Book of Love

I'm obsessed with reading. I can swallow a book up in a few hours if I had the chance. I do however go through phases, where I just can't seem to get in to a book or feel like I can take another story in. But when I find a book I've enjoyed.. Oh dear..

I read fiction - and health related books every so often. But the fiction I read are generally by a few authors I love. One in particular is Nicholas Sparks. Yes, him. The guy who made me believe that love like Noah and Allie's is possible, or of course Landon and Jamie's as well (I could honestly go on and on with name-throwing, because I have read that many stories written by him!).

Now don't get me wrong. I am not under any false belief that fairytales exist (unfortunately). I think that people read (romantic) stories because they give them that few moments of escapism in to a world that they could possibly float to - to read about characters that are so deeply in love, and so affectionate and passionate for another. You see, these days - people don't have passion. They lack in the area so much. And I don't necessarily mean passion for love or for physical affection - but I mean in general. When you read stories with lead characters that are so utterly spontaneous and adventurous and most of all, so hopeful and fearless about what they want, you somewhat get this similar burst of excitement and energy to do something similar to them; be it leaving your day job to go travelling the world, or something simple like noting down one happy thought a day to reinforce the positivity in your life. Whatever it may be, it gives you something that you may not feel so often. But when you look in to the reality of it, you know you'll never do it. You'll never take the leap, like your favourite character from a book you once read did. And those characters are just a figment of someone else's imagination - perhaps a part of them that desired a life like the one their characters end up leading? The point is though, we're passionless people. We go through phases where we feel like we can achieve anything we set out to do - until we get tired of trying, and just settling for whatever comes our way. Ugh, settling. Something I can't stand doing, yet I've done in parts of my life (yes, career - I'm looking at you. I could have been an Awesome Person (ltd) by profession and you made me in to a groan-grumpy drone. I've got my eye on you though.). 

I was talking to a friend the other day and we agreed that when we were younger (in our teenage years to be more precise) we had tonnes of opinions, thoughts and feelings we were so utterly passionate about. Topics like love and relationships and so forth, that we thought we knew the ins and outs of (hahahahahaha) at the time. It was silly, and when I read back to some of the things I've said, I can't help but groan with redness in my cheeks because of how embarrassed I feel. But at least we had something to be passionate about. Nowdays, it seems the easier option to give in, agree and to settle.

Going back to my original sentiment about reading.. It's such an easy activity. It can teach you new words, give you ideas about what to do next in your life (like me, I'm going to visit all those small towns in North Carolina that Nicholas Sparks has made me fall in love with), it can teach you something new about a culture, language or make you feel so hopelessly connected with a character that is not real. But all these emotions are an experience nevertheless.

The thing with reading is that, it's something that isn't actually a hobby that sits with people often, I've found (at least amongst other Asians). I've found that when I'm on a train, I'm generally around people who are catching up on their TV shows or playing games on their iGadget. There are the odd moments in the year where you find people holding the SAME book due to it being the "new thing to do" due to the explosive reviews in the media. Case in point, books like the Hunger Games, so forth (I was going to say Fifty Shades of Grey, as I remember seeing pretty much every other woman and some men read that when it came out, not knowing what it was about at the time). When someone tells me that they enjoy reading - I'm instantly interested in speaking with them further and find it a novelty.

I love words. I love reading things written by people who respect and appreciate these words and use them in such a way that shows their emotions so clearly. It's wonderful. In this awful day and age where people can barely go an hour without using social media to express their feelings through badly written sentences and using text language, it's always such a great reminder that there are authors out there who still keep written English alive.

It's time guys.. It's time I join a reading club and meet people who enjoy delving in to a book so much that they've analysed every part of the story (although I hope it doesn't become as intense as my A-Level Literature classes.. We beat most of Shakespeare's works to death by that point). 

It's also time to go out and read some sappy books because it's officially winter. And if you know me at all, you know that I am a sucker for winter.. Only because I think it's the most romantic and cosy season ever. It's the best time to fall in love. And of course eat mince pies and drink lots of tea and .. Wear fuzzy socks and red pyjamas.

Here is the perfect song

PS. I make myself sick with my sappyness as well. It's not just you, don't worry. 

Found

The fact that I have taken so long to actually sit down and write a post must mean that I am constantly away from my laptop and that I have other things to do. Not that I don't miss this. Because I really do - and every time I find myself on my laptop, I find myself thinking about you. You're a part of me, albeit a part of me that is not so much on the forefront of my brain. 

My brain now has other things going on - doing new things, eating new food, exploring, travelling (although there hasn't been much) and being a guest at MANY weddings. MANY weddings. I've taken it to a whole new level guys. I think I may become that person in wedding photos that people always wonder about - and wonder who or what I'm related to and what I'm doing there. You know the type I'm talking about. 

