Two Thousand and Fifteen

Last year, when I looked back on my year - I wrote about all the various lessons I had learnt. The big things that were tested, and feeling very grounded by all my experiences. As we all know, 2014 was exciting, adventurous and also testing. 

If 2014 was testing.. 2015 was a whole new level of what that word means. On average I cried perhaps two-three times a week, stressed out and worried approximately 7 hours per day, and prayed for direction every minute that passed.

I've never questioned faith, religion and love so much as I have this year. I learned what each of those mean to me now. I've always struggled so much with all three aspects of life, that being faced with them in one go, was probably my biggest lesson. Having little or no faith can do that to you. It can turn you upside down and leave you feeling homeless. When we are in the biggest turmoil of our lives, there comes a moment where you realise that no one but God can be there for you. And that is also the point you realise that actually, he's been there all along - but somehow you were blinded by other things to notice. But I do not regret it. I do not regret the questioning, the endless research, the long discussions, the feeling of being alone and feeling so utterly lost within my thoughts and everything in between. For those moments have bought me to this calmer, much more settled and faith-full place. The beauty of all of this is that, you'll always be given tests to test your resilience, faith, love, integrity, honesty and all sorts of various deep embedded values you have. It's only when you come out on the other side do you see the storm that was left behind, and only recover the most beneficial remains to take with you as you move forward.  

I spent a lot of time this year thinking about my dad. I obviously think about him a lot otherwise as well, but this year - I felt a deeper connection with him, and asked better questions about him as well. I like to think that some of my thoughts stem from him. I'll never truly know, but I can only hope that I represent my extraordinary parents well.

Moving on.

Now, for someone who talks a lot about love, I feel like I didn't really, wholly grasp on to the concept until earlier this year. Love can literally be found everywhere.. If you should only look for it. My family and I are very emotional people. We are sensitive and we love way too much. We love each other, our cats, food and everything in between with a passion. There's no "like" - there's only "love".. It's an extreme emotion. So when we get angry at each other, or we feel upset by someone or have any kind of misunderstanding - you have to stop, take a breath and look beyond all of that to see that it's most usually springing from love. The love they have for you, the dreams they hoped for you, the extreme feelings of helplessness because you're facing a hard time and there's nothing for them to do but to just watch you go through it. It's precisely that - that I've taken away from being a part of a dysfunctionally loving family. We, do not do anything in moderation. And that is not always a bad thing (but it is tiring!).

This is also the year I let love in completely - without any alternations. And boy, was that hard! Who knew that I'd be one to say that one day? I thought when I'd fall in love, I'd just fall blindly and that would be that. But the most wonderful thing about being with another person is that - there are new things to be learnt on a daily basis. There are stubborn moments to ease out, there are misunderstandings and catching on to non-verbal cues to understand one another on a deeper level and so much more to discover about yourself as well as your sweeter half. Oh my goodness, I have a husband! (I have these moments quite often lately!)

Finally, the end of this year came with heart-breaking news about my sweet companion, my cat Cookie. He was diagnosed with cancer. One of the hardest things about this is hoping that he never sees a day where he has to suffer because of this dis-ease. Being so far away from him and not being there to physically help him is probably the second most difficult thing. I have felt helpless and so physically "far".. But then, there's so many positives - cancer is something that you can beat. We have the knowledge and ability to nourish his body with such wonderful minerals, vitamins and healthy natural foods. None of that Whiskas stuff. We have natural and pure remedies which will assist his body to have no choice but to fight off all things impure and toxic out of him. That has been my comfort-blanket in all of this. And I am hanging on to it. He is most definitely my soul-mate.

I've been so fortunate to have learned so much this year. Things I didn't think were possible - I saw magically unveil in front of me. The one thing I however did not do was give up. I feel like 2015 has to be one of my most strongest years to date -  it was the year I fell from grace and let my heart and soul guide me with whatever I did. It was the year I got married to someone who was right under my nose for so many years of my life! It was the year I moved to Australia! And it was the year where dreams came true.

