Two Thousand and Eleven

So here it is. My yearly post about the year gone by. Except this time, it seems way too fast that this has happened. I remember sitting down this time last year, writing a year-review. It feels so odd that 12 months have passed so dramatically fast. Last I remember, I was unemployed, slipping across the black ice that had formed due to too much snow outside my house on the way to the gym and terribly desperate to make something of my life.

If I had to describe this year in two words I'd say it was turbulent and draining. I know these are very negative words, but it's very true. Personally, it's been just that. I've felt more tired and more confused than ever before. I've had to make decisions that I didn't want to, say things I never thought I would say, and see various relationships I have dissolve right in front of my eyes without the energy to save them. On the other hand, I found solace in developing relationships with friends and family I never thought I would.

2011 will always be the year that I started my first full-time job. It will also be the year that I almost lost hope of finding a job, and then getting about 5 offers on the same day. And that is something I will always be very happy about.

This year definitely marks itself as the "bad news year".. There was a time when I would always read the newspapers (not the metro, but the Guardian or something with "actual" news, as opposed to repetitive stories), watch the news and follow a variety of news-esque websites religiously. But this year, every time I managed to read any articles, it just revolved around what a mess this world is in - from financial crises to apparent dictators being overthrown and killed, to the killing of the world's "biggest terrorist" (which let's all face, was all completely shady), to natural disasters and famine, to riots across the world and David Cameron still being allowed to lead Britain to an inevitable (and very fast) end.

I spent so much of this year in fear and worry for the world and what it is fast becoming. And that is, a mess. It's becoming a total and utter mess. And the worst thing is that 2012 will only bring worse things. But more on that later.

I think this year I definitely "grew up".. I know I always harp on about how I was mature from a young age, which is still very true, but I think I started understanding so many other things this year. For one, I understood the disgusting world of finance, then the reality of working which hasn't been so bad, but the stress it brings is unreal. Along with that, I understood what I wanted out of my life, at least the direction in which I should be working towards - career wise, and everything else too. Yes, that means marriage.

And finally, this year brought with it a lot of hurtful but raw truth. There were so many explosive moments of truth, that were not only painful but completely necessary. Relationships were strained but they found their places in the end - not the same place, but a new place.

All in all, I think 2011 flew by too fast. I will remember it as the year without a holiday or rather a year with many failed holiday plans. But most of all, I will remember it as the year that had no pauses.

I wish you all a very good year ahead. May it be filled with all types of experiences, growth and love.

Here's a song to end my 2011 with.

Bring me a higher love

I've been away from technology and socialisation for a good few months now.. Not entirely by choice but mostly because of immersing myself in work and a bunch of other things that has been a welcomed distraction away from many things I have been trying to figure out.

No, I'm not about to list the extensive list of things I have been "figuring out", but I will share one of the things that has taken precedence over all other thoughts. That is - love.

I've been questioning the idea of love for many years now.. But never have I truly spent so much time (in my mind) understanding it and the very many ways it is represented. I read many books. I listen to a lot of music. I watch a few movies and I day dream a lot more. I constantly think about the type of man I could end up with, and the type of things he'd say or do to make me happy. Yes, these are general things that girls think about when they are younger. With me however, they have seemed to grow stronger with each passing year as I get older and start to think about my future. I don't know what it is, but I am completely swept away by romance. I really am. The utterly sickening kind as well. (I feel like I should be part of a support group right now, because I would NEVER have said that, out loud.. Especially not on my space for writing). But there you go. The media has corrupted my mind and made me feel that romance in that manner could exist - although I know better, judging from real life relationships I have seen around me, I know that it is far from plain-sailing, I also know that love and romance isn't at all as it has been represented in the media. Although I wish it were. It would make, looking forward to falling in love and finding a man to do that with, so much easier.

Judging however, from my luck, I am pretty sure the above will not happen. Instead, I am probably going to be matched with someone who is very realistic (which is great) and not very romantic either. Not that I'll mind, because romance can get boring after a while (look at me, trying to persuade myself), and I'm sure I'll get used to being his soggy tissue in no time and him mine. And what I mean by that is, I think we'll get used to one another. Although I don't want that. It is actually one of my greatest fears. I don't want someone to get used to me, but be surprised by what I come out with even 10 years of being together. I'm afraid of becoming boring to someone. Or vice versa. These are all very scary things. Perhaps that's why I am still single. Because I think too much about the things I am afraid of, rather than plunging straight into them. This coupled with the fact that I would have to be with someone who most certainly operates on a whole different universe to understand me. I am starting to think, that the person I am meant to be with does not exist. I can back this up with the statistical calculations I have done as well, which have lead me into figuring out that there is a negative correlation between who I am and the man I am meant to be with. This in turn meaning that the older I get, the more weirder and more ridiculous I become, hence having a lower chance of meeting someone. I knew mathematics and statistics would fail me. Damned Psychology!

So now that you all know my big secret. Yes, as realistic as I can be at times, I'm completely the opposite when it comes to romance. Isn't that just so miserable? I've set myself up for disaster already. And instead of sorting these very thoughts out, I succumb to reading more ridiculous books and falling for made up characters. I am so going to end up becoming a cat lady. Oh the horror.

As you all stop to laughing - either out of pity or .. Well it is pity isn't it? Listen to this song.

Slow Down

It's an understatement to say that work has kept me busy for the last month. I've lost myself somewhere in between train stations and pages of books I can't seem to finish. It's like that feeling you get when you've been on a 7-hour plane journey, only to land in a place that isn't your destination but is for transit purposes. And then waiting a few more hours, carrying on to another 8-hour journey, and before you know it 2 days have passed and you don't know what time zone you're operating on.

Having said that. It's a different feeling to have. An interesting feeling. I've found myself hovering on platforms for trains more than I have found myself in my office or my room at the house. I've enjoyed being lost for the last month, because that gave me an excuse to hide behind music I lost a connection with, and books I've started but never finished. 

In this time, I have found out a lot about myself. Things I knew but never understood and things I didn't know but finally have some perspective on. It's been a month of change. In all kinds of manner. It's amazing how much can be condensed into 30 days. Fascinating in fact. It's been a month of high stress, high tension and high exhaustion. Given a chance, I would not want to relive it the same way. Or at all. But as I have constantly said over the years, Change is something I welcome, and never despise. All change is positive, in some way.

I visited my university today and I was completely and utterly in love again. Having been away from the town and the university for over a year now, I realise how much I miss it. I don't miss the experience I had there, but rather the place itself. It actually felt like home. I felt so comfortable, so together and so happy. Feelings I don't feel all the time. Or at least not at once. 

Upon leaving university, my friends used to say how they were glad that the three years were finally over. They had had enough of the town, buildings, education and experience. I suppose they're not to blame, as these feelings are only natural. I however, never felt that way. In fact, I didn't understand how to go back to "normal" life. I don't think I do now either. I doubt I ever learnt, I just formed myself into the perception of understanding what "normal" (aka - non-university life) was. I think at some point I will go back to complete my education. Maybe that would give me better direction. As now, I am on a very wavy path. I do like wavy-ness, don't get me wrong. I just get dizzy once in a while.


Having finally stepped into October a couple of days ago, a part of me felt like the past 9 months have been a quick blur. I have not been able to catch my breath properly the last few months, as I have not had a proper holiday or a few days off to enjoy my time. The coming weeks are just for that. I intend on catching up on shows I've neglected to watch this past year, go back to a gym (or join some fun classes like Zumba or Salsa) and take a day trip out of London by myself to just gather my thoughts and enjoy some alone time. That sounds pretty perfect. Oh, add some baking/cooking to that too. 


Since I've started working, I've neglected so many things I used to enjoy before. And no, I don't mean TV but things like I mentioned in the list above. I need to find some peace within myself again.

"When you're older, you will understand"

A lot of things have changed recently. Change is good - or at least that's what I've made myself believe over the years.

Whenever I have been upset or disheartened by something, I've always looked for how that event can be turned into something else that can cause a positive change. When I was unemployed for 8 months, it was awful. But instead of constantly having "low" days, I would ask myself how those experiences were shaping me for a better change. And it's true, once I got out of that phase of unemployment, I understood exactly what had changed.

I've spent far too many years in a general faithless and unhappiness state to know that every event - especially negative - has a learning experience attached to it. It makes you stronger, perhaps a bit more stone hearted (which is where I currently am I believe), and aware of the world and its chaotic personality. I've understood this from a very young age. I didn't have to wait till I was 40-something - having suffered several heart-breaking relationships and then eventually marrying and having kids, watching close ones suffer and die, or having gone through 15 different jobs - to understand how the world works and what kind of people live in it.

It is interesting then, when people older than me come up to me and say "you're a child, you won't understand" or the best yet "you have no opinion, you're just a kid still and haven't seen the world". I particularly love the whole "haven't seen the world" part of the sentence. Things like that not only insult me, but make me very angry, considering I have witnessed events that average people don't go through until their late 30's or even later. From where I stand, I think I'm mature, level-headed and completely aware of everything around me even though I may not always seem it. I find it frustrating then, when I am undermined and seen as somebody who can't share an opinion - apparently being 23 means not being "old enough" to say certain things, think certain things or feel certain things. However, it is funny how these thoughts are mostly confined to the Asian culture. Yep, I said it.

