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"Then Love, tired of the misconceptions, finally spoke up. "I was born whole, free, without your silly qualifiers. I have never been and will never be conditional. I am Love, dammit. I am pure. I am boundless. And if you need to ask, I am the answer." - Scott Stabile

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"Yours is the light by which my spirit's born: you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars" - E. E. Cummings 

Things I learnt this year (Part 1)

Historically, I've always waited until the New Year to recap the year that's just gone by. But since 2014 is proving to be such a wonderful surprise, I thought why not change things up a bit.. And list a few things that I think I've learnt or possibly been made aware of thus far.

1. Nobody prepares you for your 20's.
You enter these ages of absolute uncertainty and so much confusion. There's so much constant change through the years that follow after you graduate. For me, personally, I felt that I was totally out of my depth. I didn't understand the working world, I didn't understand the personalities, and I most certainly had no idea how to behave around (uncomfortable) political situations. The emotional changes don't end there though.. As you suddenly find yourself in this whole new frame of mind of wanting to settle down. Yikes! (That's like going from "they have cooties" to "how do I get one" in under a minute.. Or at least it feels like that!) And when you find someone, it's learning to mesh together two worlds. It's learning so many things about yourself in so many ways, that you didn't think were possible. And for that reason, I think it should be part of some type of educational curriculum, where people are taught about this whole stage of life. Thoroughly. Expectations verus reality, and so forth.

2. Patience.
I never knew how much patience I had. I underestimated the amount I had, especially when I thought I was being pushed to my limit. I used to think that having patience was somewhat of a weak quality - as that would mean, you'd just wait for whatever event to come along, and that's it. In my head it was all a little bit "Waiting for Godot." And I hated that. It was only when one day I sat, and understood the meaning of patience, I realised what an immensely powerful quality it is to have. It keeps you grounded and allows you to accept that, when the time is right, things will fall in to place. Although at times I've hated the idea of patience, and have used curse words against it. But, nevertheless, I'm glad that I've got the ability to bring myself back to it when I need it the most.

3. Forgiveness is essential.

This year, I practised a lot of forgiveness. The past is such a huge part of our dis-eases and our negative thoughts. After dissolving some of the "bad stuff" from the past, I felt renewed almost. I talked about this in my blog, earlier this year. I think it's a constant process. There are always new things that pop up, that remind me that it's something that needs attending to. Forgiveness, you see - allows you to be free. It lets you give the past a rest, and lets you breathe in the day you're in, and enjoy it fully. Forgiveness is hardly ever for another person, it's always for you. It's a form of cathartic release, and it should be practised as often as possible.

4. Making mistakes isn't bad.

I've always had an issue with making mistakes. I've been almost scared and reluctant to make mistakes in the past. In fact I still feel some anxiety at times. But what was necessary for me to learn, was that it's totally fine to make mistakes. In fact, making mistakes teaches you to be more human, and allows you to see the world differently. Mistakes are small little lessons - learn them, forgive yourself, and move on. Next time, you'll know exactly how to deal with similar situations. It's teaching you to be an expert, really.

5. Everything we go through has a bigger purpose.

And sometimes.. We can go decades without understanding why a certain event took place. But eventually, everything makes sense - and everything fits, almost like a completed jigsaw puzzle. You'll realise why that person "broke" your heart, or why you failed that course, and why you never got together with that friend of yours, for many years, etc. All these events cluster together to teach you something - and to bring you to something better. That's all you have to know - there's a bigger reason as to why you have to endure some not so nice things, some painful and other difficult events. 

6. Have a little faith.

Whatever your religion, whatever your inner beliefs - know that there's a God who is always looking out for you, and guiding you. Talk to him often, express gratitude, sadness, happiness, fear, and whatever else you want. He's always going to be there - and he knows you. Faith can stem from anywhere - it doesn't need to be from a religion, as it comes from a deep and emotional place within yourself. Your relationship with God is personal, and its one of the most purest and most loving. Always go back to your faith when you feel like you're faltering a little. A prayer, any time in the day, can calm you down and make you feel reassured. Faith is imperative. 

7. Miracles happen daily.

If you're open to it - miracles happen everyday. They can be small things or big, huge ones. Always be open and willing to accept such goodness in to your life - and like that, you'll appreciate everyday that passes and recognise everything that works. Even the things you feel aren't working, are actually working in their own wonderful way. Be grateful, and more good things will happen.

