Completely Incomplete

Empty souls, is what we are. It's been an ongoing realisation process for me to kind of see and find out how people are.. It's like we're all empty souls just walking around, and when we find something that fills a space, even if it's momentarily, we hold on to it so tight.. Just to make sure that part of you stays a bit complete.

Some people go through a large portion of their lives with no kind of partner to love. Others have them for a moment, and then they just pass by. Some have them for a lifetime but take it for granted, others have them for a lifetime and try to make the most of what they have. I don't really know where I fall in all of this.. I don't really know where my future is heading, or how it's going to shape out to be.

When I was much younger I used to think that my life would either lead into scenario A or B; Scenario A being the one where I get everything I want, but somehow find myself lonely. Scenario B being the one where I don't get everything I want, but somehow find myself feeling complete. For now I think I'm in between being complete and incomplete.

If I had a chance to change things I've done or not done, I would most definitely take the opportunity, not thinking twice and go right ahead and put things straight. But, realistically speaking how is any of that possible? You can't really live a "perfect" life. To be honest, I don't even think the word perfect exists. Everything I know about the world, or about people shows it to be imperfect. And that I guess is what is great about it all - like the people we love and care for, we love them because they have all these strange edges to them, all these completely insane and weird and perhaps even irritating qualities to them. And that is what makes a person.. Well, an individual.

I don't think a person can ever feel entirely complete. There's always something missing. At times you know what it is, and at others you have no clue. Though there are those odd days where you feel that nothing in the world can make you feel as great and "perfect" as the way you do then - but even those pass. I think it's completely impossible to be 100% satisfied with every single aspect of your life at any given point in your life. In my opinion, it doesn't exist. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that it's hard to be happy with your life, I'm just saying that it's just not possible to feel that everything is "complete". Those are two different things.

Meh.

We always want more. We always want things that are out of reach or in our eyes, are impossible to get to.

So here I stand, strangely incomplete and without a clue.

I'm okay for a little while longer

Have I mentioned how much I love my life, lately? Well.. I do. And things like One tree hill make it all the more better.

Sigh.

I've just finished my first year of university. Yep. I KNOW! That's exactly what I was thinking.. How in heavens name did a year fly by so quickly?! I don't know. But I have to say, it's been one of the best few months of my life. Seriously, amazing. The friends, the growing up, the independence, the everything really.. The maintaining of relationships, the understanding of different things that I was against or didn't really have knowledge on before.

So what is in store for me for this summer?! Let's see!

A job. That pays. Yes. That thing. And maybe a trip to France or Greece! And.. Maybe an internship with BBC, that's if they realise what they're getting themselves into. And ofcourse, moving into my new house!!! =D

Gasp. I turned 20 this month. Yes, it was exciting and very confusing. Because since that day, I think I've said and done more childish things ever. Tsk. Things like this:

Me: You're so stupid.
Friend: At least I have a brain.
Me: Yeah.. Well.. You're even more stupider.
Friend: Hey man, at least I can hold an intelligent conversation with people.
Me: Yeah? Oh really? Well you're so stupid that you don't even know what intelligent means. HAH!

Yeah.. So that's me as of late. I'm so sad. It's unbelievable.

OH! Btw.. I got one of the most AWESOMEST GIFTS EVER!! I was gifted a pair of tickets for the ALTER BRIDGE CONCERT IN NOVEMBER!! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD. *Breathes*. I'm cool. I'm good. =| I faint everytime I think of it. The awesomeness it screams. Is just.. indescribable.

In the words of.. Well.. Me. I'm going to go eat.

Ciao, Bella's.. And.. Men.

Twenty

So I turned 20. Hahahaha. Sorry.. It just sounded like a joke in my head. But then I said it aloud, and it was real. Tsk.

Yep. The big Two Zero - 20. I don't know how in heaven's name I turned that old. I mean, I'm not a teenager any more! No more.. "-teen" stuck to my age! No more pretending to be all cool because I'm a teenager (though I'm pretty sure I don't need to do that any more either, considering how cool I am *Ooh*). But you know.. It's a big deal! I don't get why the 21st birthday is so important. Surely, turning 20 is far more important, considering how you're just getting out of the whole teenage thing completely, and kind of stuck in a weird stage where you don't really know what to call yourself. But to be fair I don't really feel any different - only because I think I've mentally shrunk to being 5 again.

