It's been too long!
To be honest, I don't recognise myself in the mirror any more - because that's how busy I have been. Rarely do I find myself doing nothing, an activity I miss oh so much! Having said that, it's been quite liberating, motivating and often times extremely stressful having so much work to do. I guess these are the joys of a final year at university!
So.. I finally took some time out to list a few things that have been making me very happy.
1. The "return by date" labels in the front of library books, that have stamps dating back to the 1950's!
2. The smell of old books. Mmmm!
3. Getting drenched in the rain and coming back to a warm heated room.
4. Eating dinner with friends every night.
5. Muller rice.
6. Coffee (Although to be fair this should be at the top of the list, but i'm writing as it comes).
7. Yoghurt.
8. Highlighter pens
9. Kettles.
10. Cherry tomatoes.
Perhaps not an exhilerating list - but things that have been used and used again this past term that I have grown to love and appreciate! Yes, that does include highlighter pens too. Tsk. It's an intense life.
Oh, and another one - Black and white photography. I fell in love with this picture a few weeks back. Suffice to say, I did almost bawl with how sweet it was. Hey man, don't judge! It's an emotional time. Cough.
Cheesyness. Don't you just loathe it?
I have to admit, for the better part of my existence I was very much taken by the whole "cheese" factor about love, life and everything in between. I watched movies that had happy endings, and sad quotes that used to make me make me feel all sappy. I used to love reading love stories and feeling all "sigh-ish" after and turn to my dream world. It was fluffy. It was needed, sure.. As it was my only escape at the time.
But now, when I look back to all of that cheese, all of those moments with people I had, it just seems so pathetic. It seems silly and extremely cringe-worthy to be honest. I still enjoy "GOOD" romantic movies that have a brilliant storyline, and enjoy listening to some 80's cheese. That said, my views on love, romanticism and relationships have changed completely.
I used to think that "love" was all about romance. I was dreamy with my thoughts no doubt, but could you blame me? I don't think so. The media provided me with only good things about love. That "falling in love" is amazing, it's beautiful and so forth. Whatever was written about love was always so flowery and so happy, that it made me so sure that it was something if I found, would be just like that. Ofcourse, as time passed, I grew older, and realised that well - the media is pretty rubbish.
I'm no expert and nowhere close to knowing anything about love and relationships. But I know that the way people use this word, so loosely has lost the meaning behind it. In a day, we can say "I love you" to 10 different people and possibly mean it on different levels. But is that really "love" or is it just deep affection or like? Why call it love, when you can call it something else. It's such an overused, and overestimated word now - that once used, brings chaos, uncertainty and obligation. All things which to my knowledge, "love" is not.
I have experienced many-a-times when this word was used. I've seen it used to a person who in a weeks time, was saying it to someone else, followed by another a week after. That's not just with people whom we oh so lovingly call "players" but also with my own friends whom I love dearly.
It's so easily said that you "love" someone, but so hard in maintaining it. So in a sense, it is an obligation - one that not many can keep going, and many others fail at. But when do you know that it is "love" to stay? What if you say it to the wrong person, or you say it because you're scared this person may get away? There are a variety of scenarios, and I think the answer to all of that is - just don't say it at all.
I think the word has been tainted and abused.. To the point where now it has become difficult to identify what "true love" is. Another phrase I do not like.
The other thing about it, is that.. How quickly people want to fall in love. Over the past couple of years, I have noticed how some people can only identify themselves accurately if they are with a significant other. I have also witnessed people "falling in love" at a ridiculously young age. I don't understand the hurry, or the need. There is so much more to existing than finding another person to give you immense amounts of un-needed distraction, especially if they are just a passing phase in your life. I'm happy for those who find that person, and manage to keep them and then spend their lives with them.. But for those who are still so young (myself included) - why the hurry?
