Why So Serious?

Fear. It's the sudden over-take of feelings about a particular situation. It comes in all shapes and sizes, and can begin to over-run your system. It's something that can make you want to kill yourself, but at the same time want you to fight against it. Almost like an irritating bodily infection.

In psychology, you learn that most fears are irrational. It's all in the mind, which get there in the first place via things like the media, seeing others in scary situations and so forth. For example, the amount of times I'd watch the news and the breaking headline would read "1,000 dead - Deadly tsunami/earthquake hits" and I would immediately start getting anxious, nervous and scared by thinking of myself in that situation and how I would react. Which then bought on my fears for earthquakes.

For most part of my existence, I have feared something. When I first understood what fear was, I was most afraid of losing my parents. As time went by, my fears grew into various other threads that lead into bigger issues. I lost my dad, and for the next few years the only thing that I felt was fear. Fear of being left stranded, fear of not knowing what to do or how to do things, fear of not moving on, fear of moving on, fear of trusting and fear of hoping - these were just a few from the long list of things that consumed me everyday.

I hated being in that state. It was the worst period in my life. It was so confusing knowing what I was most fearful of, yet not knowing how to stop that fear from rising into something bigger and worse. It was like I was in this black hole, and the deeper I got, the more fearful I became - of life and myself. I started fearing for myself because I had become this weak piece of matter.

Now though, I've come to realise that many of my fears were extremely irrational. For years I was so sure that I'd be left stranded in the middle of nowhere, or that at some point I'd lose everything that mattered to me. Although at the time it was justified as to why I was thinking that way, I also know that it's far better to embrace the fear rather than be fearful of the fear - if that makes any sense at all. As the years went by, I lost many good friends and others who meant a lot to me - It hurt, for sure but it never killed me. It was horrible to lose those people, but I also know that the time spent with them was special and extremely personal. Why not celebrate it instead of creating it into an irrational thought that will eventually just ruin you?

Sometimes I can't understand the human mind. It's like it has a mind of it's own. To be very honest, if there's anything you should be afraid of it's that. The fear that you never know when your mind will give up on you and just do what it wants.

Another thing I can never understand is how.. So many people fear other humans. Surely, some have more power over others but handing them that power with your own two hands, is just not understandable. How can you let another person judge what you do is good or bad? How can you let them tell you that what you believe is wrong and that this is the right thing to believe? How can you let them hold a gun to your head and tell you that in 2 minutes you'll be dead and not do anything about it but die in fear? It's a whole maze of questions.. It's amazing how we become under the influence of others. That, my friends.. Is something to be scared about.

It takes a very strong person to stand their own ground and not be shaken by anyone or anything. It takes a a lot of courage and strength to cast your fears aside as irrational and start thinking thoughts in different ways. If there's anything to be feared - heights, bugs and planes for instance - the worse that could happen is that you'll plummet to your death or have a few injuries.. I don't think that's awfully bad.

Then, there's the good fear. The kind that makes you have an adrenaline rush. The fear of the unknown, the fear that you have absolutely no idea what you're doing with your life (in a good way!) or where you're going. The kind that makes you laugh because you love living that way, and hate having things planned. The spontaneity of the unknown and the unravelling of that is probably one of the best, best feelings in the world. It's exciting and definitely tones down the seriousness that is life.. Many notches!! It's the one I live on, and I have to say.. Although there are some terrible things that one could feel like the aforementioned, this is the complete opposite. The most liberating, and greatest of all.

The Joker most definitely had it right.

(Un) Fearfully Yours.

Return of the.. Hairy!

Sadly.. That's all I came up with, as the title in the past 2 months of pondering as to what to write. Call it writers-block, or call it plain laziness.. But I have missed my space. And I know you all have missed me and my wisdomess words and pure awesomeness.. (pause). Right, I expected a round of applause there, but you know. I know in your mind you're all giving me a standing ovation. Right? Right? =D

Let's cut to the actual excuses now. The last post was written on 20th August. That was a long time ago. We're nearing 20th October now. And my excuse is that I have actually been busy! Can you believe it? I have a life.. And that to, it's one that is busy!

Uni started a couple of weeks ago, and since I have tried to maintain the "going to the lectures" part.. And I have succeeded. Apart from the times that I sit outside the lecture hall drinking Vimto. Oh yeah. But seriously though, the second year is HARD. I mean all the studying I did last year has suddenly tripled over night. It's scary, exciting and boring all at the same time.

Since the month of August I have moved into my house with my friends, got a job and then lost the job before starting the job (I'm just that cool!).. And of course tried to do important things. But as for the job part of my life, let's just say that I am back to square one - jobless, hopeless and soon to be moneyless. Gosh, the thrills of life!

We had eid a couple of weeks ago.. and it was strange. Usually Eid is one of my most favourite times of the year. I enjoy the buzz of the whole family, the yummy food, the get togethers and of course the fancy clothes (otherwise not to be seen in such clothes unless it made of Pyjamas). This year, it was hectic, suprising and completely weird. It was one of the rare times where all my uncles, and aunts were together for eid. Usually we miss out one or two who live across the world. This time they were there, yet there was an odd sense of emptiness. Of course Eid has also been one of the most emotional times of the year, considering my dad isn't around. But this time I found myself getting teary quite a bit.

There was a moment where I was sure I was going to start bawling. A family picture of my grandad and all of my dad's siblings was taken. In the middle of the picture though there was this huge gap.. And I guess for a few seconds it just reinforced what was supposed to be there.

Sigh.

Well enough about the sombre part of all of this (which btw isn't so often anymore.. wahey!) I shall write more tonight! (Or you know, a few months from now!! =D)

In the words of.. Cookie and Frostie. Meaw, Meaw.. Meaw.