" life suits very well. I am not that person any more. I've been really independent and self sufficient, and have been there for myself so much the last few years. But it gets tiring to be honest, and at some point you want to talk to and share things with another person who is someone that knows you well and won't judge you for the way you are. Not only that, but you come to a stage where you're like - you know what, I've done everything alone for the last two decades, and now I'd like to do these things with another person. You also start realising that there's something missing - rather, someone. It's mostly the fact that life gets too lonely and same-y. You can change your jobs a few times, and find something "new" to go to for a while, but eventually it becomes clear that you'd love to be going home to someone whom you were counting the hours to see everyday. You see, there's no sense living without love and a companion. In fact, those most luckiest in my eyes, are those who get to share their lives with another. Understandably, it won't always be plain sailing - but even when things get rough, it's the way you meet another person's wavelength and figure things out, that will reinforce the companionship.  

I look at myself and I go, well how many more conversations can I have with myself about certain things before I actually go mad? Albeit, my advice to myself is pretty amazing - but it would be amazing if it came from someone else's mouth. 

We put so many restrictions upon ourselves in finding love I think. He should be tall, he should have a lot of money, he can't live more than an hour away from my family, he has to have at least two muscles (whatever, I dunno the actual terms) and he should be completely in awe of my amazing self. But we never stop to think what we can offer another person - and I don't mean that in a, criticise yourself type way - but surely we need to know what type of person we truly are (ie, not what we hope to be in the future, or could be.. But as we are now) in order to know how another person would handle our truth. I've always maintained that the heart and the personality of a person should be looked at before anything else. Of course, I have also at times been shallow and have thought that someone was a bit shorter than I would suit. But you know then that the person isn't right for you. Because when you do meet them, you wouldn't want to change a thing. And all those restrictions you once placed on finding the person, will suddenly no longer matter. For instance, you wouldn't care how far he lived, or how many sets of muscles he had or how much money was in his bank. All that would (or rather should) matter is what type of person he is, and whether he will take care of you and keep you happy. The rest, will fall in to place. 

Going back to my original point - when I was on top of that peak, and I felt completely moved by what I saw before me.. I was certain then, that I would never settle with love. I wouldn't marry someone out of thin air, just because it was an easy thing to do. No, I would fall in love madly and completely all at once - and it would be the most scariest most exhilarating thing I would ever witness. And just like that, I would create my own story with someone else.. And that story, will be my most favourite. 

A song - to wrap up my thoughts. 

Quote

Go after her. Don’t sit there and wait for her to call, go after her because that’s what you should do if you love someone, don’t wait for them to give you a sign cause it might never come, don’t let people happen to you, don’t let me happen to you, or her, she’s not a  television show or tornado. There are people I might have loved had they gotten on the airplane or run down the street after me or called me up drunk at four in the morning because they need to tell me right now and because they cannot regret this and I always thought I’d be the only one doing crazy things for people who would never do it back or to act like idiots or be entirely vulnerable and honest and making someone fall in love with you is easy and flying 3000 miles on four days notice because you can’t just sit there and do nothing and breathe into telephones is not everyone’s idea of love but it is the way I can recognize it because that is what I do. Go scream it and be with her in meaningful ways because that is beautiful and that is generous and that is what loving someone is, that is raw and that is unguarded, and that is all that is worth anything, really.

I left my heart in Australia

I've found home. It's not the UK. It's in amazing Australia! It's so lovely out there!! And best of all, they have Koalas! Have you seen those teddy's? They're far too cute to be left alone. I need to be there to harass them all day and all night and keep them up at night!

I felt comfortable and felt like I belonged there. There was something there. In the air perhaps. Something that felt right. I don't think I've ever felt that at home before, in such a foreign place. And by foreign I mean far away from anywhere else I've ever been.

The company, the atmosphere, the air and the gorgeous greenery everywhere was just breathtaking. I've never experienced so much love for another place as much as I did when I was out there. It took me no time at all to feel settled in the Australian way of life, and I could have easily spent a few more weeks, months, years (you get the point) there without hesitation. 

I first got to Sydney, and spent some time wandering the streets at midnight, looking for some grub. Sydney had a great charm, it was welcoming, completely multicultural (food and population wise) and parts of it were so beautiful. It took me a couple of days to actually see the Harbour, The Bridge and The Opera House. Whereas, most people would go off in search of those sights first, I went about things a bit differently and I was very happy with it. 

