Does this darkness have a name?

You always have your friends, the really really great ones who stand by you, even if you murder someone, and they'll even stand in the witness stand for you, to prove you not guilty. So, it's suffice to say that they'll always be right by your side.. But, it's beyond me how they can say with such surity these few words.. "You'll be fine". Without twitching once, or stammering twice. How can they be SO freakin' sure?! And not only that, how come they're almost always right in the end?!

When you see no, absolute no light for yourself.. and just complete bleakness, they always somehow find a way to make a small flame light at the end of a dark tunnel. Over the past couple of months, I've realised how much my friends really mean to me. I don't have that many, I can literally count all of them on my hands.

Everyone has always known me as "the loner", or "the funny girl who always talks about cats", or " The girl whose name I don't know but is such a clutz".. I've had many titles given to me over the years. Most of them, never relating to who I really was. I guess I never knew myself to actually define myself. I still don't, obviously.. But I know for sure, that all those things I've been called in the past have never really identified me properly, as my friends have.

You go through months without talking to them properly, and you always manage to see their faults somewhere along the line, so as to keep your distance from them. You do stupid things like believing you can get through something by yourself, without anyone's support at all, and that if you do ask for any supported, you'll deem yourself weak and hence lead to disappointing yourself. It's a vicious cycle really - one that I've sadly been through more times than I can count. But then, you come around eventually and realise what a right wally you've been, and try to re-ignite those relationships.. And they act as though you never left in the first place, and literally start off where you left off.

So far, this year has been terribly painful. And the cherry on top is that it's not even close to being over. It's one of the fastest, most brutal starts of the year I've had.. Ever. From now on, all bad things will be measured up against this. Although I have a slight feeling that this isn't where it ends. Oh no..

Everytime I say to myself "Right, it's time to catch your breath".. Something else always pops up. And I mean *always*. There's no time for catching my breath.. At least not for now.

I've always told myself "you only go through what you can handle.." And I look back on the past couple of years' events, and I agree with that. But sometimes, you just lose faith. And losing faith in something you want, can honestly send you to a nasty place. It's hard to trust yourself first before trusting others.. I've always had trusting issues. I take literally, forever to trust someone. By which time they've come and gone. There are very few people who can pinpoint what exactly i'm thinking or feeling or understand me.. I'm not the type to have hundreds of mates and be all friendly with all of them. Nope. I have just the handful.. And that's enough for me.

How did we get here? This place.. Where we at ages of 17-19 go through "self-questionning" phases. But then again, no one ever set it on stone to go out and tell people how and when to go through such phases. They just happen. And you have to go along with it.

With how things have become now, "lonliness" has become almost a way of living for some. An unwanted one, but all the same, a way of living. Some choose to live parts of their lives completely alone, whilst others yearn for someone else to be by their sides through and through.. Some don't choose it, but it comes to them and they are left to deal.

To all of you, who are dealing with something, or trying to move on from a painful experience. Hold on tight, darkness turns to light, almost always.

A Rat and a Cat

No - This is no poem. Ahem..

Wednesday, was the day.. I felt fear. Not just any fear. Fear that made me hit a closed door twice in a go, and then slip on the floor after that. Fear that has made me so paranoid that I keep looking over my shoulder, and when anything slightly creaks, or moves out of the place, I shriek. Yes my fellow readers.. I have lost it. And the reason is..
Wait for it..
.. Wait for it..

A RAT!!! OMGOQMGOQMGOEOMG OM OMOMGOMGwrhOMGOGM!1213!LCo1!£$"!Jahfih1

Ahem.

It was AS BIG AS MY HOUSE!!! OMG! Okay I lie, it was tiny, but it's amazing how something that tiny can scare the living soul out of you! But then again, it wasn't tiny, it was big, furry, and had eyes that looked at me, and was standing on its legs being all mouse-y with it's mouth.. and.. dear lord, I can still feel the goosebumps.

After we found this creature, me and my mum decided to lock all doors in the kitchen. Completely. Cookie was at the garden door, and mum saw a chance of survival! She called him inside, and he had no idea there was a mouse around. He was completely oblivious. My mum couldn't hold back any longer and so she went into the kitchen, took cookie, went back into the garden through the other door, and then put cookie infront of the mouse, shut all doors, and ran back in as fast as she could. Oh, and did I mention, how I almost fainted?

After Cookie finally saw the mouse, I couldn't stay around to watch what happened. I was watching everything hanging off the stairs, from a closed door. Tsk. Mum was all ready to go out, so she literally ran out of the house and whilst I attempted to stop her she said, "It's okay beta.. You're strong! I have to go, stop being silly".. And before I could hear the ends of that sentence, the front door had shut and if I had known better, I'd say my mum ran, like she never ran before. Tsk.

As soon as she left, I came into my room upstairs, shut the door tight, covered all open corners with a towel.. And sat on the chair, shivering, with my legs up on the chair! I chatted to as many people I could, and told them all about the mouse. I told Ayisha (my neice - who is in Sharjah), to come save me. I called her, and screamed on the phone, and asked her to save me. She said, "masi!! Why don't you call someone in LONDON! Who can be there NOW, and not in 10 hours." Ahem. Good point, I thought to myself.. but proceeded to scream on the phone.

