After I wrote the last post, I decided to take a mind-break from thinking so much. Because really that's what I have spent pretty much all my life doing. And even as I typed that sentence I've imagined and thought of 10 things that do not concern the writing of this paragraph.
But can you ever truly take a break from the one thing your brain does the most? Hmmmm!
For the last couple of years in particular, I feel like I've been overly concerned with what the world thinks of me. I fell in to the trap of "if I wear this, what will he/she/they think?" and "if I say don't do this, will I be a weirdo?".. And of course my favourite, "what if I say no to this, will it offend them? What if I offend them, will they ever talk to me again? I know, just stay quiet and nod along". Uff, I feel tired just writing those words. In fact, just in the last 30 seconds, I've suddenly felt so stressed and uncomfortable remembering so many instances where I've thought those very thoughts.
I always thought of myself as someone who was never overtly concerned with what the rest of the world thought of me, or said about me. There have been people whom I've never seen eye to eye with, but even those people never bothered me or got under my skin. In fact, I tried as hard as possible to not indulge in backbiting and at most times I succeeded. Of course, there are always those moments where you suddenly become human, and leave all sense behind.
I remember a few instances with "friends" over the years that made me terribly upset. I'd think about the conflict we would have had and the way it could have been solved. I'd get angry and sad, but mostly because I thought a bond was breaking - a bond of mine, and if anyone knows me, they know I'm loyal to the core. So those things would hurt. And yet, even then, I was never concerned with what that "friend" had thought of me, it was always concerning our misunderstanding of a situation.
But I have figured out something along the way. I only became concerned with other people's thoughts after I got married. Why? Because it was a new territory. I couldn't justify being the way I was and making my decisions on the people I met. What do I mean by that? I've got pretty strong and accurate instinctive feelings when it comes to meeting new people. (Some may call it harsh judgement, but to be honest, I dislike that a lot. In fact, I'm always the first to say it very openly when I've been wrong - about anything. I don't have an ego about being incorrect, I welcome it wholeheartedly). I have these vibes I get from them and I know pretty much straight away whether I'm going to be able to get along with them or not. And I'm usually pretty spot on, and I stick to it very closely. I feel like there's an internal wisdom telling me to stay away from a particular person/group of people, so I listen intently. And I have to say, it's hardly ever been wrong.
Now, after getting married this instinct of mine obviously continued as we went around introducing me to the husband's world. Me being me, I was quite open to him about what I felt about some of the people I came across. I'd tell him that I didn't feel comfortable, or that I felt this person wasn't genuine and so forth. He wouldn't really say much but would just say that perhaps it was the setting, or that it was too formal as it was an introductory meeting. Of course those were all very real and very true possibilities, so I'd give it another shot. And another. And a few more. And then a year later, I would still feel the same after having met them quite a few times. I started doubting myself a lot along the way, as I came across newer people. Perhaps I was losing my edge, or perhaps I had been a highly judgemental individual all this while and masked it as instinct. But, I started questioning myself a lot - "was it me? Was I the awkward person that was giving off those vibes and they were just reacting to it? Did I offend them? What must they think of me? Oh my goodness, I must be a right old (insert profanities) to them!"
This chaotic thinking lead me to temporarily suspend my instinctual feelings and just be a certain way that would be acceptable across this new board. I learnt that if you had your own thoughts about someone that everyone else liked, you'd be labelled as a meddling woman. I learnt that if you were different to the rest and spoke up about it, you'd be feared and therefore wouldn't have good interactions with others. In fact, they'd even ignore you. I learnt that if you tried to stick up for yourself or for your husband when something wasn't true or misunderstood, you'd be seen as wrong regardless. Or, you were blamed for changing his thoughts. So, it was easier then to just be quiet, and go with motions. I became highly concerned about what I was portraying to the rest of the world, and spent my time dissecting details of various gatherings and analysing why this person or that person rolled their eyes at me, or didn't speak to me properly.
Along this path of confusion and neglecting my thoughts.. I realised one day that regardless of what I do, or how I do it, if people want to judge you, or want to dislike you, they will find ample reasons to do so. As the "new" person, it's easier to point fingers at you without thinking twice of what your story is. And that is when I understood the stark difference between myself and others. And, I started to rely on my vibes, instincts and other thoughts with pride. I stopped being so concerned with what others thought of me, and what they assumed I was like. It is so tiring trying to please people. I mean, you go out of your way to be someone you're not just to manage superficial relationships, for the sake of false niceness. How is that ever going to bring you joy?
One thing I've learnt from all of this is.. I really, truly, deeply dislike fakeness more than I originally thought. Unfortunately keeping up with false pretense and overly fake relationships is something I cannot stomach.
Oh well.
