Two Thousand and Ten

So here we are, a day left until the New Year comes in, yet again. 2011, seems like a scary number.

I look back on the last few years and find myself boggled at the fact that so much has happened. I never kept track of days and months - I wanted those memories, moments and times to just stay in those places without strangling them too much, you know? I think often times, we overwhelm the usage of memories, exhausting them, and making them so uninteresting and "normal".

So, in keeping with the theme of this post, I have decided to not talk so much about things that "used to be" or too many of the same things over and over again - at least not until 2011. So yes, I get one more chance to do the above and give my thoughts on the last 12 months.

I think, this year marks a lot of great things that happened to me. I graduated, for one - which, lets face, is one very very very big thing. Especially since somewhere in my second year (2009) I felt I was going to fail miserably. Oh, and the fact that I studied for my exams the night before, each and every time. Yep. But hey, I managed to do good by the end of my third year.

This year also marks the first time I took a holiday with my friends - something I've been trying to do for a very long time, but only got around to doing this year. Valentines weekend, I think it was, to gorgeous Prague. That was a pretty awesome weekend.

The final year of my degree I think was the most different experience I have had in all three years. It was the one that I think I started understanding what kind of person I was, what kind of friends I thought were "good friends", and more so just understanding various things about life - I know that sounds boring and possibly a bit clichéd almost, but it's true. Living alone was an amazing experience. I think I still have a hard time sometimes being amongst many in a house. I guess I've become so accustomed to "doing my own thing" and living the way I was used to. Not to say I am not happy right now, I guess University life was just a whole different experience. One that I will not over-talk about, due to the point I made earlier.

So the first half of 2010 I think was pretty hectic yet emotional, new and exciting - what with the most fabulous chapter in my life coming to an end (and hopefully many more awesome-times to come!), and also visiting my family in India after 8 long years. Especially since it was the final time I saw my Grandad before his passing later in the year. It was also where I realised that although I am quite traditional in the way I think/do things (Okay don't seem so shocked!) at times, I can be a bit of a "gori" at others. It was in India I realised this, when I understood that my language skills were abysmal, and the way I think at times can be a little different to the rest of my family (in the UK and elsewhere). No, I am not concerned about it, seeing as I am quite comfortable with who I am presently.

So following my very exciting trip to Dubai and India, I came back to attend my Graduation Ceremony - a day that was the most beautiful to date. It was sunny, firstly, and the rest just flowed through brilliantly. It was great, being amongst all the people I shared my life with the last few years.

It was after I came back to London full-time once my holiday to India/Dubai were over, that I spent time at home, getting familiar with everything and everyone again. It was an interesting time, as I started getting into the rhythm of things back in the house. I guess the next few months (and currently) were spent in just looking for jobs, narrowing down my possibilities and thoughts about what I really wanted to do. It's good to know that I finally have my mind set on what path I would like to take, career wise, before the year comes to an end. Let's hope now, that I get a job soon!

Oh and ofcourse, 2010 will stand as the year that I FINALLY started to go to the gym, followed a strict diet and made very healthy decisions about what I was doing to myself. Yes, I like that. 

Alas, here comes the end of another year. So many great moments, so many frustrating, annoying and low moments, some tragic and others just plain ridiculous. All in all, a good year. Let's hope 2011 is a better year, with more awesometimes.

And ofcourse, a year isn't complete without a perfect song. So here it is, listen to it. Oh and Listen to this as well

(Oh and here's hoping I write more in 2011!)

Swoon

The one, the only ladies and germs.. Channing Tatum!
Oh he's so dreamy. So delicious.

An empty screen

Goo Goo Dolls, back again. I don't feel that something special that I do with the rest of their songs, for this album yet -- perhaps it will change. For now, this one is kind of growing on me.

Listen to it here.

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

Keane knew what they were singing about.

I'm at that awful lull right now -- the one where you think you're hoping you're making progress just by sitting around the house, but really you're not. Yep, the jobless/unemployed phase.

However, not all is dim -- as I've started to use the Gym more frequently, with a lot different classes to join, so you know that keeps me busy. Along with that, I'm taking an interest in perhaps writing my own book (stop laughing). Well okay, that's a bit of a lie - I haven't yet started to write the book, it's still at the formulating the ideas stage. Okay that's probably a bigger lie. I'm not even formulating ideas. It actually just came to me right now. I'm sure I could write a book, about all sorts. It would not be a very good book, considering I have a tendency to jump from one topic to another. Tsk

Anyway, I've also taken an interest in baking a lot. I've been making some very yummy goodies lately -- things like Mississippi Mud-Pie Cake, and biscuits. Although I'm on this new eating plan - a low Gi eating plan, it stops me from eating the said yummy goodies I make, so really I'm like one of those Saint-Bakers. You know, those who do good for others. Actually I don't know how much good Sugar, butter and more sugar can be to others, but you get the gist.