Trust me, at the age of 14, I had no desire to have to change the level of maturity I was at. I would have loved to stay in a protective bubble for at least another few years - but it was not meant to be. I don't want to be known as a crabby old lady, or as a boring individual - but I think in times of sharing opinions and being seen as an adult (about bloody time), I would like to be acknowledged as having a good head on my shoulders.

As per usual - a song to end my thoughts.

Old is Gold

I spent a few days at my sisters house and we were reminiscing some of our favourite songs from about 7-10 years ago. I came across one that just made me swoon all over again and fall in love. In love with what? Well, that remains a mystery.

For now, enjoy this great cheesy song. I will return soon with a long blog post. Promise!

Lyric

I know I've been quoting a lot lately.. But sometimes it's the best way to sum up everything you feel and think but can't really find the exact words.

This time, it's from one of my favourite songs.

Have heart my dear, we're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days, making up for all this mess.

Feed me

As a child I was incredibly thin. It wasn't until we moved to the Middle-East where I found what I loved most. Food. All kinds of food. It was there I realised that I ate not to survive, but I did so out of pure gluttonous love. It was such a new concept to us - we lived in a place where I could eat chicken at any restaurant, stall or packet and know that it was Halal.

Upon settling down, we all gained weight instantaneously. It was inevitable - the food was just a part of our relaxed nature and our laid-back lifestyles. We were finally happy and content. Wherever we went, we managed to find a small yet scrumptious place to eat. Whether it was on the lonely highway between Dubai and Abu Dhabi (which then felt like an adventurously long drive) - where we found a petrol station and a small unpopular eatery that served the best (and largest!) potato wedges with a dipping sauce to die for! Or this unusually yummy grilled chicken sandwich (with no fussy ingredients like vegetables) that would come wrapped in white tracing paper served with greasy but gorgeous chips. Whenever my mum and dad planned a trip to Abu Dhabi, I remember salivating a little, dreaming about the hot potato wedges and the pure white garlic dipping sauce. I would however get sad upon thinking of how I would have to share with the rest of the family.

Around the hungry age of 7, I was completely round. With a matching bob hair-cut which let me tell you, was not pleasing to my already, very round face. I would continue to eat several fillet-o-fish burgers at McDonalds, with added large chips and an apple pie. Shawarma's were like a heavenly made wrap just for me, of which I would devour at least 2 large ones in no time at all. Yes, I was in food heaven - with no care whatsoever of what the food was doing to my chubby body.

It was only when I was about 10-11 years old, when I realised that all the excuses I made for participating in PE classes was not healthy. I enjoyed food too much to burn it off later. What a strange concept, I would think to myself. Exercising was not something I was very fond of. My report card would always read very well, apart from a lower grade for PE, which my dad would just skim through. Clearly, he wasn't much of a "keeping fit" man himself. He loved food, and of all the things I inherited from him - a high IQ was not one of them but being a foodie definitely was.

Upon growing older and understanding food better, and seeing my body swell to a larger size with each passing month, I realised that "being skinny" was the "right" thing to be. I tried to lose weight, by swimming consistently over the hot summer months until my toes bled and formed blisters. But my dad would buy treats that wouldn't help the bulge. He used to buy these chocolate covered marshmallow biscuits that would be so soft and decadent but add about 300 calories per bite. I didn't care. Food was there to be eaten, not to be looked at.

My extended family are also foodies. You can tell with their bulging bellies and the smiles they have whilst eating anything that comes out of a Chicken or a Goat or a Cow. They have this obsession with meat and chicken that took me a while to understand. It was however, only my mum who used to cook a variety of foods when we were younger. And when you have a mother who cooks from all cuisines, and always tries something different all the time, losing weight becomes a long lost dream and gaining weight becomes second-nature. The rest of the family shortly followed by experimenting with foods, that resulted in family favourite recipes like my eldest aunt's old roti's in pieces cooked with mixed vegetables and eaten with yoghurt. Every time I eat it, my nose drips and my tongue burns with heat, but I can't stop eating it.

Even now, when I travel back to Dubai - the first thing I do is eat something that is classified as unhealthy, like a scrumptious cheese burger dripping in pickled sauces and processed cheese. Yes it is all unhealthy, it has high salt content - but if it brings you joy for a few minutes, why not indulge a little? Food has become too much of a bad-obsession these days - leading to either obesity or a size-zero craze. What happened to when no one cared, and everyone ate what they wanted to?

My mum tells me stories of when she was a child and how she would eat fresh cream made from fresh milk with sugar on top, just as a snack. Or when my dad would slice butter and just place it on top of white bread and eat it with sugared tea. They never suffered any health problems, and were very fit and healthy. Do something like that now and you'd be put on the "Fat Families" show or a news paper article titled "the unhealthiest family in Britain."

When I moved back to London, I used to notice how everyone was so weight and figure concious. I have to say, I was drawn into that way of thinking for quite a few years. I started becoming increasingly unhappy with my weight and decided to make changes along the way by trying a range of diets and cutting out many deeply-loved foods. Chocolate, quickly became an enemy and soya-based products a good friend. I was losing weight, but I was unhappy. I started forming more health problems than before, with strange "allergies" appearing and disappearing with a blink of an eye. But I continued to stick to what I felt was best for my health - losing weight. It turned into an obsession when I joined the gym and was aware of everything I put in my mouth. Food became something I ate in moderation and according to my new diet I couldn't think about anything that was delicious - it was a crime. Along the way, losing weight and becoming fitter, I realised that I missed food. I missed the way I saw food.

Lately, I've been having conversations with my sister about different and weird foods she's been trying. It got me thinking that I seemed to have lost that spark with food. From the once cherry-cheeked girl I was, to the now somewhat distracted woman I am, I feel like I need to rekindle that relationship that bought me most joy. Food. You were greatly missed. Long gone are the days where I measured what I ate in calories and cared about moderation. It's all about the satisfaction. Losing more weight will happen in it's own time, I just won't stress myself any more.

Quote

"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it"

- Douglas Adams

Nine

"I see trees of green, red roses too, I see them bloom for me and you and I think to myself.. What a wonderful world"

9 years ago, I lost my father. It feels surreal saying that number. Next year it will be a double digit. Every year that passes though, I feel I've had the chance to know him better than the last. I've learnt about who he was, what his story was and what he did. Whether it's my mum telling me of the time he was getting ready to hit a man with a cricket bat, but made him pee in his pants instead, or my grandfather telling me of how my dad was as a child. I feel he's a whole person now, not just my father, but a man associated to multiple roles - each he manifested with humility, humour and heart.

I wish I knew these sides to him - actually having to witness them first hand. But I guess these are memories and stories that are told in memory of someone. If he were around now, I'd probably still be incredibly scared of him, of making him angry. I don't however remember him angry. I remember him imitating 'Jailhouse rock' in a busy Pizza hut restaurant, complete with an air guitar solo.

Every year that passes by, my idea of the person he was gets stronger, missing him becomes second nature and trying to remember his voice gets a little harder. If you had asked me 9 years ago, if I thought I'd be sane enough to get myself through A-levels, a degree and work full time - I would say that somebody was pulling an awful joke on me. I had little if no faith at all in believing that the pain would get easier to deal with and missing him would be a part of my existence, something I would not delve on.

Its been a long process, getting to where we are today. We keep him alive in everything we do, and sometimes feel his presence in the most needing and yearning of times. There are many moments where I suddenly stop and realise 'I don't have a father' - especially during big and happy occasions. Its wishing he was there to witness these events and the lack of his presence which makes it hard. There are still tough times where I find myself clenching my teeth in tears, hoping he would magically appear with a bag full of goodies and the smell of Sculpture in the air. Those moments pass too eventually and I realise that I am fortunate enough to be surrounded with those who represent him the best.

So when people ask me how I got through 'it' and how I'm still 'alive'.. I just let them know that in the end, it was how amazing he was that inspired me to move on, and get to where I am today.

In fear of tomorrow

Growing up I had a lot of fears - I was afraid of thunder and lightening (and I still am sadly), of someone breaking in to my house (still have that one too), and of earthquakes (oh.. and this one too).

If I sat down to list my fears - they would be never ending. I have a lot of things to fear. It's only when I sit down to think about what exactly I'm fearing, the rationale behind that fear and why it exists - do I realise that most often it is useless. A complete and utter waste of energy and thoughts on things that "could happen"..

Over the last few weeks, I've been busy - mentally and physically. Life has kept me on the go with several plans and things to do on a daily basis - be it at work or my personal life. I'm understanding that life is moving on at this crazy pace and I am yet to make my way through things I want to and probably should do. Instead, I've spent time analysing my irrational fears and stressing myself out for no reason.

We all get so locked behind our fears all the time, and it stops us from doing so many great things. I mean, we all gotta die one day - why not make each day count and do awesome things until then? Sombre thought, I know - but from where I stand, I want people to remember me as a person who lived and tried everything at least once.

Another Bon Iver song - I hope you're all falling in love with them.

So all - who cares what the future holds, we're not there yet. Let's get through today and do something awesome until then.

Note

I'm alive! I've been busy. More to come soon.

Until then - enjoy this song.

I was only for your very space

There comes a point where you can't get your head out of the clouds. It's like they describe in the books, when the girl "falls in love" and she feels like she's walking on air. Except I'm not in love, and I'm not walking on air. I've just moved my head space to another universe for a short while.