On the other hand, you can find a person compatible to you, and someone whom you can share great understanding and passion with on levels unimaginable to others close to you, and stay sane and happy. Although I dunno if I'd ever personally use the word "love". It does not cover the extreme emotions you feel, or the things you would do for that person, or anything really. It's just a very very empty word, that does not even begin to cover what you experience. Plus, everyone knows and understands it in tremendously different ways. For example, one may find "love" to be all about sacrifice and understanding, another may find it to be something fun and exciting and non-serious. How can you, then have a universal definition for it?
The thing about "love" is the way people say it. The words "I love you" don't actually specify anything. Do you mean you love their personality? The way they cook? The way they look? Surely you cannot love every single thing about another person as we all have flaws, so the "you" at the end isn't concise enough. Because there will always be those annoying habits of the other that will drive you up the wall. Does that mean you "love" them the same every time they do/say those annoying things? And the fact that the "you" also defines the "love" you have for someone else, it suggests that there is no one else in the world that you feel the same way for. Which by the way is also not true. You can easily have similar feelings for many people in the world - perhaps not to the same extent. But, it's possible. It also comes across as a very altruistic feeling right? That may be true to a a point, but really - how many fights do you have with the person you're "in love" with that start with "you never consider My.."? Where's the "me" in the "I love you"? It's all about the other person, and the selfish part of you, will want yourself to be known at some point in your "love" life. It's very vague.. These words.
Don't get me wrong, I am not against it.. I just think that if you care so deeply and have such affection for another person, there are many other ways through which you can communicate it. Towards the end of the day, words can be empty and just be said with a "hmph" added to the end of it. Because once you say those three horribly clichéd words, you'll have to say it over and over and over again. No matter what else you may try and do.
Alas, here ends my rant.
Love,
Sanaa.
It's the blank page that gets me.. Every time. Throughout the day I have so much to write, so much to share with the world (Or the "1" follower of my blog I have), yet as soon as it signs me into my empty post box page, I get a shock and forget all my once great thoughts. Also they stop looking so profound once I even begin writing. I must get back into this, if I am to be an intelligent journalist, or a great writer (See JK Rowling).
This leads on to me discussing how positively useless I've been feeling in the last couple of weeks. Since the summer as we know it has ended - I have been confined to my comfortable light yellow walls with splashes of white out of nowhere.. And my bed, oh my most favourite bed in the whole wide world. We have become acquaintances again. Actually, more like lost lovers who have been joined together again. Considering my time spent at uni has seen me become almost a zombie with my sleeping (or lack thereof) patterns, I think I am more than making up for it at the moment. Sleeping is pretty cool. But then there's over-sleeping, which to be fair, I don't like. I can only sleep a certain number of hours before I feel physically grossed out with myself. And that magic number my friends is, over 6 hours. Yep, ya heard me!
Anyway, as I was saying.. I've been particularly useless, which has lead me to ponder and speculate my future plans. And I have to say, they are not looking very promising *looks at pen-faded plans on the hand*.. I think it says "job?" although it very well could be the menu from last night for corn on the "cob".. Many possibilities really. So yes. The future. Now to be honest, since I've been at university, I've not actually consciously thought about what I will do once I have a BSc Psychology degree at hand. It was mostly a far-fetched idea at the time to get through the first few lectures after freshers week.. Now that I am nearing the start to my 3rd year and an end to the said degree, I am getting slightly anxious about the lack of direction I currently have.
I thought about working with the MI5.. But considering I just put it out there right now, there goes any prospects of them taking me on at all.. Especially after they do a background check on me and see this blog and see me talk about it now. And how I just cannot stop talking about it right now either. They probably wont trust me as an agent.. But then again I'd make a fantastic one, because I'm always so suspicious and paranoid about things and people that I would be great at catching all the dodgy people - even if they haven't done anything. Because I'm like that. I do things like that. Now that I think about it I doubt they'd ever give me a job there because well.. Lets face it, I'd be the female version of Johnny English. And that my fellow readers, ain't a pretty sight!