Monday, July 10, 2017
Wednesday, February 08, 2017
2016: A Learning Curve
2016 was such a big year. It was my first year of marriage, my first full year of living in Melbourne, my year of getting to know myself as a wife, daughter in law and sister in law, amongst many other things. Of course, the most defining moment of my year was when my sweet sweet Cookie passed away. The most pivotal moment was when I went back home to London after over a year of being away from my family.
I have to say.. I was more than humbled by 2016. I felt like I crashed down to earth and was faced with my greatest demon yet. Myself. It was fascinating to see that all these years I talked about knowing myself, about finding out where I belonged and all these profound statements made in the depths of "finding myself". But here I was, hanging in the middle of 2016, without a clue of who I really was, and what I was doing and where Lost, didn't even begin to define what I was feeling most days.
When I was at university, there was a chapter in Social Psychology we studied which talked about how women developed their identities after they were in long-term relationships/marriages. I remember reading that, and thinking it was the most stupidest thing ever. And believe me, I still do. I don't think that anyone really ever develops their identity in one specific phase of their lives - I feel like it's constantly evolving, as time progresses, and the experiences build. For instance - I feel like a very large part of my personality was fixed within me the moment I found out my dad passed away. The girl who became a young woman that day has always stayed close to me, reminding me so many things on a regular basis as I have moved through the last 15 years. She's the one who nudges me when I get upset about small things, reminding me to let it go, for those are moments wasted.
So, when I got married, I was pretty sure that I was a ready-made person with this specific personality and these set of thoughts that no one could shift. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, where I was going and what I was doing. Fast forward to a few months down the line and I was a mess within myself. I'd go hot and cold all within a few minutes of talking to my husband, and I pretty much set myself a target to be schizophrenic on all other days. All in all, I was confusing myself and those around me. Every single day, I had a new idea of what I wanted to do - I'd open a bakery, no no, I'd be a freelance writer.. Nah, I think I found my calling, I'll be a mental health therapist. No, that's too emotionally draining, I know I'll save the world somehow. Okay, I don't think I can do that either. Yes, I found it! I'll work with animals. I love them so much, so it'll come naturally! Oh wait, no, because I'll get attached and it'll be too sad to see them go. Perhaps I'll just go in to a meaningless job and make lots of money and then do something amazing with that money? Yes, that sounds like a good plan. Plus, who really likes their jobs these days anyway? I can just be part of that rat race, and eventually once I've made a million dollars, I can spend it happily on.. On.. On what exactly?
That was pretty much my thought process all the time. I'd jump from idea to idea before finishing a full breath. I have to say, and give all the credit to my husband here - as he is an absolute saint, with so much patience to have sat there everyday and support me through my endless thoughts. And he was there by my side when I made some questionable decisions about jobs, clothing (I feel embarrassed even thinking about that one), TV shows (addiction to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) and ruining dinner recipes.. And he just supported me through it all, so effortlessly (probably a lot more effort than I could ever imagine).
In 2016 I realised a lot of things:
I didn't know myself as well as I thought I did. I was in denial for over a year with Cookie's health and passing and I had the hardest time letting go of him - and I am not even fully there yet. I was not cut out for full-time work which involved heavy computer usage (so I ended up making sure I took a job that was heavily computer related.. Because sensible decisions was something else I could not fathom). I am not cut out for full-time work. I want to help this world somehow, even if it's one person, for one time only. I don't agree with a lot of things other people around me think and do, and mostly I stay silent out of respect, but when I speak up, it's from the depths of my heart - and then, no one can stop me. I have extremely strong opinions. I get really sad when I'm hungry and sleepy. I get put off easily over the smallest thing and it's bloody hard to get me back on track. Being rich isn't something I dream of - as I feel money is very temporary, although I am grateful for whatever I do have. I do not go out of my way to make more money. I've actually taken a massive pay cut, and it hasn't changed my life in the slightest (apart from me being happier). Travelling the world is a massive priority. Buying a house and doing so called responsible things for my unforeseen future is something I don't believe in. Hypocrisy in any form makes me so livid. I don't believe in investments, or being miserly with the way I spend or gift something to someone. I am a pretty cool wife and don't believe in things like being possessive or nosey about what my husband is doing. Maybe because he's a lot like me, so we get each other a lot? I am a great cook! I keep going back in to full-time work without really wanting to, because staying at home isn't something I can do full-time. This conundrum is never-ending. And most importantly - I lose myself more than I find myself. And I am okay with all of these things, because this is what I am.
And, I've learnt these things about myself after I got married. Because, there was someone else there watching me intently through all the various complex layers that I was unfolding without knowing it. There was someone there who would tell me that I'm not okay. I'm not making good decisions and that I need to let go of painful things I'm holding on to and be happy. But more than anything, I had someone by my side who accepted all of these very intense things about myself, and loved them regardless. So, I didn't want to continue being lost and sad, when I took so long finding the person next to me. No use in wasting the days you wait for so long, by being sad due to one conundrum or another.