2016, you hold many new and wonderful lessons and mysteries, I know that all too well. Be kind to me. Let me be the best I've ever been, and let me never, ever become complacent. Let me forever be grounded and humbled by all my experiences - good and bad. Let me continue to discover new places with a new travel buddy. And more than anything, let me laugh with good belly aches and love fiercely than I have ever before. 

And no post is complete without a quote. Here's one which pretty much says it all for 2015.

"Oh soul, you worry too much. You have seen your own strength. You have seen your own beauty. You have seen your golden wings. Of anything less, why do you worry? You are in truth the soul, of the soul, of the soul."

Wherever you go.. There you are.

You may be wondering where I've been since August 13th (or maybe you haven't, but really you have), when I last updated my blog. Well, to start with... I now reside in the city of Melbourne. Yes folks! She finally did it! She took the plunge, dove in heart first and made it to the other side of the globe, to my Mister. If you had told me at the start of this year that just 9 months down the line, my life would be very very different - I would've thought you were high on something I wouldn't want to try. With the way 2014 ended, I was miserable and totally hopeless as to where this year would lead for me, and us. Of course, there was always a much bigger part of me that was (and definitely remains to be) a dreamer to the point where I knew that if there was something I wanted, yearned for and hoped for with all my soul, the universe would work its magic and make it known to me when the time was right. Ah yes, that old thing. Time. I already mentioned this in my last post, but trust me when I (begrudgingly) say.. Timing is absolutely everything. 

If there's one thing I completely believe in and have learnt through this tremendous journey thus far.. It's self-belief. Although I harped on about it so much through some of my posts, it's something I've completely grown to understand and witness myself. It's you. Your prayers, your wishes, your desires, your successes and failures that get you to that point - the point where you almost want to give up all hope and trust in the process of life and somehow get up and face another day. It's that day. The day when things will start falling in to place. It's knowing that you can do it - and that really, anyone can do it, as long as they listen so deeply to their hearts and follow the indications their souls are giving. It's so important to be in tune with what you are experiencing inside. It's the place where everything starts brewing. It's only then you know where you want to go next. What steps to take and how you'll try all sorts of crazy tactics to get there. And this journey has had some pretty insane moments. Oh who am I kidding? It was utterly mental! But then again all mental things lead you to a beautifully messy place.

There has been one thing I've found strange however. I can so openly write and express my thoughts here and on other platforms too. But when it comes to expressing myself verbally, I've found that it has been hard. Perhaps it's the audience. Perhaps it's me. Perhaps a combination? I haven't mulled over it enough to make a judgement. But I have found that I've become even more set in my thoughts and ways than I previously acknowledged. I think mostly I find it difficult to connect with many people on a deeper level because of my life experiences. It's not a usual story now is it? And because of that, I feel like I see the world a lot more differently than others. I guess this is how you learn to blend with other humans. It's also how you learn to grow. But it's also how you learn so much more about yourself. I know now that there are things I have strong opinions about - and regardless of what others may think or feel towards it, I'll continue to do the things I do in that fashion until I feel it's time to change. And as we know, change my dear readers - is absolutely inevitable. And thank the Lord, that I am open to it in all forms.. As long as it's positive. Perhaps this change will come my way, perhaps it won't. But I'll be me in all the me-ness I can muster up until then.

When I moved to Melbourne, I knew I'd miss my family and friends a lot. I knew I'd be unable to control my emotions when it came to leaving my soul-mate, and the one I was most attached to - my Cookie. But I didn't know it would be this difficult. That cat isn't just a furry ball of love and attitude, he's embedded in my soul. I connect with him on levels indescribable to anyone else. He's silent but communicates better than most people I know. He's the best companion with deep emotions. Having him around me was like having the most trustworthy and affectionate friend you could imagine. And I miss him in amounts I can't even comprehend. I also miss London, the city I grew to have a love and hate relationship with.

When I moved to London after living in the Middle East for so long, I had no idea whether I'd be able to survive it a year, let alone 10. But London is a charming place. Once you get to know her, the way I did, she becomes something so fascinating and so intoxicating almost. London is a part of me. It's where I was born. It's where I went back to all the time. It's a place, although I never called home, is where my roots are based. I sprung from there and I didn't think I'd miss her so quickly.

