I read somewhere recently.. "It is not the mountains we conquer, but ourselves." It was a quote someone I follow on Instagram had posted, and that sent me in to my deep thinking mode.
The last few months have been a particularly difficult time for me. I was faced with making some really tough and harsh decisions, that I never thought I'd need to make. A lot of them surrounded with the same question.. "Sanaa, what is it that YOU want from this?" I feel that it was an important question to ask myself, because somewhere along the line, somewhere in the last year of my immensely adventurous existence, I forgot what the answer to that was. I was so involved in what others thought or felt, and how I was disappointing this person or that person by my decision making process, that I forgot to acknowledge myself and my thoughts. And when you come to that point, you know you've lost that connection with yourself and your inner peace. I had worked so hard to get to that point, and within a few days I lost it, so easily!
When you're put in an uncomfortable situation, your instinct usually tells you to do whatever you can, to come out of it as fast as possible. I mean, who willingly wants to put themselves through any sort of discomfort right? Well, another lesson I've learnt recently is that you can't really force or push things to work for you before its time to work, try as you may. This obviously leads to further frustration, because you are so impatient feeling stuck in the situation you are in. It's just all very unnecessary sometimes.
From that moment onwards, I knew I was in trouble. Losing focus on what you want is such an unfortunate thing to go through. Especially when it's a focus you build with so much love. I have to say, that was a scary time for me - because I felt like I was suspended mid-air with no parachute. I was just falling, and I couldn't see the ground. But it's during these moments, you can either continue drowning in the sadness, or you can pick yourself up and try again.
It was around this time I realised that I've actually been through this process of falling and getting up, many, many, many times in my life. And it saddened me even more. It frustrated me and made me really angry. I kept asking, why I was going through something so difficult and so agonising. More than that, I was just really tired of going through the motions of picking myself up again, and giving it yet another shot. Of course, this shot I talk about is, for myself. It's not for anyone else. I could have either chosen to stay in a pit of soggy mess, or find some tiny bit of patience and dust myself off, before giving myself the space to find the answers to confusing circumstances.
Thankfully, I decided to go with option 2 yet again. Because that's the option that allows me to clear my path and make my way to what my heart desires the most.
Along these battle scenes, I've learnt how to stand up for myself and what I believe is right for me. It may not be right for someone else, but I've learnt to respect my journey and my thoughts. My journey isn't based on anybody else but me. It's mine to unfold, and the lessons I learn, are mine to understand. Even the risks I take, I take them knowing I will not regret anything later, and will only learn from the various decisions I make. Isn't that how you grow? Why worry for something that is not in your hands, and fear every single new thing that you haven't experienced before? Why not embrace the unknown? Isn't life totally uncertain and unknown anyway? To get angry or upset at me for what my journey is, doesn't really do much, but it only distracts me and stops me from doing whatever I can to make sure I stay happy. And, that I do everything with unconditional love.
One thing I know for sure is that, you're never the same person when you go in to a dark phase and when you come out on the other side. Your thoughts and feelings evolve, and your personality shifts to maintain the strength you've achieved from witnessing whatever you have.
Last year, whilst in Australia, climbing that actual mountain, I didn't realise that I was learning a lesson. I was learning that I had enough strength to walk up a sloped mountain, but when I reached the top, I was blown away by what I what I saw before me. With the same idea, I look behind me and I see so many mountains, hills, slopes and ditches I've climbed and crossed. I've stayed stuck on some for a really long time, but others I crossed with humility and love. The views after each climb have been indescribable, that's for sure. Each time, I felt like I had conquered something so big and so enormous. Through all of this though, I've understood that life is just really, one big lesson after another. You're never at a point where you are not being tested. It's a lovely thing in all it's messiness, but it's also, really really difficult. And thus, this is how you become human.
I hope one day, when I look back on these tough days, I can appreciate the resilience, strength and persistence I worked with, to get to where I needed to be.. To eternal love and happiness.
Until then, here's a song.