Oh who am I kidding. I am bored senseless out of my head staying inside the house everyday - apart from the two hours I spend at the Gym. The rest of the day really reads the same - come back, eat, watch something on TV, apply for my jobs, clear out the rejection emails and watch more tv, perhaps eat somewhere in between, play with the cat, pat the kids on the head, sleep and repeat 7-9 hours later. I know I'll miss this so called "lazing around" phase once I start working (please give me a job!). But then again, I don't think I will to an extent. Let me explain this contradiction better. When I was at uni, I never used to feel like just "lazing around" unless it was very cold outside, it was "one of those days" or if I was taken ill. There was always something I would find, to do and keep myself busy with. I became very accustomed to that type of lifestyle - the hardly sleeping, always out - type of routine. And although there was nothing absolutely amazing I'd do, it was just interesting and somewhat energetic doing something else apart from staring at some screen all day and having zero mind-activity going on. Suffice to say, this time at home, has significantly lowered my IQ - I have found out the true meaning of Trashy TV. It's addictive. I actually keep reminders for certain shows. This is not me at my best. Tut

I want to get a move on, already. I want to be busy, and have things to do. Had I been in this particular phase, say 3-4 years ago, I would have been fine with staying at home all the time. But there's a lot that has happened, and I have changed (I would hope for the better).. And now I'm just waiting. Almost like Waiting for Godot.

I have been discovering a lot of new music lately. I love this stage. I love the feeling of a new song, a new band and a new album. It's so thrilling. You want to be surprised, you want to feel something for the song and you want to have some type of emotion left behind afterwards. I love the sense of something new. Yes I do!

So in the interest of shutting me up, and signing off - listen to this song.

Something, Something.

Recently I've found out that people can be judgemental. We all are, even if we say we aren't. We'll judge the hijabi down the street if she's doing something she shouldn't be or wearing something she shouldn't be, without knowing her story. We'll judge the married couple sitting on the bus having an argument, making our own assumptions to who is really wrong.. When again, we don't know the story. I guess it's our nature, somewhere in our biological make-up that makes us think and "assume" things instantly when we see something. 

The saddest part is that when we tell people after they've told us something "secretive" about themselves that we don't judge them.. We just start this whole lying process. We then move on to passing a comment to someone somewhere about said persons "secret".. Thereby judging them by telling the person you are speaking to what you actually think. Pretty gross I think. If you're going to say or think something awful about a person what better place to do it than in front of them?

Having assumptions and being judgemental I think are the two most (along with hypocrisy and arrogance) awful human qualities out there. I mean, really, who cares what Tom, Dick or Harry are doing? If they're doing something potentially wrong, well let them.. I'm pretty sure if you look closely, you're probably not so perfect yourself.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that.. We should look at ourselves, our faults and the things we've done in our past first, before we preach, act or backbite about anyone else. We're all usually guilty of something or another.

-End of Rant-

Listen to this song. It's one of my most favourite, most greatest, most amazing and just a fantastic song. The lyrics are amazing too. Here it is - Be Safe by The Cribs.

Livin' on a Prayer.

So I did it. I finally graduated. Yep, did that thing I thought I'd never do, especially after the numerous panic attacks, nausea and sleepless months that went by. During the last few months as a university student, I actually believed I'd never even pass, let alone graduate. The workload was intense and crazy, though looking back now, I loved every moment. There was the bickering with friends about various tutors, and the marks they gave us.. There was arguments about what coursework questions meant and how to approach them. There were days when I needed important journal articles but none of the printers would work, wherever I went. In the end, I had over 5,000 papers of journal articles arranged messily in a huge pile. It actually saddened me when I had to recycle everything in the last week of uni. In a weird way it felt like a part of me was being cleared out. It all felt so official, from the packing to the last shower in my bathroom to the last cup of coffee I had at my favourite cafe on campus. It was literally, closing a chapter.

The last few days at University were certainly hectic, emotional, confusing, happy and exciting. We had parties, bbq's, and just random night outs that were spontaneous. Even though most of us were busy in packing and tying up loose ends - such as returning library books that were overdue by at least a year to giving back the enormous amounts of stuff which I had somehow gained possession over in the three years, which belonged to friends - we found the time to see one another even if for an hour. The last night in particular was emotional yet relieving. A part of me felt like these three years needed to come to an end for me to use the skills and independence I learnt living away. Though I guess when the last song of the evening is "time of my life" from Dirty Dancing, its hard to control the waterworks.
Looking back now, it actually hasn't been that long since university ended though somehow I feel like I've been away for years. Sometimes I childishly believe that I'm going to be going back after the summer ends, as I've been so used to those thoughts these past few years. It's been a yearly routine. I mean, up until the day I graduated, I thought there may have been a slight chance of failing, therefore returning for another year :D Obviously I'm glad I graduated.

