Mountains

I read somewhere recently.. "It is not the mountains we conquer, but ourselves." It was a quote someone I follow on Instagram had posted, and that sent me in to my deep thinking mode.

The last few months have been a particularly difficult time for me. I was faced with making some really tough and harsh decisions, that I never thought I'd need to make. A lot of them surrounded with the same question.. "Sanaa, what is it that YOU want from this?" I feel that it was an important question to ask myself, because somewhere along the line, somewhere in the last year of my immensely adventurous existence, I forgot what the answer to that was. I was so involved in what others thought or felt, and how I was disappointing this person or that person by my decision making process, that I forgot to acknowledge myself and my thoughts. And when you come to that point, you know you've lost that connection with yourself and your inner peace. I had worked so hard to get to that point, and within a few days I lost it, so easily!

When you're put in an uncomfortable situation, your instinct usually tells you to do whatever you can, to come out of it as fast as possible. I mean, who willingly wants to put themselves through any sort of discomfort right? Well, another lesson I've learnt recently is that you can't really force or push things to work for you before its time to work, try as you may. This obviously leads to further frustration, because you are so impatient feeling stuck in the situation you are in. It's just all very unnecessary sometimes.

From that moment onwards, I knew I was in trouble. Losing focus on what you want is such an unfortunate thing to go through. Especially when it's a focus you build with so much love. I have to say, that was a scary time for me - because I felt like I was suspended mid-air with no parachute. I was just falling, and I couldn't see the ground. But it's during these moments, you can either continue drowning in the sadness, or you can pick yourself up and try again.

It was around this time I realised that I've actually been through this process of falling and getting up, many, many, many times in my life. And it saddened me even more. It frustrated me and made me really angry. I kept asking, why I was going through something so difficult and so agonising. More than that, I was just really tired of going through the motions of picking myself up again, and giving it yet another shot. Of course, this shot I talk about is, for myself. It's not for anyone else. I could have either chosen to stay in a pit of soggy mess, or find some tiny bit of patience and dust myself off, before giving myself the space to find the answers to confusing circumstances.

Thankfully, I decided to go with option 2 yet again. Because that's the option that allows me to clear my path and make my way to what my heart desires the most.

Along these battle scenes, I've learnt how to stand up for myself and what I believe is right for me. It may not be right for someone else, but I've learnt to respect my journey and my thoughts. My journey isn't based on anybody else but me. It's mine to unfold, and the lessons I learn, are mine to understand. Even the risks I take, I take them knowing I will not regret anything later, and will only learn from the various decisions I make. Isn't that how you grow? Why worry for something that is not in your hands, and fear every single new thing that you haven't experienced before? Why not embrace the unknown? Isn't life totally uncertain and unknown anyway? To get angry or upset at me for what my journey is, doesn't really do much, but it only distracts me and stops me from doing whatever I can to make sure I stay happy. And, that I do everything with unconditional love.

One thing I know for sure is that, you're never the same person when you go in to a dark phase and when you come out on the other side. Your thoughts and feelings evolve, and your personality shifts to maintain the strength you've achieved from witnessing whatever you have.

Last year, whilst in Australia, climbing that actual mountain, I didn't realise that I was learning a lesson. I was learning that I had enough strength to walk up a sloped mountain, but when I reached the top, I was blown away by what I what I saw before me. With the same idea, I look behind me and I see so many mountains, hills, slopes and ditches I've climbed and crossed. I've stayed stuck on some for a really long time, but others I crossed with humility and love. The views after each climb have been indescribable, that's for sure. Each time, I felt like I had conquered something so big and so enormous. Through all of this though, I've understood that life is just really, one big lesson after another. You're never at a point where you are not being tested. It's a lovely thing in all it's messiness, but it's also, really really difficult. And thus, this is how you become human.

I hope one day, when I look back on these tough days, I can appreciate the resilience, strength and persistence I worked with, to get to where I needed to be.. To eternal love and happiness.

Until then, here's a song.

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Think about it, there must be higher love.. Down in the heart and in the stars above. Without it, life is wasted time. Look inside your heart, I'll look inside mine.
Things look so bad everywhere In this whole world, what's fair? We walk blind and we try to see, falling behind in what could be. 
Bring me a higher love, bring me a higher love, bring me a higher love.. Where's this higher love, I've been thinking of? 

Things I learnt this (past) year (Part 2)

So here we are, on the 5th day of 2015.

I was reading back to my post that I wrote this time last year for 2014. I made sure that I went in to the year with all my heart and soul, and knew that I had with such great focus. My focus was to be happy, to be adventurous, to make sure that my heart ruled over my brain and more so, to indulge so deeply in all things to do with love. And that is exactly what I did. 

The year 2014 ended in the sweetest way possible. I had a great holiday split between London, and Dubai. I saw both these cities through different eyes and it was definitely down to the company I was with. I could have sworn that the lights seemed brighter, and everything was just perfect. 

