"Oh life.. It's bigger, bigger than you"

After a whirlwind few months, I have decided to make a proper comeback to my writing and my comfort - my blog!

To say that the last few months was a totally insane time in my life, is an understatement. From accepting that I had to make many changes within myself to losing my grandfather - It's been a time of total adaptation and adjustment.

I wrote a short post about my grandfather just after his passing - but what I couldn't write at the time I will write now, briefly.

The months prior to his death, my grandfather was quite ill. He was in and out of the hospital for weeks at a stretch, with a heart that had failed after my dad's passing - his other organs had started to suffer. He caught infections, he lost his mobility and towards the end he was also losing his memory. The last few months had been quite literally, torturous - for him to suffer through, and for us to watch him suffer. We knew that his health wouldn't improve, so all we did was pray for what was best for him. There were a few occasions that we were sure he would pass on, but he pulled through several times. The days leading to his passing, his face looked peaceful, he somehow seemed younger. I wasn't there when he passed away, as my mum and I were up North visiting my sister. We were told that his passing was very peaceful, and his soul left him without any torture and with total ease. It was a sign of a good soul.

Since his passing, I've felt this emptiness in my world. I felt that the head of the family, the authority, the person who bought our family name forward, the person at the top, and more importantly, the pillar of our family had gone. I last felt that when my father passed away, 10 years ago. Losing my grandfather was terrifying and I felt like that scared child resurface all over again. I had all these very intense, very deep emotions suddenly appear and I knew that it wouldn't be easy to deal with it. 

I sit and think about it and I feel saddened by the fact that I no longer have any grandparents left in my world. I knew my grandfather the most out of all my grandparents - and I guess that's one of the reasons it hit me hard. Obviously we were all relieved in a way that he wasn't suffering any more, but there was this very big sense of just plain vacant space filled with loss and disorientation. Almost everyone was thinking "what will we do now? We're so lost." He was the last of that generation, and he lived a wonderfully meaningful life. His stories of his life in India, Africa and England will always be with me. His sense of humour, his sharp responses and his vibrant personality are things I hold close to me and will learn from. He was a charitable, generous and more importantly a pious man. It's no wonder that my own father turned out the way he did - his father was no different.

In 10 years, I've lost many people in my life. I've witnessed death more than most people do in their entire life. It's a part of my existence, and although it's not the greatest, it gives me a reality check over and over again. This time however, it was a total different experience. It's bought me to a place that I thought I left far-FAR-behind me. Clearly, there have been so many different things I've yet to deal with, and are now staring back at me directly. I cannot escape this time, and I cannot ignore these things. I am open to change, I am open to let life flow freely through me and through my experiences. This is what I am working towards - a happier, better and more calmer life. I've been in turbulence for ages.

Through my experiences over the coming weeks/months - I will blog about it, and openly discuss many things about myself. It is going to be exciting.