Two Thousand and Eleven

So here it is. My yearly post about the year gone by. Except this time, it seems way too fast that this has happened. I remember sitting down this time last year, writing a year-review. It feels so odd that 12 months have passed so dramatically fast. Last I remember, I was unemployed, slipping across the black ice that had formed due to too much snow outside my house on the way to the gym and terribly desperate to make something of my life.

If I had to describe this year in two words I'd say it was turbulent and draining. I know these are very negative words, but it's very true. Personally, it's been just that. I've felt more tired and more confused than ever before. I've had to make decisions that I didn't want to, say things I never thought I would say, and see various relationships I have dissolve right in front of my eyes without the energy to save them. On the other hand, I found solace in developing relationships with friends and family I never thought I would.

2011 will always be the year that I started my first full-time job. It will also be the year that I almost lost hope of finding a job, and then getting about 5 offers on the same day. And that is something I will always be very happy about.

This year definitely marks itself as the "bad news year".. There was a time when I would always read the newspapers (not the metro, but the Guardian or something with "actual" news, as opposed to repetitive stories), watch the news and follow a variety of news-esque websites religiously. But this year, every time I managed to read any articles, it just revolved around what a mess this world is in - from financial crises to apparent dictators being overthrown and killed, to the killing of the world's "biggest terrorist" (which let's all face, was all completely shady), to natural disasters and famine, to riots across the world and David Cameron still being allowed to lead Britain to an inevitable (and very fast) end.

I spent so much of this year in fear and worry for the world and what it is fast becoming. And that is, a mess. It's becoming a total and utter mess. And the worst thing is that 2012 will only bring worse things. But more on that later.

I think this year I definitely "grew up".. I know I always harp on about how I was mature from a young age, which is still very true, but I think I started understanding so many other things this year. For one, I understood the disgusting world of finance, then the reality of working which hasn't been so bad, but the stress it brings is unreal. Along with that, I understood what I wanted out of my life, at least the direction in which I should be working towards - career wise, and everything else too. Yes, that means marriage.

And finally, this year brought with it a lot of hurtful but raw truth. There were so many explosive moments of truth, that were not only painful but completely necessary. Relationships were strained but they found their places in the end - not the same place, but a new place.

All in all, I think 2011 flew by too fast. I will remember it as the year without a holiday or rather a year with many failed holiday plans. But most of all, I will remember it as the year that had no pauses.

I wish you all a very good year ahead. May it be filled with all types of experiences, growth and love.

Here's a song to end my 2011 with.

Bring me a higher love

I've been away from technology and socialisation for a good few months now.. Not entirely by choice but mostly because of immersing myself in work and a bunch of other things that has been a welcomed distraction away from many things I have been trying to figure out.

No, I'm not about to list the extensive list of things I have been "figuring out", but I will share one of the things that has taken precedence over all other thoughts. That is - love.

I've been questioning the idea of love for many years now.. But never have I truly spent so much time (in my mind) understanding it and the very many ways it is represented. I read many books. I listen to a lot of music. I watch a few movies and I day dream a lot more. I constantly think about the type of man I could end up with, and the type of things he'd say or do to make me happy. Yes, these are general things that girls think about when they are younger. With me however, they have seemed to grow stronger with each passing year as I get older and start to think about my future. I don't know what it is, but I am completely swept away by romance. I really am. The utterly sickening kind as well. (I feel like I should be part of a support group right now, because I would NEVER have said that, out loud.. Especially not on my space for writing). But there you go. The media has corrupted my mind and made me feel that romance in that manner could exist - although I know better, judging from real life relationships I have seen around me, I know that it is far from plain-sailing, I also know that love and romance isn't at all as it has been represented in the media. Although I wish it were. It would make, looking forward to falling in love and finding a man to do that with, so much easier.

Judging however, from my luck, I am pretty sure the above will not happen. Instead, I am probably going to be matched with someone who is very realistic (which is great) and not very romantic either. Not that I'll mind, because romance can get boring after a while (look at me, trying to persuade myself), and I'm sure I'll get used to being his soggy tissue in no time and him mine. And what I mean by that is, I think we'll get used to one another. Although I don't want that. It is actually one of my greatest fears. I don't want someone to get used to me, but be surprised by what I come out with even 10 years of being together. I'm afraid of becoming boring to someone. Or vice versa. These are all very scary things. Perhaps that's why I am still single. Because I think too much about the things I am afraid of, rather than plunging straight into them. This coupled with the fact that I would have to be with someone who most certainly operates on a whole different universe to understand me. I am starting to think, that the person I am meant to be with does not exist. I can back this up with the statistical calculations I have done as well, which have lead me into figuring out that there is a negative correlation between who I am and the man I am meant to be with. This in turn meaning that the older I get, the more weirder and more ridiculous I become, hence having a lower chance of meeting someone. I knew mathematics and statistics would fail me. Damned Psychology!

So now that you all know my big secret. Yes, as realistic as I can be at times, I'm completely the opposite when it comes to romance. Isn't that just so miserable? I've set myself up for disaster already. And instead of sorting these very thoughts out, I succumb to reading more ridiculous books and falling for made up characters. I am so going to end up becoming a cat lady. Oh the horror.

As you all stop to laughing - either out of pity or .. Well it is pity isn't it? Listen to this song.