I also had a short trip outside of Sydney to Wollongong as well - which was incredible. The train journey was about 2 hours long, and it was one of those double-decker trains (like the ones I rode to Philadelphia from New York a couple years ago!) which excited me a lot. I obviously took a spot up on the top deck along with my friend as we caught up on each others lives. The views were gorgeous - there were luscious green forests and parks over hills and the ocean.. Oh my the ocean. It was so blue! And so utterly welcoming. 

Once we reached Wollongong, it reminded me of something off of TV - like a small Hawaiian Island, mixed with a bit of suburban San Francisco. The first thing I saw as I turned to my friend's flat was the ocean. They live right across the ocean, and so all day and night, all you can hear is the sound of the waves. You can see the sunrise and set, and just relax. I felt quite comfortable there and immediately made myself at home by cooking some (gluten-free) pasta! I met some wonderful new people there too, and I think it was the most relaxed I had been for a while. 

Back in Sydney, the first time I saw the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge was at night. It was past midnight and the walk from my apartment to the location was a lovely, breezy one. It was Friday night, so everyone was out about town and there was a great buzz all across. I felt quite safe and really enjoyed taking in all sorts of sights and smells of the city before me. When I saw the Opera House and the Bridge, I was taken aback. It was more beautiful than the pictures, and so calm and serene. There weren't any tourists or any cameras out on walks. It was just me and someone else. We took some pictures, sat along the long wall that lead to the Opera House, and had the perfect view of everything in one go. 

I spent time at the Saturday market as well, which was when I saw the Opera House in the day time. It wasn't as charming as it was the night before, when it stood there alone without the herds of people surrounding it. Nevertheless, I enjoyed my day thoroughly - as I ate my way through the various stalls of yummy Turkish Gozleme (spinach and cheese), some fresh coconut and watermelon juice and of course corn on the cob - which I took an age to finish. That market was pretty spectacular as it felt slightly familiar (only better, as it was in Australia!) and everyone was just so cheery, despite the spitty rain. 

I also stopped in Melbourne for a few days and I think I fell in love with the City as soon as it came in to view as we were landing. It was so green! Melbourne smelt different. It gave me a warmer welcome (partly because I hadn't been travelling for 2 days to get there like I did with Sydney). And love was pretty much in the air. Melbourne reminded me of nothing I had seen before. It had places and reminders of other countries and cities I had visited or lived in before, but it had it's own magic. Almost charismatic. It lured me in pretty quickly and I saw myself living there permanently very easily. 

The food and the company definitely made a difference, I think. We also drove down to Grampians, via the 12 Apostles - both of which were unbelievably astonishing to see in person. We drove over the The Great Ocean Road, and just as the name suggests, the drive was fantastic. It had mountains, greenery, the ocean, lots of bugs hitting the car screen and wonderful quaint towns along the way. I saw some surfer dudes, and I couldn't help but repeat the lines of the Turtle in Finding Nemo in my head whilst I saw them "catch some waves". There are some very stereotypical things one must do in Australia. Do the accent for one (I mastered the art of saying "look at that Snake" in a Steve Irwin type excited voice) and talk about shrimps on the barby's for a second. 

We stayed over in this amazing log cabin that was owned by an old couple. The town itself was quite eerie when we got in at night, as everything was mostly closed, there were no people about and certainly no buzz. Our cabins were situated between two mountains - one being the Pinnacle and the other, I'm not quite sure of. The town was a perfect set for those scary movies like, Cabin in the Woods, etc. But the experience was of course, far from it. I've always, always wanted to stay in one of those wooden cabins. And I was pretty blown away when I found out that it was where we'd stay for a night. There was a fireplace, some dusty sofas and a TV that we winded down to watch before hitting the bed (which was complete with an old picture frame of someone very very old, who possibly haunted the rocking chair in the corner of the room next to the long standing mirror). 

