For the past 3 years that I have had this blog, I've always written something on this day. 26th of June. It was the day my dad passed on, and today marks the sixth year.
Every year, I write about different memories I had with him, or what I remember of being a family with him.. Because after all, that is how we all still think of him. But today, I've been thinking - how would life be with him now? Would we have moved to London eventually? Would I be the way I am now - or would I be completely different? How would he have been with my nieces and nephew? And how would he have dealt with all his daughters growing older and seeing them evolve into the more adult part of their lives. For example, with me - university and working. And my sisters - becoming mothers and raising a family.. Heh, I wonder what he would've thought of the various big decisions I've made over the years as well.
I know for sure though, he would've invested in a really big holiday for him and my mum - where he could ride a Harley and my mum could wear a leather jacket.. (Tsk, don't ask.)
There are so many questions in my head, and at times I try really hard to think about how everything would've turned out, had that single minute had not taken place 6 years ago.
As the years go by, it actually gets harder to believe that we've all come so far along. It's shocking to see how we've dealt with our grief and how we've managed to become somewhat whole again (apart from that giant hole). I realise now, how strong each of us are - and how incredibly well we've done in rebuilding our lives since that unfortunate day. When I sit and look back and actually use my fingers to count how many years have gone by, it's actually unbelievable and slightly scary. It really can't have been that long.. But I guess it shows how much we still keep him alive.
I can't really imagine life with him now.. I don't think I've ever really been able to see it, even when I was younger, I couldn't see him in those plans or scenarios I had created for the future. It's weird, but oddly true.
Missing him never stops and questioning his sudden passing also never stops. There's always those low days when it feels like nothing is right and you just feel like you're caught up in too much mess. That's when I start to feel the lack of his presence the most - when I feel like I need some fatherly advice, or that I need a giant finger to hold on to lead me through some turbulence. Sometimes, I'm just a 10 year old, waiting to be embraced by those warm and reassuring arms, into safety.
So here's to you dad. You are and forever will be - the perfect man and angel of my life. Someone who I still talk to when I need help from releasing confusion or general sadness. Even though you're not here, and it's been 6 years since you've been gone - a part of me still childishly waits to hear you come through the door, with a bag of goodies and the smell of Dunhil Desire
Alas, ends the day that took everything. But brought us here.
1992, Dubai - When we first arrived in the UAE.
Having so much time on my hands, whilst on my summer holidays - I've officially employed myself as the ponderer, considering how no one else will employ me to actually work for money. Tsk.
If you know me well enough, or have on some occasion had an in-depth conversation with me - about anything really, you'll know that I think a lot and I wait a lot. I'd say those were my flaws - as well as my greater talents and something I would write on my CV under "Hobbies and Interests" or even "Future Plans" really! Obviously, that would only be taken seriously if I were to apply for a position of being a philosophers assistant - and by that I mean, sit next to him and philosophise about why exactly the world is round, how it rotates, why Pythagoras loved numbers so much and why exactly Newton decided to sit under that very apply tree and ruin all of our lives.. Well, at least the ones who got D's and F's in their GCSE Physics exams. And by that, I do not insinuate anything. Cough.
Don't get me wrong, I love thinking about mundane things as well as those very annoyingly unanswerable questions we all think of at some very obscure moments in our lives. For example - What's the meaning of life, what is love and of course, are the body and mind one and the same thing? And you basically drive yourself absolutely insane by the end of the circular arguments in your head, by which point you welcome insomnia into your lives. It's great, really.
Along with thinking, I happen to find myself waiting a lot. For what, you may wonder? Well that my fellow readers, even I have no clue about.
The other day, for example, I caught myself waiting on the middle of the stairs - wondering what was happening downstairs. Not being clever enough to just go inside and see for myself, I stood there waiting on the stairs like a right dunce. I waited for approximately 20 minutes, in that same spot, thinking to myself of all the options of what could be going on. I will keep these particular thoughts to myself, as they were possibly the most dim and most unnecessary thoughts anyone could have in the span of 20 minutes. But the point of this example is that, I wait a lot. It's an everyday thing really. Be it - waiting for a phone call, waiting for This Morning to start on ITV, waiting at the edge of a bed in a quiet room hoping for something exciting to happen or waiting for yet another plan to immerse into my head about something exceptionally great for my future (.. That last on a span of .2 seconds).. Or, waiting for the fly to land on my window so I can crush it with my finger and then feel remorse as I realise I squished its unborn eggs too.
I'm guessing you all get my point, loud and grossly clear. So I'll move on.
All of this got me thinking (see what I mean! It's a disease.), about how people are always waiting for something. Be it waiting for plane tickets to arrive or seeing a loved one after a long while. There are endless reasons to why people wait. But if you look closely, there's always something we're anticipating. That said, we're probably never fully satisfied with our present lives, as we're caught waiting for something or another to make us stop waiting - if that makes any sense at all! I mean, I know that right now, there are about 10 things I can think of that I'm anticipating - and that's just off the top of my head! Imagine if I made a list. Now that, would be hard labour.
Waiting is tedious and dangerous. It brings upon too many expectations in hope that, that something you are waiting for will either make everything better - and you'll be doomed if it doesn't. So it's kind of scary to settle all your anticipation on one thing. Unless of course you're waiting for the day you are stung by a jellyfish, in which case that is not really fun neither would it make anything better. And, waiting can also be exciting and tomfoolery (Snigger. Using a thesaurus is so absolutely entertaining - you can just stay amused at how you sound so unintelligent really.) - because come on, who wouldn't be excited to receive their new BMW or if you're me at the age of 8 - a new set of colouring pencils. Don't laugh, I lead a very colourful and.. Well, some may say schizophrenic childhood - but hey, not everyone's privileged enough to have "real" friends. Cough.