Since I've been going to so many weddings, I have decided that I would also like to attend my own one in the near future. This may actually be one of the first times I've said it out loud on my blog.. Is it? I'm not sure any more. But now that I've said it, I suddenly feel aware that you all may be tilting your head to the side with the "awwe poor thing" expression. It's okay, I've become accustomed to that as well.

In other news - I've tried oysters and almost had escargots at a very dodgy French restaurant, in an area of London that is notorious for murders and other such pleasantly safe events. But at least it was an experience. I think I was too used to being "safe" and around rich folk so I needed to get out of my comfort zone. It dragged me down back to earth for sure.

In further news - I've found that I'm addicted to a variety of TV shows (some trashy [Catfish, Real Housewives of All the US cities] and some not so trashy [Breaking Bad]) that I can no longer view in marathon hours and finish as quickly as I once could. I think this may mean that I have other things to look forward to! Shocking. Especially since I have spent a better part of my existence being addicted to Gilmore Girls, Friends, SATC, Dawson's Creek, Party of Five, Prison Break, The OC and so so many more shows. Now, I can barely sit through an hour before I fidget and remember something else.

So here I am.. Eating Passion Fruit straight from the actual fruit, and thinking about what I should do once I've posted this post. Perhaps I'll get married. Or find out whether this girl is actually falling in love with the rapper Bow Wow or if she's being fooled in to something else by someone who is in fact not Bow Wow.. I think, I THINK I may already know the answer. Oh Catfish, you're SO good.

And since it's been so long - here's a song that's been in my head for the longest time!

Generation What?

Lately, I've been having in depth conversations with various people about how the world has changed, and continues to shock and surprise me negatively. 

It started a few weeks ago when I realised how depressing everything to do with social media/media has become - Twitter and Facebook have become the grounds where bullies are bred, the papers cite more teenage deaths by suicide, and show parents killing their own children for no reason at all. It's a pretty crazy world out there, and it gets more sad when you see the situations across the Middle East. It's just down right heart breaking. 

I've also been finding out a lot about how younger kids these days know all about things they shouldn't need to know about at their age. I see shows on channels like Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network openly parade themes of an adult nature, and it bothers me to no extent to know that my nieces and nephews are growing up in a world where innocence was demolished a long time ago.

I look back to my childhood and teenage-hood and remember how innocent I was. I used to watch shows like Kenan and Kel and Sister Sister which were funny, silly and did relate to the age group I was part of, and nothing older. I watched cartoons that were actually sweet and had good morals behind them. They weren't like the stuff that's on these days that promotes violence and addiction and all sorts of negative emotions. 

I know and understand that with the increase in technology and modern-thinking, people need to move "with the times".. But I don't understand why that can't include preserving children's innocence and child-like ways. I mean, eventually they'll learn about the big bad world. I lost hope with the world a long time ago to be quite honest!

I was watching some Bollywood films as well recently and I was pretty gob-smacked with the type of dialogues that were in them. These were derogatory, sexual, disrespectful dialogues that people find okay to laugh at and to then quote later to groups of friends and family. (I have a good sense of humour, don't get me wrong. And I will laugh at any "that's what she said" type of joke, but there's a limit to those as well!) I mean these movie-themes are packed with adult references which let me tell you, aren't very subtle either, as well as promoting arrogance and the lack of chivalry, etc. In fact, Bollywood has lost its charm. There was once a time where I'd wait months on end to watch a new Shah Rukh Khan flick - and now that's turn to pure dread and just boredom really. There's nothing that challenges this new norm. There's nothing that is "different" - or at least less vulgar and less ridiculous. I dislike the whole "masala films" genre anyway, but it seems like as time passes by even movies with supposed serious themes have to have one of those very very disgusting item songs. And what are item songs anyway? A half naked woman, dancing around a crowd of guys, sometimes with a bottle of alcohol, with nothing but shame and the idea that women are just there to be stared at and to disrespect. On top of that, these songs are blasted through radio stations across the world, reaching high up in the charts - their videos, also being paraded around TV channels and eventually getting in to the minds of the younger ones. They grow up thinking that it's completely okay to look at women like that, in an indecent and perversive manner and pick up derogatory language and curses that they feel is completely fine to use. To top it all, some parents laugh it off - saying that "oh my child is so good at these kind of impersonations!" 

I digress though. The point of these thoughts are that where once social media and the media in general were a good place to just "virtually mingle" - it's now become a dangerous and frankly scary place to let children and in some cases, adults venture in to. I'm actually not sure whether the "real" world or the "virtual" world is more scary at this point? I know and understand that you can't really hide from it - as much as you try (I've deactivated Twitter and Facebook more times than I have fingers and toes!) as it's pretty much all around you. You go to a shop to ask a question - and more often than not you get the standard reply, "have you checked our Facebook/Twitter page? All of our answers should be listed there".. Forcing you to properly close off any human contact you could have had. They may as well not be there, or have those big headphones around their heads like drones. Human face-to-face contact has pretty much dissolved. If you want to talk to someone, you can do so via email, whatsapp, text message, Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn.. (you get the gist), before actually seeing them in person (I keep digressing).

