Recently I've had a really hard time battling emotions, experiences and other reference points from my past. Now as you know, I generally keep a low profile, a happy and positive outlook as much as possible and try and make every day count towards a more content life.
The thing about the past is that it creeps up on you when you least expect it. Which is strange because I'm a firm believer of keeping those types of things locked somewhere without easy access. The past is there for a reason - to learn from. I dislike looking back too much, because that would cause regrets. I totally loathe it. And I feel totally uneasy about regrets, and don't believe in having many. It makes me nervous and it brings no good feelings most of the time. You see, digging in to your past is fine if you are remembering some good memories and are sharing them to gain a happy-nostalgic feeling (although this should not be overdone either!). What I find however, is that, people tend to look in to their past to remember how difficult a certain phase was for them (I find that older aunties etc, seem to be more in to this type of thing. Where they talk about hard times that they faced. There's so much hurt, bitterness and hardships that they endured, that it's understandable. But it's so damaging to constantly remember how painful things were. It's tiring. And it keeps you so closely attached to a sad part of you). And I am guilty of this on several occasions too, mind. But as humans - we have this inability to just accept our past for what it was. We can't change it. It's happened, it's there, there may be scars from it to remind you of those experiences - but that's it. That's their purpose. To remind you that you went through several storms and had turbulent moments, but that the future is completely free of any negative presumptions or nastiness. It's brand new. And that, my fellow readers is such a wonderful thought.
(Warning: this is going to sound totally, irrevocably insane on so many levels.) My problems arose when I realised that the situation I've been in for the last month or so had been one of significant wonderfulness. It was free of any negativity, and anything vicious. It was built on pure love, calmness and ease. It was then, that my entire brain exploded with the insane awfulness of a similar situation I had been in, a few years prior. So what did I do? Well, I started recalling how unhappy and unstable I felt - along with how difficult the situation was. I recall only very bad things about this as it is (and actually haven't thought about it in grave detail for a very long time), and I remember it being one of the worst things I had to endure. It was a time of complete inner turmoil, and detachment from so many emotions and it was frankly, unpretty. In fact, I used to write very dark posts on my blog at the time, vague ones (obviously) in order to communicate how broken I felt.
Wow, such strong, negative words right there. Gross.
Fast forward to the last few weeks and what do I see? Happiness. Complete and utter, unfiltered happiness. And my entire being freaks out. "How can this be normal?", "why isn't this as hard as I remember?", "It was so utterly dark and spiral-ey!".. And like that, with all my twitty self, I almost became that very sad person I was a few years ago, with the same fears and the same doubts. It was literally, that easy. A few past references caught up with my brain, I let them in, and voila, I got myself in to a nice oily pickle all by myself. And it wasn't even tasty.
What I should have done is, revelled and bathed myself in the intense happiness and normality of a brilliant situation, and the moment I felt Past Sanaa peek through to me, I should have just told her to go find a big lemon and suck it, really. Instead, I let her in, in fact, I welcomed her in - even gave her a bed and warm pj's to wear. She almost made a home, and thankfully Present Sanaa realised what a ridiculous situation this was, and told Past Sanaa to, well, take a hike. Far away. In fact she gave her directions to get lost.
To be honest, in hindsight, there was never a real reason for me to have such a massive freak out. But hey, at least I've learnt a valuable lesson now - there's no point in living in past experiences for present amazingness, and pre-empting future disasters. And believe me, no one better than yourself can create those disasters. It's all in the way you work with your mind, and accept the good that is coming your way - and only hope for more good to encircle your presence in the future. The choice, is easy. It's just hard to set your mind up like that, because we are so accustomed to being impatient pessimistic drones. We fear the unknown that is our future, and the only way to go in to it, is with all that baggage. It's to reinforce to yourself that you are "well-equipped" for any "bad things" that are coming your way. Except we never "prepare" ourselves for the total greatness that is waiting for us ahead.
Here's to a lighter, happier and more chilled out tomorrow. And all of the tomorrow's that follow.
