Ever since I can remember, I've always wanted to live my life through experiences. In all shapes and forms. I wanted to do all those things I felt were good for me, and obviously the bad things came along as part of the package of being alive.
I've always thought that so many people nowadays have become robotic, settling for their mundane and repetitive lives. Sometimes I know, you can't help but just settle and keep going with whatever you have, due to circumstances. But what about the others who have the choice to stop and wait a while to catch their breath and appreciate whatever it is life has bought to them.
It's been an ongoing process of different kinds of realisation this past term at uni. Although I am nearing the start of a new term after such a long Easter break, I look forward to many different things, including the bad and ugly, which undoubtedly I will face.
I've come to know one main thing over the past few months. That is, no one knows what the future holds for them or others. It's not as easy as looking inside one of those crystal balls and foreseeing the prince on a horse, and a castle with a wizard who'll help you through life. It's very mysterious, unknown and ever-changing. You can sit and postulate plans and go on and fill up your diary with events, but until you are in that day, that moment, doing that thing, you can never say for sure that, that will happen. It's one of the most amazing yet most annoying things about life. Sometimes though, I wish I knew what was going to happen.. Cause you can't always be prepared, right?
I know it's hard to be optimistic all the time. People think there's something wrong with you when you're always positive and chirpy, because well, that's abnormal behaviour for humans these days. For them, a grumpy look, a pessimistic lifestyle and grumbles will suffice for everyday living. I however, want more.
There's too much in this world to leave unnoticed, and too much to not witness and go through. There's the reality of losing loved ones, there's the bittersweet pain of heart-break, there's the thrill of the unknown future, the laughter with friends about things that can't be forgotten, and of course, the loneliness of absolute solace.
I know it's upsetting when certain bad things happen. It feels like you want to crawl away and silently disappear. And people who keep telling you "there's something to be learnt here, you'll see", you just feel like slapping and gauging their eyes out. But after a while, maybe even a very long while, you begin to see that there is actually something good about what happened. Maybe it helped you grow into a more sensitive person, maybe it made you realise never to trust so naively again. Perhaps it was a bigger more happier thing, like getting rid of something that always held you down. There are many ways anything that happens to us, can be seen in a more positive way. It's not always possible, I admit. But the times that it is, it makes living so much easier.
I guess I've been trying to put these thoughts of mine into action because I've become so sick and tired of moping around, of getting affected by the slightest wrong in my life, of not appreciating what I have when I do.. and most of all, forgetting how to be happy and content. That too at such a young age. This isn't what it's meant to be like. I see so many young teenagers everywhere who try to act like their 30, have witnessed everything in life and think the worst thing they've been through is losing a "boyfriend" of 2 days. There's always going to be time for all of that. Why not just live everyday as it comes, and enjoy whatever it brings. Sigh.
I may sound completely off my head to most of you out there, but I don't want to miss out on living. I don't want to get on the trains every morning, for a long boring commute and work at the computer like a robot, come home, cook and sleep. I want to do things that I would find fun and exciting. I know not everyday can be like that, but surely at least once a week it's possible to feel that way. Or have we just evolved into a race that's just completely hopeless now?
Well that's all from me. It's been a while, and I missed writing.
There's more philosophical and at times nonsensical talks to come this way, more often.