Of course I knew these things would be a part of relocation and marriage. I entered this new phase with open arms, ready to face all sorts of new and bizarre things. This time, with an accomplice. He has made it so easy for me to fit in to his world. My world has been so chaotic for so long that sometimes I couldn't fit in to it either.. But having him around makes all these things so easy. He fits. We fit. Even bad days seem good. And good days seem beyond wonderful. There have been moments where I have felt out of my comfort zone, but knowing that I can just look a few metres away to find him, makes it less uncomfortable. He's a good fish. And I know that I'll forever be excited to see him walk in to the house.. Even when he's just gone to throw the trash. And that, is a good feeling to have. It's the little things that I enjoy the most, I have to say. Like hearing his car come in to the garage. Or asking him what he wants for dinner. It's the moments where I suddenly realise that I do not have to wait numerous hours to be in touch with him, or to see his face on a screen for a limited amount of time. No, it's there in front of me. In real life. And this is why, I hope to never take, even the boom-boom sounds of his car, for granted.

I've said this before, but there are moments where you'll feel absolutely nothing is right or good. Maybe not moments, maybe days or even months of it. But know, that they are leading you to a place so amazing. You really don't want to miss it. So even when you want to tear your (or someone else's) hair out, just hang on a little while longer, because it really does fall in to place. And the view from the other side is breath-taking.
 
To end this post. I recall something my cousin said one thing to me before I left London. It's in the title of this post. "Wherever you go, there you are." And it bought me tears of bittersweet joy, because those words just hit me in a place that made me feel like.. It all makes sense. Everything makes sense now. The puzzle is more complete than incomplete. It's not missing many pieces. There's always some that go astray, just so you can find them in new ways. So you can change the way you fix the jigsaw that is yourself and your journey. But as a whole, I've helped myself remember to be exactly where I am. And not hope to be anywhere else like I have so often in my paths so far. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And I am there. In love. In happiness. And in a new journey. I am all here.

Here's to you, my lobster. And here's to always being right where we're supposed to be.

Timing

I've heard the line, "timing is everything" far too many times in the last 2 years. It came to a point that whenever someone uttered those words to me, I started imagining how I could cause physical pain to them. Maybe if I put a slick of oil on the stairs, they'd fall. Perhaps I could "accidentally" drop them in to a pit of hungry crocodiles.. That kind of sadistic yet creative thinking. 

I've spent mostly, all of 2014 & 2015 being in limbo. That's a lot of days. As you know, feeling in limbo is sadly a feeling I have felt in many parts of my life. It's just not a good place to be - you end up feeling tired from all the thinking, wondering what you could have done different with the situation you're in, and then berating yourself for getting to that point in the first place. Yes, all very messy and exhausting. 

If you've ever read the play, "Waiting for Godot" - I could probably tell you that I was like Vladimir and Estragon.. Just waiting. Waiting for someone to arrive, for something to happen, for a change to occur, but nevertheless, just waiting in vain for some questions to be answered. Yes, waiting, my friends, is a wonderfully painful theme that has run through a very large part of my journeys. It's mostly like watching a cake bake.. And checking if it's done.. Now. No. Now? No. It has to be now.. Nope, not yet. Okay, now? And like that, close to eight months of 2015 and 12 months of 2014 passed me by. 

I read back on old emails, messages, blog posts and other word-filled things over this period of time I talk about. And as I read them, I can recall those feelings I felt whilst writing those words. They bring me back to that place of sheer helplessness and I'm left feeling that dull ache which I felt so often, because of how desperately done I was - with waiting around for some sort of change and miracle to come my way.

What I didn't know then was that, there were miracles happening all around me all the time. I was just too caught up playing a part in Waiting for Godot, to understand any of this. These miracles were actually pointing me to a place where everything would eventually click. And, I've learnt that.. It only clicks when the timing is right. 

Maybe I won't hurt the people who said that to me over and over again. Sometimes, when people tell you something, I've understood, it's not because they don't have anything else to say - or they're just comforting you blindly, but because, there's truth in having faith in the unknown, and yourself, and knowing that you will be protected and you will be happy. Because you so desperately hoped for it.