I think it's safe to say.. That, in 2016.. I learnt how to be happy. It took over 360 days, but by the end of it.. I taught myself how to be happy. From the soul.
I have to say.. I was more than humbled by 2016. I felt like I crashed down to earth and was faced with my greatest demon yet. Myself. It was fascinating to see that all these years I talked about knowing myself, about finding out where I belonged and all these profound statements made in the depths of "finding myself". But here I was, hanging in the middle of 2016, without a clue of who I really was, and what I was doing and where Lost, didn't even begin to define what I was feeling most days.
When I was at university, there was a chapter in Social Psychology we studied which talked about how women developed their identities after they were in long-term relationships/marriages. I remember reading that, and thinking it was the most stupidest thing ever. And believe me, I still do. I don't think that anyone really ever develops their identity in one specific phase of their lives - I feel like it's constantly evolving, as time progresses, and the experiences build. For instance - I feel like a very large part of my personality was fixed within me the moment I found out my dad passed away. The girl who became a young woman that day has always stayed close to me, reminding me so many things on a regular basis as I have moved through the last 15 years. She's the one who nudges me when I get upset about small things, reminding me to let it go, for those are moments wasted.
So, when I got married, I was pretty sure that I was a ready-made person with this specific personality and these set of thoughts that no one could shift. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, where I was going and what I was doing. Fast forward to a few months down the line and I was a mess within myself. I'd go hot and cold all within a few minutes of talking to my husband, and I pretty much set myself a target to be schizophrenic on all other days. All in all, I was confusing myself and those around me. Every single day, I had a new idea of what I wanted to do - I'd open a bakery, no no, I'd be a freelance writer.. Nah, I think I found my calling, I'll be a mental health therapist. No, that's too emotionally draining, I know I'll save the world somehow. Okay, I don't think I can do that either. Yes, I found it! I'll work with animals. I love them so much, so it'll come naturally! Oh wait, no, because I'll get attached and it'll be too sad to see them go. Perhaps I'll just go in to a meaningless job and make lots of money and then do something amazing with that money? Yes, that sounds like a good plan. Plus, who really likes their jobs these days anyway? I can just be part of that rat race, and eventually once I've made a million dollars, I can spend it happily on.. On.. On what exactly?
That was pretty much my thought process all the time. I'd jump from idea to idea before finishing a full breath. I have to say, and give all the credit to my husband here - as he is an absolute saint, with so much patience to have sat there everyday and support me through my endless thoughts. And he was there by my side when I made some questionable decisions about jobs, clothing (I feel embarrassed even thinking about that one), TV shows (addiction to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) and ruining dinner recipes.. And he just supported me through it all, so effortlessly (probably a lot more effort than I could ever imagine).
In 2016 I realised a lot of things:
I didn't know myself as well as I thought I did. I was in denial for over a year with Cookie's health and passing and I had the hardest time letting go of him - and I am not even fully there yet. I was not cut out for full-time work which involved heavy computer usage (so I ended up making sure I took a job that was heavily computer related.. Because sensible decisions was something else I could not fathom). I am not cut out for full-time work. I want to help this world somehow, even if it's one person, for one time only. I don't agree with a lot of things other people around me think and do, and mostly I stay silent out of respect, but when I speak up, it's from the depths of my heart - and then, no one can stop me. I have extremely strong opinions. I get really sad when I'm hungry and sleepy. I get put off easily over the smallest thing and it's bloody hard to get me back on track. Being rich isn't something I dream of - as I feel money is very temporary, although I am grateful for whatever I do have. I do not go out of my way to make more money. I've actually taken a massive pay cut, and it hasn't changed my life in the slightest (apart from me being happier). Travelling the world is a massive priority. Buying a house and doing so called responsible things for my unforeseen future is something I don't believe in. Hypocrisy in any form makes me so livid. I don't believe in investments, or being miserly with the way I spend or gift something to someone. I am a pretty cool wife and don't believe in things like being possessive or nosey about what my husband is doing. Maybe because he's a lot like me, so we get each other a lot? I am a great cook! I keep going back in to full-time work without really wanting to, because staying at home isn't something I can do full-time. This conundrum is never-ending. And most importantly - I lose myself more than I find myself. And I am okay with all of these things, because this is what I am.
And, I've learnt these things about myself after I got married. Because, there was someone else there watching me intently through all the various complex layers that I was unfolding without knowing it. There was someone there who would tell me that I'm not okay. I'm not making good decisions and that I need to let go of painful things I'm holding on to and be happy. But more than anything, I had someone by my side who accepted all of these very intense things about myself, and loved them regardless. So, I didn't want to continue being lost and sad, when I took so long finding the person next to me. No use in wasting the days you wait for so long, by being sad due to one conundrum or another.
I think it's safe to say.. That, in 2016.. I learnt how to be happy. It took over 360 days, but by the end of it.. I taught myself how to be happy. From the soul.
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