My life has substantially changed since I last wrote here. Let me now elaborate, of course.
Guys, I was in a funk. I mean, a huge smelly, green and blue type funk. The kind that ginger's antiseptic properties couldn't kill (there's some health-food humour for you). It was bad.
Let's rewind a little.
December 2015, I received the news that my sweet Cookie had cancer. A disgusting, heart-breaking and absolutely unfair diagnosis. But it was true. I didn't however, deal with it well. I chose to turn to our old friend, denial. I thought if I didn't see him on Skype, or hear his stories, and basically hid from reality.. Then it wouldn't be real. Of course Cookie didn't have cancer, what an absolutely awful thing to say! He was full of health and life. And that was my depiction of my love. On the other side of the globe however, he was fading away as the days passed. His health improved slightly and then went down. Like that, without knowing it - I was on a roller-coaster journey of emotions of learning how to deal with knowing that he just was not getting better. I decided to then, turn to my other good friend - pain. Yes. Denial and pain are a match made in heaven, and I decided that it was the correct mix for me.
I started getting really bad pains in my shoulder, neck, arm, elbow, wrist and fingers. On the left side. It was non-stop. It would pretty much make me grumpy, sad and frustrated all day long. What a great time my husband must have had with his wife. Alas, my body showed me deep signs of grief, denial and not being able to cope with anything. Literally, anything. I started working earlier this year, through sheer desperation of a combination of things. I won't disclose those things. But let's just say, I took the first job I was offered. That job happened to be in a great university. However, I learnt pretty quickly that the job was just not made for me. It bought me unhappiness and more pain. The cycle was just getting more and more vicious. But wait, let's also add in panic attacks and anxiety, and you've got yourself something that you actually can't get out of, unless you want to.
I was spiralling quite quickly. I'd overthink, get sad, get more pain, look on google and learn that I had some awful disease, or was having a heart-attack, get scared, become really anxious, start getting panic attacks and have no sleep. And repeat. It went on like this for months. I'd try, feebly to make an effort to be happy.. But what's the use, when your heart and soul are grieving so so hard. Except, you don't want to accept it.
I probably visited every GP in the vicinity of my house, and went to over 10 osteo-sessions. Not to forget, an MRi scan of my neck and spine. All results, of everything showed me to be 100% healthy. That, coupled with the fact that I wasn't really being myself at home with the husband, was a recipe for disaster. (Although, he was/has been amazing). Just as I decided to take steps to help myself, Cookie passed away. His passing probably caused me as much pain and misery as it did when I lost my dad. My world was centred around this fluffy man. He bought me so much joy, and taught me so much love. My heart broke in to a million pieces that day, and I still haven't managed to recover them. I couldn't let go of him.. And truth be told, I still haven't found enough courage to do so today. It's been 2 months. And I'm still finding it gut-wrenchingly difficult.
The days following his passing however, I had moments of clarity that reinforced how much I didn't want to be in that job. The job was making me really unhappy. I disliked the work, but more than that, it was not what I had signed up for. It was corporate and people were allowed to be so disrespectful and rude to me on a daily basis. Instead of being supported, I was told that we had to manage "customer service satisfaction" before anything. Walking out of the office one day, I made a decision - no one could treat me that way. I wouldn't allow it. Forget that, I wouldn't allow Sanaa to treat Sanaa that way! And just like that, I quit my job and served (literally) my 4-weeks notice. Once I made that decision, I felt so different instantly. I felt happier, lighter and so much more free. The pain and panic attacks however, still showed their faces - but not as frequently.
I've learnt that I'm a highly emotional being (thanks Captain Obvious). I have always found it hard to let go. I also underestimated how difficult it would be to move across the globe, from my family and friends. Initially, I admit, I was all hearts and stars and couldn't runaway from London quickly enough - I had enough of the city. I still don't think I could live there again, but it's where I am from. And it's definitely my first and only home-base. But, this life here - with my husband, is a wonderful one. And I am eternally grateful for him and the experiences thus far.
