Over the months that I have been at home, I've started to realise and analyse the smaller things about myself - such as, how different things have started to gross me out to an almost nauseous state. So here's a list of stomach-churning, awful smelling, disgusting looking and just down right repulsive things.
1. Rats/mice - Any creature that is that fast, small and wriggles into the most strangest, grimiest of places should not be kept as pets. They make me cringe, nay, scream! One of my greatest phobias.
2. The smell of urine in subways, phone boxes and side-streets.
3. The smell of unwashed clothes - and unwashed people (including the smell of sweat, smelly feet (gross!) awful body odour - especially Asians at the gym who smell like pickle and onions - Eew!).
4. East London - the buses, the people, the accent, the language, the slang, the grim feeling, everything about it makes me feel sick.
5. Unwashed feet and socks. I know I mentioned it earlier, but it makes me feel THAT sick, it needed to be mentioned twice.
6. The smell of raw meat.
7. The smell of raw egg and the taste of the yolk (so glad that I can't eat the yolk in my diet!)
8. Public toilets - for those of you who do know me well, will know that I will NEVER use public bathrooms. Ever. The only places I will consider is at restaurants/hotels/shopping malls where I have been to before, or on recommendation of another who has used the facilities. I mean, if I can go without using the bathroom for five days in India.. I'm pretty sure I can survive a few hours!
9. Spots/acne/zits/pimples - especially on the face. Especially when they're massive and protrude out of your face assuming a whole identity due to its size.
10. Hair that falls on the carpet, in the shower drain, in the toilet, in the sink or on my hair brush. I understand that women have long hair, and that it falls out, of course I do. But I could retch if I had to pick it up, especially when I don't know whose it is.
11. Blood - I have never ever had haemophobia as a child or a teenager. In fact, I used to love taking blood tests and would never mind bandaging up a wound. It's been a recent realisation, when I saw a man bleed endlessly from his nose. And now, I find myself feeling queasy every time I see blood.
12. Bad breath. This actually needs to be WAY higher up in the list. It's one of the greatest, most nasty and repulsive things to be sat across or next to somebody who has bad breath, that as well if they're in conversation with you.
13. Lizards. They're just too creepy and crawly.
14. Cockroaches/flying cockroaches - thankfully you don't get them here, but when we lived in the Middle-East they were everywhere. The worst ones were the giant flying ones. Shudder!
15. The eggy taste in a slice of bread. It can ruin my entire morning.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
You can trust me
Trust, الثقة, Confiance, Vertrauen, 信頼 - In most languages translates to "confidence" or is a synonym for "trust."
Through the course of all the various relationships I have had (I use the term "relationship" to describe every type of connection I have had with another individual - through family, friends, admiration and affection) trust has been something that I have always lacked, I have found. I lacked the confidence in my trusting abilities, and it was apparent for years.
It obviously went downhill after dad passed on. I lost the ability to trust in people in general, and I know that is normal. You go through all these crazy emotions and try to understand what happened, try to put things into perspective and end up losing faith along with everything else. After this point, when I did find myself getting close or attached to somebody, I somehow sabotaged it in my own head before it sabotaged in reality. It was like "well they're going to leave me anyway so why bother protecting it?" It sounds very damaging, and it was. I lost my confidence in trusting people - would probably be a spot on definition.
As the years passed, I found myself involved in deeper and more meaningful relationships - ones that I actually wanted to save and protect from myself - if that makes any sense. I decided to fix my issues with trusting people and giving my all in any type of relationship I was in. It became easier trusting those I was close to. There were people in my life that I used to hang out with often who didn't really know me. I would make my mark in the "group" as the funny one, the one to go to for information on various topics or the one that always have perfume and deodorant (which I still am!). Beyond that, nobody would realise what was behind these qualities. This was down to me building up a wall around me, fearing that if I shared parts of myself to those I could not trust enough, I would not be able to be a whole person. Trusting and sharing things with another person was essentially like taking pieces of me and distributing them - at least that is how I saw it.
