Nineteen - A new year.

.. And she turned Nineteen.

A few days late on this post, I know.. I've just needed the time to organise what exactly I wanted to write. But then I realised, I never really pre-plan my posts, ever. After that thought went down the drain, I just sat here.. and started to do what I do best. Blab.

My birthday wasn't anything special. It was just another day, with extra phonecalls, text messages and Instant messages online. There was nothing significant about it either.. To me, it was a passing day. And, it was the first time I felt that way about my birthday.

In past years, I've usually had something to look forward to, and if not.. Someone always made it special in some way - surprise parties, surprise visits, etc. Birthdays haven't really been a big deal for me for a while.. But it never stopped me from getting a tad bit excited like a little child. It was completely the opposite this year.. I didn't even realise it was my birthday, until I came home to find an overwhelming number of birthday wishes. (Thank you, everyone..)

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't upset by it or any of that. It was pleasant for me to just celebrate it by myself in a way.. Celebrate the past year that has gone by, and all the hard, strenuous, bloody difficult and.. straining moments I've had. Along with all the absolutely gorgeous memories, some that were bitersweet and others that were just plain screamingly-amazingly-GREAT that I would give anything, to witness again.

Starting from last year May 4th, I honestly could never, ever have guessed all the things that happened to me. It was that time then, that brought a whole new phase on. A phase that started off so very brilliantly, and on such a sunny note. I carried that with me through the most amazing summer I've honestly, ever had. It felt like I was home for a while, and it was then that I thought I had found some sort of stability from within. The kinds of things I experienced, could never be told by plain words. I found this.. kind of love, I never thought could be possible to witness.

After I returned back to London, things more or less started to go downhill from there. One after the other, I felt I was being bombarded by disturbing events. I almost lost myself in the mess I created for myself, and honestly had dug the deepest hole, which kept growing deeper and darker till just a month ago. It was a nasty place to be in, but it taught me so many things. Taught me the value of having friends, of being one back.. Of being loyal, supportive and understanding to the people I love dearly. It was, not being afraid to let go of past events, and create a future for myself.. I never ever used to "live in the day", so to speak. I always used to leap to days, weeks and sometimes even months ahead, just so I could see some sort of spark for myself. It was a great mistake I made, doing that. But now, I live by "taking it a day at a time".. I'd like to think I've done pretty well so far.

Letting go of past events, was so tormenting. Just as I felt I was making some sort of progress with my relationships and myself, something would *ALWAYS* come and bite me from behind and say, "Hey, where do you think you're going? I'm not done yet".. That lasted for a few months. It was just like a roller coaster ride, just with more upside down turns than usual.. And larger, more deeper scars as well. I used to think that this "phase" was taking the best of me.. But instead, now that I look back, I see that it's actually bringing out the best in me..

I put myself through a lot these past few months.. I also endured a lot of pain, but as they say "what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger".. Well, hopefully I may fully attest to that in the forthcoming months, once I've completely moved past this particular time in my life.

I turned nineteen.. And I think it's about time I show the world what I can do, fight for who I want to be.. and get to where I want, with the people I love and adore. I also know that this next year will bring.. many, MANY more agonizing and torturing moments and events. I won't say that I'm ready for it, because you can never be completely ready. I will say though, that I think I may be regaining the lost hope I had.. And the dreams I pushed aside, in fear of being unable to experience them.

I've always been told, since I was young, by various people.. "Don't dream too much.. One day it will get to you".. And I'm thinking it's about time I chuck that one sentence out of the window, through the glass roof, down the pipe, into the ground and finally through the sewers. Right where it belongs.

Here's to me. Here's to stability, more painful events, a bit of torture, happiness, tears, love, contentment, relationships, distance, hope, dreaming and finally.. Here's to my first toast ever, for myself.

*CHEERS!*

[This first post, of my new year.. I dedicate to my bed - A loyal and comforting object that has been there for me quite a lot].