Etiquette Lessons - By Sanaa Iqbal

Ahem. I present to you, Lessons in Etiquette, by me. Please follow them.

1 - One must talk with their mouth full, whilst in the presence of another at the dining table.

2 - One must ensure that crumbs of food fall out of their mouths, whilst conversing with another.

3 - One must not use a hand towel to wipe their snot. Fingers are preffered, and so is the floor.

4 - Whilst in the presence of another, one must laugh loudly and pick their teeth with their tongue.

5 - One must not use a knife and a fork whilst eating. Hands must be used at all times.

6 - Itching toes and rubbing fingers inbetween your toenails is permisable, if only in the presence of another.

7 - One must make a lot of sounds whilst drinking anything from a fancy cup. Or any cup, for that matter.

8 - Cleaning ears with car keys is also advisable when an ear bud is not in sight.

9 - Thoroughly sucking and licking your fingers after a good meal, not only shows good mannerisms, but also gives the chef an ego boost!

10 - Smelling your socks, after a long day shows hygiene.

11 - One must converse very loudly across the dinner table. If the person you are conversing with, is talking to another, talk over both of them and make sure your thoughts are loudly shouted across.

12 - One must always open gifts as soon as they are recieved. It shows enthusiasm and your actual thoughts on the gift.

13 - On festive celebrations [Eid, etc] one must always ask for presents. Do not be shy.

14 - On wedding cards, one must always write "No Boxed Gifts Please" . You can maybe save up for a better honeymoon, that way.

15 - One must not speak in slang. And one must surely not refer to a woman as a *chick*.

I thank you all for taking your precious time to read this, and I certainly hope that next time whilst you mingle, you take these fairly easy etiquette lessons to heart, and use them.

Yours Truly.