The people I did trust, I used to get attached to. I would divulge all my thoughts, memories (not all - you all know my theory on memories) and various other things that defined me. It was the other extreme of how I was with those I was not close to. I could never find a good and healthy middle ground sadly. It was always one or the other. And what made it harder was that I only behaved that way to very very very few (I mean about 2 people). It was again, a very damaging way to go about things I know.. But it was the only way I knew how to trust anyone. It was worse because when these relationships came to an end either abruptly or due to difficulties, my abilities to trust demolished with them. It was a cycle I found myself in very often. It was simple, I could not trust. If I did, I wanted it to stay bubbled forever without hurting me.
It was only over the last couple of years where I have really come out of my shell or trusting people and understanding what is a good place to be when it comes to all my relationships. I know how much to give of myself and I know how much to save. I have lost some very close bonds I made with some over the last few years and it wasn't as catastrophic as I once remember. In fact, I remember thinking that time had come to end, put aside and just generally make my peace with the relationship that I was once a part of.
Alas, here I divulge another part of me with no worry. And of course, a song.
Through the course of all the various relationships I have had (I use the term "relationship" to describe every type of connection I have had with another individual - through family, friends, admiration and affection) trust has been something that I have always lacked, I have found. I lacked the confidence in my trusting abilities, and it was apparent for years.
It obviously went downhill after dad passed on. I lost the ability to trust in people in general, and I know that is normal. You go through all these crazy emotions and try to understand what happened, try to put things into perspective and end up losing faith along with everything else. After this point, when I did find myself getting close or attached to somebody, I somehow sabotaged it in my own head before it sabotaged in reality. It was like "well they're going to leave me anyway so why bother protecting it?" It sounds very damaging, and it was. I lost my confidence in trusting people - would probably be a spot on definition.
As the years passed, I found myself involved in deeper and more meaningful relationships - ones that I actually wanted to save and protect from myself - if that makes any sense. I decided to fix my issues with trusting people and giving my all in any type of relationship I was in. It became easier trusting those I was close to. There were people in my life that I used to hang out with often who didn't really know me. I would make my mark in the "group" as the funny one, the one to go to for information on various topics or the one that always have perfume and deodorant (which I still am!). Beyond that, nobody would realise what was behind these qualities. This was down to me building up a wall around me, fearing that if I shared parts of myself to those I could not trust enough, I would not be able to be a whole person. Trusting and sharing things with another person was essentially like taking pieces of me and distributing them - at least that is how I saw it.
The people I did trust, I used to get attached to. I would divulge all my thoughts, memories (not all - you all know my theory on memories) and various other things that defined me. It was the other extreme of how I was with those I was not close to. I could never find a good and healthy middle ground sadly. It was always one or the other. And what made it harder was that I only behaved that way to very very very few (I mean about 2 people). It was again, a very damaging way to go about things I know.. But it was the only way I knew how to trust anyone. It was worse because when these relationships came to an end either abruptly or due to difficulties, my abilities to trust demolished with them. It was a cycle I found myself in very often. It was simple, I could not trust. If I did, I wanted it to stay bubbled forever without hurting me.
It was only over the last couple of years where I have really come out of my shell or trusting people and understanding what is a good place to be when it comes to all my relationships. I know how much to give of myself and I know how much to save. I have lost some very close bonds I made with some over the last few years and it wasn't as catastrophic as I once remember. In fact, I remember thinking that time had come to end, put aside and just generally make my peace with the relationship that I was once a part of.
Alas, here I divulge another part of me with no worry. And of course, a song.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
B-r-o-k-e-n
How many times have I used that word? I've lost count. I think if there was a system where you could record the most commonly used word in the world, it would definitely be "broken." I think with recent unsettled political events, changing and damaging weather, awful recession and just general unrest, people seem to be feeling broken and uncertain about their future.
There is so much negativity everywhere, and it's just so unsettling. I wish things would start working out, but somehow they seem to be stagnated. Another word I have been using a lot. Be it subconsciously or purposely, I tend to fit in very negative words in terms of speaking at times. They say that in order to get to something you really want you have to focus all your positivity and confidence on it. I think that is a load of crap at the moment. I think it's down to your luck. If you have good luck, then you can get anything.