In the almost year of being in Melbourne.. I've learnt more about myself than I have in many years. But, more about that later. For now, I feel like I've stabilised. I'm healthier, happier and a lot more positive than I was a few weeks ago. I still have a really long way to go - but this time, here, at home, with my new mac (yes!), my mum (double yes!), good food, love and lots and lots of words.. I think I'll heal just fine. Because.. Time, is a powerful and wonderful thing.
Tuesday, August 09, 2016
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Loss
A couple of weeks ago I lost someone. I lost someone who was the centre of my universe. Someone who I was unbelievably attached to in the most deepest of ways. Someone who made my day really special, just because I knew he'd be there when I got home. My sweet Cookie took his last breath on a heart-breaking Sunday, and my world feels like it's lost it's light.
The last few weeks have been a bit of a tiresome blur. I feel the loss so deep within me, that even today, if I stop for a second to think of Cookie, I'll immediately break down. It's absolutely indescribable the sorrow I've been feeling.
As you know, I've dealt with a lot of loss throughout my life. It's been a hard thing to cope with.. But somehow, I've made it through. I know that with time, my soul will heal. And I know in time it won't be this difficult to think about him. But I also know that the time I refer to, is a long, long time away.
In a few days it'll be 14 years since my dad left this world. That's exactly half my life that I've spent without him. It took me a good 10-12 years to accept his death, and to heal from all that it bought on me. And even with that, I still think about him pretty much every single day - and I miss him all the time. The thing with loss is that, no matter how much time has passed.. That feeling, the empty feeling, just never quite goes away. You learn however to be "normal" again, to laugh and to live again, but there's always this feeling at the back lingering, which reminds you that something is quite obviously, missing.
Over the last couple of months, I feel like I've fallen in to a dark place. It's not pitch black dark, but it's darker than I would have liked. For instance, I never thought that I'd find it difficult relocating away from my family. I also didn't realise that I didn't want to work full-time. These are big things to accept when you've recently married - which is a massive change in its own right to begin with. So many life changes happened in one go for me, mixing in Cookie's ill health and my inability to deal with it healthily. To top that off, I joined a job that I frankly don't want to do, and I find such utter displeasure being there everyday. My soul, has not been happy. And because of all the unsettled unhappiness, I've also been feeling poorly more frequently.
But that is how it's been. I go through a lot of changes, then I get bogged down by it all - and then eventually I see the positivity, the light and the good again. I eventually start healing and everything starts feeling a bit more right. This time however, I've been feeling a lot more stressed than usual. I feel confused. I feel angry. I feel frustration and I feel sorrow.
On the upside of all of this, I know that I'll get through the various challenges. Eventually I'll get tired of myself feeling low - and something inside me tells me it's coming closer. I just have to be patient, and let my body and my mind take it's time to get to where it needs to. And I know, everything will be better. Especially with Mr. Sanaa right by my side.
To end with.. A short note to Cookie:
My love, my Cookie - your sweet presence changed my life completely. I couldn't and wouldn't imagine a life without you. You will always be my biggest blessing and my most adored companion. You have no idea how much joy, happiness, love and wholeness you bought to me, even in my darkest of moments. I think that is why I'm finding it so utterly difficult to move through this, without you. You've always, always been there for me.. And you will always have my entire heart. You were my home. You made things make sense, and you were the best most sweetest little fluffball.. And I'm eternally grateful to have shared 16 precious years with you my love. Rest in forever peace. I miss you my Nigu! <3 font="">
The last few weeks have been a bit of a tiresome blur. I feel the loss so deep within me, that even today, if I stop for a second to think of Cookie, I'll immediately break down. It's absolutely indescribable the sorrow I've been feeling.
As you know, I've dealt with a lot of loss throughout my life. It's been a hard thing to cope with.. But somehow, I've made it through. I know that with time, my soul will heal. And I know in time it won't be this difficult to think about him. But I also know that the time I refer to, is a long, long time away.