2014 was definitely a year of a lot of progress. I had some awesome holidays, and was lucky to witness great love throughout. I think it was also the year I realised that I'm worth the love and happiness I've always so deeply craved. It obviously was down to the fact that I started rewiring my brain (thankfully!). I also found out that, happiness is my driving force - it's all I wanted, and in order to keep it, I have a feeling I'll do anything I can to make sure it stays for good.

There's so much I've written about my year, and it's all documented right here under the great label of "2014".. I'm so grateful to have gone through all the experiences I did. I loved each one of them, maybe not in the moment they were happening, but definitely once I had been through them. I'm wiser, happier, more energetic and totally roaring to go for 2015!

2015 - my hope for you is to be one that is a journey of love, in the purest of forms. I hope I'm writing my 2015's review from some place warm this December. 

Happy new year all! I wonder what pleasures this wonderfully intense year will bring!

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"Then Love, tired of the misconceptions, finally spoke up. "I was born whole, free, without your silly qualifiers. I have never been and will never be conditional. I am Love, dammit. I am pure. I am boundless. And if you need to ask, I am the answer." - Scott Stabile

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"Yours is the light by which my spirit's born: you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars" - E. E. Cummings 

Things I learnt this year (Part 1)

Historically, I've always waited until the New Year to recap the year that's just gone by. But since 2014 is proving to be such a wonderful surprise, I thought why not change things up a bit.. And list a few things that I think I've learnt or possibly been made aware of thus far.

1. Nobody prepares you for your 20's.
You enter these ages of absolute uncertainty and so much confusion. There's so much constant change through the years that follow after you graduate. For me, personally, I felt that I was totally out of my depth. I didn't understand the working world, I didn't understand the personalities, and I most certainly had no idea how to behave around (uncomfortable) political situations. The emotional changes don't end there though.. As you suddenly find yourself in this whole new frame of mind of wanting to settle down. Yikes! (That's like going from "they have cooties" to "how do I get one" in under a minute.. Or at least it feels like that!) And when you find someone, it's learning to mesh together two worlds. It's learning so many things about yourself in so many ways, that you didn't think were possible. And for that reason, I think it should be part of some type of educational curriculum, where people are taught about this whole stage of life. Thoroughly. Expectations verus reality, and so forth.

2. Patience.
I never knew how much patience I had. I underestimated the amount I had, especially when I thought I was being pushed to my limit. I used to think that having patience was somewhat of a weak quality - as that would mean, you'd just wait for whatever event to come along, and that's it. In my head it was all a little bit "Waiting for Godot." And I hated that. It was only when one day I sat, and understood the meaning of patience, I realised what an immensely powerful quality it is to have. It keeps you grounded and allows you to accept that, when the time is right, things will fall in to place. Although at times I've hated the idea of patience, and have used curse words against it. But, nevertheless, I'm glad that I've got the ability to bring myself back to it when I need it the most.

3. Forgiveness is essential.

This year, I practised a lot of forgiveness. The past is such a huge part of our dis-eases and our negative thoughts. After dissolving some of the "bad stuff" from the past, I felt renewed almost. I talked about this in my blog, earlier this year. I think it's a constant process. There are always new things that pop up, that remind me that it's something that needs attending to. Forgiveness, you see - allows you to be free. It lets you give the past a rest, and lets you breathe in the day you're in, and enjoy it fully. Forgiveness is hardly ever for another person, it's always for you. It's a form of cathartic release, and it should be practised as often as possible.

4. Making mistakes isn't bad.

I've always had an issue with making mistakes. I've been almost scared and reluctant to make mistakes in the past. In fact I still feel some anxiety at times. But what was necessary for me to learn, was that it's totally fine to make mistakes. In fact, making mistakes teaches you to be more human, and allows you to see the world differently. Mistakes are small little lessons - learn them, forgive yourself, and move on. Next time, you'll know exactly how to deal with similar situations. It's teaching you to be an expert, really.

5. Everything we go through has a bigger purpose.

And sometimes.. We can go decades without understanding why a certain event took place. But eventually, everything makes sense - and everything fits, almost like a completed jigsaw puzzle. You'll realise why that person "broke" your heart, or why you failed that course, and why you never got together with that friend of yours, for many years, etc. All these events cluster together to teach you something - and to bring you to something better. That's all you have to know - there's a bigger reason as to why you have to endure some not so nice things, some painful and other difficult events. 

6. Have a little faith.

Whatever your religion, whatever your inner beliefs - know that there's a God who is always looking out for you, and guiding you. Talk to him often, express gratitude, sadness, happiness, fear, and whatever else you want. He's always going to be there - and he knows you. Faith can stem from anywhere - it doesn't need to be from a religion, as it comes from a deep and emotional place within yourself. Your relationship with God is personal, and its one of the most purest and most loving. Always go back to your faith when you feel like you're faltering a little. A prayer, any time in the day, can calm you down and make you feel reassured. Faith is imperative. 

