You can trust me

Trust, الثقة, Confiance, Vertrauen, 信頼 - In most languages translates to "confidence" or is a synonym for "trust."

Through the course of all the various relationships I have had (I use the term "relationship" to describe every type of connection I have had with another individual - through family, friends, admiration and affection) trust has been something that I have always lacked, I have found. I lacked the confidence in my trusting abilities, and it was apparent for years.

It obviously went downhill after dad passed on. I lost the ability to trust in people in general, and I know that is normal. You go through all these crazy emotions and try to understand what happened, try to put things into perspective and end up losing faith along with everything else. After this point, when I did find myself getting close or attached to somebody, I somehow sabotaged it in my own head before it sabotaged in reality. It was like "well they're going to leave me anyway so why bother protecting it?" It sounds very damaging, and it was. I lost my confidence in trusting people - would probably be a spot on definition.

As the years passed, I found myself involved in deeper and more meaningful relationships - ones that I actually wanted to save and protect from myself - if that makes any sense. I decided to fix my issues with trusting people and giving my all in any type of relationship I was in. It became easier trusting those I was close to. There were people in my life that I used to hang out with often who didn't really know me. I would make my mark in the "group" as the funny one, the one to go to for information on various topics or the one that always have perfume and deodorant (which I still am!). Beyond that, nobody would realise what was behind these qualities. This was down to me building up a wall around me, fearing that if I shared parts of myself to those I could not trust enough, I would not be able to be a whole person. Trusting and sharing things with another person was essentially like taking pieces of me and distributing them - at least that is how I saw it.

The people I did trust, I used to get attached to. I would divulge all my thoughts, memories (not all - you all know my theory on memories) and various other things that defined me. It was the other extreme of how I was with those I was not close to. I could never find a good and healthy middle ground sadly. It was always one or the other. And what made it harder was that I only behaved that way to very very very few (I mean about 2 people). It was again, a very damaging way to go about things I know.. But it was the only way I knew how to trust anyone. It was worse because when these relationships came to an end either abruptly or due to difficulties, my abilities to trust demolished with them. It was a cycle I found myself in very often. It was simple, I could not trust. If I did, I wanted it to stay bubbled forever without hurting me.

It was only over the last couple of years where I have really come out of my shell or trusting people and understanding what is a good place to be when it comes to all my relationships. I know how much to give of myself and I know how much to save. I have lost some very close bonds I made with some over the last few years and it wasn't as catastrophic as I once remember. In fact, I remember thinking that time had come to end, put aside and just generally make my peace with the relationship that I was once a part of.

Alas, here I divulge another part of me with no worry. And of course, a song.