My sister called the house phone minutes after. The phone is in the other room, which meant I had to leave the comfort and safety of my little mouse-free bubble. I was so extremely scared, I ran into the closed door.. Not once, but Twice in a go. I fell down, and hung off the door knob, after which I got up and pushed the door open and slipped on the floor whilst catching the phone and answering it. Oh the ordeal. I became increasingly paranoid with every small creak, with every little movement of my own body even. My leg touched my other leg for a slight second and I literally shrieked out of my own skin. And whilst I talked with my sister, she obviously was convinced that I had lost it.. Completely. I suddenly screamed on the phone because apparently to me - there was something moving that was grey on the curtains behind me. I turn around, and what do I find? A piece of hair hanging from it.. Tsk Tsk.

After that I sat in my room, and sat there.. And sat there. My mum came home later, and screamed "COOKIE GOT THE MOUSE!".. With such pride in her voice, and relief. I obviously began to breathe, and calmed my poor heart down.. I was so proud of cookie. He saved me. He was my hero. He was so brave.. I still didn't leave my room, by the way. And continued to stay there for the rest of the night!

.. That, my fellow readers.. Is my newest phobia - RATS. MICE. *Shudder, faint*.

I am just so entertaining.. I know.

Also - I refuse to forgive Pujy, who btw - scared me so much, and said things like "rats reproduce so quickly, so there has to be more.." and the whole house-rat infestation thing. Tsk. I haven't been able to go into the kitchen without running right back like a wally, since.

.. I need so much help. =D

Edit

>>- Resolutions are perhaps in order, after curses wear away.. For some. But I'm pretty sure that's not the end of those nasty things. Let's see what the next set of them bring about.. Gasp. Let me catch my breath first, please.

Yeah.. Never speak to soon.

Updates and other things

Here are the latest updates of my very-happening life. Beware, you may just get very jealous, in seeing how exciting my life is. In this event, please do not cast any black-magic spells on me, or get angry and throw shoes at me. I am afterall, so very exciting. =D

- Things start to get harder now.. Must live more and more by the rules I have been living by for the past couple of weeks. =|

- My stress levels reach even higher than before as I recieved my darned A-Level exams timetable this morning in the post. I fainted as soon as I saw it, but as I gathered myself I realised that it is by far the strangest setted timetable I've ever had. I have 2 exams on one day starting May 22nd. Then a massive gap till 11th June.. And then 18th through 21st June, i'm swamped with papers. I'll be surprised if I have any hair left.. At all. =(

- Resolutions are perhaps in order, after curses wear away.. For some. But I'm pretty sure that's not the end of those nasty things. Let's see what the next set of them bring about.. Gasp. Let me catch my breath first, please.

- I'm very proud of myself, as I've been such a good girl. I started my alergy free diet about 2 weeks ago, and yes I'll admit I've been very tempted to have naughty things.. But, I have kept myself rather sane in not eating any of it. Apart from a bite of something sweet last night - ONLY because the food was super spicy! =P Otherwise, I'm so strong, brave and, etc.. You get what I'm trying to do here. =D

- I was on a Lord of The Rings marathon yesterday. Watched the first part, and half of the second. Today I intend on finishing the rest as I plan to start studying tomorrow *cough*.. I actually do have to, sadly.. I have so much work to do =( But I'm resting myself completely cause I know the next couple of weeks will be so very hard. Sniff. Sniff. Sniff.

- I went to the Easter fun-fair with my family and some of our friends on Sunday.. It was pretty great!! I finally conquered my fears of heights/Rides all in one day. I am pretty chuffed with myself!! I never thought I'd get over either.. Although the heights weren't all that crazy, but let's just keep it here till I actually have to climb a very tall tower which won't be happening anytime soon.. or ever =D But I've always had fears of rides! Never could handle them, and would cry like a baby at age 13, possibly 16 too. *Hides face*. It was a lot of fun, but I think Yousuf had most of the fun - See picture and face, tsk.


And finally, that's all I have to say for now. I shall leave you all to your thoughts about how absolutely brilliant I am. =D No really, I am.

Ta ra.

A lot of Nothing, Part 2

.. You know you're running out of titles when you have part 2's and 3's of the same title! Tsk.

Ever since Abhishekh Bachchan (oh, I can't believe you betrayed me so..) broke my heart into a million, bajillion pieces, stepped over them, and then made his wife-to be dance around on them with her stupid heels, I have decided to move on. Okay, not completely.. Fine, fine.. Not at all. Jayzes, the things you say to make yourself better. =( But I do hear my heart shudder out of it's place everytime I see them together. Oh please, I am so over it. *Cries herself into a corner*.

Ahem, moving on.

As of lately i've had a scary obsession with Wentworth Miller. Not that it ever ended, but I think it's all those adrenaline-pumping Prison Break episodes that made me go even more crazy for him.. Oh he's so lovely, oh yes he is.

Oh, I could stare at him forever.. And ever.. And ever. Oh and when he speaks.. Don't get me started *faints*.

It is very important for the person I like, to speak good and clean english, without the nonsensical words. And Oh, Wenty.. He does just that.

Moving on to number two, John Abraham. What can I say about this fine piece of manliness? I've obviously spoken about both of them before in my blog, on more than one occassion.

I've never loved the ocean more..

I know that I'm unhealthily obsessed with both of them.. But I also know that if I ever saw anyone who looked like either of them, i'd be first to run in the other direction [away from them]. It's only nice to look at them, have pictures of them all over your room, and desk, floor, ceiling.. You get my point. But to know someone who looks like them, is a story worth running away from, without a doubt! =D

Afterall, I am very loyal. *cough*. Honestly I am, I have no intentions of buying a new house either..

Now, the ChaosBuster must bid you all adieu, as she must go and watch a very sad movie, whilst sitting on the couch on a nice sunny afternoon, drinking.. Wait for it.. Wait for it..
RICE MILK!!! (Milk made from rice, for you less healthy ones.)