It's worrying to know for instance that there are groups of people out there whose soul purpose is to make other people's lives a misery by name calling, bullying, cyber-bullying and so forth. Most of these people, mind you are young adults who honestly have nothing better to do. But these people hurt others intentionally, leading those who are emotionally more sensitive to go as far as giving up their lives. I mean why would you want to be so mean and so absolutely stupid? On top of that, why aren't their parents watching what they're doing (in both cases), or why aren't they introducing some type of parental control?

One thing I can't get my head around at all is how parents these days feel like they have no ability to say anything to a child any more. Why is this unfilial behaviour accepted? I mean if my dad was still here and he told me not to do something, I'd leave it and never think about it again. I do the same with my mum now! And in fact, I let her make so many of my decisions (although she doesn't like to). When did children become the parents? And when did parents start feeling so helpless? Why is there such disconnect and when did it become okay to be so disrespectful to your parents?

As time passes I am more sure that I was born in the wrong century. I find that I am more traditional than I was when I was younger, and in fact I find it so difficult to digest these new ways and these new behaviours that have suddenly become okay to observe and adopt. It's very strange, as I don't remember being this way whilst at university (although, I'd never want to be that person again to be very honest). I find myself perplexed by all of this, all of the time.

Rant, officially over.

Thoughts to Share

I've lost many loved ones in the last 11 years of my life. Big personalities, good and kind hearted people. They've all left massive voids in my life and each time I've lost someone, I've always thought "how am I supposed to go on?" Somehow, you get this burst of hope, energy and love from places you wouldn't imagine. 

What I've learnt the most is to be patient. Grieving is hard. Coming back together and getting on is even harder. It is so important to be a good person, and to not get caught up in worldly pettiness, finances and shallow stress.

Most of all - I've learnt that it is so important to enjoy the life that was gifted to you. Enjoy good company, good food and laugh. Laugh as often as you can - and thank God for all the wonderful pleasures (big and small) that he has given to you. This life here is very temporary, but do good whilst you're here.

I hope to be as inspiring, good hearted, kind and generous as those who left my world.

In loving memory of my father, my grandfathers, my grandmothers, and my uncle

In Loving Memory (part 2)

A few days ago, whilst at work my mum called me to tell me that my uncle had a heart attack. The urgency in her voice took me back in a flash to when she called me the afternoon my dad passed away. It was the same lost, confused and completely and utterly scared tone that shook my world 11 years ago.

I rushed to the hospital where I found out that he had passed away. My world felt broken, and I felt so hurt for my aunty and my cousins. I looked at my mum and all I could see was that pain that took 11 years to get pass. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I had just met him a few days prior, and he was fine. He was so peacefully happy and he didn't seem like he was in a hurry to get to anywhere else. Him and my aunty sat at our house for a long time, eating and drinking with us.. He came over to congratulate me for passing my test, joking that I'd have to warn him once I left the house in my car so he'd clear the streets and stay at home for safety reasons.

The last few days have been very hard. Mostly because it's like a repeat of what happened to my family a decade ago. It's been very hard on my mum who took him as a father and an older brother. She went to him for so much advice, and in return he gave her so much support. My aunty and uncle to her are like her own parents, as she lost hers in the last few years as well.

I've been thinking a lot about my uncle. About the very many memories I was, and we were, fortunate to make with him. He was a short, sweet, funny and amazing man. He made the most yummiest BBQ chicken and meat. When he knew my mum and I would be coming over in the weekend, he'd always prepare some for us. It was this comforting, fatherly thing he did for us. He always supported us, took part in our happiness and comforted us in our sadness. He prayed for us and always made sure he spoke to us every week. He was the head of the family, with the most saddest sense of humour but so much knowledge about our family and the ties we had within the community as well.

He was such a wonderful person. He did so much good. He was such a simple man, he was not materialistic, he didn't care for things we get caught up in this day and age.. And boy did he enjoy his food! I can say with utmost surety that the foodie in me, comes from my dad's side of the family. 

He took over quickly and brilliantly after my grandfather started falling ill. After my father died, he was the next closest thing I knew in that type of figure. When I look at my aunty and my cousins, it's almost like a deja vu type situation. I know how they feel. My mum knows how my aunty feels, and all I can say to them with complete and utter faith is that it's going to be okay. It's going to take a while, but it will be okay.

I've realised that I've become very resilient and I can now certainly say that death does not affect me like it once did. I have lost the ability to cry, the ability to feel sadness and the ability to feel that pain that comes with a great loss like this. I certainly miss him, and I certainly feel like my life is very different and quite empty without his presence.