I've always been a bit of a day dreamer. I've day dreamed my way through primary school, secondary school, GCSE's, A-levels and my degree. There were times when people were talking to me, but I was miles away, in another place. There's an odd sense of comfort that lies in day dreaming, you can think up things, you can replay memories - alter them, you can be 10 stone lighter (and invisible) or you can just simply be content.

I usually drift away when there's too much going on around me - I don't mean bad things or stressful things, just a lot of things - there may be many chores to do, or work piling up on my desk - whatever it may be, I used to just float off for a few short moments, in attempt to recover my full self from all the tiny places I left them during the day.

Lately I've been in another world - and it shows in my lack of updating my blog. I generally come home after work to shower, have dinner, relax and eventually fall asleep. In this work-weekday routine, I find that I have less time for myself, less time to find space in my head and think - think about meaningless and serious things. I'm not complaining, I am very happy to be this busy, but I've always been the type of person who drifts away effortlessly into another realm, and it feels almost missed now that I have a thousand things on my mind every day.

It felt good to be elsewhere for a while. I had more time to focus on things that were important, and just find a good balance of work life and personal life. I think I'm becoming more comfortable with things, myself and just this space I've created. Although it wouldn't hurt to be walking on clouds with some company, right?

Finally - listen to the new song by Bon Iver. I think I love them more than I did before. This was on repeat for the last week, and I have to say, for 4 minutes and 13 seconds every hour, I was in another world. Click here.

Twenty Three

So a few days ago I turned 23. It feels weird saying it.

I usually don't care much for birthdays - at least not mine. I just think it's another day in the year, but whilst at university I used it as an excuse to celebrate, go out with friends or do something very awesome - like visiting Thorpe Park. Although these celebrations always took place after my actual "birthday".

I generally take that day to look back on how I've changed, or what I've achieved in the months before me.

Suffice to say, this year I was happy with how things have panned out.

When I was younger, I remember thinking 23 was an age that was so far away. I believe both my sisters were 23 when they were married - but back then, 23 was so different. It's like what 30 is now. Not to say I'm not mature or have a clear head (sometimes) but it's funny how it's all viewed now.

I feel like I'm supposed to be a certain way by now, you know?

Anyway here's a song I've fallen madly in love with.

Forgotten

There are times when I'm by myself and trying hard to remember something - usually a specific memory, perhaps due to a dream I've had or a particular event that's taken place, although mostly I find myself trying hard to remember certain memories from my childhood or teenager years which just seem to be forgotten or lost in transition.

Although I've learnt about the human memory in Psychology quite a bit, I can't help but wonder what happened to those memories I once had and remembered so well but suddenly became patchy. The weird thing is, I remember remembering them (if that makes any sense). There are moments that I can track back to and see myself thinking about those things I now cannot recall clearly. It's strange. I don't know if it's a case of neglecting memories or just simply having forgotten them.

There's this picture that keeps appearing in my mind. It's of me as a baby, at the crawling-stage, climbing the stairs whilst the house was dim lighted and reaching the top of the stairs and I know, nay, I am very sure that something happens after that yet I can't seem to recall it accurately. It's frustrating.

On a completely different spectrum of thought.. I think it's useful when somebody forgets something. It can actually work to their benefit. Although, more on this later.

Quote

'I think,' she said, 'that you and I could make each other terribly unhappy.'
And as she spoke, something deep inside him keeled over a little, as if in defeat. 'I think,' he said slowly, 'that I'd like that very much.'

Conversations

I spend approximately 2 hours a day commuting to and from work. In this time I mostly read a newspaper or my book (which by the way, I am in love with), but whilst reading I can't help but overhear conversations, laughter and various other human oriented sounds. I am not really the type to eavesdrop or sit and stare at other commuters, in fact I try to get as much space away from them as possible so I don't smell their awful morning breath or unwashed clothes, I do however pass smiles to friendly people. I'm not a grumpy commuter, I think I'm a curious and excited commuter (well at least for the time being).

I find it very interesting sitting across people whom I have never seen before and hear them talk about things with their tones increasing or decreasing depending on the level of secrecy or gossip they are talking about. You hear some strange things on the tube - some very intimate secrets to some extremely bizarre and eccentric conversations. I've sat across lovers, elderly couples, friends, siblings, parents, grand parents, great grand parents and kids. Each journey I have taken has been different and I'm not trying to romanticise a 45 minutes underground journey on the less than romantic Central Line, but it's true. There are some unpleasant journeys when the tube hits peak times and you're squashed underneath someone's armpit across the cheek of an unshaven man with a suitcase that weighs a tonne on your feet whilst a woman loses balances on thin pencil heels in front of you and falls on you. But during all journeys the only thing that stays constant is my fascination with how people interact and communicate with one another.

The other day, there were two friends who seemed to have many stories to tell one another. They were barely breathing and talking and laughing as fast as possible before they had to get off and travel on to their destinations. Just in the middle of their conversation a bunch of people got off the train, and they managed to locate two seats together. One of the girls sat down but before the other could sit a man ran into the train and sat there instead. I had space next to me and the girl sat down across her friend. They managed to talk and laugh for ages, and I could hear everything even though I tried to drown out their voices so I could concentrate on the chapter I was reading, but it was impossible. They found ways to talk to one another whilst the train became increasingly full with people standing in their ways. They started to shuffle around and find spaces between people's bodies and legs and carry on their conversations. It was actually really funny to see. They were vibrant and full of energy and managed to talk non-stop until I left the train.

A few days before this, I was reading my book and this man constantly drew closer to me until I turned and saw his cheek was touching my shoulder - he was trying to read my book. When he saw me look at him and move away, he realised how close he was to me and smiled and said "I've been trying to remember the title of this book for ages." We both laughed it off and had a conversation about the book. It was so uncalculated, and that's what I like most about London. You meet the most eccentric people have the most unexpected conversation with them that makes you feel so unusually happy for the rest of the day (if it's a good conversation).

I know it can be boring and irritating, moving back and forth on a fast train with polluted air hitting your face, but with so much time spent on the same journey every day, you have to try and find little things that make the journey a little less bothersome.

A song. A very sweet song.

Remedy

In the current age of awful music (Rebecca Black and Justin Bieber), even worse lyrics and absolutely ridiculous excuse for songs - I find it important to stay rooted in my music, specifically the stuff I grew up listening. Some of you may cringe or groan when I say Phil Collins or UB40, but those are some of the greatest artists out there who actually made sense in their songs, and had substance to not only the lyrics but the music as well, where the highs and lows of the songs would make your heart race. That is what I call good music - bands like the Beatles and the Who, and now Coldplay who produce(d) brilliant music should be the only people allowed to sing, compose or make music in general.

I mean, songs like Hotel California, Let it Be, Three Little Birds, That's life and a bunch of music from amazing, talented people bought to life what music really was. And I try to think, where did it all go so wrong? When did music like rap, hip-hop and r & b become the "norm" and when did teenagers become the face of "pop"? It's all too depressing to think about. I mean, everytime I hear ridiculous songs from Bieber or Hannah Montanna, I laugh at the sheer stupidity of the concept of their so called music and songs.

For those who still have good taste in music - here's a fantastic song.

"We're only young and naive still"

Travelling on the Central Line is never pleasant. It's usually a game of musical chairs in the morning and evening when I travel to and from work. People are not friendly on the central line. They don't understand simple human etiquettes, like giving up their seat to a pregnant woman or an elderly person. It's always about them and how tired they are, or how miserable they are. In fact, this morning, I smiled at this lady next to me and she turned around and her massive back pack almost killed me (it was really hard!), after which she hit my newspaper (literally!) as though she had a vendetta against me. This is why so many Londoners have anger problems, twits like these ruin your mornings! And don't get me started on the lack of hygiene some of these people have, and the disgusting colour the seats have turned into from over the years of underground and human filth. So disgusting. I actually have a phobia now of touching anything to do with train stations - even if it is for my own safety. I'm actually going to wear gloves during the summer, I've decided, so that I can cover my hands when holding on to any slimy metallic bars. [Rant Over].

Today marks the end of the first official week I have spent at my new job. It still feels surreal and I wake up every morning with a rush of excitement of having some purpose to my day, as opposed to dread of looking through pages of various job websites.

So I think this year is the year I will sky dive finally, after years of pondering about it. This is the summer, most definitely. Now, to convince my mother to watch me do it. I've decided to actually go ahead and do all the insane things I've wanted to do before I become too old and boring. This list also includes bungee jumping, white water rafting and a bunch of other awesome things. Must get a move on! I really don't want to turn in to one of those London commuters that I described above, so I'm definitely going to start making my way through my list of "things to do once you have money and are no longer in a shameful financial position, enough to make you want to sell various organs which no one will buy anyway due to the various abuse it's endured over the years."

I've also decided to be less serious. I think the last few months was a humbling experience, but I spent a large amount of my time in deep thoughts, my brain actually hurts when I read back to some of my posts. Although they all make sense and every single word I wrote still resonates with me. I just believe it's time that I worried less, enjoyed the various changes in my existence and switch off for a while (hopefully not to the point where I am fired!). Plus Summer is approaching, and everyone knows - you can't be serious in the summer. It's just way to gorgeous.

Lastly, I have fallen in love with Kings of Leon all over again. I know I keep saying this, but yesterday I had their song "The Face" on repeat on my journey home, and I literally just phased out for the longest time and before I knew it, I had walked home and could still hear the song after I switched off my iPod. They do something to me. Something wonderful.

