A couple of weeks ago I lost someone. I lost someone who was the centre of my universe. Someone who I was unbelievably attached to in the most deepest of ways. Someone who made my day really special, just because I knew he'd be there when I got home. My sweet Cookie took his last breath on a heart-breaking Sunday, and my world feels like it's lost it's light.
The last few weeks have been a bit of a tiresome blur. I feel the loss so deep within me, that even today, if I stop for a second to think of Cookie, I'll immediately break down. It's absolutely indescribable the sorrow I've been feeling.
As you know, I've dealt with a lot of loss throughout my life. It's been a hard thing to cope with.. But somehow, I've made it through. I know that with time, my soul will heal. And I know in time it won't be this difficult to think about him. But I also know that the time I refer to, is a long, long time away.
In a few days it'll be 14 years since my dad left this world. That's exactly half my life that I've spent without him. It took me a good 10-12 years to accept his death, and to heal from all that it bought on me. And even with that, I still think about him pretty much every single day - and I miss him all the time. The thing with loss is that, no matter how much time has passed.. That feeling, the empty feeling, just never quite goes away. You learn however to be "normal" again, to laugh and to live again, but there's always this feeling at the back lingering, which reminds you that something is quite obviously, missing.
Over the last couple of months, I feel like I've fallen in to a dark place. It's not pitch black dark, but it's darker than I would have liked. For instance, I never thought that I'd find it difficult relocating away from my family. I also didn't realise that I didn't want to work full-time. These are big things to accept when you've recently married - which is a massive change in its own right to begin with. So many life changes happened in one go for me, mixing in Cookie's ill health and my inability to deal with it healthily. To top that off, I joined a job that I frankly don't want to do, and I find such utter displeasure being there everyday. My soul, has not been happy. And because of all the unsettled unhappiness, I've also been feeling poorly more frequently.
But that is how it's been. I go through a lot of changes, then I get bogged down by it all - and then eventually I see the positivity, the light and the good again. I eventually start healing and everything starts feeling a bit more right. This time however, I've been feeling a lot more stressed than usual. I feel confused. I feel angry. I feel frustration and I feel sorrow.
On the upside of all of this, I know that I'll get through the various challenges. Eventually I'll get tired of myself feeling low - and something inside me tells me it's coming closer. I just have to be patient, and let my body and my mind take it's time to get to where it needs to. And I know, everything will be better. Especially with Mr. Sanaa right by my side.
To end with.. A short note to Cookie:
My love, my Cookie - your sweet presence changed my life completely. I couldn't and wouldn't imagine a life without you. You will always be my biggest blessing and my most adored companion. You have no idea how much joy, happiness, love and wholeness you bought to me, even in my darkest of moments. I think that is why I'm finding it so utterly difficult to move through this, without you. You've always, always been there for me.. And you will always have my entire heart. You were my home. You made things make sense, and you were the best most sweetest little fluffball.. And I'm eternally grateful to have shared 16 precious years with you my love. Rest in forever peace. I miss you my Nigu! <3 font="">
