Regret.

For a while now.. I've been in constant thought. Thoughts about how I could've done so many things so very differently over the years. More so, last year and the past couple of weeks. We all make mistakes, all do a lot of things that we shouldn't have, or should have. But then, there comes a time.. Where you just sit and realise, all the things you did wrong. For me, that time comes at least once, everyday.

Over the years, especially the past five.. I've never taken massive leaps of faith. I've never really been the one to take chances, or to you know.. Do something extraordinary and wild. I've always been the girl in the corner, staring at her feet and drifting off to another place. I've never mixed well with big crowds, and I still don't. I always need to look for an escape, whether it's leaving early, or whether it's sitting in the corner of a room, and just texting someone who makes me feel comfy. In the past year and few months, I've said "I should have.." the most. And honestly, being 18.. and saying things like that is quite.. Sad. Having so many regrets already, is very.. Strange.

Seeing myself now though, I've changed a lot. For me to say something like that, is pretty rare. I notice subtle changes within myself, but I still do have those regrets, everyday. I still wish I had done so many more things, when I had the chance to.. Going on those crazy roller-coasters at theme parks. Or something even more bigger, like saying the right things for once. I've only ever seen myself as someone who always does the opposite of what she's meant to. But I think maybe, that's all in order to change now.. At least, I hope so.

Over the past couple of weeks, a lot of things have come to my attention. I've had to make a lot changes in me, just to make things right. At the time, it was probably one of the most painful things to do. Letting go of all the comfort I knew of, for all those years.. That, safety bubble. Ever since I was young, I was always very protected. My dad wouldn't let me even cry or throw tantrums for something I wanted. It's safe to say, I was pretty much spoilt by my parents. He'd hold my hand to cross the road till I was 14. I used to hold on to his big index finger, till then.. So you can imagine how hard it was for me, to just learn to walk on my own, let alone cross the street. One of my dad's greatest fears was that one day, his daughters would actually grow up. Seeing me turn 18 would've probably made him so very emotional, and possibly would have broken him, as it would've made him realise that I was old enough now, to make my own decisions, and finally leave home and make my life.. It was probably a thought that scared him, everyday.. Although now that I think about it, I doubt I'd've ever even taken this step had he been here. I would have just left it up to him, to make my decisions for me, and make my pro's and con's lists too.. Leaving all of this behind has been a challenge, and it's still an on-going process which is also better known as, "growing up".

I've realised though, after much in-depth contemplation, that having regrets only slows down productive processes. It only gives me a reason to not do something, or get somewhere.. and sit and procrastinate further. I've had far too many "should have" and "could have's" to last me for a very very long time. But I think it's time to just put that all behind me.. Put it all behind me, and "live in the moment", rather than waste my time now, in regret.

So, here's to all of you who have issues like I do. And to the rest, who I hope don't ever have the opportunity to say.. "I should have".

Alas, my work is done here for the day.. I leave you all to this appropriate quote from One Tree Hill.

Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small.. Like when we do a bad thing for a good reason. Some are bigger.. Like when you let down a friend.

Some of us escape the pain of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret, because we're looking forward to the future. Sometimes, we have to fight to come to terms with the past.. And sometimes, we bury our regret by promising to change our own ways.

But, our biggest regrets are not for the things we did - But, for the things we didn't do. Things we didn't say, that could've saved someone we care about.. Especially when we can see the dark storm that's headed their way..