And of course, here is the link to the song. 

5 Years Time

If someone asked me 5 years ago what they think I would be doing in 5 years time, I think my reaction would pretty much be a shoulder shrug and possibly a sentence or two about how I'd hope to have graduated and possibly be travelling. Although that was a generic response for most things, I actually never had one direction. I was pretty much confused and unsure of what I wanted to have achieved by this point.

I look back now, and wonder what I was actually doing around 2006/7 and I see how unhappy I was with everything. Yes, I know I've mentioned it before, so I won't repeat it again, but from that point until the middle of university I was still very unsure with what I wanted to do in terms of employment and career choices. I was adamant in staying within Psychology, such as working within Mental Health Services or Forensics (I know, two different routes unless I wanted to do Forensics and Mental health together, which is pretty interesting). But as time went on, I realised that, in order to succeed in either fields I would need more education and definitely specific experiences, as it is with any kind of field in Psychology. Although this aspect of my so called "career decision" remains just an idea, it may be something I'd like to pursue later in the future when the recession hasn't ruined the planet as it has, and when the UK Government decides to ease the Education cuts/increases.

It dawned on me over the last year of my degree that I enjoyed working with students. Both the roles I had whilst working at University, were very student-oriented. With that in mind, post-graduation I went into an application frenzy. I applied for everything. Anything. Something. Every day. Non-stop. So now that I do have a job, (I thought I would throw that in there by the way!) and it does involve student interaction I am pretty happy. Although I have to say, I find I use my mac much less now. I guess he needed a break too. It feels so weird not going to the same websites every day to look for new jobs, and post applications one after the other continuously like a robot. Its a good weird though, which I am certainly not complaining about.

So, to carry on my thoughts about this whole "in 5 years time where would you like to be" idea, I think I am pleasantly surprised to where I am currently. I think it's good to have a rough idea as to where you'd like to be by a certain age or time in terms of careers/education and life plans, but to set an actual target is a little too presumptuous. I guess it could work with some people, but I know for sure that I don't work well with long-term plans, as I've always found circumstances and life to be far to uncertain and ever-changing to actually set anything in stone. Hah, perhaps it is sceptical. You can judge.

The only constant hope I have for my future is that I am happy and content with whatever I am doing and wherever I may be. I don't want to look back in 5 years time and shake my head in dismay at how foolish I was not to have taken more chances, leaps of faith and all that fancy stuff. I'd hate to turn in to the "shoulda woulda coulda" person.

My new favourite song. Here it is. Absolutely perfect.

Scent of a Woman

If you know me well, you will know one thing about me - I will NEVER leave the house without spraying perfume; I will always have perfume with me in my bag even if I forget my wallet; I have a pretty impressive collection. I am addicted to perfumes, and it has taken me years to pinpoint what my signature scent and tones that identify with me.

As a teenager I used to wear very strong-scented perfumes which was understandable as I lived in Dubai where it was always very hot and you'd always end up smelling humid (literally). I slowly went off these smells as my obsession over perfumes increased. Just before moving back to the UK I remember picking a perfume I was in love with - Very Irresistible by Givenchy. It was the perfect scent, it suited me in the summer and the winter. It wasn't over-powering neither was it one to cause headaches. It was simply put, flawless. It was here where I realised that my skin suited sweet, fruity and at times particular floral smells. I did not however suit musk, wood, other florals - in fact, as soon as I would spray a bit on my wrist, I would not be able to smell it at all. It's a known fact that, in order to know whether a fragrance suits you, you should be able to smell it on yourself for a long period of time.

To me, scents are very important. And I find myself attracted to/making friends with people who have certain smells. This is obviously subconsciously done. There are certain tones that get my attention instantly when I either pass somebody or am meeting them - especially men. It's always the stronger, less muskier and more fresh and sea-like such as with Green Tangerine and Calabrian Bergamot.

Over time I began understanding the chemistry behind scents - and why some suited me and why others didn't. It was simple. It was down to my own body - my temperatures and hormones - what would smell strongly on me, would smell different and less strong on a friend's skin. Over the years my perfume selection grew - from getting samples to the tallest bottles available. There was however, a trend I saw beginning to form. I saw that there was a distinct division within what suited me very well - the sweet and fruity and the more distinctive and womanly (like Patchouli, Honey and certain notes of Jasmine).

There is definitely something about smells. They say in Psychology that if two people like the scent of the other persons skin (ie - the natural scent without any perfume/lotion/soap), then they are a good match for one another (well technically anyway). Something about the genes I believe (though I read this ages ago). It is why some people get confused or misled in terms of attraction when perfume is used, as the natural scent is mixed with a bunch of other chemicals. Scents therefore definitely play a role in attraction (although I wouldn't suggest you all go out and sniff people up in trains or whilst jogging. No, now that is stalking and creepy [refer to my Stalking Guide for that section]).

So here is a picture I thought I would attach to this post to show you all of my current collection of perfumes. Yes I need more perfume space!

"Your girl is lovely, Hubbell"

Over the past few months, I have written a lot about my feelings and thoughts towards romance and (dare I say it) 'love'. Yet I find myself constantly reviewing said thoughts, especially when I happen to watch, hear or see something that really touches me - like the end scene from 'The way we were'. It gets me every time without fail. Much like the end scene from 'My best friends wedding'. These heartbreaking (and sometimes funny) stories make me think that perhaps 'falling in love' and all those flowery concepts are not made for everyone. I'm not saying that I believe what I watch in movies or read in books, but I know that realistically, such things have happened (without the drama of movie scripts of course).

I have known circumstances where both individuals involved in a romantic relationship have failed to end up together despite their deep affections towards one another - due to other complications. Such people have always told me that they have never come across another person who they share the same type of deep connection with as they did with the one they had to leave. I've seen said people in other relationships and I've seen them marry others too, but they seem so different, almost like they can not bring back those feelings for another person at such an intense level as they once did with somebody else. I see how different these people are now - in how they love more than anything else. I can't describe the sadness and uncertainty I feel when I witness such things, as it almost makes me more sceptical than I already am.

I guess in everything that we do there's an element of risk attached to it. Although I am unsure as to how I feel about taking risks when it comes to two people connecting.

Here's a heartbreaking song I would otherwise not link.

"It's been a long time coming but I know a change gonna come"

So I decided it was time to spruce things up a bit. Not that its awfully bright or anything, but I had to rearrange my blog, you know digitally feng shui it. Maybe I'll be inspired more this way, and some awesome editor will find my blog accidentally and ask me to write a book. Yes. I like the sound of this.

I stumbled upon a song by The Fray that I hadn't heard before (blasphemous I know), and I fell in love with it instantly. Here it is.

I strongly urge all my readers to dedicate, sing, mime or scream out the lyrics of this song to somebody they like a healthy amount (I will now use "like a healthy amount" instead of "love".. Just makes me rant less really.) There's not enough love (I will use it in this context though) on the planet, so get serenading people. We had to have learnt something from the hippie movement, apart from the funky hair-do's and the clashes of coloured clothing.

"If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad"

The world is falling apart. Literally. There are constant disasters, protests and just general unrest and uneasiness across the globe. I decided to spread some joy, well at least for the course of this post to you, my audience. So I'm going to share with you, a list of ten various things (in no particular order) that usually do the trick in making me feel better, and definitely brightens up my day. Maybe it could help you too?

1. Switching off all media that allows me access to the world and it's miserable news, for anywhere between a few hours to a few days (unfortunately I am very addicted to various news websites - be it something geeky, political, health related or world news). In fact, one day a week I make it a point to switch off from all social/technological connections I may have, just to insure that my feet still touch the ground and my mind is still able to function in reality as opposed to virtually. You'll be surprised how wonderful this feels after you get the hang of it, and you realise how much more time you have on your hands instead of tweeting, facebooking, four-squaring, etc etc (Definitions which by the way have now been included in the dictionary. Awful!)

2. As the weather gets better (or even when it is gloomy) I try to explore a different place within the city as often as I can - be it a new cafe, sweet shop, market, area, anything and anywhere (for those of you who are employed and are not as useless as me, I'm pretty sure you can do this during your days off/weekends). I've done some exploring by myself and with others, but it never fails to make me feel excited and content, because you never know what you may stumble upon on your little adventure. I've come across some amazing old book shops which sell first editions of books that are worth unbelievable amounts, or sweet shops like those in the original Willy Wonka film. Even if you don't discover anything, it will just be a nice few hours away from the regular routine. And everyone needs to break their routine once in a while.

3. Watching this scene from the Wedding Singer always makes me smile. It's so cheesy! I love it. And of course this awesome song by Bill Bailey on one of his shows!

4. Discovering new music. Every time I find a new song, I am overwhelmed with excitement - as you all know from the last few ramblings! Sometimes a new song can just make your day better, or just motivate you to do something - like working out at the gym!

5. The gym! I have realised that I get very happy when I go to the gym. It's a place I can wear boxing gloves and beat my thoughts, frustrations, emotions, anger and sadness out whilst grunting like a man (and occasionally smelling like one too!)