In a few days it'll be 14 years since my dad left this world. That's exactly half my life that I've spent without him. It took me a good 10-12 years to accept his death, and to heal from all that it bought on me. And even with that, I still think about him pretty much every single day - and I miss him all the time. The thing with loss is that, no matter how much time has passed.. That feeling, the empty feeling, just never quite goes away. You learn however to be "normal" again, to laugh and to live again, but there's always this feeling at the back lingering, which reminds you that something is quite obviously, missing.
Over the last couple of months, I feel like I've fallen in to a dark place. It's not pitch black dark, but it's darker than I would have liked. For instance, I never thought that I'd find it difficult relocating away from my family. I also didn't realise that I didn't want to work full-time. These are big things to accept when you've recently married - which is a massive change in its own right to begin with. So many life changes happened in one go for me, mixing in Cookie's ill health and my inability to deal with it healthily. To top that off, I joined a job that I frankly don't want to do, and I find such utter displeasure being there everyday. My soul, has not been happy. And because of all the unsettled unhappiness, I've also been feeling poorly more frequently.
But that is how it's been. I go through a lot of changes, then I get bogged down by it all - and then eventually I see the positivity, the light and the good again. I eventually start healing and everything starts feeling a bit more right. This time however, I've been feeling a lot more stressed than usual. I feel confused. I feel angry. I feel frustration and I feel sorrow.
On the upside of all of this, I know that I'll get through the various challenges. Eventually I'll get tired of myself feeling low - and something inside me tells me it's coming closer. I just have to be patient, and let my body and my mind take it's time to get to where it needs to. And I know, everything will be better. Especially with Mr. Sanaa right by my side.
To end with.. A short note to Cookie:
My love, my Cookie - your sweet presence changed my life completely. I couldn't and wouldn't imagine a life without you. You will always be my biggest blessing and my most adored companion. You have no idea how much joy, happiness, love and wholeness you bought to me, even in my darkest of moments. I think that is why I'm finding it so utterly difficult to move through this, without you. You've always, always been there for me.. And you will always have my entire heart. You were my home. You made things make sense, and you were the best most sweetest little fluffball.. And I'm eternally grateful to have shared 16 precious years with you my love. Rest in forever peace. I miss you my Nigu! <3 font="">
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Dire
I generally am not one who indulges in many political/world-event based talks. I find that increasingly however, I'm just disgusted by the human race, and hence I don't have much to say. But lately, the world has just become that much more terrible.
Whether it's listening to a potential presidential candidate (I'm looking at you Frump-o) go on and on about racist, degrading and completely ridiculous comments about every type of person on this planet - or knowing that there's nothing left to bomb or people to kill in Syria, Palestine and so many other vulnerable countries - or watching people suddenly change their display pictures on Facebook to show "support" for the newest "terrorist attacked" city. It all makes my heart fill with so much sorrow.
But before I go on, let me shed some light on the Facebook comment I just made.. What I mean is that, a change of picture/flag does not represent anything. I doubt that any people who have family or friends injured by inhumane events would feel any type of support knowing that some percentage of the planet's population took a second to get their fingers out of their asses to click "select" when choosing their newest display picture. No, support is something deeper. If you want to support, you physically go there - you help, you be a shoulder for those who are lost and hurt, or simply
just scared. If you can't, give charity to those who need it, but don't boast about it - be kind and welcoming to people in general. And apart from that, you can help yourself by finding out the truth. The truth about the people in power, the truth about what you're seeing and hearing - and what you are told. Find out what that truth is for yourself, not because some man with a floppy toupee and a microphone who once gave Macaulay Culkin some directions in a NY hotel - said that it's the truth, but because you know that it isn't.