Broken is such a strong word. You can be broken hearted, you can be physically broken, you can be mentally or emotionally broken. It's just a very fitting word I think, for many to describe their circumstance, so much so, that Takotsubo Cardiomypathy is also known as the Broken-Hearted Syndrome in the medical world. Because emotional stress can cause dysfunctions in the heart to an almost failing point. Isn't that so strange? You always hear of people getting heart conditions due to bad diet and external and internal stresses usually to do with finances, accommodation or businesses. But you never hear of people suffering from conditions due to physically being broken hearted from the emotional repercussions of losing a loved one, breaking up with somebody or just being very very hurt or sad.
As days go by, there are things I realise about the world that I am starting to dislike. The list gets longer day by day, and I think I need a thought-makeover to redeem everything before I become a sceptical cynic.
Here's a song. A fitting song.
There is so much negativity everywhere, and it's just so unsettling. I wish things would start working out, but somehow they seem to be stagnated. Another word I have been using a lot. Be it subconsciously or purposely, I tend to fit in very negative words in terms of speaking at times. They say that in order to get to something you really want you have to focus all your positivity and confidence on it. I think that is a load of crap at the moment. I think it's down to your luck. If you have good luck, then you can get anything.
Broken is such a strong word. You can be broken hearted, you can be physically broken, you can be mentally or emotionally broken. It's just a very fitting word I think, for many to describe their circumstance, so much so, that Takotsubo Cardiomypathy is also known as the Broken-Hearted Syndrome in the medical world. Because emotional stress can cause dysfunctions in the heart to an almost failing point. Isn't that so strange? You always hear of people getting heart conditions due to bad diet and external and internal stresses usually to do with finances, accommodation or businesses. But you never hear of people suffering from conditions due to physically being broken hearted from the emotional repercussions of losing a loved one, breaking up with somebody or just being very very hurt or sad.
As days go by, there are things I realise about the world that I am starting to dislike. The list gets longer day by day, and I think I need a thought-makeover to redeem everything before I become a sceptical cynic.
Here's a song. A fitting song.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
A love letter
As all of you know, I love words. If there is one thing I am most passionate about is words. In different forms. In every form. They fascinate me. Since I've been reading a lot of books and taking an interest in a lot of different writing over the internet as well, I started realising how people have changed in terms of how they communicate their affection towards another through their words.
Whilst in college here in London, I realised that the concept of "love" was quite different. It was more about the physical side of things, and more about fighting and arguing loudly for everyone to see. Oh and cheating. For instance, I was once sitting with an acquaintance who was telling me all about her "love" story. She told me how they "dug" each other (no, not physically dig a hole in the ground, the other, more cooler "dig") and how they had met at a party, and now she was coming close to celebrating her 2nd year anniversary with him. I was impressed, until she told me that she didn't care for him and just stayed with him because it was easier than looking for somebody else. It was so upsetting to hear something like that, and apparently it was quite common. They weren't really "in love", they were just together. She once dictated an email she wanted me to write out to him due to some technical issue on her computer. It read, "yeh I love u 2. Soz cant make it to ur work 2day babe. c u lata."
I know that we have to move with the changes and everything, and I'm all for that. But there has to be some kind of protective bubble like substance that stays around words used to communicate affectionate and passionate feelings. I mean I understand that people need to get their message across, and in this day and age where people are trying to make long distance relationships work more and more, I get that the only communication you can have is digital. But still, preserving words for this is something I really believe in.
I think that it's getting harder to come across people who still think or write that way. Communicating such deep feelings should just flow out from your fingertips or your mouth, not every day but once in a while. You should feel inspired every time you see that person that it takes no effort at all to just use all these brilliant words that you have at your disposal. It's not just about writing or speaking in a more sincere and expressive manner, but it's also the type of words used to describe certain things - such as using "fit, buff, peng" and I regret to write "da bomb" (yes I'm serious), to describe somebody you find very attractive. Why does it have to be so hard to use something as simple as "beautiful/stunning/magnificent?"