6. Reading xkcd - Hilarious stuff.

7. Cleaning. Now when I say cleaning, I don't mean just hoovering or dusting the house, but instead just focusing on my things in my room. I find that about once every month I need to do a clear-out of things I know I have been holding on to forever, or just generally rearrange my cupboards/shelves. It gives me a sense of satisfaction and as I've said before - cleaning is a representation of rearranging your thoughts in your mind. So your room/space represents how your mind is, most of the time. It's a good way to just throw things way both mentally and physically. Plus it's always fun to clean and put on a good dvd or listen to some good music along with it. Never ever fails to make me feel better! And it takes a good few hours! Plus you come across some very funny things, which amuses you and makes you wonder what possessed you to keep (and laminate!) a 5 dirham note from Dubai (let's just say it involved a VERY (times infinity) good looking teacher!)

8. The sun - but obviously I don't have the power to make it appear everyday (that would be so awesome though. I would be the Sun-Woman). Although in cities like London that is gloomy pretty much all the time (where Winters seem never ending!) it is hard to wait for the sun in order to be happy. So, when the days are very grey and very bitterly cold, I make it a point to do something that makes me happy - like watch a very good movie (I usually choose something like - My best friends wedding, While you were sleeping, One fine day or the Anchorman) or read a good book. The rest just always seems to fall into place.

9. Having a lovely bath and unwinding with a trashy magazine (Okay I know this may be a little girlie for you more masculine (cough) readers, but don't pretend you don't want to do the same as well!)

10. Last but not least, chocolate. Anything made of chocolate makes me happy. It's like a comfort thing, but whenever I am upset or feeling a little down, there's nothing like a good hormonal pick-up as chocolate. Or coffee. Or both. I can't decide, there's too much pressure! It's like Joey (from Friends) says, "I want girls on bread!"

11. I know I said I'd give 10, but I'm sorry I had to include this - Watching Friends. I may have every single dialogue memorised, and every episode rehearsed, but I always seem to laugh out loud every time.

So minions, make a list of your own and cheer yourselves up and others around you.

"Your words in my memory, are like music to me"

I was on a long journey home this morning, and had some time to catch up on some of my favourite music. (I love long journeys, I've realised. Although "long" can vary on my mood. It needs to be about an hour long, enough to get through about 10 - 15 songs depending on their length.) Somehow my iPod knew what kind of mood I was in and picked all the right songs. I fell into this daze, as I do effortlessly all the time, and I began thinking about a variety of things.

It all started with Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars." From the moment I heard this song, I was in love with the lyrics, the music, the voice, ESPECIALLY the voice and thereafter I fell in love with the band. This song always brings me back to one very vivid memory. I remember listening to this song with a very close friend of mine, whilst we were laying on the grass at our halls of residence during out first year of University. We weren't doing anything out of the ordinary as rolling down this grass patch was very common - with the added Rabbit faeces and mud getting stained on to our clothes - but there was something about the atmosphere that night, where everything was really silent and there was this amazing song just blasting into our ears. It was one of those nameless moments.

This was followed by Josh Groban's "Remember When it Rained" a song which, always takes me back to my IGCSE English classes in school (Dubai). This song reminds me of how I used to love studying everything to do with books in terms of Literature, and how I used to get so excited when we were set a creative-writing task of some sort. My English teacher was somebody whom I not only admired but had a very friendly relationship with. She wasn't like my Maths teacher who despised me because well, I was never very bright with the numbers and I would make excuses for England so as to miss the classes and I would make an effort to never complete my work (possibly why I failed miserably!). She was very funny and spoke to us like adults and not brainless things. She was somebody I believe inspired me to continue writing and fall in love with books more than I could have imagined.

Whilst my thoughts were in Dubai, it was only appropriate that the next song was Shania Twain's "From this Moment." My sister and I loved this song, and she used to a be a fan of Shania's music. This song actually reminds me of her wedding time in 2005. We were trying to find the right song for her to walk in to on the wedding day, and this obviously made the list. I started thinking about how the last couple of years spent in Dubai were definitely the more calmer, happier and humble years I've had. I loved the flat we had, it was small and simple but felt like home, literally.

I fell into a bit of a trance with the next song. It was Bon Iver's "Blood Bank" - I think this song represents a period of music change I went through during my final year at University. I was back in halls and living alone with a massive work load and music that wasn't exciting me enough. I remember hearing a song by Bon Iver on an episode of House, which made me cry - it was more the scene in the episode than the song itself, but I think the song did push it that bit more. It was right after this point that iTunes became my best friend, and I would stay up hours downloading music.

About halfway through my journey, the train stopped at Oxford Circus and this lady next to me asked me if she could get off at Tottenham Court Road to get to the British Museum. Distracted by the conversation and my iPod continuing to play to the next song (another Snow Patrol song, "Set the Fire to the Third Bar"), I decided to quickly go back to my thoughts. This song always manages to make me feel a whole array of emotions. I've heard this song when I was involved in different situations, so it almost created a visual reel in my mind that was fast forwarding through a variety of moments I hold close to me. There was this one particular face that kept appearing and for that reason only, I decided to repeat it once more.

By this point I was two songs away from reaching home, and the next was one that was particularly nostalgic - "Everything" by Lifehouse. I've loved music by Lifehouse since their first album in 2000 which had the very popular and swoon-worthy "Hanging by a Moment." The song that was playing though, reminded me of my first two years back in the UK, a phase that I had nicely tucked away in my subconscious where even Freud couldn't get to. I thought of the people I had met during that time, as I spent the majority of my time at college for my A-Levels. I spent this song thinking about my tutors in particular. It was during this time where I fell in love with Psychology because of my tutor. He was brilliant, and he knew how to motivate me. It was because of him I was awarded an A for my entire A-Level at the end. I then recalled my Media Studies tutor, who I believe was a hippy stuck in the 80's movie world and a closet hopeful Mafia don or the next Quentin Tarantino (We watched From Dusk Till Dawn, Scarface and Goodfellas excessively!) It dawned on me then that over the years, I became prone to accessing certain memories from certain phases more than others. I know the first two years in the UK were most definitely difficult, but it doesn't change the fact that I met some of my greatest mentors during this time.

About 3 stations away from my destination, I knew I had time for just one more song, and what better way to end my journey than with "For you now" by Bruno Merz. All I could think by that point was how this song resonated with me now more than ever (as I mentioned before, don't confuse him with Bruno Mars - very annoying!). And Before I knew it, I was on my way home humming to Kings of Leon's "Revelry" feeling warm, nostalgic and slightly desolate of the memories bought to life briefly on my journey home.

(A song)

Suspicious Minds

I was chosen as a Book Giver for the newly launched World Book Night. I was asked to choose my favourite book out of 25 brilliant titles, and it was pretty hard. As most of you know I am a bit of a book worm and have been for many years. A good book is something I crave for, and when I find one (which is often), I feel like immersing myself into the world of fiction more than the time before. Each book creates its own place in my mind, and like that I fell in love with "One Day" by David Nicholls. It was a book I could relate to in some way, not entirely of course, but there were bits of the book that resonated with me. In fact, I have actually never felt the way I do about any book as I did with this. I loved the idea, I loved the story and I most definitely loved the characters. This is how I made my choice when it came to the World Book Night.

Once I was given the volunteer position to distribute this book for the World Book Night (5th March), I was very excited. I was allowed to share my love of books, and more importantly my love for this particular one with whomever I wished to. The point of this event was to spread the joy of reading by giving out one million books (25 titles were chosen) to the public. It was also to try and get a book as far across the globe as possible by passing the books on, once read. I decided to give out books at Euston Station and it took about an hour and a half to completely distribute 48 books. During this time I found that the British public in general are very suspicious people. Even though I had made a poster and wrote in bold that the books were free, they somehow did not believe me. Each person would look at me as though I was selling them a bad idea, or conning them into a Nigerian scam. And I had an ID badge to make things more legit.

About 60% of the public didn't believe it was for free, and when they did come up to find out what I was doing, they would take the book and say "what do I have to do to have this book? Where shall I sign/pay?" and I would have to reiterate that it was FREE. However, the rest of the public approached at the sound of that word and would take the book without asking questions. There were some very interested and some very lovely and happy people as well. I met other Book Givers and it was all very thrilling! I have to say I loved it - with the grumpiness of the people included.

It is very hard to gain trust from the British public, I have to say. They think everything is a conspiracy and everyone is out to get them. They seem to be in a constant rush in chasing someone or something.

Let's all slow down for a while and listen to some good music.

Things that gross me out

Over the months that I have been at home, I've started to realise and analyse the smaller things about myself - such as, how different things have started to gross me out to an almost nauseous state. So here's a list of stomach-churning, awful smelling, disgusting looking and just down right repulsive things.

1. Rats/mice - Any creature that is that fast, small and wriggles into the most strangest, grimiest of places should not be kept as pets. They make me cringe, nay, scream! One of my greatest phobias.

2. The smell of urine in subways, phone boxes and side-streets.

3. The smell of unwashed clothes - and unwashed people (including the smell of sweat, smelly feet (gross!) awful body odour - especially Asians at the gym who smell like pickle and onions - Eew!).

4. East London - the buses, the people, the accent, the language, the slang, the grim feeling, everything about it makes me feel sick.

5. Unwashed feet and socks. I know I mentioned it earlier, but it makes me feel THAT sick, it needed to be mentioned twice.

6. The smell of raw meat.

7. The smell of raw egg and the taste of the yolk (so glad that I can't eat the yolk in my diet!)

8. Public toilets - for those of you who do know me well, will know that I will NEVER use public bathrooms. Ever. The only places I will consider is at restaurants/hotels/shopping malls where I have been to before, or on recommendation of another who has used the facilities. I mean, if I can go without using the bathroom for five days in India.. I'm pretty sure I can survive a few hours!