Dig deep, research and question, and don't be another blind follower of the media, it's people and those who orchestrate the events to be broadcasted in the news. That's how you help. Be a good person, not by singling a community of people out just because BBC News tells you that there's an Islamic group behind the newest attacks. If you look back on all these unfortunate events you'll find one thing in common - within a few minutes of such events folding, the media are so quick to judge the only group of people they know how to target. Why? Because it's easy. Because the media and the people in power have built hatred in our minds by brainwashing us every few weeks with something new to hate this group of people with. They've built fear in people - so when they see a woman with hijaab/niqaab or a man with a beard (although that's a fashion trend these days.. So most likely all "hipster" men are targets. Watch out!) to automatically think that they are bad, they want to kill and that they are carrying bombs under their clothes. How ignorant are we? We call ourselves individuals, independent thinkers and all these fancy words to describe everything we are not - for there is nothing independent or individual with the way we are, if this is the way the world has become.
There are people in this world suffering from terminal cancers, they're forced in to child marriages, have to bleed to pay dowry, and have to be fearful of being raped in broad daylight, and so many other nasty things that take place on an hourly basis. In a world with already so much misery - we can't be the blinded ones. We need to find our vision, and understand the truth against these events, and learn not to pick sides because a journalist wrote a report about how muslims or immigrants are taking over the world, that is flooding the social media forums. Don't believe that nonsense because it got 1 million shares or likes. Find your own knowledge, and know that it is the ultimate truth for you. And remember, it's easy to single out people whom you don't like, for whatever reason (and believe me, you'll find reasons to dislike someone) or whether they just simply have nothing else to point to. Go beyond those prejudicing thoughts and ask yourself if you truly hate the same people you are being forced to hate? Is there a bigger plan and reason to why these devastating acts are becoming more frequent? What are they hiding? And by they, you know by now.. Who I mean.
Why hasn't anyone spoken about the events that unfolded in Turkey recently? Is Turkey not significant enough for you? Or is it that Facebook doesn't know what the Turkish flag looks like? Because that is where we receive all our valid news stories from these days, isn't it? Look beyond what you know, and you'll find that you no longer want to just be a bum-print on that chair you're sitting on. If there's anything I've learnt by being muslim, by being a woman and by being a human - it is that, kindness and love are sadly very rare traits in this world.
The saddest thing is how quickly we tend to forget about all other dire situations that took place in recent years. Do you even know why a good portion of the Middle-East was killed? Do you recall the reason behind it? We call the men and women who fight against "evil", heroes. Are they really heroes if they're killing innocent people? What is the purpose of it? You're not courageous for fighting a battle the "powerful" people created in the first place. No, you're brainwashed. The ones who are courageous are those who live in those circumstances in their homes and try to find a way to normalise life for their families, amidst the smoke, the loud sounds and the confusion. If you hurt innocent beings, you are just a low-life coward.
When I think about my future, and think about maybe some day having kids - I am filled with fear as to what kind of world I will bring them in to. Will we be preparing them to fight in our districts so that we can win the annual Hunger Games? We aren't far off, as some places in the world have child soldiers as well. You name everything bad you can think of, and I can assure you that somewhere in this world, some sick person has taken part in that gross act.
What will we teach our children? Will we teach them about the good? How would they believe it if they can't see it around them? They won't have any trouble understanding the bad - as that's all they'd witness at this rate. Would I want them to grow up in a world where hope, happiness and humility is fast disappearing? As I continue to hear my stomach churn with disgust with each passing day, I find myself asking questions that others find out of their ordinary.
Whether it's listening to a potential presidential candidate (I'm looking at you Frump-o) go on and on about racist, degrading and completely ridiculous comments about every type of person on this planet - or knowing that there's nothing left to bomb or people to kill in Syria, Palestine and so many other vulnerable countries - or watching people suddenly change their display pictures on Facebook to show "support" for the newest "terrorist attacked" city. It all makes my heart fill with so much sorrow.