My graduation ceremony was gorgeous, beautiful, perfect and the happiest day of my life. From the moment I put on my black gown and hat, to the moment we threw our hats in the air.. I had this amazing feeling in my stomach the whole entire day. I felt so special, and so proud of my achievements. I could not believe that I had actually managed to get this far. I can't describe the level of happiness I felt looking at my mum and family and seeing their smiles, and their proud postures as they saw me walk down with my certificate (even though it only said "congratulations" - real certificate to release in November) and stand there amongst all my classmates and tutors, being the Psychology class of 2010, at Royal Holloway. Bloody amazing.

Alas, comes the end of another chapter in my life.. This one probably is the most heaviest, funniest, happiest and greatest one thus far. I look forward to the next, and approach its different nature with open arms.

Here is a song to sum up the three beautiful years I spent at Royal Holloway. Oh, and a picture.

Good bye Royal Holloway! = *** D

Where to now?

So, here I am.. Degree finished, and 2 weeks left to enjoy university with all my friends, and tie up everything I've known for the last 3 years.

From a young age, we're always told that education is very important. You have to do very well just when you finish primary school to end up in secondary school. You have pressure during your GCSE's, when everyone tells you that "these are the most important exams you will have!".. You pass them, just barely for some, and then have 2 more years of "the most hardest exams you will ever have!" for A-levels. The two years pass by, and you realise that actually yes, it is tough and that those exams do mean a lot. They determine what university you go to, and what degree you do as well. The three (or four, depending on the degree) years you plunge into after your A-levels are the hardest, most intriguing, fantastic, exhilarating, exciting, sad, confusing and brilliant years. It is during these years you realise that, everything you've been working towards up until that point, has been to secure a place in university. Admissions look at your GCSE mathematics and english grades almost always, so really.. All that pressure and crazy studying sessions was for a good reason.

I remember when I was in secondary school, and the amount of excuses I'd create to skip school, or a particular class. From headaches, to nausea to the most common "Oh, I have nothing important today, so I can stay home and study more".. When actually, all I'd do is watch tv, hang about like a soggy tissue and get a few extra hours of sleep. At some point though, I stopped asking my mum if I could stay home. I'd just do it if I wanted to, and I'd do my work without being asked. It became an independent routine where I'd make my own decisions, knowing well if I missed classes, I'd be missing out on "important information".

In uni though, it sort of changed. I wouldn't say that I was "free" when I came here, only because I never had any restrictions when I stayed with mum, she never stopped me from doing anything (not that I ever did do anything remotely crazy, wild or rebellious). The only time I'd ask for permission was if I wanted to go on holiday, and that wasn't restricting either, as it was usually to Dubai. Once I moved away, I think I started opening up more, and realising that the world isn't actually such a bad place after all. Until that point, I was very sure that everything in this universe was against me. The whole "teen angst" thing was coming out, and thankfully it didn't last very long. I started doing things I liked more, and cooking and cleaning in ways that were suited to me. I went into lectures whenever I felt like, whether I was 10 - 45 minutes late, never mattered. It was all about learning to do everything by yourself.. From washing your dishes before the breadcrumbs started to grow feet and hands, to staying out late, to meeting crazy deadlines after a great night out till 7 in the morning. I have loved every single moment. Even the times when friends and I had arguments, or other problems.. Of course at the time it seemed like the worst thing, though now I look back on it, and I think it just made me more aware of my surroundings, and people in it. Which is always useful.

So now, here it is. I've finished my degree. Over 30 pieces of coursework and exams later, here I am wondering what to do next. Though I'm not worried for the moment of what my future holds.. I'm sure at some point I will find something that will make me feel less useless than I do now. At the moment, I think I am overwhelmed with all these emotions I feel about uni ending, leaving a place that became home to me.. And most of all the friends I made. Although I guess every person goes through this. I just didn't think it would hit me so quickly, and I didn't think it would make everything all the more bittersweet.

Two weeks left, and I think it's going to be pretty awesome.

Here's a song that has been playing in the background for a few days.

One Week.

The last time I posted on my blog, I was just a week into my second term for my final year at University.. Now, I write, a week away from being completely done with lectures, essays, reports, statistics and of course, my final year project (hopefully!).

Although I am completely exhausted - mentally and physically, from all the studying, research and writing - I know I'm going to miss it terribly. I'm already mentally noting things like "my last lecture with ____" or "the last time I'm in this lecture hall!".. And I know that may seem very sad, and pathetic, but I can't help but wonder what I'll do without all of this I've become so accustomed to now. I'm so used to living alone, and having my own routine, my own way of life.. I've built it by myself. It is mine. I'm going to miss just calling up a friend to "sign me in" for lectures, if I wanted an hour extra nap.. or was rushing a deadline! Ah, it's been amazing!