9. Spots/acne/zits/pimples - especially on the face. Especially when they're massive and protrude out of your face assuming a whole identity due to its size.

10. Hair that falls on the carpet, in the shower drain, in the toilet, in the sink or on my hair brush. I understand that women have long hair, and that it falls out, of course I do. But I could retch if I had to pick it up, especially when I don't know whose it is.

11. Blood - I have never ever had haemophobia as a child or a teenager. In fact, I used to love taking blood tests and would never mind bandaging up a wound. It's been a recent realisation, when I saw a man bleed endlessly from his nose. And now, I find myself feeling queasy every time I see blood.

12. Bad breath. This actually needs to be WAY higher up in the list. It's one of the greatest, most nasty and repulsive things to be sat across or next to somebody who has bad breath, that as well if they're in conversation with you.

13. Lizards. They're just too creepy and crawly.

14. Cockroaches/flying cockroaches - thankfully you don't get them here, but when we lived in the Middle-East they were everywhere. The worst ones were the giant flying ones. Shudder!

15. The eggy taste in a slice of bread. It can ruin my entire morning.

You can trust me

Trust, الثقة, Confiance, Vertrauen, 信頼 - In most languages translates to "confidence" or is a synonym for "trust."

Through the course of all the various relationships I have had (I use the term "relationship" to describe every type of connection I have had with another individual - through family, friends, admiration and affection) trust has been something that I have always lacked, I have found. I lacked the confidence in my trusting abilities, and it was apparent for years.

It obviously went downhill after dad passed on. I lost the ability to trust in people in general, and I know that is normal. You go through all these crazy emotions and try to understand what happened, try to put things into perspective and end up losing faith along with everything else. After this point, when I did find myself getting close or attached to somebody, I somehow sabotaged it in my own head before it sabotaged in reality. It was like "well they're going to leave me anyway so why bother protecting it?" It sounds very damaging, and it was. I lost my confidence in trusting people - would probably be a spot on definition.

As the years passed, I found myself involved in deeper and more meaningful relationships - ones that I actually wanted to save and protect from myself - if that makes any sense. I decided to fix my issues with trusting people and giving my all in any type of relationship I was in. It became easier trusting those I was close to. There were people in my life that I used to hang out with often who didn't really know me. I would make my mark in the "group" as the funny one, the one to go to for information on various topics or the one that always have perfume and deodorant (which I still am!). Beyond that, nobody would realise what was behind these qualities. This was down to me building up a wall around me, fearing that if I shared parts of myself to those I could not trust enough, I would not be able to be a whole person. Trusting and sharing things with another person was essentially like taking pieces of me and distributing them - at least that is how I saw it.

The people I did trust, I used to get attached to. I would divulge all my thoughts, memories (not all - you all know my theory on memories) and various other things that defined me. It was the other extreme of how I was with those I was not close to. I could never find a good and healthy middle ground sadly. It was always one or the other. And what made it harder was that I only behaved that way to very very very few (I mean about 2 people). It was again, a very damaging way to go about things I know.. But it was the only way I knew how to trust anyone. It was worse because when these relationships came to an end either abruptly or due to difficulties, my abilities to trust demolished with them. It was a cycle I found myself in very often. It was simple, I could not trust. If I did, I wanted it to stay bubbled forever without hurting me.

It was only over the last couple of years where I have really come out of my shell or trusting people and understanding what is a good place to be when it comes to all my relationships. I know how much to give of myself and I know how much to save. I have lost some very close bonds I made with some over the last few years and it wasn't as catastrophic as I once remember. In fact, I remember thinking that time had come to end, put aside and just generally make my peace with the relationship that I was once a part of.

Alas, here I divulge another part of me with no worry. And of course, a song.

B-r-o-k-e-n

How many times have I used that word? I've lost count. I think if there was a system where you could record the most commonly used word in the world, it would definitely be "broken." I think with recent unsettled political events, changing and damaging weather, awful recession and just general unrest, people seem to be feeling broken and uncertain about their future.

There is so much negativity everywhere, and it's just so unsettling. I wish things would start working out, but somehow they seem to be stagnated. Another word I have been using a lot. Be it subconsciously or purposely, I tend to fit in very negative words in terms of speaking at times. They say that in order to get to something you really want you have to focus all your positivity and confidence on it. I think that is a load of crap at the moment. I think it's down to your luck. If you have good luck, then you can get anything.

Broken is such a strong word. You can be broken hearted, you can be physically broken, you can be mentally or emotionally broken. It's just a very fitting word I think, for many to describe their circumstance, so much so, that Takotsubo Cardiomypathy is also known as the Broken-Hearted Syndrome in the medical world. Because emotional stress can cause dysfunctions in the heart to an almost failing point. Isn't that so strange? You always hear of people getting heart conditions due to bad diet and external and internal stresses usually to do with finances, accommodation or businesses. But you never hear of people suffering from conditions due to physically being broken hearted from the emotional repercussions of losing a loved one, breaking up with somebody or just being very very hurt or sad.

As days go by, there are things I realise about the world that I am starting to dislike. The list gets longer day by day, and I think I need a thought-makeover to redeem everything before I become a sceptical cynic.

Here's a song. A fitting song.

Quote

"I'm struggling to stay relevant"

A love letter

As all of you know, I love words. If there is one thing I am most passionate about is words. In different forms. In every form. They fascinate me. Since I've been reading a lot of books and taking an interest in a lot of different writing over the internet as well, I started realising how people have changed in terms of how they communicate their affection towards another through their words.

Over time I have gathered a lot of information through the various things I have seen - be it on a train, or a passer bys overheard conversation. There are always new things that I'm learning about this "new" generation that's emerged. I've seen or heard people "dumping" their partners via text message by saying things like "were ova" - I mean, no decency to punctuate or even spell correctly. Surely the person receiving this text message needs a little more information, or at least words that make sense, right? Apparently not. It seems to be a very common thing. Especially to text message someone, or e-mailing them to say "i luv u" which let's be honest, is a bit annoying. At least respect the words in their right form. How much harder is it to add a few more vowels to the entire message, right? Okay, this isn't a rant (don't get me started on Valentines Day!). 

I've seen a lot of my friends and acquaintances fall in and out of 'love' several times in the same month. I don't judge them for it, because I think it is possible to have strong feelings for a few people in different ways. I just think that there is one person that fits perfectly with us in the end. 

When I was a teenager, and the friends/acquaintances I had around me, would often write letters/notes to the boys in our school, as we were in a segregated school. There were times where I would be sat next to them whilst they wrote it and it would read something like this "hey babes, u looked so hot/sexy yesterday when u were walking to the sports hall. What was Miss X doin with u and y were u laughing so much? i told dat b**** to stay away frm u. neways ill see u behind the buses at home time today. I love u mwah." These "love" notes would be passed around the entire school before reaching their destination at the boys section.

Whilst in college here in London, I realised that the concept of "love" was quite different. It was more about the physical side of things, and more about fighting and arguing loudly for everyone to see. Oh and cheating. For instance, I was once sitting with an acquaintance who was telling me all about her "love" story. She told me how they "dug" each other (no, not physically dig a hole in the ground, the other, more cooler "dig") and how they had met at a party, and now she was coming close to celebrating her 2nd year anniversary with him. I was impressed, until she told me that she didn't care for him and just stayed with him because it was easier than looking for somebody else. It was so upsetting to hear something like that, and apparently it was quite common. They weren't really "in love", they were just together. She once dictated an email she wanted me to write out to him due to some technical issue on her computer. It read, "yeh I love u 2. Soz cant make it to ur work 2day babe. c u lata."

I know that we have to move with the changes and everything, and I'm all for that. But there has to be some kind of protective bubble like substance that stays around words used to communicate affectionate and passionate feelings. I mean I understand that people need to get their message across, and in this day and age where people are trying to make long distance relationships work more and more, I get that the only communication you can have is digital. But still, preserving words for this is something I really believe in.

I think that it's getting harder to come across people who still think or write that way. Communicating such deep feelings should just flow out from your fingertips or your mouth, not every day but once in a while. You should feel inspired every time you see that person that it takes no effort at all to just use all these brilliant words that you have at your disposal. It's not just about writing or speaking in a more sincere and expressive manner, but it's also the type of words used to describe certain things - such as using "fit, buff, peng" and I regret to write "da bomb" (yes I'm serious), to describe somebody you find very attractive. Why does it have to be so hard to use something as simple as "beautiful/stunning/magnificent?"

I think some of the most breathtaking words ever written, have come from a very very long time ago. The legendary and renowned love letter (linked) for instance, by Beethoven was written somewhere in the 1700 or 1800. Words like that, make you envision something so fantastic. It makes you think "wow, this man/woman really knew how to love".. And although that's such a ridiculous thing to say, because well you can't possibly know how to love, you just do, right? But it makes you believe that this person, whoever he or she may be, had a great love story, one of those that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, with great twists and turns with a great happy ending. But maybe it wasn't so great, maybe it was just ordinary. But you see, that's the kind of thing words do to you.

