At the Top

There are a few things you learn when you've experienced something new for the first time. For instance, when I visited the Grampians out in Australia - and walked up that mountain (which now I realise, after much research, wasn't as "high" as some of the others in the surrounding area! Although, I'm not going to let that burst my bubble of achievement. Hmph) and reached that breathtaking peak. There are few moments in my life that have left me speechless. This was one of them. I had absolute clarity of thought and knew that whatever I felt then, I'd follow through with. It was that crazy determination that reaches you when you're filled with all sorts of intense emotions of happiness and elation.

I've never really climbed/walked up a mountain before. And if you had asked me a year or so ago, I would have outright refused to do so in the UK (for some reason, it doesn't have the same "feeling"). I leave these things to be tried elsewhere across the globe. 

I don't consider myself a jungle bum, or a bum of any sort really. I like trying new things, and I am always open to adding more experiences to my life. I don't want to be confined to making lists and ticking off things, I've realised in the recent past. I just want to go ahead and nose dive in to whatever new things come my way (although Sky Diving, I've been stalking you for so many years now). 

I digress, as per usual. When we reached the top of the Pinnacle, there were a few thoughts that flowed through my mind. One was, that I had never felt so incredibly light and worry-free before. The other was, this is what love should feel like (and other love-esque thoughts). Completely and utterly pure and fresh without any nastiness. 

Now I speak about love a lot (according to a word count/repeat website, It's the top 5 most used word on my blog. The other four being - time, feelings, life and people. Spot on!) - and one of the things that always gets me quite irritated is when people say "you're too young still (bro, I'm 26 in a few days. That's 4 years away from 30), why do you want to get married/find someone/etc.. Enjoy your life, enjoy being single, later on you'll want this time back." It's usually married people who give me that advice. And you'd think by now I'd probably be averted from the idea of love/relationships.. Yet, I'm not. My reaction is mostly a groan. 

I never grew up with the idea of marriage being a burden or a "bad" experience. I have known it to be tough, sometimes too tough. But I've always known it as a representation of love and togetherness more than anything. Now, if I had actually thought about all the bad things I knew about relationships in general, I don't think I'd be sat here now with such optimistic thoughts. I'd be dismissive about the idea of marriage and possibly wouldn't even mention it.

However, being the sap that I am - I've always been a dreamer. And that's because I've always wanted to have that type of love for myself. I've wanted to have a relationship that was strong and filled with positivity and greatness (as opposed to frustrations and general resentment). It was the only thing I think that has remained consistent through all my trials over the last few years. In fact, it was the only thing that gave me hope for my future. There's a revelation I never made before!

When things were unbearably hard, I would go to my happy place. My happy place would be a vision of me, a couple of years down the line - with another person who was just as glad to be with me as I was to be with him. Hanging around in a log cabin (I have a fascination with these as mentioned previously) playing cards, cooking food and just really being completely free of restrictions on behaviours and traits that were otherwise held back. Simply put, just being content and happy.

I'm definitely not too young. I'm also definitely not finding "singledom" fun (I think I did when I was at uni). There are some people who the "single" life suits very well. I am not that person any more. I've been really independent and self sufficient, and have been there for myself so much the last few years. But it gets tiring to be honest, and at some point you want to talk to and share things with another person who is someone that knows you well and won't judge you for the way you are. Not only that, but you come to a stage where you're like - you know what, I've done everything alone for the last two decades, and now I'd like to do these things with another person. You also start realising that there's something missing - rather, someone. It's mostly the fact that life gets too lonely and same-y. You can change your jobs a few times, and find something "new" to go to for a while, but eventually it becomes clear that you'd love to be going home to someone whom you were counting the hours to see everyday. You see, there's no sense living without love and a companion. In fact, those most luckiest in my eyes, are those who get to share their lives with another. Understandably, it won't always be plain sailing - but even when things get rough, it's the way you meet another person's wavelength and figure things out, that will reinforce the companionship.  

I look at myself and I go, well how many more conversations can I have with myself about certain things before I actually go mad? Albeit, my advice to myself is pretty amazing - but it would be amazing if it came from someone else's mouth. 

We put so many restrictions upon ourselves in finding love I think. He should be tall, he should have a lot of money, he can't live more than an hour away from my family, he has to have at least two muscles (whatever, I dunno the actual terms) and he should be completely in awe of my amazing self. But we never stop to think what we can offer another person - and I don't mean that in a, criticise yourself type way - but surely we need to know what type of person we truly are (ie, not what we hope to be in the future, or could be.. But as we are now) in order to know how another person would handle our truth. I've always maintained that the heart and the personality of a person should be looked at before anything else. Of course, I have also at times been shallow and have thought that someone was a bit shorter than I would suit. But you know then that the person isn't right for you. Because when you do meet them, you wouldn't want to change a thing. And all those restrictions you once placed on finding the person, will suddenly no longer matter. For instance, you wouldn't care how far he lived, or how many sets of muscles he had or how much money was in his bank. All that would (or rather should) matter is what type of person he is, and whether he will take care of you and keep you happy. The rest, will fall in to place. 

Going back to my original point - when I was on top of that peak, and I felt completely moved by what I saw before me.. I was certain then, that I would never settle with love. I wouldn't marry someone out of thin air, just because it was an easy thing to do. No, I would fall in love madly and completely all at once - and it would be the most scariest most exhilarating thing I would ever witness. And just like that, I would create my own story with someone else.. And that story, will be my most favourite. 

A song - to wrap up my thoughts.