Timing

I've heard the line, "timing is everything" far too many times in the last 2 years. It came to a point that whenever someone uttered those words to me, I started imagining how I could cause physical pain to them. Maybe if I put a slick of oil on the stairs, they'd fall. Perhaps I could "accidentally" drop them in to a pit of hungry crocodiles.. That kind of sadistic yet creative thinking. 

I've spent mostly, all of 2014 & 2015 being in limbo. That's a lot of days. As you know, feeling in limbo is sadly a feeling I have felt in many parts of my life. It's just not a good place to be - you end up feeling tired from all the thinking, wondering what you could have done different with the situation you're in, and then berating yourself for getting to that point in the first place. Yes, all very messy and exhausting. 

If you've ever read the play, "Waiting for Godot" - I could probably tell you that I was like Vladimir and Estragon.. Just waiting. Waiting for someone to arrive, for something to happen, for a change to occur, but nevertheless, just waiting in vain for some questions to be answered. Yes, waiting, my friends, is a wonderfully painful theme that has run through a very large part of my journeys. It's mostly like watching a cake bake.. And checking if it's done.. Now. No. Now? No. It has to be now.. Nope, not yet. Okay, now? And like that, close to eight months of 2015 and 12 months of 2014 passed me by. 

I read back on old emails, messages, blog posts and other word-filled things over this period of time I talk about. And as I read them, I can recall those feelings I felt whilst writing those words. They bring me back to that place of sheer helplessness and I'm left feeling that dull ache which I felt so often, because of how desperately done I was - with waiting around for some sort of change and miracle to come my way.

What I didn't know then was that, there were miracles happening all around me all the time. I was just too caught up playing a part in Waiting for Godot, to understand any of this. These miracles were actually pointing me to a place where everything would eventually click. And, I've learnt that.. It only clicks when the timing is right. 

Maybe I won't hurt the people who said that to me over and over again. Sometimes, when people tell you something, I've understood, it's not because they don't have anything else to say - or they're just comforting you blindly, but because, there's truth in having faith in the unknown, and yourself, and knowing that you will be protected and you will be happy. Because you so desperately hoped for it.

In the last 19 months of this journey, I have cried uncontrollably repeatedly, but I have also laughed when I thought humour was unattainable, and dreamed what I thought was impossible. I am glad that I shared this vision with someone who was also, just as persistent and inherently ludicrous as I was (and will continue to be, obviously). Especially when others thought we were completely in over our heads. 

Perhaps it's time I accept and believe in my own words - that, really - nothing is impossible to get to, if you have enough love and hope to carry you through. 

2015, my dear dear friends, is most definitely mine (and ours).

To end with.. A quote that has never resonated with me more than it does today.

"I merged so completely with love and was so fused, that I became love and love became me" ~ Rumi