Here ends and starts another year since my dad passed away. It's been a ritual of mine to write something every year on this day.
This past year has been the first year where I've spoken less about my dad. This did not mean that I thought of him less - not at all - I just felt that I had talked about him enough, and now it was time for me to move on thinking about him in solace, as a happier memory of mine.
I've begun understanding the kind of person he was, and the idea I had of him 7 years ago has dramatically changed this past year. I think I've learnt as much as I could about him and I'm so glad to have done so, but I'm also glad to have left the rest a mystery - because you can never truly know a person completely. And with that thought of mine, I put my inquisitiveness to rest until further notice.
I've come to a point now, that the only way I want to think of my dad is with my own memories and the things I've learnt about him through these past several years. I don't like listening to people talk about him - be it my family, or his friends. I just feel strange now. I feel that we've talked enough, and heard enough. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sick of it or anything, I just feel that there comes a point where something like this, becomes a part of your life.. And talking about it over and over, just doesn't change anything - doesn't make the pain easier, or the memories sharper. It just remains a fact of life, and a part of your everyday being.
After all of that, I want to just share a memory.. One of my most vivid ones about my dad.
I remember this one time when we went on a family trip to Hatta - just outside Dubai. I must have been around 7 years old. We all sat down near a waterfall which extended into a small lake/pond where we all went swimming for a while. After that we were walking back to the cars and my dad took my hand and walked with me where we walked further on than everyone else and far ahead as well. I remember just looking up at him, because I was still pretty short and I was thinking to myself what a big man he was. He had a pipe in his mouth, and his hands were very big. My whole hand would wrap around perfectly around one of his fingers. It was like he was this astounding and amazing man that I could only wonder things about. He was a mystery to me, even at such a young age. I just remember that because I felt so secure, safe and special being the only one with him. He wasn't even saying anything to me, I think he was in deep thought about something but I didn't mind at all.
And although there are still things about him I have no idea about, I think it's beautiful to leave it at that - to protect and seal the identity he had, which made him the most fascinating man to me.
Here comes the end of another year walked, and experienced without him. And I always wonder what he would think if he had been here - about me, my life and about how I was living it. Alas, his memories will always stay stagnated in this place for life, and we will move and grow with them.
And in loving memory, he used to sing.. " I hear babies crying, I watch them grow.. They'll learn much more than I'll never know And I think to myself.. What a wonderful world."
And that is how I want to remember him, with those words..
On my first birthday..
Here come's the end of another year. My second year at University. And what have I learnt? Oh so much.
You know, whenever you look back on a year, it just seemed impossible for so much to happen in such a short span of time (btw, let's be clear, the year I refer to is from September 2008 - Current date). I mean, surely so many events to take place, you need at least 12-15 months. But this time, I don't even think it's been possible to digest the enormity of situations. At the time it was just comprehending what was happening and flying past "Go" to deal with it all in a few short days.
I've learnt a lot this year. Such as, giving yourself time and getting to know yourself is a very important thing I seemed to have misjudged before. I actually missed just sitting around and doing nothing, or maybe catching up on sleep these past few months. I learnt that taking care of yourself is so very necessary, health wise, mentally and physically. It's amazing what starts to happen when you begin to neglect yourself.
There was a great sense of loss this year, but also so many other things to gain. It may sound cheesy, but I've become a very different person to who I was a year ago. I'm so much more self-assured, and stable. It feels like now, I have somewhat a sense of direction of my future - maybe not crystal clear, but an outline if you will. I'm still not racing to get to places or anything, I'm taking it a day at a time - living in whatever I have for the day and making no plans whatsoever.
This year has been exciting, and difficult. Living with my friends was amazing, because we became a family and began understanding each other on different levels to before. We knew when the other needed space and stayed away, we knew when certain conversation topics were out of the boundaries so they were not touched at all. It became my life, and I loved it, however unstable it got sometimes it was the most amazing experience ever, and it feels really upsetting that it had to come to an end after a year.
Something else that was learnt this year was that things are very uncertain. Although I've known that for years, it was put into practice this year. Tickets were booked for holidays that were never taken, plans were made that never went into action, people left when there was nothing wrong.. Such things made me realise that uncertainty is actually pretty exciting in a very unusual way. At times though, it became hard to think far ahead - and by that I mean further than the day we were in. It was always a "let's see how it goes" situation in the house. And I got very accustomed to that, which I am very happy about.
The family atmosphere that was created was amazing. There were always so many people over at our house, that it felt like we were all good hostesses and very welcoming. It felt good to know that so many people felt cozy in our house. I loved it. Sometimes I did feel a little clobbered and just felt that I needed my own space with just us 4. But I guess all of that comes with the territory.
I feel like I've grown up so much, and I would never go back and change anything at all - despite the tears, fights, awkwardness and other such negative emotions felt over the course of the year with each other and within our personal lives.
Got one more year to go, and things feel different already. I wonder what's in store next year. Hmm.
On my first birthday..