I had *the* most brilliant birthday. Sure, I've had some pretty cool birthdays before, but they were all awesome in their own way. This one though, was spent just with my friends. And I think I've not had that in years. At least not with such good friends like these. And all I'll mention is.. it included a little something that shot up my adrenaline levels, and literally took me higher than I've been before. Yes my fellow readers.. That's right. Stealth. It's all about STEALTH. To those of you who are currently uneducated and living in remote parts of the world (See - Dubai, Sydney, Montreal.. Etc), it is the most brilliant-est ride at Thorpe Park (again - that being an amusement/theme park)! Oh how I enjoy making foreigners feel inferior! =D Tsk.

That wasn't all that happened. Cake was also involved. And by involved I mean - yes, all over my hair and clothes. I ended up smelling like puke and looking like I couldn't handle myself and therefore poo'd in my white trousers. Tsk. Other things were thrown to me too - of which, I think included - orange and lemon peels and juice, and coke or something to that effect.

So, I would say - yep, it was a pretty awesome day.

Now, on to more depressing and you know, kind of - a little - important. Exams. Yes.. That thing. Well it's my first set of exams here at uni.. And considering how they all told us about it in the beginning, I think it's safe to say that no one is really taking them seriously. Why? Because when the lecturer's first words of a first lecture are.. "And the first year of Psychology counts 0% Towards your overall degree, and you are allowed to fail 2 out of 6 exams so as to progress to the next year. Don't worry, the second and third year is where you do all the work. The first year is just there as an excuse.. For something I have no idea about".. - You kind of get the feeling that it's all play and no work kind of situation. Tsk.

Having said that, I'm actually studying pretty hard. Okay.. Maybe that's a bit of a lie. But you know.. Pretty hard can also mean that every morning I set out all my books and notes all over my room, and take about an hour to get everything in order, and then go on to watching Eastenders, or general trash on TV.. Then yes, I am working pretty hard. Cough.

On that note, I think I'm very certain that my mum's next words will be.. "Let's take you back home". Tsk.

I joke.. Ahem. Or do I?

Hey man.. In my defence, you only go to uni once. Unless you become one of those people who have about 50 different postgraduate degrees, and like 10 masters and 5 PhD's.. (If any of that is possible).

On another note:

I dislike people who have to have a reason for everything they do/say. And need to back it up with intense and useless information. And increasing amounts of immaturity from other people has been taking it's toll on me - In simple words, I may.. Just may push you down the stairs "accidently". Cough.

.. And that's about it from me. In another 364 days I turn 21. Yep - that's exactly how sad I am.

A bit of a clump of uhm.

So One Tree Hill is back on the very top of my list - of favourite, greatest and also to the things that matter most to me in my life. Forget everything and everyone else. Yep.. It's definitely back. God.. How I've missed it.

I know I've been talking about TV a lot recently.. But come on!!! Teenage marriages, cheating, careers going wrong, getting rich, publishing novels (a life long dream), Prison and most of all.. Heart breaks. Oh yeah... This is the drama my life misses. Well, scratch that. I guess almost all of that is part of my life in some way - apart from the "getting rich" part. Although, having said that.. I did play the Lottery this week. Never speak to soon!! Cough.

I've just realised that I lead a pretty dramatic life - well, the people in it lead those kind of lives.. And I somehow become a part of it by listening to them. Oh my god. Could this really be? Am I one of the Tree Hill people?! IS MY DREAM REALLY COMING TRUE!!!! GASP!

...

Having had my moment of pretend-fame, let's move on!