The following day.. Was simply out of this world. I climbed my first ever mountain. And by that I don't mean with ropes and all that funky stuff. I mean with my legs and sometimes arms. We climbed the Pinnacle, which is the highest Peak out there. It took about 2 hours to get up to the top. The actual climb up was a bit painful at the start, as we decided to take an alternative route via the Grand Canyon which added an extra 0.1 KM to the entire climb. Obviously no harm done.. Or so we thought until we saw some steep rocks and stairs. Plus we had full bellies. Not a bright idea before such excessive walking and climbing, may I add. It was a gorgeous warm and sunny day and I think that made a difference to how much more excited people were to reach the top. I hit a mental wall somewhere in between when I heard a passer by say that there were about 700 more "stairs" (rocks, boulders, etc) to go before reaching the top. 700 in my mind felt like a number I couldn't fathom. But as I saw little boys (literally, about 2-3 years of age) speeding pass without their parents, and not even panting half as much as I was - I kind of got this burst of energy to follow through without winging about the sickly feeling due to a heavy breakfast. 

Once we got to the top to witness those gorgeous views of the lands beyond.. Suddenly the last two hours of the climb were a distant and possibly even non-existent memory. All I wanted to do was just stay up there for a while longer and take in the most beautiful, extraordinary, astonishing views I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing. We were so far up that we could see showers in the distance, and could see clouds rolling in to various spots. Everything was oddly still. It was so cold and breezy, and there were so many couples and families that just hurdled together to have some food and relax for a bit before making their way back down. 

I think I may have a fascination of climbing developing. Especially if the end result is just so insanely magnificent! What's a few steep rocks? 

Heading out in to Australia and not seeing a Koala would have been the daftest thing I would have ever done. It was all planned so amazingly by the company I was with - so I didn't even have to think twice about creating a plan myself. I was taken to this Koala Park a little outside of Melbourne where it's one of the few places out there that allow people to pet and feed koalas and also have pictures taken at the same time. Obviously, I was ridiculously excited the moment I walked in and spotted my first Koala. It was love and addiction all at the same time. I think I smiled like an idiot for most of my time there. I possibly even giggled, like a school girl would upon seeing their crush or a boyband star. I was smitten so quickly. They're the sweetest most sleepiest teddy's ever! It was also extra special because the company I was with was also seeing Koalas that close for their first time. So the experience was doubly great.

Following on from there, we went out to the famous Philip Island where we went Go Karting. Now, my last experience of Go Karting was.. Let's just say.. Pretty sad. It was over 10 years ago, and I was quite young and had really awful motor and general awareness skills. I barely made it around one lap I think before the time ended or something really silly like that. Since, I never sat in another kart again. Until this time. I was much better. Although I did come last of a group of 13. I didn't do as bad as I thought, but I think the fact that I can now drive properly, helped a bit with steering and general awareness. It was very entertaining because the person I was with was so incredibly excited (as excited as I was with seeing Koala's probably) - it was like they had won a lottery, whilst rolling around in the finest melted chocolate and then having Persian cats come to you purring (I think this is only fascinating for me). I loved it. It makes me really happy I have realised, to see others enjoy themselves in various activities. 

On from there, we went to see the Penguins come on shore. It was so adorable. Slightly creepy as well when you see a bunch of white little flappy things move your way in massive packs, screaming at each other. But when you get over that (and the smell), it was one of the most coolest things I've ever seen! Penguins, you're awesome. At the same time of seeing this, I also witnessed my first ever moon rise, right at the ocean. I've never, ever seen the moon so big and so beautiful before. In fact, I never really think about the moon all that much. But after seeing it in all it's glory, I think I see the obsession. 

Jet lag was an issue for the first few days, but I quickly overcame it once I tired myself out through the day with so many different activities. I'm not going to divulge all of what I did, as you all know, I like to keep a few sweet things to myself and for my own memories. 

I have the travel bug in me still. And I think it want's to go back to Australia. Although to be fair, something deep within me has been calling me to Australia for so many years now. I am beyond glad and happy that I made it out there even if for a short while. I had the best time of my life, and I cannot wait to go back. In fact, I'd go back in a heartbeat if I could. The flights there are actually not too bad, if you stop over somewhere for a couple days and carry on. Make a double holiday out of it - like I did! I stopped in Dubai for a couple days, met some friends and family and jetted off again.

Australia - I love you. You're in me. You've captured me completely and I can't wait to discover what other wonders (I didn't see a single spider.. Let's see how long that lasts next time!) lie within you. You've stolen my heart. And now my mind can no longer function in British-ness. 

Until next time.

Here are some pictures to whet your appetite on what gorgeousness lives at the other side of this world (clicking the pictures will enlarge them.. I hope). Enjoy!