Candid

"This positivity stuff is hard work!" I told myself a few days ago. I am so determined to make better changes in myself all the time, to not be the negative and cynical person I once was. It's actually a deep rooted fear of mine - that I'll somehow return to negative ways. I feel that there's a better version of me out there and I need to get to it as quickly as possible. But that's incorrect. That's almost abusive to the me here in the present. Because I am the best version of myself for every day that passes, yet I never stop to appreciate that. And that's when it hit me - I have this self-pressurising problem. And on top of that, I'm a "future-worrier".. What is a future-worrier you ask? Well, let me tell you.

A future-worrier is someone who is unable to enjoy the day, the hour and the moment they are in today. They're always searching for something else - usually not in the present. Whatever they want is in the future - in that open space that is totally unknown to us. 

I remember telling myself the other day "I really want to learn how to do this new activity. I know, I'll do it after this other event takes place, because I'll be happier by then." I had to stop walking at that moment. And take a deep breath, and try not to get annoyed at myself. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we constantly sit and wait for tomorrow when today is happening as we breathe. I don't understand it. I don't understand myself, more importantly.

It comes down to the fact that I actually don't know how to fully live in the moment. I talk about it a lot, and I want to know how to do it completely - but I simply do not right now. My brain, which is programmed to be the logical and the rational entity within me - tells me that I have to plan for safety. And the future, which is an unknown space, isn't safe. Therefore I have to worry about it. And then worry some more - and then eventually it's 12AM and I've lost a day in the "tomorrow I'll do this".. And I'm left thinking, "what the hell did I do today?" Being a future-worrier is the worst job on this planet. Let me tell you that! And you don't even get paid for it - because guess who employed you? You! And it doesn't even look good on a CV!

Now that I've realised this - I'm in the early stages of learning how to fix it. Because if there's one thing I have strong faith in - it is that, there's always a solution. And the answers are always within me. I am already so well equipped to deal with everything that comes my way, I just forget to sharpen those tools every now and then. What a great thought though - we are the plumbers, the carpenters and the healers in our lives. We don't need to outsource any of these jobs to anyone else. The answer never lies in another person. They can of course be there to support you, but ultimately - you are the fixer. And you're bloody good at it!

I've learnt something very simple about the future - it hasn't happened yet. And it's probably not as bad as I'm foreseeing it to be. In fact, it never is. I look back on events that I feared before they happened, and the funniest thing is - they were always so much more chilled out than I had expected. After those events were over, I recall thinking to myself "well, that was a whole lot of wasted energy for nothing."

Another symptom of being a future-worrier is over-thinking. I'm actually pretty good at that. In fact, I've given myself paper medals to show how wonderful I am at it. I can over think a situation in to oblivion any day. I am usually at least 50 or more steps ahead of someone when they're talking about something. And that is because I've reached a conclusion before they've even sussed out the beginning. And mind you, the conclusions are hardly ever happy or simple. I tend to complicate things before they've happened. It has to be a talent.

Now, enough berating myself and on to the important stuff. It was hard coming to the realisation that I am all of these things. I have more cracks and faults than I can count. But at the same time, it's never too late to change. The first step is always accepting one's truth. It's actually easier after that. Because you start to make small changes, and once you taste those small rewards, you just want to bite off a chunk and relish the goodness of everything else that follows.

This journey I am on is wonderful. It's made me realise so much about myself in such a short space of time. For one - I never knew that all that moving around I did whilst growing up affected me so deeply. Although they will always be some of the greatest experiences I've ever had - and I'm ever thankful for them - it is only now that I see what the after effects of it were. For instance - I constantly searched for that feeling of "home".. I always talked about it, and always craved for it. Home for me isn't only a place to live - but it's the person or people who are part of your surrounding. It's a deeper connection with the soul or souls around you, where there is an abundance of love and affection you share and you feel totally covered in warmth and comfort at all times. I know now what it feels like, having witnessed it.. And let me tell you, the years of craving it were totally worth it.

The other thing I've learnt is that I'm actually terribly harsh on myself. In fact, we all are. In a day, the amount of times I refer to myself as a "sausage" or an "idiot" and so forth, is actually unreal. It's possibly every other word. Now although I'm saying it jokingly - the universe is taking it literally. And so is my brain. And well if I'm a sausage, then I'll do more sausagey things as the day passes, because I've reaffirmed that to myself over and over. It's a cycle that needs to stop. I'm actually a very creative individual - and calling myself silly names throughout the day will only create more resistance within me for becoming a better person.

On a more deeper level, I always tell myself that I'm behaving or reacting incorrectly when something unpredictable happens. I'm sadly, not very kind to myself. I use harsh tones and words and almost talk to myself like a parent would, whilst scolding a child. It's like I'm still mad at my younger self for the various things she did. I am still in the process of forgiving my past self. But I'm definitely moving forward. I feel a little bit more loving towards her, and may give her a hug soon, for she was never at fault for the ways she reacted to all the events that unfolded for her. She did the best she could. And for that, I appreciate her wholeheartedly now.

Fears, of any kind are a deeper manifestation of how much you trust and love yourself. The more you are unable to trust yourself, the more you will feel that you're incapable of dealing with what lies or will lay before you. Anxieties and worries form from fears because you believe that you're not worthy of whatever is unfolding in front of you.. Especially if it's good. The better the situation, the higher the fear because you're afraid of it slipping away from you. And when you feel that way, you want to immediately take it all in so that you don't lose it. It's what the books call having a "fear of loss." Those fears, in my eyes are the hardest to deal with. But once you get past those.. The rest are really easy to dissolve. 

It's important to remember in your journey that you are not what has happened to you. Don't let yourself be defined by your past and your fears. And don't put faith in those fears. You have the choice to become whoever you want to be, whenever you choose to be. It's just about making a small amount of effort. 

Change is good for the skin.

On that note - here is a brand new (favourite) song.