I had an interesting night tonight. I didn't really do anything out of the ordinary or you know, ecstatic in any way. It was just lovely to be out with friends and chit chat about really meaningless things - Example:

Friend: I know.. Did you see her in Dancing On Ice?
Me: She was so good.
Friend: No she wasn't.
Me: Oh okay. Who are you talking about anyway?
Friend: You know.. The person who dances on ice.
Me: Uhh.. The show IS called Dancing on Ice, I'd imagine everyone would be doing that.
Friend: Hahahahah Oh yeah! That's true.
Me: But you know.. You can beg to differ. Maybe it's one of those cases where they make you think it's ice.. But it's actually.. Fake Ice.
Friend: .. Like jelly?
Me: Like Jelly.
Friend: Jelly.
Me: I wonder.. If it were on tv.. would they call it "Dancing on Jelly.. On Telly".
Friend: *Unamused, baffled and wondering why she was my friend*. Uhm ...

Of course this isn't really a REAL excerpt from today.. But it's practically the way most conversations go. Some may say, that it's useless.. But oh no. You need to look beyond the uhm.. Lines of pure.. Uh.. Cleverness, to see that we're actually talking about something far more.. er.. Important - yes! That's it.. Important.

Blimey. I have realised many things today, as I've mentioned earlier. But one of the main things is that - I never talk of anything important. Nope. Don't even know what the word means. Well I do.. But you know.

Talking about important things - today, I found out that I am a Libertarian! Obviously it took me 19 years and 11 months to figure out what the word even meant. But it was great knowing that I have some sort of political views. Even though I hardly understood the questions I was being asked. I mean how are you supposed to know what words like "regulation" and "monopolies" mean at 6 o'clock in the evening? [I was doing a quiz on Facebook by the way.. If that makes any more sense!]

AND! Might I add.. I have decided to do something interesting, and non-time-wasting with my life for the summer! I know what you're all thinking - you're thinking, "Oh great! One MORE plan for her life.. That will obviously be forgotten in the next few hours".. But oh no. See, you've got me all wrong this time! I've decided to apply to BBC (I know.. Like I stand a chance!) for some sort of internship/voluntary stuff. Even if they keep me in the coffee-making room. Or you know.. Make me just do dusting around - I will do it. It's the BBC after all. They broadcast EASTENDERS. Okay, no that's not the ENTIRE reason.. Cough.

I shall head off now and try and think about some MORE plans.. In case BBC actually realises what they're getting themselves into if they hire me. Tsk.

Grumble

.. Okay maybe not that constant with the whole writing thing. Tsk.

In my defence, I've been really busy.. With you know.. Stuff. Fluff. Etc..

Okay! OKAY!! You caught me.. I can't lie any further. I've been watching me waste my life away these past few weeks - in watching trashy tv, sleeping.. Did I mention, watching trashy tv? I didn't realise how important bad tv is.. And let me tell you - it's very important. I mean, watching things like "my super sweet 16".. "Hogan knows best".. And well.. I'm pretty sure you all know what i'm talking about now. Yep.. THAT kind of trashy tv. The kind that if you watch, your IQ level drops. You know, if you have one, that is. But it's so great, watching 16 year old - spoilt teenagers go "oh my gawd, like, daddy can I please have a hummer for my birthday.. I don't want a lexus anymore daddy. Like if I don't get one then my party will be so like.. embarrasing. Please daddy."

I'm starting to wonder why exactly I watch it.. tsk

A few weeks back I worked 3 days in a row.. I worked till I couldn't feel my feet anymore. Until my feet couldn't feel themselves either! It was like a luxury when I sat down, even if for two minutes.. I think I realised how much I take, sitting down - for granted. Which is why, over the past 2 weeks of my holiday, I have shown great passion for sitting down. Hence, the trashy tv.

Yeah.. No matter how I put it, it just doesn't seem to sound like a good enough excuse to why I .. I.. Gosh, I can't even bring myself to saying it!

Anyway.. Moving on from this.. Uh.. topic.

I've recently found out that my exams start in May. That is, Next month. I have also recently found out that I need to study 3 full University-size text books for 3 of the subjects.. So It's safe to say, I'm not a happy bunny. Although "recently" does, in actuality mean "close to a few months ago".. But you know. That's considered fairly recent as well. Cough. I guess this is what happens when I miss lectures - for reasons as straight forward as "I forgot I had a lecture" - even when the timetable is pasted on my wall. In big block letters. Tsk.