It's all well and good to text message or e-mailing the person you have feelings for to let them know you're thinking about them. And it does make you feel special, receiving that email or text message which is well written, that has substance to it. If you read it in a book, you'd swoon. No, I'm not saying that people should always talk like they're out of a 1950's romantic movie, or a World War 1 soldier writing to his loved one far away. But there has to be something, that makes the words just stick to you for the day, week, and perhaps even years - where when you think about those words, even if that person no longer exists in your life, you feel warm and feel a rush of brilliant tingles.
I think that there are so many ways to write, talk and speak non-verbally to get your words of 'love' across to the person they're meant for and I don't see the use of degrading a few lovely words to make them sound like they came out of a chewing cow's mouth. I think we're better than that, no?
In the spirit of this post - a very fitting song.
Over time I have gathered a lot of information through the various things I have seen - be it on a train, or a passer bys overheard conversation. There are always new things that I'm learning about this "new" generation that's emerged. I've seen or heard people "dumping" their partners via text message by saying things like "were ova" - I mean, no decency to punctuate or even spell correctly. Surely the person receiving this text message needs a little more information, or at least words that make sense, right? Apparently not. It seems to be a very common thing. Especially to text message someone, or e-mailing them to say "i luv u" which let's be honest, is a bit annoying. At least respect the words in their right form. How much harder is it to add a few more vowels to the entire message, right? Okay, this isn't a rant (don't get me started on Valentines Day!).
I've seen a lot of my friends and acquaintances fall in and out of 'love' several times in the same month. I don't judge them for it, because I think it is possible to have strong feelings for a few people in different ways. I just think that there is one person that fits perfectly with us in the end.
When I was a teenager, and the friends/acquaintances I had around me, would often write letters/notes to the boys in our school, as we were in a segregated school. There were times where I would be sat next to them whilst they wrote it and it would read something like this "hey babes, u looked so hot/sexy yesterday when u were walking to the sports hall. What was Miss X doin with u and y were u laughing so much? i told dat b**** to stay away frm u. neways ill see u behind the buses at home time today. I love u mwah." These "love" notes would be passed around the entire school before reaching their destination at the boys section.
I know that we have to move with the changes and everything, and I'm all for that. But there has to be some kind of protective bubble like substance that stays around words used to communicate affectionate and passionate feelings. I mean I understand that people need to get their message across, and in this day and age where people are trying to make long distance relationships work more and more, I get that the only communication you can have is digital. But still, preserving words for this is something I really believe in.
I think that it's getting harder to come across people who still think or write that way. Communicating such deep feelings should just flow out from your fingertips or your mouth, not every day but once in a while. You should feel inspired every time you see that person that it takes no effort at all to just use all these brilliant words that you have at your disposal. It's not just about writing or speaking in a more sincere and expressive manner, but it's also the type of words used to describe certain things - such as using "fit, buff, peng" and I regret to write "da bomb" (yes I'm serious), to describe somebody you find very attractive. Why does it have to be so hard to use something as simple as "beautiful/stunning/magnificent?"
I think some of the most breathtaking words ever written, have come from a very very long time ago. The legendary and renowned love letter (linked) for instance, by Beethoven was written somewhere in the 1700 or 1800. Words like that, make you envision something so fantastic. It makes you think "wow, this man/woman really knew how to love".. And although that's such a ridiculous thing to say, because well you can't possibly know how to love, you just do, right? But it makes you believe that this person, whoever he or she may be, had a great love story, one of those that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, with great twists and turns with a great happy ending. But maybe it wasn't so great, maybe it was just ordinary. But you see, that's the kind of thing words do to you.
It's all well and good to text message or e-mailing the person you have feelings for to let them know you're thinking about them. And it does make you feel special, receiving that email or text message which is well written, that has substance to it. If you read it in a book, you'd swoon. No, I'm not saying that people should always talk like they're out of a 1950's romantic movie, or a World War 1 soldier writing to his loved one far away. But there has to be something, that makes the words just stick to you for the day, week, and perhaps even years - where when you think about those words, even if that person no longer exists in your life, you feel warm and feel a rush of brilliant tingles.