Then I thought about working in Prisons.. And considering I love Prison break - and clearly, the real world is obviously much like the show. And therefore I would be working with (and possibly falling in love with..) someone like Michael Scofield (the dude (however fictional) has his own WIKI page ok!). Yes, that's correct. Okay, honestly speaking I've been considering this for a while. I'm pretty intrigued with criminals, what they're like and why they do the things they do. It's just fascinating, scary and enthralling all at the same time. But then again, do I want to become a criminal psychologist where I work with people who play games with my mind.. It's not enough that I play games with my own mind already! I think I can do without the added craziness really.
I then thought of another great idea.. In the form of journalism. I don't know whether that means news, magazines, books, or what really. Just writing of some sort. But then I thought, what if I can't come up with new things to write all the time. I mean look at this blog, it's not written work I am proud of, because it doesn't actually portray how famously words and I get along. But I think, maybe writing could just be left as a leisure of mine. Something I can do when I have the ideas and the time. Plus I wouldn't want to be stuck writing about things like - how horses hairs are used to remove warts in rural India.. Although interesting and useful, if you are a fan of wart-hunting and cutting. I don't want to write for a long period of time about things that I don't particularly care about, because by the time I do reach a place to where I can write about anything I would like, I would have become pretty damn bored and passionless about writing as a whole.
Finally I thought about advertising. And I thought, hey.. I can come up with cool slogans for things that you don't really want to buy just because it sounds cool. Because I am one of those people who will buy such things (well at least speculate for months and stare at it before buying it.. but still). And you know I can be witty, and humorous and intelligent all at the same time.. But then what about those really unintelligent days I have, quite often might I add? Also, my obsession with animals may not work so well here.. Cause I would want to add cats to advertise everything.. Be it a new settee or a shoe.. "Because the best places in the house are taken by the cat". Wow, that is actually cool, but it wouldn't work with a shoe.. Or would it? Hmm. I like this career idea. :D
As you all can tell by now - I will find all kinds of excuses to make it seem like it's not right for me - in any kind of circumstance. Only because I don't want to admit a lot of the times that I can be very indecisive and therefore not make decisions until I read reviews about it.. Now.. If only they had reviews about what kinds of jobs are good these days.. HMM! I think I may just have a new job idea.. Meet me back here soon to see if it has worked. *cough*
All I know is that.. I want to do something that is.. "legend- wait for it.. And I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is DAIRY!"
Barny always knew what he was talking about.
Cookie rolled up in wet bedsheets.
I've been in the UK now 4 years. In the 4 years I was never truly in love with the city I hopelessly called home. I didn't know at the time if I'd ever actually get used to living here. It was more of a compromise for myself so that I could get a brilliant education. This year however.. Things changed.
Every summer I've planned on doing something new and different, so that my summer doesn't waste away. For the first time in years I enjoyed myself and the time spent in London. Although there were no over-the-top fantastic events or anything, it was just so enjoyable. I explored parts of London that I had never been to before.. Edgware road and Paddington became favourite places for sheesha and shawarma's! Just being around my cousins and my friends randomly felt really good. I loved it. Along with that, I did various detoxes to my body which felt brilliant too.
I can now say, that I'm in love with London. It's a great place to be when you're young and free and have nothing to hold you back. I'm looking forward to my last year at university now, so that I can spend more time exploring London with my friends as well.
I'm excited for the year ahead. The year where everything else becomes less important and the degree/studying aspect of it all comes to the top of the list. I'm enthralled, scared and getting ready for exhaustion but I feel great.
So here's a very short update ending now, I hope to write more this year.. Though do I ever really stick to plans?
Here ends and starts another year since my dad passed away. It's been a ritual of mine to write something every year on this day.
This past year has been the first year where I've spoken less about my dad. This did not mean that I thought of him less - not at all - I just felt that I had talked about him enough, and now it was time for me to move on thinking about him in solace, as a happier memory of mine.