In other news:

I've fallen in love with Westlife's song - Us against the world. It's one of the most sweetest songs ever. It's the kind of song that makes me get all dreamy. Yeah, it's been a while since a cheesy song has made me feel that way!

OH MY GOD! This man on TV just climbed an entire building without any support whatsoever..

.. And that my friends, is my cue to stop writing. Tsk.

Guess who's back.. Back again!

I would sit here and update the world on where I was in the past few months, but you know what.. Somethings are better left unsaid! So I'm going to be all mysterious and leave that be!

I love my life. I love every aspect of it.. University is absolutely great! Though looking back now, I never thought I'd make it this far. In year 11, during my GCSE's, I was so sure I would fail my A-levels and end up in some crappy university. But thankfully, it's far from all of that.

I was thinking earlier.. about my earlier teenage years (gosh I sound like an old woman!). I thought about my first and last prom! It was the typical high school prom that everyone goes through.. The kind where your crush (of the time) is dancing with the most popular girl in school, and inevitably becomes the runner up to prom king or some crap like that! You get all dressed up, spend lots of money on the dress and the ticket.. And have this huge dilemma then of, "who is going to be my chaperone?".. Obviously then your best friend's brother comes to rescue and takes both of you together. Whew. Thankfully you don't look stupid or alone. But once you get there, you realise that it's turning out to be worse than any nightmare you've had. You don't eat a thing, because well.. Eating in front of boys is considered bad, and then they'll think you're fat! And clearly you can't look bored because you have to act like you're sociable so that people don't think you are sad. You see the to-be prom queen walking around, and you so know that she's going to be it. And then your night just fades and after an hour of being there, you come back home, put on your pj's and wonder what in heaven's name took you over for you to attend such an event! Obviously then you call someone who inevitably is waiting for you to call and rant.. And the story goes on.

I laughed my head off at myself.. Thinking about how dramatic that one day in my life was. It wasn't even an important day or anything.. It was the hype surrounding the "PROM" that made it all really "omg-worthy". But it was a good laugh. Thinking about how absolutely stupid and immature my so-called problems were then. Tsk. At least now my problems have matured too.. Yep, they have. They now vary from "oh no, I haven't done an essay that is due in 2 hours.. And is worth the entire course-passing grade" - to - "I'm broke. I'm in double negatives in my account. You'd think it'd make a positive and that I'd have more money.. But no. That's how bad it is." So I'd like to think I've grown up.. You know, a little.

By the way.. I turn 20 this year. Yep. No more "-teen" stuck to the back of my age. I would officially have been around for two decades. Yes, that makes it seem far older than when I just said "20".. tsk. But it's exciting! Soon.. I will be travelling the world (I don't know where that came from..). But anyway, this year is going to be fantastic.

I now go and procrastinate my essay further.

PS - This does NOT mean I'm back for good. Or maybe it does.

"Be you angels? And we said NAY!"

Yes, it's been ages since I've actually opened my blog to write something interesting.. I know, I've deprived you all of my fancy words, great thoughts and absolute sheer coolness. I'm sorry for that.

But look! I came back! Oh yes I did.. =D

I've been literally, enjoying my life to the absolute fullest these past few weeks.. I've experienced things I never thought I would, or possibly was clouded against. Moments like being in a fast car, with the window wide open and singing to all sorts of songs with your mates, whilst driving down to the pizza place at 3AM.. Is just one of the many things that have made me feel alive.. Like myself. Yeah, it may seem really silly and very everyday-like.. But I don't think I've ever felt more free, and completely footloose.

Being away from uni, feels so odd now. It feels like a whole part of me has gone on a long pause, until I go back. I just feel like a very different person now.. A more lively, more open and happier person. I love this feeling. It's like I'm always on this great high.