8. Crying is fine.

This year - I've cried a lot. I've cried in front of people I never thought I would. At first I was so aware of my emotions, but now, I accept them wherever and whenever they pop up. I could be in the middle of a crowded station and feel totally overwhelmed by something, have a little cry and not feel shy about it. It's good to release emotions in a healthy manner, and having a small or a big cry can revitalise you instantly (or a few hours later). Sometimes, you talk yourself through the thoughts you're having that are making you feel sad, and once you cry yourself through them, you come to the conclusion that actually, things aren't that bad. You feel like you can face anything after a good sob. It's definitely not a sign of weakness or vulnerability. It reminds you to take a pause, gather yourself and attend to whatever it is, a little differently.

9. Love.

Yes. There it is again. Of course it was going to come up! 

I learnt a lot about love this year. In many forms. But most importantly, it made me realise how I feel like it's almost a purpose for me - to be in love, to see love in everything, and to always be around it. I've looked for it all my life - and I've looked for it during times where I felt so unloved by myself, by events and others in my life. When I decided to stop searching for it, and realising that love is actually everywhere (if you want to see it) - it all came to me in a rush. And now I feel like the sappiest sog out there. I feel like I'm always in love now - and I make it a point to see everything through love-hearted eyes. Oh sigh.

10. Food is a great healer.

Whether it is turmeric powder for a sore zit on your face, or a spoonful of blackstrap molasses to help with inflammation - the right type of food can heal anything from depression to bone dis-eases, and everything else in between. You just need to find what works with your body. I've not been eating well the last few weeks, but I'm aware of this - and quickly getting back to my usual eating habits that my body so desperately misses. In fact, I've noticed bad moods, foggy brained thoughts and also acne, increase in the last few weeks. Food, is my go to place whenever I feel something isn't right. 

And lastly - it's okay to be anxious, imbalanced and a little scared when there are changes taking place. It's the fear of the unknown, but really, there's nothing to fear. Life is wonderful, things unfold as they are supposed to - for you. And most of all, never compare or judge yourself or others around you. Your story is yours to love, and it's just as blessed as everyone else's. 

.. Until part 2!

Oh, and a good song to wrap up thoughts.

Winter is Coming

"Winter is the time for comfort, for good food and warmth, for the touch of a friendly hand and for a talk beside the fire: it is the time for home"

For the sap in me, I couldn't be happier to note that I can feel winter fast approaching. I love that the days get darker quickly, and that there's so much more to enjoy with the stars in the sky and the cold, crisp air to inhale. It's pure magic.

Don't get me started on the first snow fall of the season either.. Uff, it's something else. Waking up in the middle of the night and seeing a gorgeous layer of white settle on the roofs and the grass - where everything is beautifully still. Not a person in sight, and not a footprint on the fresh snow. And not to forget that moment when you walk out of the door in the morning and slowly crunch the snow below your boots. I think I'm actually falling in love while I type this.

I fell out of love with London a while ago - the magic I used to feel in and around the city's streets is now sadly, nothing special. However, the moment winter reveals itself, it's almost as though the people, the streets and the atmosphere has a sudden change. It's a warm and welcome change of being cosy in warm coats and scarves, and walking around town with your most loved. There could be nothing better, to be honest. It's the season of hot chocolate, mince pies and festive teas all over. Colours like green and red are everywhere and everyone just seems so much happier. 

So winter.. I wait for you patiently. I cannot wait to show you all the love I feel for you! And I suspect this winter will be the most special one yet. 

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"They were from two different worlds. Two entirely different people. But upon their coming together, they created- they found- their own path and together they had their own world and in their own world, they were the same. Everyone else outside of it- everyone else was over there. Away. And they together- they together were here. They were right here. They were the same." - Joy Bell 

 

A Connection

I am fascinated by the way we work, if that wasn't already very apparent. This is actually quite new, as before, I only ever found animals fascinating.. And would never really think that much about humans. I know, what a strange statement to make. But it's not really strange, as it was a connection I was missing. 

I've always been very connected to animals. I find them so pure, so intelligent and wise. I love animals, and I've always put them above humans. I possibly get more affected when my cat is sick than when a person is. I've also, on numerous occasions, had fights with people (and stopped communication with them) due to comments made towards animals. Yes, I'm that involved.