Every person, event and emotion I've witnessed here have been great -- not necessarily at the time, but those things have moulded me into such a different person now.

I can't wait for the next bit now - I know it's going to be completely different and new. I know that the experiences I've had over the last three years - and the one's I will no doubt have until June of this year - will never return, and they will be cherished greatly.

I'm just 7 days away from finishing my education! This is weird. I've only ever known what it was like to study, and worry about studying. It's been one of the most constant things in my life. But I'm glad I've come this far.. Wait, I'll save the rest of that sentence for after graduation (hopefully!)

Alas, a very tired, drained out, and emotionally confused me is signing off to take in the final week of University.

{NOTE: I refer to it as the "final week" because after this it's just exams, and nothing else.}

We're fated to pretend

There comes a time in everyone's existence where they are caught in a web of decision-making. Some call this being a "graduate" or at least on the path to becoming one. Others may call it a phase of being in denial. If I were to pick where I stood, I think I'd say right.. Right in the middle.

I am lost, confused yet excited to embark upon the new chapters in my life very soon. I have about 5 months left of university and I am starting to feel all sorts of emotions; sadness, detachment, excitement, nervous, scared, anticipation and happiness. I feel sad knowing that the last three years of my life at university are shortly going to come to an end. I can see why, everyone I've known always emphasises how quickly this time in our lives passes us by. I look back on three years and I see so much change, growth and memories. I look forward to the coming months, and making the most of what I have left here before the chapter closes.

I think the next few months will decide many things for my future.. Something I haven't actually established yet. Should I apply for Masters? If so, what should I acquire one in? Should I start working immediately? If so, what would I be good at? HR, Teaching, Government-related jobs and perhaps even Marketing? Advertising? Research? The list is never-ending and extremely gruelling to get your mind around as well. Sigh.

There are so many questions. There are so many possibilities, but out of that what will be my fate? Will I end up at an office-desk job kind of place? Will I be travelling? Will I be sitting and answering calls and doing admin work? Will I decide that the best thing to do is do nothing at all and take a year to decide? Ahhhhhh!! It's crazy. It's a good crazy, that I know I will miss once I have something in hand, or even a few years from now. We can't all stay 21 forever, and live at university and have insane routines.. Although that would be pretty amazing!

I think we all say, before we graduate that we wouldn't want to end up as one of those people who settle for anything, even if that means a 9-5 office based mundane job. But obviously, many end up in that position for the first job they have.. Or maybe I just think that way. I know for sure I don't want to end up doing that.. But I also know that getting a good job in this era of recession and so forth, is probably going to be extremely tough. At the same time, I don't want to become a city-zombie.. You know the ones who walk in rushed herds across the train station to catch their 5.05 train straight to another one, and another one.. Until they reach home to continue being a zombie, all through the evening.. I don't want to be part of that box.

Lately, I've been having many moments of being shocked and surprised. I notice how many people I've known since I was very young, have gotten married, others have had babies, others are having their first.. And some are engaged. Although nothing but happiness and good words come out of my mouth for them, I can't help but think.. People are speeding up their lives.. Way too fast. All that will eventually come, but what about the middle bit? I dunno what that middle bit contains, but I know there is a middle bit somewhere! Don't get me wrong, I'm not being incredibly "modern" with my thoughts and saying that people should never settle down or should have a very career-oriented life, but there needs to be something before this, and after university. Even if for a year. Maybe that time should be spent travelling, or learning a new language, or spending time with people less fortunate, perhaps even working in another country for a few months.. I don't know. There needs to be a time where you learn to be independent enough that you know you can survive by yourself.. Not however, to the point where you can't adjust to another person in your life.

This all stems from the decisions you make after you have graduated, I think. Perhaps some think it's enough that they have a degree and that's all they'll ever need.. Some may even believe that they need at least 5 years of experience before even thinking of a potential marriage partner entering their lives.. My point being, the next step.. Is going to shape a lot of what I will want to do and a lot of what I will end up doing.. If that makes any sense. No, I don't mean that if I start working in retail I'll stay there forever, I'm saying that decisions made after university could shape the rest of your existence.. At least a large chunk of it. Until you hit mid-life crisis that is.

I just think the world is a strange place to be honest.. How many people out there are really doing what they love, or what they are talented in doing? You see these movies and hear songs about people doing all the wrong things first only because they settled too early, for whatever reason, and then many years later, they decide to put their foot down and do what they know they have a passion for. Perhaps my thoughts are too idealised. I just don't want to be one of those that say "I pretended for most of my life".

Listen to this song, it's been one of my favourites for a few months now.