Does this darkness have a name?

You always have your friends, the really really great ones who stand by you, even if you murder someone, and they'll even stand in the witness stand for you, to prove you not guilty. So, it's suffice to say that they'll always be right by your side.. But, it's beyond me how they can say with such surity these few words.. "You'll be fine". Without twitching once, or stammering twice. How can they be SO freakin' sure?! And not only that, how come they're almost always right in the end?!

When you see no, absolute no light for yourself.. and just complete bleakness, they always somehow find a way to make a small flame light at the end of a dark tunnel. Over the past couple of months, I've realised how much my friends really mean to me. I don't have that many, I can literally count all of them on my hands.

Everyone has always known me as "the loner", or "the funny girl who always talks about cats", or " The girl whose name I don't know but is such a clutz".. I've had many titles given to me over the years. Most of them, never relating to who I really was. I guess I never knew myself to actually define myself. I still don't, obviously.. But I know for sure, that all those things I've been called in the past have never really identified me properly, as my friends have.

You go through months without talking to them properly, and you always manage to see their faults somewhere along the line, so as to keep your distance from them. You do stupid things like believing you can get through something by yourself, without anyone's support at all, and that if you do ask for any supported, you'll deem yourself weak and hence lead to disappointing yourself. It's a vicious cycle really - one that I've sadly been through more times than I can count. But then, you come around eventually and realise what a right wally you've been, and try to re-ignite those relationships.. And they act as though you never left in the first place, and literally start off where you left off.

So far, this year has been terribly painful. And the cherry on top is that it's not even close to being over. It's one of the fastest, most brutal starts of the year I've had.. Ever. From now on, all bad things will be measured up against this. Although I have a slight feeling that this isn't where it ends. Oh no..

Everytime I say to myself "Right, it's time to catch your breath".. Something else always pops up. And I mean *always*. There's no time for catching my breath.. At least not for now.

I've always told myself "you only go through what you can handle.." And I look back on the past couple of years' events, and I agree with that. But sometimes, you just lose faith. And losing faith in something you want, can honestly send you to a nasty place. It's hard to trust yourself first before trusting others.. I've always had trusting issues. I take literally, forever to trust someone. By which time they've come and gone. There are very few people who can pinpoint what exactly i'm thinking or feeling or understand me.. I'm not the type to have hundreds of mates and be all friendly with all of them. Nope. I have just the handful.. And that's enough for me.

How did we get here? This place.. Where we at ages of 17-19 go through "self-questionning" phases. But then again, no one ever set it on stone to go out and tell people how and when to go through such phases. They just happen. And you have to go along with it.

With how things have become now, "lonliness" has become almost a way of living for some. An unwanted one, but all the same, a way of living. Some choose to live parts of their lives completely alone, whilst others yearn for someone else to be by their sides through and through.. Some don't choose it, but it comes to them and they are left to deal.

To all of you, who are dealing with something, or trying to move on from a painful experience. Hold on tight, darkness turns to light, almost always.