That brings me to the end of another long post - filled with, well - Thoughts. I am afterall, the next great thinker. Oh yes I am.
I'm off now, to waitfully think some more.. But before I go, here's a quote.. by, Dr. Something or another. Considering how he's a self-help author, It would probably be accurate to say that he's getting you all to look BEYOND yourselves. So as to let us know that THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE (How totally x-files of him!). I will have you all know btw, that I've completely taken his advice and now at my IA (Insane Anonymous) meetings I speak openly, without feeling ashamed of WHO I AM, damnit. So what if I counted my stickers all day long from the ages of 7 - 17. At least I had potential. That's right.. Er.
"Waiting is a trap. There will always be reasons to wait. The truth is, there are only two things in life, reasons and results. And reasons simply don't count."
.. You take his advice, and you're golden. Good to go, and all that jazz.
I think I'm going to write self-help books on reading self-help books. That should be interesting.
This, here - when I come up with new ideas, is my cue to leave.
About a week or so has passed since I've had to move out of my university halls. It's taken me this much time to recover from the lack of sleep, and fade into general boredom and pondering! Gosh, have I not missed that!
The last few days spent at Kingswood (the halls I stayed in) - were the best ever. Karaoke-ing was simply great - seeing all the people I've formed relationships with over the course of the year - singing, laughing and generally chit-chatting over the loud ear-blasting music, was brilliant. We sang the songs that we all knew best and that summed up our year. Cheesy, yes - but still very cool. Singing "living on a prayer" by bon jovi was the greatest ever - I think I lost my voice and my lungs collapsed after that! Tsk.
Other days were spent packing and frantically getting myself in order before the storage guys came along. I think that was a pretty emotional time - because whilst packing, I came across all this stuff and writing and all sorts of other bits and pieces that I've had from over the year, which just reinforced how much I have changed.
Taking down my posters of Wenty and The fray - and the cool Family Guy Quotes poster and all my pictures and little and weird things stuck on my board - were horrible. My room was completely empty and I hated it. It was always so full of - well, junk really.. But it was cool junk! It was! Seeing my bed spread out like it was when I first moved in - all white, with no bed sheets, and no rug on the floor or boots on the side, was just so strange. It felt bittersweet really. I think it sort of hit me a bit whilst on the train from there to London - I realised that we weren't going back to Kingswood, and if we were it wouldn't be "ours" anymore. But there was this feeling of looking forward to the coming weeks of moving into my house with my friends and the summer.
Whilst studying for my exams - me and my friends would sit along the grass, and create picnics. You know - cheese, lettuce, nuts and cous cous! With the usual bee's and wasps flying around, and me running around like an imbecile trying to find safety under a book. Tsk.
Sigh..
Thinking over my time spent there now - I've realised how much I've experienced, and how much I've changed. I love the new me and I love everything about my life.. You know, with a few alterations ;) haha. But nah, it's been a pretty awesome year.
Still though, looking into empty rooms is always very very strange. Heh.
*Tear rolls down her cheek, in s-l-o-w motion. So slow that it's not even moving.*
Cough.
Spending time with the family is always lovely. Spending time with insects however, is not.
A few nights ago, there I sat on the couch. Listening to passing conversations in the living room.. Minding my own business and watching UKTV Food (come on! It's the greatest channel ever!) whilst drinking water. A perfectly normal thing to do 1 am in the morning, right? It may seem normal.. But there was a little thing that wasn't. The ant.
I started eating rice at night, as I was hungry. A glass of water was in my hand whilst talking to my brother in law. A few minutes I see an ant crawl into my bowl of rice. Seeing it before it made it to the actual food, I flicked it. Where does it land? Right into my glass of water. Yep. What are the chances of that happening, I think to myself.. And just then I look back into my glass. And the ant has gone. Again, what are the chances of a drowning ant coming out and walking away? Pretty slim.. I'd say.
That's my story. Yes, a best seller I'd say. Obviously I'd make it more dramatic, so it can last for 100 pages.
Anyway! Moving on to other things:
I've realised that diaper-talk is the most boring thing on earth. I was at a dinner a few nights ago with the family.. And obviously my sisters, and a family friend were all talking about their babies. I think I saw my whole life flash by me in those few hours. I thought of things I've not thought of in a while. An example of the conversation, If I may..
Sister 1: Does your son sleep more than my daughter?
Family Friend: Well not really. He wakes up really in the morning.
Sister 2: I know, tell me about it. I'm awake by 6 and playing with them.
Sister 1: What nappies do you use?
Family Friend: We were going to try the natural one by Boots but I wasn't sure.
Sister 2: Oh my, don't use those. Those are terrible. She doesn't feel comfy in them.
Sister 1: Yeah, neither do mine.
Yep. It was the most tedious thing ever. Although the food was great. I've now realised that baby talk is all I have to hear for a few years! So now I need to be ready for a lot of general pondering about life and all that jazz for the next few years!! How exciting!
Other than the nappie talk.. I have to say my nieces and nephew are quite sweet.
My summer has begun. Well it began ages ago. But considering how hot it was today, I think it's safe to say that I think I felt like I was walking through Dubai during a normal day. Yes, THAT hot! Tsk.
So I was thinking about what I would do after I finished uni in two years time.. I got really really excited at the thought and then went to bed, due to the sheer exhaustion of thinking of my future. It was scary and funny. Although it's safe to say that I didn't get further than the sleep I had. So yes, no real conclusion there about the future yet! Which is awesome, in my opinion.
I'm off - to go and create yet another bank account (that's 4, people. Four. Who's cool now?!)