Being at uni, is such a different experience. It's been six weeks only, and yet I feel like I know some of the people I've met, for years. We don't have big massive discussions about how life is like this or like that, or how our pasts have affected us, if at all. We don't care about the specifics about people.. There's no care about where you've come from and what kind of family you've come from. It's all about you, as an individual. It's all about moulding your own views, beliefs and opinions..

These past several weeks have taught me so much about myself. I'm finally at a place of absolute comfortablity (if such a word exists!) .. No one dictates your actions or words, and most of all, no one judges you either. Whoever you are, whatever you've done - you're accepted. And what makes it far better are the friends I've made, who are real individuals. No one is a clone. And most of all, no one is from East London.. 'Nuff said!

I've talked so much about growing up in this blog of mine.. Though I don't think I ever did. Things from the past, or new struggles at the time always stopped me from achieving what I wanted to. Yeah, I always used to say "from now on, I'm going to take this or that with a pinch of salt".. Erm, yeah.. Kind of saw how well that worked. It was always this sick-cycle. But I am pleased and absolutely bloody glad to say that I've managed to break that cycle.

It's no wonder everyone always says.. "The university years you'll go through, will be the best years." I can see why that comment would be true.

Finally, I've been going through a lot of change with my music as of recently.. And I have to say, The Beatles are becoming a rather large part of it. I. Love. Them. So here's one of my favourite songs by them.. The quality isn't that good, but it's worth a watch/listen.

"Stand on the edge with me.."

You know that feeling.. That undescribeable feeling, when you're running so fast, and all you can feel is your heart thumping rapidly and you can feel droplets of sweat across your forehead with your feet that just don't seem to stop at all.. And you just keep going and going.. And just feel so absolutely free! Well take that feeling, and multiply it by a thousand, and maybe.. Just maybe, you'll see how I feel right now.

The move to uni was very smooth.. I wasn't that nervous when I found my room and settled in. I was more excited than anything really.. To meet my flat mates, to get started with freshers' week, to do all of the new student things.. And just have a good time. And I did.

It's been an interesting past 2 weeks of my life.. One that I've waited for, for far too long.. Judging by how the past year has been for me, lord knows.. I needed this. And I know for sure, that I deserve it as well. (Wow, that was probably the first time I've ever said that!)

All the moments leading up to this part of my life, was worth it. All that I had gone through, for all these years, be it good or bad, was worth every bit.. I have a slight inkling, that this year will get better as it progresses. None of that negativity, or sadness anymore.. This is where it all starts to go uphill. And I don't "hope" for it.. I know it.

So here's to all of you, who have begun a new part of your life. It feels great.. Doesn't it?

PS: Here's a song, that has become my favourite over the past few weeks.. Goo Goo Dolls - Before it's too late.

Run Like Mad

Here I go.. One more time.

In exactly 7 days time, I will be taking the first step to a new phase in my life. It's been a long time since I took on a phase I actually wanted to live through. This particular one though, I've waited ages for..

It's kind of surreal to be honest. Everything I wanted, I got. I wanted to get into Royal Holloway, and I did.. I wanted to do Psychology, and I'm getting to do that course.. I wanted to move out, and wanted to become independent (in a non-losing myself kind of way).. And most of all, I wanted this feeling that I have right now.. This feeling of absolute freedom.. and feeling like "THIS IS IT!".. Everything is starting to make sense now.

I'm finally at a place where I feel more comfortable than I thought I could this year.. Through all the trials I went through, I never thought.. Not even in my wildest dreams that one day, I'd be standing here.. Just days away from the life I've wanted. Sometimes it can feel a bit scary.

The year that I had so far, since leaving Dubai last year.. Was one that I never want to experience again. I am thankful for the bad things I had to endure, and the pain that I had to suffer.. It is because of that, I am here today.. Standing straight. And obviously, I need to thank one particular person for having so much patience with me.. And seeing me through all of that, and standing by my side.. He's been an angel.

I can now say with honesty.. I am alive.

PS - To everyone beginning university this year: Good luck, and have an absolutely fabulous time. Enjoy it as much as you can, and don't be afraid to try anything new =)

My heart is in my hands
My head is in the clouds
My feet have left the ground
My life is turning around and round.
Every voice inside my head is telling me to Run like mad..