I think that there are so many ways to write, talk and speak non-verbally to get your words of 'love' across to the person they're meant for and I don't see the use of degrading a few lovely words to make them sound like they came out of a chewing cow's mouth. I think we're better than that, no?
In the spirit of this post - a very fitting song.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Inspiraton.Inspire.Inspiring.Inspired
I watched this movie the other day, one I have been waiting to watch for ages. There was nothing terribly extraordinary about it, but there was something that really resonated with me.
There was this scene where one of the characters was talking to the woman he shared a relationship with, and what she said was so simple, but so effective. All she said to describe their relationship was "we inspired each other." And although that's not something you hear everyday, I think it's one of the most beautiful ways to define a relationship with somebody you care for deeply.
It got me thinking, about how a lot of the time we aren't inspired to do things we really want to. We get caught in this mess, this really awful spiral of routine and just lose inspiration to getting to the places we want to be with the people we want to be with. It's actually a really sad thought.
Of course I am inspired by my parents. I often think about my father and wonder how he did so many things, achieved such greatness and continued to influence those around him even after his passing. It's people like him who bring out the best in others and leave such amazing teachings behind. Yes, he is one of the main people in my life who I have been inspired by time and time again. Especially when I have found myself particularly stagnated.
One of the fears I have is that when I look back on these years when I'm older, that I will have regrets. Regrets of not being inspired to make changes, of not taking control and attempting to achieve what I wanted the most. I don't want to be one of those people who just falls into a pattern and lives with it.
I think we all need to have at least one person in our lives who we are inspired by. A muse. Whether or not we are the ones to inspire another, I don't know.. But it's worth a try.
(A song that's been in my head for a few days.)
There was this scene where one of the characters was talking to the woman he shared a relationship with, and what she said was so simple, but so effective. All she said to describe their relationship was "we inspired each other." And although that's not something you hear everyday, I think it's one of the most beautiful ways to define a relationship with somebody you care for deeply.
It got me thinking, about how a lot of the time we aren't inspired to do things we really want to. We get caught in this mess, this really awful spiral of routine and just lose inspiration to getting to the places we want to be with the people we want to be with. It's actually a really sad thought.
Of course I am inspired by my parents. I often think about my father and wonder how he did so many things, achieved such greatness and continued to influence those around him even after his passing. It's people like him who bring out the best in others and leave such amazing teachings behind. Yes, he is one of the main people in my life who I have been inspired by time and time again. Especially when I have found myself particularly stagnated.
One of the fears I have is that when I look back on these years when I'm older, that I will have regrets. Regrets of not being inspired to make changes, of not taking control and attempting to achieve what I wanted the most. I don't want to be one of those people who just falls into a pattern and lives with it.
I think we all need to have at least one person in our lives who we are inspired by. A muse. Whether or not we are the ones to inspire another, I don't know.. But it's worth a try.
(A song that's been in my head for a few days.)
Tuesday, February 08, 2011
The rest of me
Finding somebody who you share a good chemistry with is like finding the correct song to the tune you hum but never know what it is - it takes years to find.
I have been thinking a lot, with all the spare time I have. I've come to the conclusion that I don't have a pattern or a certain "quality" I go for, when making friends. When I look back on all the very close friendships I had over the years, I see no similarities. Each person did however bring a change to my character for that place I was in. I think if I were to describe any phase in my life up till now, I would have no problem in doing so, just by looking at the types of friends I had during that time. Obviously I am still in touch with some of them, but each time we do talk, I realise how much I have changed.
I guess these thoughts came about because I've been missing some of my closest friends. I have had a lot of time to spend with myself over the last couple of months, and lately I have found my company to be somewhat interesting. For instance, I visited the British Library the other day and it was gorgeous. I loved it. There was nothing spectacular there or life changing, but it was just the atmosphere I was in. It dawned on me that, although I have become accustomed to being by myself (not "alone" - notice the difference) I missed hanging around with some of my good friends.