In the last 19 months of this journey, I have cried uncontrollably repeatedly, but I have also laughed when I thought humour was unattainable, and dreamed what I thought was impossible. I am glad that I shared this vision with someone who was also, just as persistent and inherently ludicrous as I was (and will continue to be, obviously). Especially when others thought we were completely in over our heads. 

Perhaps it's time I accept and believe in my own words - that, really - nothing is impossible to get to, if you have enough love and hope to carry you through. 

2015, my dear dear friends, is most definitely mine (and ours).

To end with.. A quote that has never resonated with me more than it does today.

"I merged so completely with love and was so fused, that I became love and love became me" ~ Rumi

Quote

I didn't fall in love with you. I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way. I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we’d choose anyway. And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.

Twenty Seven

I'm usually pretty good with updating my blog with my yearly birthday posts. But this year, I forgot. I guess it shows how it's all started out already!

I'm a year older. A lot wiser. And still dealing with many of my quirks that sometimes (most times) seem like flaws. I have dealt with so many of my fears, and have many left to deal with still. But I like to think that those almost damaged parts of me, make me incredibly human. Perhaps my choice in degree makes a lot more sense now too. 

There's still such a long way to go for me, to be a better, a much more stable and whole person. But for where I am now, I am proud to have made it this far. After all, we are all a little incomplete in some ways. And the catastrophic beauty of this life is to constantly figure yourself out, and fill in the blanks as you go on. You are, never done changing and growing. There is always something you feel you need to tweak or let go of, when it comes to looking within you. I've had a hard time letting go of so many things this past year. It's been unlike any other year I've faced, but with that, came this incredibly powerful moment, where I felt that I had finally accepted what my truth is.. At least for now.

So no, I am nowhere closer to where I had hoped to be by this age, and I have felt very sad about that.. But, let's be honest - how many times do we plan something, and something totally different happens? Yet, you find yourself to be happier than you would have been otherwise. I'm trying to, during difficult moments, remember that everything happens for a reason. What you set up for yourself, in your mind, for your future, may never be what you actually get. Or if you do, the path to that destination, may be altered many, many times. This has been the hardest challenge of the last year, for sure. To come to terms with what I had hoped for, versus where I am. I guess you could say I am a little dream-broken. 27, my friends, has already been a daunting one.

I will say, that for this year, I only have one hope. And that hope is to feel an abundance of happiness. The real, big kind. Not the fake, half-hearted one. The one where everything has fallen in to place, and I have no other choice but to smile and laugh and just be completely absorbed in love and happiness as I move through various situations that I come across. 

I think that's something that I can work towards.. Don't you?

Mountains

I read somewhere recently.. "It is not the mountains we conquer, but ourselves." It was a quote someone I follow on Instagram had posted, and that sent me in to my deep thinking mode.

The last few months have been a particularly difficult time for me. I was faced with making some really tough and harsh decisions, that I never thought I'd need to make. A lot of them surrounded with the same question.. "Sanaa, what is it that YOU want from this?" I feel that it was an important question to ask myself, because somewhere along the line, somewhere in the last year of my immensely adventurous existence, I forgot what the answer to that was. I was so involved in what others thought or felt, and how I was disappointing this person or that person by my decision making process, that I forgot to acknowledge myself and my thoughts. And when you come to that point, you know you've lost that connection with yourself and your inner peace. I had worked so hard to get to that point, and within a few days I lost it, so easily!

When you're put in an uncomfortable situation, your instinct usually tells you to do whatever you can, to come out of it as fast as possible. I mean, who willingly wants to put themselves through any sort of discomfort right? Well, another lesson I've learnt recently is that you can't really force or push things to work for you before its time to work, try as you may. This obviously leads to further frustration, because you are so impatient feeling stuck in the situation you are in. It's just all very unnecessary sometimes.

From that moment onwards, I knew I was in trouble. Losing focus on what you want is such an unfortunate thing to go through. Especially when it's a focus you build with so much love. I have to say, that was a scary time for me - because I felt like I was suspended mid-air with no parachute. I was just falling, and I couldn't see the ground. But it's during these moments, you can either continue drowning in the sadness, or you can pick yourself up and try again.