But before I go on, let me shed some light on the Facebook comment I just made.. What I mean is that, a change of picture/flag does not represent anything. I doubt that any people who have family or friends injured by inhumane events would feel any type of support knowing that some percentage of the planet's population took a second to get their fingers out of their asses to click "select" when choosing their newest display picture. No, support is something deeper. If you want to support, you physically go there - you help, you be a shoulder for those who are lost and hurt, or simply
just scared. If you can't, give charity to those who need it, but don't boast about it - be kind and welcoming to people in general. And apart from that, you can help yourself by finding out the truth. The truth about the people in power, the truth about what you're seeing and hearing - and what you are told. Find out what that truth is for yourself, not because some man with a floppy toupee and a microphone who once gave Macaulay Culkin some directions in a NY hotel - said that it's the truth, but because you know that it isn't.
Dig deep, research and question, and don't be another blind follower of the media, it's people and those who orchestrate the events to be broadcasted in the news. That's how you help. Be a good person, not by singling a community of people out just because BBC News tells you that there's an Islamic group behind the newest attacks. If you look back on all these unfortunate events you'll find one thing in common - within a few minutes of such events folding, the media are so quick to judge the only group of people they know how to target. Why? Because it's easy. Because the media and the people in power have built hatred in our minds by brainwashing us every few weeks with something new to hate this group of people with. They've built fear in people - so when they see a woman with hijaab/niqaab or a man with a beard (although that's a fashion trend these days.. So most likely all "hipster" men are targets. Watch out!) to automatically think that they are bad, they want to kill and that they are carrying bombs under their clothes. How ignorant are we? We call ourselves individuals, independent thinkers and all these fancy words to describe everything we are not - for there is nothing independent or individual with the way we are, if this is the way the world has become.
There are people in this world suffering from terminal cancers, they're forced in to child marriages, have to bleed to pay dowry, and have to be fearful of being raped in broad daylight, and so many other nasty things that take place on an hourly basis. In a world with already so much misery - we can't be the blinded ones. We need to find our vision, and understand the truth against these events, and learn not to pick sides because a journalist wrote a report about how muslims or immigrants are taking over the world, that is flooding the social media forums. Don't believe that nonsense because it got 1 million shares or likes. Find your own knowledge, and know that it is the ultimate truth for you. And remember, it's easy to single out people whom you don't like, for whatever reason (and believe me, you'll find reasons to dislike someone) or whether they just simply have nothing else to point to. Go beyond those prejudicing thoughts and ask yourself if you truly hate the same people you are being forced to hate? Is there a bigger plan and reason to why these devastating acts are becoming more frequent? What are they hiding? And by they, you know by now.. Who I mean.
Why hasn't anyone spoken about the events that unfolded in Turkey recently? Is Turkey not significant enough for you? Or is it that Facebook doesn't know what the Turkish flag looks like? Because that is where we receive all our valid news stories from these days, isn't it? Look beyond what you know, and you'll find that you no longer want to just be a bum-print on that chair you're sitting on. If there's anything I've learnt by being muslim, by being a woman and by being a human - it is that, kindness and love are sadly very rare traits in this world.
The saddest thing is how quickly we tend to forget about all other dire situations that took place in recent years. Do you even know why a good portion of the Middle-East was killed? Do you recall the reason behind it? We call the men and women who fight against "evil", heroes. Are they really heroes if they're killing innocent people? What is the purpose of it? You're not courageous for fighting a battle the "powerful" people created in the first place. No, you're brainwashed. The ones who are courageous are those who live in those circumstances in their homes and try to find a way to normalise life for their families, amidst the smoke, the loud sounds and the confusion. If you hurt innocent beings, you are just a low-life coward.
When I think about my future, and think about maybe some day having kids - I am filled with fear as to what kind of world I will bring them in to. Will we be preparing them to fight in our districts so that we can win the annual Hunger Games? We aren't far off, as some places in the world have child soldiers as well. You name everything bad you can think of, and I can assure you that somewhere in this world, some sick person has taken part in that gross act.
What will we teach our children? Will we teach them about the good? How would they believe it if they can't see it around them? They won't have any trouble understanding the bad - as that's all they'd witness at this rate. Would I want them to grow up in a world where hope, happiness and humility is fast disappearing? As I continue to hear my stomach churn with disgust with each passing day, I find myself asking questions that others find out of their ordinary.
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