It's all well and good to text message or e-mailing the person you have feelings for to let them know you're thinking about them. And it does make you feel special, receiving that email or text message which is well written, that has substance to it. If you read it in a book, you'd swoon. No, I'm not saying that people should always talk like they're out of a 1950's romantic movie, or a World War 1 soldier writing to his loved one far away. But there has to be something, that makes the words just stick to you for the day, week, and perhaps even years - where when you think about those words, even if that person no longer exists in your life, you feel warm and feel a rush of brilliant tingles.

I think that there are so many ways to write, talk and speak non-verbally to get your words of 'love' across to the person they're meant for and I don't see the use of degrading a few lovely words to make them sound like they came out of a chewing cow's mouth. I think we're better than that, no?


In the spirit of this post - a very fitting song.

Inspiraton.Inspire.Inspiring.Inspired

I watched this movie the other day, one I have been waiting to watch for ages. There was nothing terribly extraordinary about it, but there was something that really resonated with me.

There was this scene where one of the characters was talking to the woman he shared a relationship with, and what she said was so simple, but so effective. All she said to describe their relationship was "we inspired each other." And although that's not something you hear everyday, I think it's one of the most beautiful ways to define a relationship with somebody you care for deeply.

It got me thinking, about how a lot of the time we aren't inspired to do things we really want to. We get caught in this mess, this really awful spiral of routine and just lose inspiration to getting to the places we want to be with the people we want to be with. It's actually a really sad thought.

Of course I am inspired by my parents. I often think about my father and wonder how he did so many things, achieved such greatness and continued to influence those around him even after his passing. It's people like him who bring out the best in others and leave such amazing teachings behind. Yes, he is one of the main people in my life who I have been inspired by time and time again. Especially when I have found myself particularly stagnated.

One of the fears I have is that when I look back on these years when I'm older, that I will have regrets. Regrets of not being inspired to make changes, of not taking control and attempting to achieve what I wanted the most. I don't want to be one of those people who just falls into a pattern and lives with it.

I think we all need to have at least one person in our lives who we are inspired by. A muse. Whether or not we are the ones to inspire another, I don't know.. But it's worth a try.

(A song that's been in my head for a few days.)

The rest of me

Finding somebody who you share a good chemistry with is like finding the correct song to the tune you hum but never know what it is - it takes years to find.

I have been thinking a lot, with all the spare time I have. I've come to the conclusion that I don't have a pattern or a certain "quality" I go for, when making friends. When I look back on all the very close friendships I had over the years, I see no similarities. Each person did however bring a change to my character for that place I was in. I think if I were to describe any phase in my life up till now, I would have no problem in doing so, just by looking at the types of friends I had during that time. Obviously I am still in touch with some of them, but each time we do talk, I realise how much I have changed.

I guess these thoughts came about because I've been missing some of my closest friends. I have had a lot of time to spend with myself over the last couple of months, and lately I have found my company to be somewhat interesting. For instance, I visited the British Library the other day and it was gorgeous. I loved it. There was nothing spectacular there or life changing, but it was just the atmosphere I was in. It dawned on me that, although I have become accustomed to being by myself (not "alone" - notice the difference) I missed hanging around with some of my good friends.

I was explaining this concept to a few people the other day - the concept of enjoying doing things by yourself once in a while. It seemed like some people find this idea bizzare and somewhat saddening. I don't understand why really. I mean how uncomfortable do you have to be with yourself for not wanting to spend time with yourself, right? I think if everyone takes time to enjoy their own company (in a non-schizophrenic manner) you appreciate others just as much. It's something I learnt in Psychology actually - that people tend to redirect their worst qualities or fears upon another person, thinking that it's actually a fault in the person rather than themselves (called the "transference theory" for anyone interested). So I guess if you learn to deal with these fears and gain insight into yourself, you'd probably be more comfortable in your own skin and surroundings. It is hard to do, and accept a lot of the times, but hey it's worth a shot.

Anyway, as I was saying - I was trying to explain this concept to a few people and they found it so foreign and actually laughed at me. I found it particularly ignorant of them actually. It's like somebody STILL believing that Dubai is in Saudi Arabia. I mean, what if you want to watch a movie really badly, or go to an event that is only on for a day, but you don't have the company? Most people would choose not to go at all in fear of "looking bad" or "feeling lonely." I'm not saying that I'm a loner, or I like being by myself all the time. I'm just saying that it's important to have that relationship with yourself. We always forget to appreciate ourselves, and just pat ourselves on the back at the end of a hard day to say "well-done" or "don't worry, things will get better" in fear that you'll seem crazy. I say go all out, and talk to yourself once in a while, a full blown conversation about all sorts.

For those of you wondering, I'm not deluded, hallucinating, schizophrenic or anything else.

For the rest of you, especially the wonderful friends, who do "get me" - here's a song.

Eyes wider than before

Hello fellow.. followers? Wow, that was awful.

So I decided to take a few days away from the internet and my beloved Mac (I know, those who know me well know that I am OBSESSED with Machiavelli - no, not Niccolo Machiavelli the Italian philosopher. Although come to think of it, Machiavelli (my Mac) is pretty clever. And philosophical. And everything in between - now you can see why I needed a few days away from this crazy obsession).

I've been in this really strange funk for a while. One I've had a hard time pulling myself out of. It's been a mixture of things, but I think one of the predominant factors leading to this funk was the lack of direction I've had in terms of practically everything.

The months leading up to my graduation, I had certain thoughts about how the following months would turn out. I thought that after University ended, and after the whole "relaxation period" was over that I would find a good job within the field of Psychology, and things would just roll out after that. I knew I was entering the job market at an awful, awful, awful (times infinity) time, smack down in the recession and costing cuts. I knew that people would rather take on others, more experienced, who had been in similar working roles before so that they don't have to spend money training newbies. It makes sense and everything, but there used to be a time when graduates would get priority for certain jobs and now it's just so awful. What makes it worse is that I've come across some scams as well - and believe me, when you're THAT desperate to find employment, you get happy when you get a response after the amount of effort and time you spend on-line - you get really happy when someone takes an interest in your CV. It is so annoying and almost makes you feel a little less trusting towards posting your CV on the more legit websites.

Anyway, I think I've been pushing myself far too much in trying to find a job, and not really seeing whether it's something I want to do. It's not that I am being picky, because I have been to every single one of my interviews, be it in a Financial company or something more in my forte like a Children's Charity, I've done the best I could in all. Over the last couple of months however, I decided to narrow my interests into the areas I knew I could do well in, and actually have knowledge on. I started to concentrate on the experiences I've had, rather than go towards something brand new in this miserable recession, and settled on applying in that manner. It came to my attention however that I was having little luck in that area, but I continued to complete at least five applications by the end of each day, more if I was quicker. After months of sticking to the same routine and finding myself digging a deeper hole with each application and becoming so formulaic with the way I was writing, I realised I was going in circles. I had over 40 different covering letters, and similar amounts of CV's to accompany them. My heart wasn't in what I was doing everyday, as it became a part of my daily routine - something I had a timetable for automatically and did without fail every day, and by the end of it I would just copy paste several of my pre-written statements. I found myself however, spending a lot of time on very few applications for jobs I really wanted. Those were the ones I felt most satisfied with.

A few days ago it dawned on me that I was just heartlessly doing things because I had to. I had to find a job, because it's logically the next big thing to go on to once graduation was over and done with. It's one of those pre-set plans for mostly everyone. It was mine, and I wanted to live up to it as well. Six months later, a whole lot of job interviews, rejections and uncountable applications later, I'm still unemployed. I blamed most of this on the recession and the uncertainty it bought with it, but at some point I had to stop and think. I had to reassess where I was going with everything and realised that I had a part to play in the funk I was in.

After a lot of thought, I decided to take a few days off from this insane routine. I had to spend time with myself and sit quietly and understand what I was doing. It was really important for me to be away from technology, annoying applications and everything in between and gain some perspective on how I got into such a little spiral. Obviously I didn't expect to have a breakthrough magical moment like they do in the movies, but I did come out feeling a little less hazy and crazy. I understood that I have to change a lot of my ways in order to move forward, not only in the job world but otherwise too, I need to constantly remind myself where my feet are and where my head is, without letting it get too messy.

Perhaps I won't find the perfect job, or the perfect situation. But I'm okay with that. I think what I've found most essential is knowing when to stop and just "going with the flow" without getting too stressed. Oh, and obviously listening to Gandalf's wise words of "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us" (Instead of wasting it).

Alas readers (what else can I call you people? I'm out of creative words, unless you want to see some more of that great alliteration), I'm leaving you with a song.

Understand?

Understanding someone/something is hard. You can tell somebody that you "understand" them, but do you really? I mean, we can rave on about how much we actually "get" other people, and their thoughts and so forth. But I think it's very rare we have that spark with another person where you just know what they're thinking or feeling just by looking at them.

I think I've been fortunate in meeting some very wonderful people across the phases of my existence - some whom I have shared that connection/spark with. More often though I've felt that I've known or understood the person better than they have with me. There have been times where I have thought that I was the more loyal and dedicated person in a relationship as well. This is probably down to how seriously I take those sparks/connections that I manage to have with very few people. It's only over the past couple of years where I have really started sharing parts of me (very carefully!) with different individuals in my life. There have been many moments that one of these individuals have told me "I knew you were thinking that! I just knew it!" And I have to say, it feels oddly warming to know that someone can read your thoughts or expressions that well.

Recently I've taken time to appreciate such connections I've made with various individuals across the globe, and I have to say that a part of me has been left with each of them - whether we are still in touch or not, and whether that connection lasted a day or a few years, I think it's important to create some memory space for them.