I've begun understanding the kind of person he was, and the idea I had of him 7 years ago has dramatically changed this past year. I think I've learnt as much as I could about him and I'm so glad to have done so, but I'm also glad to have left the rest a mystery - because you can never truly know a person completely. And with that thought of mine, I put my inquisitiveness to rest until further notice.
I've come to a point now, that the only way I want to think of my dad is with my own memories and the things I've learnt about him through these past several years. I don't like listening to people talk about him - be it my family, or his friends. I just feel strange now. I feel that we've talked enough, and heard enough. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sick of it or anything, I just feel that there comes a point where something like this, becomes a part of your life.. And talking about it over and over, just doesn't change anything - doesn't make the pain easier, or the memories sharper. It just remains a fact of life, and a part of your everyday being.
After all of that, I want to just share a memory.. One of my most vivid ones about my dad.
I remember this one time when we went on a family trip to Hatta - just outside Dubai. I must have been around 7 years old. We all sat down near a waterfall which extended into a small lake/pond where we all went swimming for a while. After that we were walking back to the cars and my dad took my hand and walked with me where we walked further on than everyone else and far ahead as well. I remember just looking up at him, because I was still pretty short and I was thinking to myself what a big man he was. He had a pipe in his mouth, and his hands were very big. My whole hand would wrap around perfectly around one of his fingers. It was like he was this astounding and amazing man that I could only wonder things about. He was a mystery to me, even at such a young age. I just remember that because I felt so secure, safe and special being the only one with him. He wasn't even saying anything to me, I think he was in deep thought about something but I didn't mind at all.
And although there are still things about him I have no idea about, I think it's beautiful to leave it at that - to protect and seal the identity he had, which made him the most fascinating man to me.
Here comes the end of another year walked, and experienced without him. And I always wonder what he would think if he had been here - about me, my life and about how I was living it. Alas, his memories will always stay stagnated in this place for life, and we will move and grow with them.
And in loving memory, he used to sing.. " I hear babies crying, I watch them grow.. They'll learn much more than I'll never know And I think to myself.. What a wonderful world."
And that is how I want to remember him, with those words..
On my first birthday..
Here come's the end of another year. My second year at University. And what have I learnt? Oh so much.
You know, whenever you look back on a year, it just seemed impossible for so much to happen in such a short span of time (btw, let's be clear, the year I refer to is from September 2008 - Current date). I mean, surely so many events to take place, you need at least 12-15 months. But this time, I don't even think it's been possible to digest the enormity of situations. At the time it was just comprehending what was happening and flying past "Go" to deal with it all in a few short days.
I've learnt a lot this year. Such as, giving yourself time and getting to know yourself is a very important thing I seemed to have misjudged before. I actually missed just sitting around and doing nothing, or maybe catching up on sleep these past few months. I learnt that taking care of yourself is so very necessary, health wise, mentally and physically. It's amazing what starts to happen when you begin to neglect yourself.
There was a great sense of loss this year, but also so many other things to gain. It may sound cheesy, but I've become a very different person to who I was a year ago. I'm so much more self-assured, and stable. It feels like now, I have somewhat a sense of direction of my future - maybe not crystal clear, but an outline if you will. I'm still not racing to get to places or anything, I'm taking it a day at a time - living in whatever I have for the day and making no plans whatsoever.
This year has been exciting, and difficult. Living with my friends was amazing, because we became a family and began understanding each other on different levels to before. We knew when the other needed space and stayed away, we knew when certain conversation topics were out of the boundaries so they were not touched at all. It became my life, and I loved it, however unstable it got sometimes it was the most amazing experience ever, and it feels really upsetting that it had to come to an end after a year.
Something else that was learnt this year was that things are very uncertain. Although I've known that for years, it was put into practice this year. Tickets were booked for holidays that were never taken, plans were made that never went into action, people left when there was nothing wrong.. Such things made me realise that uncertainty is actually pretty exciting in a very unusual way. At times though, it became hard to think far ahead - and by that I mean further than the day we were in. It was always a "let's see how it goes" situation in the house. And I got very accustomed to that, which I am very happy about.