I was explaining this concept to a few people the other day - the concept of enjoying doing things by yourself once in a while. It seemed like some people find this idea bizzare and somewhat saddening. I don't understand why really. I mean how uncomfortable do you have to be with yourself for not wanting to spend time with yourself, right? I think if everyone takes time to enjoy their own company (in a non-schizophrenic manner) you appreciate others just as much. It's something I learnt in Psychology actually - that people tend to redirect their worst qualities or fears upon another person, thinking that it's actually a fault in the person rather than themselves (called the "transference theory" for anyone interested). So I guess if you learn to deal with these fears and gain insight into yourself, you'd probably be more comfortable in your own skin and surroundings. It is hard to do, and accept a lot of the times, but hey it's worth a shot.
Anyway, as I was saying - I was trying to explain this concept to a few people and they found it so foreign and actually laughed at me. I found it particularly ignorant of them actually. It's like somebody STILL believing that Dubai is in Saudi Arabia. I mean, what if you want to watch a movie really badly, or go to an event that is only on for a day, but you don't have the company? Most people would choose not to go at all in fear of "looking bad" or "feeling lonely." I'm not saying that I'm a loner, or I like being by myself all the time. I'm just saying that it's important to have that relationship with yourself. We always forget to appreciate ourselves, and just pat ourselves on the back at the end of a hard day to say "well-done" or "don't worry, things will get better" in fear that you'll seem crazy. I say go all out, and talk to yourself once in a while, a full blown conversation about all sorts.
For those of you wondering, I'm not deluded, hallucinating, schizophrenic or anything else.
For the rest of you, especially the wonderful friends, who do "get me" - here's a song.
I have been thinking a lot, with all the spare time I have. I've come to the conclusion that I don't have a pattern or a certain "quality" I go for, when making friends. When I look back on all the very close friendships I had over the years, I see no similarities. Each person did however bring a change to my character for that place I was in. I think if I were to describe any phase in my life up till now, I would have no problem in doing so, just by looking at the types of friends I had during that time. Obviously I am still in touch with some of them, but each time we do talk, I realise how much I have changed.
I guess these thoughts came about because I've been missing some of my closest friends. I have had a lot of time to spend with myself over the last couple of months, and lately I have found my company to be somewhat interesting. For instance, I visited the British Library the other day and it was gorgeous. I loved it. There was nothing spectacular there or life changing, but it was just the atmosphere I was in. It dawned on me that, although I have become accustomed to being by myself (not "alone" - notice the difference) I missed hanging around with some of my good friends.
I was explaining this concept to a few people the other day - the concept of enjoying doing things by yourself once in a while. It seemed like some people find this idea bizzare and somewhat saddening. I don't understand why really. I mean how uncomfortable do you have to be with yourself for not wanting to spend time with yourself, right? I think if everyone takes time to enjoy their own company (in a non-schizophrenic manner) you appreciate others just as much. It's something I learnt in Psychology actually - that people tend to redirect their worst qualities or fears upon another person, thinking that it's actually a fault in the person rather than themselves (called the "transference theory" for anyone interested). So I guess if you learn to deal with these fears and gain insight into yourself, you'd probably be more comfortable in your own skin and surroundings. It is hard to do, and accept a lot of the times, but hey it's worth a shot.
Anyway, as I was saying - I was trying to explain this concept to a few people and they found it so foreign and actually laughed at me. I found it particularly ignorant of them actually. It's like somebody STILL believing that Dubai is in Saudi Arabia. I mean, what if you want to watch a movie really badly, or go to an event that is only on for a day, but you don't have the company? Most people would choose not to go at all in fear of "looking bad" or "feeling lonely." I'm not saying that I'm a loner, or I like being by myself all the time. I'm just saying that it's important to have that relationship with yourself. We always forget to appreciate ourselves, and just pat ourselves on the back at the end of a hard day to say "well-done" or "don't worry, things will get better" in fear that you'll seem crazy. I say go all out, and talk to yourself once in a while, a full blown conversation about all sorts.