It was around this time I realised that I've actually been through this process of falling and getting up, many, many, many times in my life. And it saddened me even more. It frustrated me and made me really angry. I kept asking, why I was going through something so difficult and so agonising. More than that, I was just really tired of going through the motions of picking myself up again, and giving it yet another shot. Of course, this shot I talk about is, for myself. It's not for anyone else. I could have either chosen to stay in a pit of soggy mess, or find some tiny bit of patience and dust myself off, before giving myself the space to find the answers to confusing circumstances.

Thankfully, I decided to go with option 2 yet again. Because that's the option that allows me to clear my path and make my way to what my heart desires the most.

Along these battle scenes, I've learnt how to stand up for myself and what I believe is right for me. It may not be right for someone else, but I've learnt to respect my journey and my thoughts. My journey isn't based on anybody else but me. It's mine to unfold, and the lessons I learn, are mine to understand. Even the risks I take, I take them knowing I will not regret anything later, and will only learn from the various decisions I make. Isn't that how you grow? Why worry for something that is not in your hands, and fear every single new thing that you haven't experienced before? Why not embrace the unknown? Isn't life totally uncertain and unknown anyway? To get angry or upset at me for what my journey is, doesn't really do much, but it only distracts me and stops me from doing whatever I can to make sure I stay happy. And, that I do everything with unconditional love.

One thing I know for sure is that, you're never the same person when you go in to a dark phase and when you come out on the other side. Your thoughts and feelings evolve, and your personality shifts to maintain the strength you've achieved from witnessing whatever you have.

Last year, whilst in Australia, climbing that actual mountain, I didn't realise that I was learning a lesson. I was learning that I had enough strength to walk up a sloped mountain, but when I reached the top, I was blown away by what I what I saw before me. With the same idea, I look behind me and I see so many mountains, hills, slopes and ditches I've climbed and crossed. I've stayed stuck on some for a really long time, but others I crossed with humility and love. The views after each climb have been indescribable, that's for sure. Each time, I felt like I had conquered something so big and so enormous. Through all of this though, I've understood that life is just really, one big lesson after another. You're never at a point where you are not being tested. It's a lovely thing in all it's messiness, but it's also, really really difficult. And thus, this is how you become human.

I hope one day, when I look back on these tough days, I can appreciate the resilience, strength and persistence I worked with, to get to where I needed to be.. To eternal love and happiness.

Until then, here's a song.

Quote

Think about it, there must be higher love.. Down in the heart and in the stars above. Without it, life is wasted time. Look inside your heart, I'll look inside mine.
Things look so bad everywhere In this whole world, what's fair? We walk blind and we try to see, falling behind in what could be. 
Bring me a higher love, bring me a higher love, bring me a higher love.. Where's this higher love, I've been thinking of? 

Things I learnt this (past) year (Part 2)

So here we are, on the 5th day of 2015.

I was reading back to my post that I wrote this time last year for 2014. I made sure that I went in to the year with all my heart and soul, and knew that I had with such great focus. My focus was to be happy, to be adventurous, to make sure that my heart ruled over my brain and more so, to indulge so deeply in all things to do with love. And that is exactly what I did. 

The year 2014 ended in the sweetest way possible. I had a great holiday split between London, and Dubai. I saw both these cities through different eyes and it was definitely down to the company I was with. I could have sworn that the lights seemed brighter, and everything was just perfect. 

2014 was definitely a year of a lot of progress. I had some awesome holidays, and was lucky to witness great love throughout. I think it was also the year I realised that I'm worth the love and happiness I've always so deeply craved. It obviously was down to the fact that I started rewiring my brain (thankfully!). I also found out that, happiness is my driving force - it's all I wanted, and in order to keep it, I have a feeling I'll do anything I can to make sure it stays for good.

There's so much I've written about my year, and it's all documented right here under the great label of "2014".. I'm so grateful to have gone through all the experiences I did. I loved each one of them, maybe not in the moment they were happening, but definitely once I had been through them. I'm wiser, happier, more energetic and totally roaring to go for 2015!

2015 - my hope for you is to be one that is a journey of love, in the purest of forms. I hope I'm writing my 2015's review from some place warm this December. 

Happy new year all! I wonder what pleasures this wonderfully intense year will bring!