Faith

It's quite an unfortunate thing, when one loses faith. Faith in themselves, their surroundings, going on to another day, and losing faith otherwise as well.

We always hope for things.. Always wish for something or another to work out, to take on the path we want it to take for our own happiness. Ofcourse, it's selfish. But at times, no matter how hard you hope for something, it just keeps walking by you, without stopping to take you on board. Now that, is just painful.

Through certain situations in my life.. I've always had faith that one day the pain I was put through, would come to use. Would mean something bigger than I felt it to be.. That I'd be faced with a brighter day, without any tears. There were, ofcourse, times when those days came along. The kind that make your soul feel so alive, so extremely unburdened and free. It gives you this incredible feeling of soaring through the clouds, and feeling this sense of absolute peace, love and serenity. Lord knows, I need to feel like that right now. It's been too long..

Through other moments of your life, you spend being there for people you love and care for. Be it in massive doses or even light doses.. You try and make a difference by being there for them, either to stop their tears, or to give them the strenght to face the difficult hours that lay ahead of them. Whatever it may be, you always try. I know I have.. It's just undescribably torturous when you begin to feel like you're the only one always there.. And yet, not having that person there for you, when you need them the most.. Other things, that needn't be dealt with at the time, become more of a priority, than the excruciating pain you feel inside.

Whether you're a believer or not, you seek for something better almost always. Whether you choose to do it by prayers, meditation or through a more personal way, it's upto you. You pray for all those things to somehow come and fix your broken self.. And somewhere along the line, you begin to believe that maybe this is your road to salvation. Maybe this is where all the pieces of your broken soul will come to heal.. But what happens instead? Those pieces are tormented some more, broken into smaller shreds that eventually begin to fade away, and then die. But yet somehow, you always come back to this very faith. You come back to it, hoping that maybe this time it'll somehow calm you down, and help you retrieve your old self. But what happens next? You're shredded once again.. To a point where, defining yourself becomes so difficult. And so unbelievably impossible.. And then you're just left standing, with pieces of your soul right infront of your eyes.. And all you can do is sit and wonder, where you went wrong.

You start doubting yourself, and how you could've stopped something from happening, or done it differently altogether. You start noticing where you went wrong, even though you really haven't.. You just try and find reasons for yourself, so that it seems justifyable enough to blame yourself.. Just so you can slowly start decomposing. But then, a day comes when you realise that, no.. You are bigger than all of this.. You are bigger than the pain that person put you through. You start realising that they are at fault, because their lives somehow got more full along the way, and you just become smaller, and smaller day by day.. to the point where you feel like a stranger in the crowd.

Over the past couple of months, I've heard people tell me that I've hurt them in some way or another.. Words like that, can not only kill you inside.. but also make you feel like the smallest creature on earth. You sit and trace back your steps.. You wonder, how it's even possible that something like that could've happened by you.. Because just a few days before, everything was alright. Everyone was okay.. But yet again, it's a test of faith. To see how much faith you have in yourself, your actions and words. To see how much faith you have in conquering such an obstacle.

As of lately I've become the result of what happens to something when it begins to decay - Faith, hope, love, trust, all those words.