Some classic music - reminiscent of some lovely people I know, and have known.

Three Little Birds

Don't worry about a thing, cause every little thing, gonna be all right.
Rise up this morning, smiled with the rising sun,
Three little birds pitch by my doorstep
Singing sweet songs of melodies pure and true
Saying - "This is my message to you"

Plummet

I notice how the tones of my posts are changing over the last few weeks. Yes, it is definitely a reflection of deeper thoughts, harder times and different emotions.

I have found that I confuse myself a lot lately. I can somehow always give sound and logical advice to those around me, but when it comes down to myself I manage to do the complete opposite. That is, I seem to never follow the advice I give to others for myself. I have these crazy battles within my head of what to do next, all the time. It's like sometimes I'm many people in a fish market in there (I hope they're at least buying good fish).

I'm the type of person who never really tells anyone when I'm going through something, unless that person is very very close to me - even then, I seem to tell them later on when I've calmed down. I've become very accustomed to dealing with my emotions and problems myself for a very long time now, and I guess I often mistake asking for help as a sign of weakness, almost. Or not. I think I'm afraid of hurting others around me as well, that maybe they'll start worrying about my issues. Plus it's also a psychological thing - if you think you're unhappy, then you will be unhappy, make others around you unhappy and create a great big unhappiness spiral for yourself. I've been there already and it's not pretty. Yeah, I have a few odd hours of negative emotions, but I somehow manage to pick myself up by the end of the day. I guess my logic takes over at some point (hallelujah!).

I mean I understand that whatever my "problems" are, aren't necessarily as bad as other things people are growing through across the world. That is something that usually brings me back down (to earth) and appreciate what I have whilst lifting the focus away from the various hardships I may be facing. However, sometimes those things don't make a difference. Yes others may be suffering, but what I'm going through is big for me. I wish I could do help others, but I can't. The only person I can help is me, and if sometimes wallowing or feeling gloomy helps me, then so be it. I guess what I'm trying to say (in a roundabout way) is that, I know there are billions out there worse off than me, and I acknowledge that everyday in my own way.. But that doesn't mean that I should just fluff my issues - no matter how big or small they may seem to another person - off, acting like they mean nothing. Perhaps its a way of dealing with it at times, because I know I often feel different once I think about others. In fact, I feel guilty sometimes, when I feel unhappy or let down by circumstances, knowing that I still have so much to appreciate (not to say that I don't otherwise). Ah c'est la vie, non?

But I guess in the end, we all want someone to catch us when we're falling sometimes.. Or at least throw a rope.

In the interest of falling - here's a great song.

"When I was just a little girl"

As a young girl, I was quite.. Peculiar, to put it nicely. At least I think so. I remember finding myself doing a lot of things alone - like playing with my toys (which as my sisters put it "hoarding and arranging stickers" - I'll explain later), and interacting with those much older than me. When I was about 7 or so, I would always hang around when my sisters friends would come over. I guess it was weird having two older sisters and being the youngest with strange age-gaps as well as not living in the UK with the cousins who were about the same age as me. That's why my sisters wouldn't obviously want to do things with me that were too "young" for them, such as playing with my awesome doll house (without dolls of course, considering I hated dolls), my kitchen set (of course! I've been a chef from a young age!) and board games like Guess Who and etc.

I look back on my childhood now, whilst I see my nieces and nephew grow up, and that's when all these thoughts came into my head. I started thinking about all the things I used to do when I was younger, and how exactly I spent my time. A large part of me obviously stems from my childhood, which I hope has evolved for the better right now.

When we first moved to the UAE, I remember being ill all the time. There were weeks I wouldn't attend school due to extremely high fever, nose bleeds and all sorts of crazy things like that. There were many nights I would wake up with my pillow soaked in blood from my nose, and wouldn't really know why it would happen. There were also those days I wouldn't want to go to school because I was scared of an Arabic or French test I'd have (languages have clearly never been my forte!) There are several things that stick out a great deal from the first few years we spent across Dubai and Abu Dhabi - such as having nightmares all the time (some I still remember vividly!), and having my family over from the US and UK a lot as well. It was also around that time where I went to India on a massive family trip around different cities - such as going to see the Taj Mahal and the Agra (red) Fort.

Growing up, I recall spending a lot of time with my parents without my sisters as well. As they were older than me, they were allowed to go on holidays with my cousins and do other things whilst I stayed wherever my parents were. I didn't usually mind as I used to keep myself quite busy doing all sorts like reading comics (ARCHIE'S ftw!) and watching movies that I never really understood with my dad like, Jason and the Argonauts or some strange Indian movie which I used to watch exhaustively. I used to hang out with them quite a lot, and what's strange is that I can't remember what I used to do with them. It seems like such a blur, for the most part.

There were lots of moments with food though. It explains a lot about the chub I walked around with for many years. Yes, food! Eating many shawarma's (from around town) and fish fillets from McDonalds was just the beginning. Food was something I think became a part of my personality, weird as it sounds. Everyone would always ask my mum what she was feeding me, as I was quite a healthy little (fat) girl. There was this phase where I was piling on the tyres by the week, and my parents began worrying for me - perhaps I had a thyroid problem, or some type of hormonal imbalance. There were so many blood tests that were taken for the following two-three weeks. It was actually around that time where my fear for needles vanished as I became so accustomed to them. Alas, it was found that I had no health issue associated to the increase in my weight, but that I was just happy and jolly by nature.

I feel quite sad knowing how much time I spent alone though. I used to have many, many friends - some I still meet every time I go to Dubai and others who have become very close to me. I would always attend birthday parties and other get togethers like that - but I would never go out of my way to go visit them and stay over at their house or something. I was so used to playing, watching, reading and just being alone. Yes, I used to collect a lot of things - like coins, phone cards, stickers, stationary (especially colour pencils and rubbers), as well as little unusual objects which I strangely still have. Whilst cleaning out a lot of my junk last month, I came across various things which I had since I was very young. It hit me then, that I spent a lot of time dazing off to this very unknown world of mine. I was a very eccentric child.

I think the reason to why I was like that, was due to how many times we would move. I never really thought about it until recently. We would move cities or houses within cities quite a lot. I didn't mind of course, cause each time my parents made sure we were comfortable and settled perfectly well. I think that's what lead me to have less attachments to the friends I made across the Middle East, but at the same time understand the reality of things as well.

There are so many of my sisters friends (who have over time become family friends, due to my cousins moving to the Middle East and attending the same schools as us) who knew me as I was growing up. They remember such silly things about me but they also remember how I used to always be the youngest person at the gatherings they would have. It's clear now, that I was always older than my age. The interactions I would look for, always came from much older people. Perhaps that's why throughout my "teenage" years, I found myself constantly hanging around individuals who were very different - people who didn't fit into cliques or had a "group" they hung out with during lunch/PE times and those who were also eclectic in their own ways. However, I somehow always found something more in them than others would. I look back now on all the "close friendships" I had each year of my secondary school, and began noticing the above pattern in the friends I made.

I've learnt in Psychology how your experiences at a young age, affect you at a later age - such as how you are in a romantic relationship or how you form friendships. I have to say it's absolutely true. I am the type of person who has kept in touch with the people I met way back in Kindergarten - and have very very few close friends who know me well currently.

I have also seen how different children are now. I mean, a large portion of their lives are dependent upon technology. Children as young as 3 know how to operate a laptop probably better than their own parents, and use language to form such surprising phrases. I'm not saying that I was dense as a child or anything, but there were so many other things I would do with my time. I know that this new generation is quite different obviously, and can't live the way I did or my sisters did whilst we were growing up, and they would probably be singled out as being weird -- but I guess I feel almost sorry for them. Even the cartoons they watch, it's not the innocent single-meaning type that I used to watch. I mean shows like Ben 10 and this whole absolutely annoying Disney-Channel era of Hannah Montana and Jonas Brothers is just not young-childlike, you know? I mean, they have double meaning jokes and apparent hidden messages (which make parents paranoid) in mostly many "young" shows and cartoons. There's absolutely no innocence left. I think I was really really innocent till my late-teenage years. And I loved it. No, I wasn't naive or stupid, just innocent. When others were off doing ridiculous things with their boyfriends at age 15, I was busy reading, writing, hanging out with the family, travelling and just trying to keep up with having acne and all those crazy things.

When I was doing my A-levels in Media Studies, I recall doing this whole module on children TV - like a before and after segment - from the 70's and 80's to the current millennium. It was one of the most interesting topics I had ever studied. I remember watching episodes of Bag Puss and the old and original Scooby doo as well as others like Sesame Street. It was quite strange to see how overtime people started finding reasons to make shows like Sesame Street seem perverted. When I watch an old episode now, I don't find it corrupted. 

I have heard many stories of myself as a baby, infant, toddler and annoying-aged child (the very silly age from 4 - 10) throughout my life. I have heard the stories about my singing abilities of many songs, and how loudly I screeched when I didn't get something I wanted or when somebody teased me. I've heard it all. But one of my most favourite stories is how much I used to love the song "Nothings Gonna Change My Love for You by Glenn Mederios" (linked) at the age of 3. Obviously I had no idea what the song was, what the dude was saying or why it was a nice song. But it's just something that really makes me smile.

I hope this post (and song) manages to trigger some really sweet and pleasant childhood memories for you today.