For those of you wondering, I'm not deluded, hallucinating, schizophrenic or anything else.
For the rest of you, especially the wonderful friends, who do "get me" - here's a song.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Eyes wider than before
Hello fellow.. followers? Wow, that was awful.
So I decided to take a few days away from the internet and my beloved Mac (I know, those who know me well know that I am OBSESSED with Machiavelli - no, not Niccolo Machiavelli the Italian philosopher. Although come to think of it, Machiavelli (my Mac) is pretty clever. And philosophical. And everything in between - now you can see why I needed a few days away from this crazy obsession).
I've been in this really strange funk for a while. One I've had a hard time pulling myself out of. It's been a mixture of things, but I think one of the predominant factors leading to this funk was the lack of direction I've had in terms of practically everything.
The months leading up to my graduation, I had certain thoughts about how the following months would turn out. I thought that after University ended, and after the whole "relaxation period" was over that I would find a good job within the field of Psychology, and things would just roll out after that. I knew I was entering the job market at an awful, awful, awful (times infinity) time, smack down in the recession and costing cuts. I knew that people would rather take on others, more experienced, who had been in similar working roles before so that they don't have to spend money training newbies. It makes sense and everything, but there used to be a time when graduates would get priority for certain jobs and now it's just so awful. What makes it worse is that I've come across some scams as well - and believe me, when you're THAT desperate to find employment, you get happy when you get a response after the amount of effort and time you spend on-line - you get really happy when someone takes an interest in your CV. It is so annoying and almost makes you feel a little less trusting towards posting your CV on the more legit websites.
Anyway, I think I've been pushing myself far too much in trying to find a job, and not really seeing whether it's something I want to do. It's not that I am being picky, because I have been to every single one of my interviews, be it in a Financial company or something more in my forte like a Children's Charity, I've done the best I could in all. Over the last couple of months however, I decided to narrow my interests into the areas I knew I could do well in, and actually have knowledge on. I started to concentrate on the experiences I've had, rather than go towards something brand new in this miserable recession, and settled on applying in that manner. It came to my attention however that I was having little luck in that area, but I continued to complete at least five applications by the end of each day, more if I was quicker. After months of sticking to the same routine and finding myself digging a deeper hole with each application and becoming so formulaic with the way I was writing, I realised I was going in circles. I had over 40 different covering letters, and similar amounts of CV's to accompany them. My heart wasn't in what I was doing everyday, as it became a part of my daily routine - something I had a timetable for automatically and did without fail every day, and by the end of it I would just copy paste several of my pre-written statements. I found myself however, spending a lot of time on very few applications for jobs I really wanted. Those were the ones I felt most satisfied with.
A few days ago it dawned on me that I was just heartlessly doing things because I had to. I had to find a job, because it's logically the next big thing to go on to once graduation was over and done with. It's one of those pre-set plans for mostly everyone. It was mine, and I wanted to live up to it as well. Six months later, a whole lot of job interviews, rejections and uncountable applications later, I'm still unemployed. I blamed most of this on the recession and the uncertainty it bought with it, but at some point I had to stop and think. I had to reassess where I was going with everything and realised that I had a part to play in the funk I was in.
After a lot of thought, I decided to take a few days off from this insane routine. I had to spend time with myself and sit quietly and understand what I was doing. It was really important for me to be away from technology, annoying applications and everything in between and gain some perspective on how I got into such a little spiral. Obviously I didn't expect to have a breakthrough magical moment like they do in the movies, but I did come out feeling a little less hazy and crazy. I understood that I have to change a lot of my ways in order to move forward, not only in the job world but otherwise too, I need to constantly remind myself where my feet are and where my head is, without letting it get too messy.
Perhaps I won't find the perfect job, or the perfect situation. But I'm okay with that. I think what I've found most essential is knowing when to stop and just "going with the flow" without getting too stressed. Oh, and obviously listening to Gandalf's wise words of "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us" (Instead of wasting it).