Ahem

Okay, so we all remember Justin Timberlake as the curly-haired-girlie-high-pitched-voiced person from the pop-band N'Sync.. And well, over the past few years, the guy has become quite famous on his own and although his music isn't something I particularly listen to, or enjoy.. He has become quite good looking!!

Don't you think?!

Remember tonight.. For it is the beginning of always

For a while now, I've been considering to use this title as part of a post.. But somehow it just never fit, with the kinds of events that were taking place. Until now.

So, I got my A-Level results a few days ago, and to my massive surprise I found that I did particularly well. I'm really happy with my results, and so glad that, the waiting for that part is over. Those two months were longer than any months I've ever had! The moment leading upto me opening the white envelope was one that I don't think I can ever forget - the feelings of absolute uncertainty, anxiousness, overthinking thoughts and just immense anticipation, was one that I believe is hard to let go of, even after the relief.

Every step I took towards the doors of my college I felt my heart beat right through my body. And yes, that *is* one of the most nerve-wrecking moments in a student's life. Well, most anyway.

I now know what my future for the next three years is.. After such a long time, I have something set in stone. And that is, that I am going to be a student at "Royal Holloway: University of London". =)

Dear Miss Vohra

Congratulations; Royal Holloway, University of London has asked us to tell you that it is offering you a place for Psychology, C800; starting in September 2007 at point of entry 1.

I was thinking to myself, how would it have been if my dad was around today. He would've probably thrown the most exquisite party, would've bought me the most strangest, useful and expensive gifts and would've spoilt me silly. He would sit me down and tell me.. "right, now you have to do this". Thankfully I have such people in my life who can guide me.

I did this all by myself. All the tears I cried for this day, all the hopes I had, all the dreams that were destroyed.. The instability, the months where I thought that this was it - I was doomed for darkness.. And god, this list just goes on. After all of that, having gotten through the two most toughest years I've ever experienced so far, and coming out with flying colours - is something to be proud and happy about. I for one know, my mum is so very happy. And my dad - well I'm pretty sure he's having a feast up there.

This is it - wow, I've wanted to say those words for so long. Too long have I waited to feel this.. happiness and this, gladness. So, Here begins my new journey. Here begins the day I was waiting for, for all these years. Here begins the beginning of always.

This one, is for you - mum and dad.

Perhaps a smile like this.. Is what I think.

Notes of a Strange Nature

*Opens up skull.. Looks inside to see floating brain, and begins to speak..*

- I've found the perfect "good-bye" speech. As in, if someone's leaving you, and you want to wish them well, or whatever it is. Courtesy of Whitney Houston's all time classic, "I will always love you". The lyrics:

I hope, life treats you kind,
and I hope, you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you joy, and happiness
But above all this, I wish you, love.

For some reason, it makes me get really teary.. But it's also something that I'm likely to say, without knowing these lyrics. So it fits well.

- Two weeks today, will be the day that will dictate a large and extremely vital part of my life: A-Level Results. It will be the day, I can finally put my endless questions, issues and everything in between to rest. I will finally know what I'm going to be doing, and a much awaited, new phase of my life will start. And believe you me, I will greet it with the massivest smile and the hugest open arms ever. It will be more than welcome, no matter which way it chooses to go. I'm desperately awaiting it, is what I know.

- Cookie and Frosty have been officially labelled - The Big Boys ©. They are, quite the biggies. Fluffy, stocky and ahem.. Chubby. Absolutely perfect. And they chase away all other cats that they don't like. However, they'd invite in a robber into our house, as long as the robber gave them love. Tsk

- "Hope" is a useless word, and feeling.. Or, whatever it is.. At least in relation to myself.

- Living half the globe away, can sometimes be hard.

- Sometimes you need to put your issues aside in order to save something you know you want. No matter how ugly it gets.

- I love Family Guy.

And to end the post.. Here is a quote from, Stewie Griffin, from Family Guy. [And for the record, women are always difficult!]

And it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult.