After a whirlwind few months, I have decided to make a proper comeback to my writing and my comfort - my blog!
To
say that the last few months was a totally insane time in my life, is
an understatement. From accepting that I had to make many changes within
myself to losing my grandfather - It's been a time of total adaptation
and adjustment.
I
wrote a short post about my grandfather just after his passing - but
what I couldn't write at the time I will write now, briefly.
The
months prior to his death, my grandfather was quite ill. He was in and
out of the hospital for weeks at a stretch, with a heart that had failed
after my dad's passing - his other organs had started to suffer. He
caught infections, he lost his mobility and towards the end he was also
losing his memory. The last few months had been quite literally,
torturous - for him to suffer through, and for us to watch him suffer.
We knew that his health wouldn't improve, so all we did was pray for
what was best for him. There were a few occasions that we were sure he
would pass on, but he pulled through several times. The days leading to
his passing, his face looked peaceful, he somehow seemed younger. I
wasn't there when he passed away, as my mum and I were up North visiting
my sister. We were told that his passing was very peaceful, and his
soul left him without any torture and with total ease. It was a sign of a
good soul.
Since
his passing, I've felt this emptiness in my world. I felt that the head
of the family, the authority, the person who bought our family name
forward, the person at the top, and more importantly, the pillar of our
family had gone. I last felt that when my father passed away, 10 years
ago. Losing my grandfather was terrifying and I felt like that scared
child resurface all over again. I had all these very intense, very deep
emotions suddenly appear and I knew that it wouldn't be easy to deal
with it.
I
sit and think about it and I feel saddened by the fact that I no longer
have any grandparents left in my world. I knew my grandfather the most
out of all my grandparents - and I guess that's one of the reasons it
hit me hard. Obviously we were all relieved in a way that he wasn't
suffering any more, but there was this very big sense of just plain
vacant space filled with loss and disorientation. Almost everyone was
thinking "what will we do now? We're so lost." He was the last of that
generation, and he lived a wonderfully meaningful life. His stories of
his life in India, Africa and England will always be with me. His sense
of humour, his sharp responses and his vibrant personality are things I
hold close to me and will learn from. He was a charitable, generous and
more importantly a pious man. It's no wonder that my own father turned
out the way he did - his father was no different.
In
10 years, I've lost many people in my life. I've witnessed death more
than most people do in their entire life. It's a part of my existence,
and although it's not the greatest, it gives me a reality check over and
over again. This time however, it was a total different experience.
It's bought me to a place that I thought I left far-FAR-behind me.
Clearly, there have been so many different things I've yet to deal with,
and are now staring back at me directly. I cannot escape this time, and
I cannot ignore these things. I am open to change, I am open to let
life flow freely through me and through my experiences. This is what I
am working towards - a happier, better and more calmer life. I've been
in turbulence for ages.
Through
my experiences over the coming weeks/months - I will blog about it, and
openly discuss many things about myself. It is going to be exciting.
