"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it"- Douglas Adams
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Quote
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Nine
"I see trees of green, red roses too, I see them bloom for me and you and I think to myself.. What a wonderful world"
9 years ago, I lost my father. It feels surreal saying that number. Next year it will be a double digit. Every year that passes though, I feel I've had the chance to know him better than the last. I've learnt about who he was, what his story was and what he did. Whether it's my mum telling me of the time he was getting ready to hit a man with a cricket bat, but made him pee in his pants instead, or my grandfather telling me of how my dad was as a child. I feel he's a whole person now, not just my father, but a man associated to multiple roles - each he manifested with humility, humour and heart.
I wish I knew these sides to him - actually having to witness them first hand. But I guess these are memories and stories that are told in memory of someone. If he were around now, I'd probably still be incredibly scared of him, of making him angry. I don't however remember him angry. I remember him imitating 'Jailhouse rock' in a busy Pizza hut restaurant, complete with an air guitar solo.
Every year that passes by, my idea of the person he was gets stronger, missing him becomes second nature and trying to remember his voice gets a little harder. If you had asked me 9 years ago, if I thought I'd be sane enough to get myself through A-levels, a degree and work full time - I would say that somebody was pulling an awful joke on me. I had little if no faith at all in believing that the pain would get easier to deal with and missing him would be a part of my existence, something I would not delve on.
Its been a long process, getting to where we are today. We keep him alive in everything we do, and sometimes feel his presence in the most needing and yearning of times. There are many moments where I suddenly stop and realise 'I don't have a father' - especially during big and happy occasions. Its wishing he was there to witness these events and the lack of his presence which makes it hard. There are still tough times where I find myself clenching my teeth in tears, hoping he would magically appear with a bag full of goodies and the smell of Sculpture in the air. Those moments pass too eventually and I realise that I am fortunate enough to be surrounded with those who represent him the best.
So when people ask me how I got through 'it' and how I'm still 'alive'.. I just let them know that in the end, it was how amazing he was that inspired me to move on, and get to where I am today.
9 years ago, I lost my father. It feels surreal saying that number. Next year it will be a double digit. Every year that passes though, I feel I've had the chance to know him better than the last. I've learnt about who he was, what his story was and what he did. Whether it's my mum telling me of the time he was getting ready to hit a man with a cricket bat, but made him pee in his pants instead, or my grandfather telling me of how my dad was as a child. I feel he's a whole person now, not just my father, but a man associated to multiple roles - each he manifested with humility, humour and heart.
I wish I knew these sides to him - actually having to witness them first hand. But I guess these are memories and stories that are told in memory of someone. If he were around now, I'd probably still be incredibly scared of him, of making him angry. I don't however remember him angry. I remember him imitating 'Jailhouse rock' in a busy Pizza hut restaurant, complete with an air guitar solo.
Every year that passes by, my idea of the person he was gets stronger, missing him becomes second nature and trying to remember his voice gets a little harder. If you had asked me 9 years ago, if I thought I'd be sane enough to get myself through A-levels, a degree and work full time - I would say that somebody was pulling an awful joke on me. I had little if no faith at all in believing that the pain would get easier to deal with and missing him would be a part of my existence, something I would not delve on.
Its been a long process, getting to where we are today. We keep him alive in everything we do, and sometimes feel his presence in the most needing and yearning of times. There are many moments where I suddenly stop and realise 'I don't have a father' - especially during big and happy occasions. Its wishing he was there to witness these events and the lack of his presence which makes it hard. There are still tough times where I find myself clenching my teeth in tears, hoping he would magically appear with a bag full of goodies and the smell of Sculpture in the air. Those moments pass too eventually and I realise that I am fortunate enough to be surrounded with those who represent him the best.
So when people ask me how I got through 'it' and how I'm still 'alive'.. I just let them know that in the end, it was how amazing he was that inspired me to move on, and get to where I am today.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
In fear of tomorrow
Growing up I had a lot of fears - I was afraid of thunder and lightening (and I still am sadly), of someone breaking in to my house (still have that one too), and of earthquakes (oh.. and this one too).
If I sat down to list my fears - they would be never ending. I have a lot of things to fear. It's only when I sit down to think about what exactly I'm fearing, the rationale behind that fear and why it exists - do I realise that most often it is useless. A complete and utter waste of energy and thoughts on things that "could happen"..
Over the last few weeks, I've been busy - mentally and physically. Life has kept me on the go with several plans and things to do on a daily basis - be it at work or my personal life. I'm understanding that life is moving on at this crazy pace and I am yet to make my way through things I want to and probably should do. Instead, I've spent time analysing my irrational fears and stressing myself out for no reason.
We all get so locked behind our fears all the time, and it stops us from doing so many great things. I mean, we all gotta die one day - why not make each day count and do awesome things until then? Sombre thought, I know - but from where I stand, I want people to remember me as a person who lived and tried everything at least once.
Another Bon Iver song - I hope you're all falling in love with them.
So all - who cares what the future holds, we're not there yet. Let's get through today and do something awesome until then.
If I sat down to list my fears - they would be never ending. I have a lot of things to fear. It's only when I sit down to think about what exactly I'm fearing, the rationale behind that fear and why it exists - do I realise that most often it is useless. A complete and utter waste of energy and thoughts on things that "could happen"..
Over the last few weeks, I've been busy - mentally and physically. Life has kept me on the go with several plans and things to do on a daily basis - be it at work or my personal life. I'm understanding that life is moving on at this crazy pace and I am yet to make my way through things I want to and probably should do. Instead, I've spent time analysing my irrational fears and stressing myself out for no reason.
We all get so locked behind our fears all the time, and it stops us from doing so many great things. I mean, we all gotta die one day - why not make each day count and do awesome things until then? Sombre thought, I know - but from where I stand, I want people to remember me as a person who lived and tried everything at least once.
Another Bon Iver song - I hope you're all falling in love with them.
So all - who cares what the future holds, we're not there yet. Let's get through today and do something awesome until then.
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