The family atmosphere that was created was amazing. There were always so many people over at our house, that it felt like we were all good hostesses and very welcoming. It felt good to know that so many people felt cozy in our house. I loved it. Sometimes I did feel a little clobbered and just felt that I needed my own space with just us 4. But I guess all of that comes with the territory.
I feel like I've grown up so much, and I would never go back and change anything at all - despite the tears, fights, awkwardness and other such negative emotions felt over the course of the year with each other and within our personal lives.
Got one more year to go, and things feel different already. I wonder what's in store next year. Hmm.
Ever since I can remember, I've always wanted to live my life through experiences. In all shapes and forms. I wanted to do all those things I felt were good for me, and obviously the bad things came along as part of the package of being alive.
I've always thought that so many people nowadays have become robotic, settling for their mundane and repetitive lives. Sometimes I know, you can't help but just settle and keep going with whatever you have, due to circumstances. But what about the others who have the choice to stop and wait a while to catch their breath and appreciate whatever it is life has bought to them.
It's been an ongoing process of different kinds of realisation this past term at uni. Although I am nearing the start of a new term after such a long Easter break, I look forward to many different things, including the bad and ugly, which undoubtedly I will face.
I've come to know one main thing over the past few months. That is, no one knows what the future holds for them or others. It's not as easy as looking inside one of those crystal balls and foreseeing the prince on a horse, and a castle with a wizard who'll help you through life. It's very mysterious, unknown and ever-changing. You can sit and postulate plans and go on and fill up your diary with events, but until you are in that day, that moment, doing that thing, you can never say for sure that, that will happen. It's one of the most amazing yet most annoying things about life. Sometimes though, I wish I knew what was going to happen.. Cause you can't always be prepared, right?
I know it's hard to be optimistic all the time. People think there's something wrong with you when you're always positive and chirpy, because well, that's abnormal behaviour for humans these days. For them, a grumpy look, a pessimistic lifestyle and grumbles will suffice for everyday living. I however, want more.
There's too much in this world to leave unnoticed, and too much to not witness and go through. There's the reality of losing loved ones, there's the bittersweet pain of heart-break, there's the thrill of the unknown future, the laughter with friends about things that can't be forgotten, and of course, the loneliness of absolute solace.
I know it's upsetting when certain bad things happen. It feels like you want to crawl away and silently disappear. And people who keep telling you "there's something to be learnt here, you'll see", you just feel like slapping and gauging their eyes out. But after a while, maybe even a very long while, you begin to see that there is actually something good about what happened. Maybe it helped you grow into a more sensitive person, maybe it made you realise never to trust so naively again. Perhaps it was a bigger more happier thing, like getting rid of something that always held you down. There are many ways anything that happens to us, can be seen in a more positive way. It's not always possible, I admit. But the times that it is, it makes living so much easier.
I guess I've been trying to put these thoughts of mine into action because I've become so sick and tired of moping around, of getting affected by the slightest wrong in my life, of not appreciating what I have when I do.. and most of all, forgetting how to be happy and content. That too at such a young age. This isn't what it's meant to be like. I see so many young teenagers everywhere who try to act like their 30, have witnessed everything in life and think the worst thing they've been through is losing a "boyfriend" of 2 days. There's always going to be time for all of that. Why not just live everyday as it comes, and enjoy whatever it brings. Sigh.
I may sound completely off my head to most of you out there, but I don't want to miss out on living. I don't want to get on the trains every morning, for a long boring commute and work at the computer like a robot, come home, cook and sleep. I want to do things that I would find fun and exciting. I know not everyday can be like that, but surely at least once a week it's possible to feel that way. Or have we just evolved into a race that's just completely hopeless now?
Well that's all from me. It's been a while, and I missed writing.