7. Miracles happen daily.

If you're open to it - miracles happen everyday. They can be small things or big, huge ones. Always be open and willing to accept such goodness in to your life - and like that, you'll appreciate everyday that passes and recognise everything that works. Even the things you feel aren't working, are actually working in their own wonderful way. Be grateful, and more good things will happen.

8. Crying is fine.

This year - I've cried a lot. I've cried in front of people I never thought I would. At first I was so aware of my emotions, but now, I accept them wherever and whenever they pop up. I could be in the middle of a crowded station and feel totally overwhelmed by something, have a little cry and not feel shy about it. It's good to release emotions in a healthy manner, and having a small or a big cry can revitalise you instantly (or a few hours later). Sometimes, you talk yourself through the thoughts you're having that are making you feel sad, and once you cry yourself through them, you come to the conclusion that actually, things aren't that bad. You feel like you can face anything after a good sob. It's definitely not a sign of weakness or vulnerability. It reminds you to take a pause, gather yourself and attend to whatever it is, a little differently.

9. Love.

Yes. There it is again. Of course it was going to come up! 

I learnt a lot about love this year. In many forms. But most importantly, it made me realise how I feel like it's almost a purpose for me - to be in love, to see love in everything, and to always be around it. I've looked for it all my life - and I've looked for it during times where I felt so unloved by myself, by events and others in my life. When I decided to stop searching for it, and realising that love is actually everywhere (if you want to see it) - it all came to me in a rush. And now I feel like the sappiest sog out there. I feel like I'm always in love now - and I make it a point to see everything through love-hearted eyes. Oh sigh.

10. Food is a great healer.

Whether it is turmeric powder for a sore zit on your face, or a spoonful of blackstrap molasses to help with inflammation - the right type of food can heal anything from depression to bone dis-eases, and everything else in between. You just need to find what works with your body. I've not been eating well the last few weeks, but I'm aware of this - and quickly getting back to my usual eating habits that my body so desperately misses. In fact, I've noticed bad moods, foggy brained thoughts and also acne, increase in the last few weeks. Food, is my go to place whenever I feel something isn't right. 

And lastly - it's okay to be anxious, imbalanced and a little scared when there are changes taking place. It's the fear of the unknown, but really, there's nothing to fear. Life is wonderful, things unfold as they are supposed to - for you. And most of all, never compare or judge yourself or others around you. Your story is yours to love, and it's just as blessed as everyone else's. 

.. Until part 2!

Oh, and a good song to wrap up thoughts.

Winter is Coming

"Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home"

For the sap in me, I couldn't be happier to note that I can feel winter fast approaching. I love that the days get darker quickly, and that there's so much more to enjoy with the stars in the sky and the cold, crisp air to inhale. It's pure magic.

Don't get me started on the first snow fall of the season either.. Uff, it's something else. Waking up in the middle of the night and seeing a gorgeous layer of white settle on the roofs and the grass - where everything is beautifully still. Not a person in sight, and not a footprint on the fresh snow. And not to forget that moment when you walk out of the door in the morning and slowly crunch the snow below your boots. I think I'm actually falling in love while I type this.

I fell out of love with London a while ago - the magic I used to feel in and around the city's streets is now sadly, nothing special. However, the moment winter reveals itself, it's almost as though the people, the streets and the atmosphere has a sudden change. It's a warm and welcome change of being cosy in warm coats and scarves, and walking around town with your most loved. There could be nothing better, to be honest. It's the season of hot chocolate, mince pies and festive teas all over. Colours like green and red are everywhere and everyone just seems so much happier. 

So winter.. I wait for you patiently. I cannot wait to show you all the love I feel for you! And I suspect this winter will be the most special one yet. 

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"They were from two different worlds. Two entirely different people. But upon their coming together, they created- they found- their own path and together they had their own world and in their own world, they were the same. Everyone else outside of it- everyone else was over there. Away. And they together- they together were here. They were right here. They were the same." - Joy Bell 

 

A Connection

I am fascinated by the way we work, if that wasn't already very apparent. This is actually quite new, as before, I only ever found animals fascinating.. And would never really think that much about humans. I know, what a strange statement to make. But it's not really strange, as it was a connection I was missing. 

I've always been very connected to animals. I find them so pure, so intelligent and wise. I love animals, and I've always put them above humans. I possibly get more affected when my cat is sick than when a person is. I've also, on numerous occasions, had fights with people (and stopped communication with them) due to comments made towards animals. Yes, I'm that involved.