Alas readers (what else can I call you people? I'm out of creative words, unless you want to see some more of that great alliteration), I'm leaving you with a song.
So I decided to take a few days away from the internet and my beloved Mac (I know, those who know me well know that I am OBSESSED with Machiavelli - no, not Niccolo Machiavelli the Italian philosopher. Although come to think of it, Machiavelli (my Mac) is pretty clever. And philosophical. And everything in between - now you can see why I needed a few days away from this crazy obsession).
I've been in this really strange funk for a while. One I've had a hard time pulling myself out of. It's been a mixture of things, but I think one of the predominant factors leading to this funk was the lack of direction I've had in terms of practically everything.
The months leading up to my graduation, I had certain thoughts about how the following months would turn out. I thought that after University ended, and after the whole "relaxation period" was over that I would find a good job within the field of Psychology, and things would just roll out after that. I knew I was entering the job market at an awful, awful, awful (times infinity) time, smack down in the recession and costing cuts. I knew that people would rather take on others, more experienced, who had been in similar working roles before so that they don't have to spend money training newbies. It makes sense and everything, but there used to be a time when graduates would get priority for certain jobs and now it's just so awful. What makes it worse is that I've come across some scams as well - and believe me, when you're THAT desperate to find employment, you get happy when you get a response after the amount of effort and time you spend on-line - you get really happy when someone takes an interest in your CV. It is so annoying and almost makes you feel a little less trusting towards posting your CV on the more legit websites.
Anyway, I think I've been pushing myself far too much in trying to find a job, and not really seeing whether it's something I want to do. It's not that I am being picky, because I have been to every single one of my interviews, be it in a Financial company or something more in my forte like a Children's Charity, I've done the best I could in all. Over the last couple of months however, I decided to narrow my interests into the areas I knew I could do well in, and actually have knowledge on. I started to concentrate on the experiences I've had, rather than go towards something brand new in this miserable recession, and settled on applying in that manner. It came to my attention however that I was having little luck in that area, but I continued to complete at least five applications by the end of each day, more if I was quicker. After months of sticking to the same routine and finding myself digging a deeper hole with each application and becoming so formulaic with the way I was writing, I realised I was going in circles. I had over 40 different covering letters, and similar amounts of CV's to accompany them. My heart wasn't in what I was doing everyday, as it became a part of my daily routine - something I had a timetable for automatically and did without fail every day, and by the end of it I would just copy paste several of my pre-written statements. I found myself however, spending a lot of time on very few applications for jobs I really wanted. Those were the ones I felt most satisfied with.
A few days ago it dawned on me that I was just heartlessly doing things because I had to. I had to find a job, because it's logically the next big thing to go on to once graduation was over and done with. It's one of those pre-set plans for mostly everyone. It was mine, and I wanted to live up to it as well. Six months later, a whole lot of job interviews, rejections and uncountable applications later, I'm still unemployed. I blamed most of this on the recession and the uncertainty it bought with it, but at some point I had to stop and think. I had to reassess where I was going with everything and realised that I had a part to play in the funk I was in.
After a lot of thought, I decided to take a few days off from this insane routine. I had to spend time with myself and sit quietly and understand what I was doing. It was really important for me to be away from technology, annoying applications and everything in between and gain some perspective on how I got into such a little spiral. Obviously I didn't expect to have a breakthrough magical moment like they do in the movies, but I did come out feeling a little less hazy and crazy. I understood that I have to change a lot of my ways in order to move forward, not only in the job world but otherwise too, I need to constantly remind myself where my feet are and where my head is, without letting it get too messy.
Perhaps I won't find the perfect job, or the perfect situation. But I'm okay with that. I think what I've found most essential is knowing when to stop and just "going with the flow" without getting too stressed. Oh, and obviously listening to Gandalf's wise words of "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us" (Instead of wasting it).
Alas readers (what else can I call you people? I'm out of creative words, unless you want to see some more of that great alliteration), I'm leaving you with a song.
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