There's more philosophical and at times nonsensical talks to come this way, more often.
I want you to get swept away out there. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dirvish...Yeah be deliriously happy or at least leave yourself open to be. I know it's a cornball thing, but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head and you listen to your heart. The truth is, there's no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.
- Meet Joe Black
Okay maybe I've not been as constant with my updates as I hoped way back in October of last year. Tsk. But hey, it only shows how busy my life is. Hahahah. Oh my, I couldn't even say that with a straight face.. Er fingers.
Life has been complicated, strange, interesting and adventurous to say the least. The new year bought no change, no nothing at all. I guess constancy is good, not great.
I went to Dubai, which was awesome, over christmas. Although my holiday went by way faster than I had hoped, it was still extremely cherished. Not to say though, my feelings about the place hasn't altered much. I still feel it's overly industrialised and extremely congested for no reason. Yes, it's a gorgeous city, filled with life and all of that jazz, but sometimes a bit too jazzy is not exactly brilliant.
Back to uni, for my second term has been quite interesting. I've fallen ill several times since the start of January, so I've not had much of a chance to stop and think about things. Scratch that, I've had way too much time to stress myself, therefore fall ill over and over. Sigh, must stop my brain from working so hard. You know, whenever it does, that is.
Egham is still the heart of the world.. Er, yeah. You know you've become a townie when it takes all of 20 minutes to get to anywhere in the whole town. Tsk. I love it though. Sometimes I prefer the quite and stillness, as opposed to the hustle and bustle of London. Or you know, stabbings. Whatever you want to call it really.
Over the past few weeks, I've been forced to think about this little thing that could be important, called "future". Yep, that old thing. We've had talks at uni about our final year projects, and jobs and all of that great stuff. Not to mention a big fat bill from the Loans company telling me how many thousands I am already in debt with. It's honestly great fun. It's like a party killer. Ah the joys of student living!
Other than all this nonsensical decision making blab, I've noticed how much I've turned away from the media. Which is pretty strange.. Considering I used to be one of the bigger movie/tv followers ever. I'm now, at least one series behind all the shows I love, and about a thousand movies away from the new ones. Must .. Catch.. Up. Or ketchup. Haha, oh I kill myself.
I've been cooking a lot more, which is good and bad, depending on how you see it. I've been making all kinds of concoctions of supposedly "indian" food. By that, I mean only adding turmeric and chilli powder.. And ofcourse all those millions of spices my mother has bestowed upon me. But hey, my friends are not nearly indian enough to notice, so it's okay! =D I just give it some funky name in a hardcore indian accent, and it sounds like it's a recipe that has come down from my great, great, great aunt, removed 4 times. So it's all okay.
Looking for jobs is hard. Obviously the whole world at this point agrees with that sentence. With the unemployment rate gone up so high, I think I am right to say that I am almost a part of one of the 2million people suffering. Next thing I know, I'll be selling one of my 60-90 pairs of shoes. Bad times.
However, this recession does not stop me from reaching my goals. For example, I am currently planning a trip to Pisa.. Which is taking place approximately a week from today. Technically, it's a holiday where I have to sit and think about my next move in life.. So therefore, it's not really a holiday. Damnit, I just can't make it look bad enough.. But seriously, sometimes you have to go to another country to realise how poor you really are! I swear!
I've also realised how important it is to have time for yourself. Yes, I love being with my friends.. It's amazing, and I love them to bits and pieces and some more. But sometimes I just have to sit in my room and do absolutely nothing but stare at the chipping paint on the walls. However, party-animal-like that may seem, it's actually not so bad.
Music is a type of salvation I've realised. Though I don't physically say that I can "relate" to a particular song, there are different things they attach themselves to. It's strange. But somewhat comforting.
Ah, now the plumbing men knock at my door.. It seems that they have to forcefully take the gunk that is stuck in our gutters, out. This is so exciting, I may need to hold on for the thrilling ride. Woo hoo.