Over the recent weeks, I've experienced some intense connections with people. Be it someone I know, or somebody who I'm just meeting for the first time. I find that there are people whom we cross paths with, that are going through similar events as myself.. And somehow you'll meet each other at moments when you least expect it, but need it the most. Your soul guides you to find answers to those questions you have inside - the answers, always lay within us, but often times, we need that push, that spark or that nudge that someone else can give us, just at the right time.

The other day, I met someone who I have known since I was very young. We've travelled together, we've met often and have shared many experiences together as well. For our entire lives, we've never bonded other than the aforementioned times - and even so, we only bonded very superficially. It was not until recently where we sat down and chatted for a long time. During the time we spent together, we uncovered so many details about the other - and it was lovely. The strangest, or shall I say, the most wonderful part about this was - that we were simultaneously going through similar events in our lives. It felt really refreshing, calming and sort of exciting to share these stories. We are of course two individuals, and have our own theories and ideas on our situations, but the essence of it all, was so similar. It was oddly comforting.

I have felt these types of sporadic connections with people before as well. And, it's always with people whom I've not spoken to for a while, or have had no closeness with before. No matter where I am in my journey, and I speak with them - I find that they have imparted some wisdom of theirs to me. Like that, I start pondering and fixing things in my own soul and my path that need to be adjusted.

Connections with another soul are so wonderful. They can last anywhere from a few minutes to a lifetime. When you find these connections, always ask yourself what question they're helping you solve. What is it that you're connecting over? 

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"You're the author of your own book.. And it's time for a dramatic plot twist!"

- Leeza Gibbons

Together

I remember a time when I was so against love and relationships, that I took the effort to not think about it daily. Yes, I was actually that revolted by the idea of falling in love, that I felt it was totally and utterly pointless to waste my brain space on that.

Forward to present times, and that's one of the forefront things on my mind all the time. I am a very affectionate person, and when I feel excessive amounts of affection towards somebody, I show it very obviously. I can't hide it. And even if I tried, I'd probably give it away some how (yes, I am sadly that person). If my soul clicks with another, I am instantly drawn to that person, and I am committed wholeheartedly for whatever journey we are to take together. This is true for all relationships. 

As we all know, I find love to be one of the most encapsulating, most expressive and deep-rooted emotions one could feel. And I strongly believe that whenever you feel that way for someone, you sit and do everything you possibly can to make sure you find a way together - to wherever it is you want to go.

It's that key word of being "together" when in love. And by that I mean, supporting one another, being on the same wavelength about various "big" things, and being connected on  an intense and personal level. It's also about going through the very hard, the really painful and sometimes unpleasant events and decisions that arise - in the most elegant and calm way possible. 

Obviously timing plays a massive part of any story. When timing is right, everything falls in to place. You have to trust and have strong faith that your story is unfolding as it is meant to, perhaps not at your speed, but it's exactly as it should be. Believe in that strongly, when you're on any path and feeling lost or impatient. It's when we get ahead of ourselves and worry about the crazy big future that isn't even in view, we lose sense of our story and our love for that story.

I think the worst thing we could do is forget why we fell in love in the first place. And I see that so often around me. Whether it's with couples who have been married for years, or couples who are just a year or two in to their relationship. It's quite saddening really, and I think that focus, that moment where you felt "this man/woman completes me" should always be remembered. It should be your "restore" function when things seem a little haphazard. 

Also, take risks. Lots and lots of risks. Risks are actually the only way you break barriers - not only the ones you've created within yourself, but also those that others have built. Barriers are built through years of fears, and fears, as we've established are just insecurities that arise when we don't trust ourselves and the flow of life. And well, fears are best dealt with love. See! It always comes back to love. :D

I feel that when you're in a relationship - you're in it for everything you've got. You love the truth about the person you're with. The entire truth, in a way that you'd never change who they are. Many times, people get in to situations like that in hopes of changing the person they are with, because they feel they have that power to do so. They feel that something is not quite right, and "tweaking" their personalities could help the relationship. That my dear, is not unconditionally loving someone. It is in fact, quite selfish.

Love that awakens the soul, is one that is rooted in the celebration of each other's freedom to be who they are, and to accept any changes that come along the way. You can't change another person - it's not how it works. You inspire each other to become better, surely, and you'll also learn new things from each other. But this is not forceful change. Whatever their quirks are, whatever their ways of doing certain things are, their imperfections is what makes them incredibly fascinating and unique. It's all very simple really - your soul guides you to what it needs, and when it finds it, you'll know instantly.

To me - worldly objects, material things, and money don't mean much. I can wear the same clothes for years without caring for fashion trends and so forth. But for me, love, transcendences everything. It's what my soul knows automatically. It only speaks in variations of love, and that's how I know it is for me. 

So, love with your entirety. There's no sense in holding back.

A song, after a long while!

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"You're dangerous"

 "Why?" 

 "Because you make me believe in the impossible"