Until we reunite again, Papa - I miss you and I love you.

Awesome post

So, I write to let you all know that I have a great idea for a post.

:D

I'll post soon! I haven't forgotten. How could I?!

Safe Haven

“‎When she looked up at him, it was suddenly easy for her to imagine that her fears were pointless. That he would love her no matter what she told him, and that he was the kind of man who loved her already and would love her forever.."

Twenty Five .. (I'm Getting Old)

I was looking through my blog the other day at work (I was very very bored, and there was honestly no work to do. Although the chances are even if there was work to do I'd be doing the same thing) and I saw how I've been consistently writing about all my birthdays every year. About how the past year has been and etc. This year I thought I'd change it up a bit and have a to-do list of what I'm going to do this coming year. Are you ready?

1. Pass my driving test
2. Find a man to marry
3. Wait for the third series of Sherlock
4. Find a man to marry
5. Horse riding
6. Sky diving
7. Find a man to marry
8. Tone up
9. Bungee jumping
10. Become a better cook
11. Find a man to marry

Not a bad list right? And very very doable. I also think if I write "find a man to marry" a few times.. I may actually do it. And I may find him. I don't like playing hide and seek any more, FYI. If you, my future husband are reading this.

So. Twenty five. Five years away from thirty. That's a big deal, right? I look forward to the next five years. I have no idea what they'll bring but they will definitely be better than the last five. They say your twenties aren't really that great. Things get better in your mid-late twenties, and then even better in your thirties. So far, that's been pretty spot on. I like the idea of 25. I feel like people will take me more seriously. And by people I mean me.  Apart from the very little seriousness, I've started having far more fun than I thought I could. I feel like exploring more places, doing more things and just being more independent. Okay, so I just realised that I've always done this.. So 25 isn't that different.

I'll check back to this post next year when I'm 26 and let you know what I think.

 

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul. 

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed. 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishment the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

                                             - William Ernest Henley 

Flight

New beginnings. That's what I'm all about. That's what I write about. That's what I wrote about when I yearned for them. And lately, I've been been witnessing them more than usual.. Not that I'm complaining.

I left my job. I finally did it! Although I wasn't as brave as I thought I could be.. And I resigned after finding another job, although in a similar field. It felt bittersweet as I rolled in to my last day a few days ago. It felt so new, and it was my first "last day at a job" so that was pretty great. Especially since I've hardly had "first time" events in the last few months, although I hope that is to change in the near future. 

I talk a lot about change, I know - but it's what I'm used to. It's what I know and what I am about. I have had many periods in my life where there has been no change, but constant turmoil, or just boredom. I have realised though, I can actually be pushed really far before I feel like I'm breaking (or falling apart.. Or falling together, depending on the situation). As time goes on, and more changes occur, I understand more about myself and I see how resilient I am. Yes, I have moments where I'd rather give up and pretend that certain issues don't exist, but on the whole - I feel like I've become more persistent in dealing with everything as and when it comes along. In short, I am never too surprised with what I have been faced with.. I realise how that comment can be both pessimistic and optimistic at the same time.

Over the last few months I have seen myself do and say things I thought I'd never have the confidence to do. Especially at work (although it spans over to my personal life as well). Things like speaking up when I felt something was going wrong or felt uncomfortable with to things like giving myself credit where it was due (not to be mistaken with pride).

As I have also involved myself with matrimonial searches - I have become more open-minded and far less reserved in talking about myself. It has helped in making me understand what I want in my future, and where I'd like to be.. And what type of person I'd like to be there with. It's exciting, for sure but it can get a little monotonous and a bit confusing as well. All I know is.. When I finally find Mr. Sanaa.. I'm going to interrogate him about why he took so long to come along, and why he's so bad at playing hide and seek. So Mr. Sanaa, if you are reading this, you better have some excellent answers ready for me. Also note that I am more forgiving when presented with Godiva chocolates.

And finally.. To all those afraid of change. It's a wonderfully mysterious and exhausting thing. If you have your arms open, it's usually a little less messy.

.. Oh and a song, of course.

Excelsior

excelsior  (ɪkˈsɛlsɪˌɔː)
— interj , — adv , — n
1.	upwards

A new song

Yes, I have slacked. Okay. I'm guilty. There, I said it. But it's not like I didn't think about you (you being the single follower I have). 

But seeing as it's a new year and all of that jazz - I thought of sharing with you my new favourite song. 

I'm addicted to it, to say the least. 

Le sigh..

I also promise to be a better blogger this year. You know why? Because 2013 is going to be absolutely great. It's definitely going to be the year of greatness (this includes the plan that I have been making consistently every year to go Sky Diving! Yes I'll post pictures!)

More to come!