Over the recent weeks, I've experienced some intense connections with people. Be it someone I know, or somebody who I'm just meeting for the first time. I find that there are people whom we cross paths with, that are going through similar events as myself.. And somehow you'll meet each other at moments when you least expect it, but need it the most. Your soul guides you to find answers to those questions you have inside - the answers, always lay within us, but often times, we need that push, that spark or that nudge that someone else can give us, just at the right time.

The other day, I met someone who I have known since I was very young. We've travelled together, we've met often and have shared many experiences together as well. For our entire lives, we've never bonded other than the aforementioned times - and even so, we only bonded very superficially. It was not until recently where we sat down and chatted for a long time. During the time we spent together, we uncovered so many details about the other - and it was lovely. The strangest, or shall I say, the most wonderful part about this was - that we were simultaneously going through similar events in our lives. It felt really refreshing, calming and sort of exciting to share these stories. We are of course two individuals, and have our own theories and ideas on our situations, but the essence of it all, was so similar. It was oddly comforting.

I have felt these types of sporadic connections with people before as well. And, it's always with people whom I've not spoken to for a while, or have had no closeness with before. No matter where I am in my journey, and I speak with them - I find that they have imparted some wisdom of theirs to me. Like that, I start pondering and fixing things in my own soul and my path that need to be adjusted.

Connections with another soul are so wonderful. They can last anywhere from a few minutes to a lifetime. When you find these connections, always ask yourself what question they're helping you solve. What is it that you're connecting over? 

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"You're the author of your own book.. And it's time for a dramatic plot twist!"

- Leeza Gibbons

Together

I remember a time when I was so against love and relationships, that I took the effort to not think about it daily. Yes, I was actually that revolted by the idea of falling in love, that I felt it was totally and utterly pointless to waste my brain space on that.

Forward to present times, and that's one of the forefront things on my mind all the time. I am a very affectionate person, and when I feel excessive amounts of affection towards somebody, I show it very obviously. I can't hide it. And even if I tried, I'd probably give it away some how (yes, I am sadly that person). If my soul clicks with another, I am instantly drawn to that person, and I am committed wholeheartedly for whatever journey we are to take together. This is true for all relationships. 

As we all know, I find love to be one of the most encapsulating, most expressive and deep-rooted emotions one could feel. And I strongly believe that whenever you feel that way for someone, you sit and do everything you possibly can to make sure you find a way together - to wherever it is you want to go.

It's that key word of being "together" when in love. And by that I mean, supporting one another, being on the same wavelength about various "big" things, and being connected on  an intense and personal level. It's also about going through the very hard, the really painful and sometimes unpleasant events and decisions that arise - in the most elegant and calm way possible. 

Obviously timing plays a massive part of any story. When timing is right, everything falls in to place. You have to trust and have strong faith that your story is unfolding as it is meant to, perhaps not at your speed, but it's exactly as it should be. Believe in that strongly, when you're on any path and feeling lost or impatient. It's when we get ahead of ourselves and worry about the crazy big future that isn't even in view, we lose sense of our story and our love for that story.

I think the worst thing we could do is forget why we fell in love in the first place. And I see that so often around me. Whether it's with couples who have been married for years, or couples who are just a year or two in to their relationship. It's quite saddening really, and I think that focus, that moment where you felt "this man/woman completes me" should always be remembered. It should be your "restore" function when things seem a little haphazard. 

Also, take risks. Lots and lots of risks. Risks are actually the only way you break barriers - not only the ones you've created within yourself, but also those that others have built. Barriers are built through years of fears, and fears, as we've established are just insecurities that arise when we don't trust ourselves and the flow of life. And well, fears are best dealt with love. See! It always comes back to love. :D

I feel that when you're in a relationship - you're in it for everything you've got. You love the truth about the person you're with. The entire truth, in a way that you'd never change who they are. Many times, people get in to situations like that in hopes of changing the person they are with, because they feel they have that power to do so. They feel that something is not quite right, and "tweaking" their personalities could help the relationship. That my dear, is not unconditionally loving someone. It is in fact, quite selfish.

Love that awakens the soul, is one that is rooted in the celebration of each other's freedom to be who they are, and to accept any changes that come along the way. You can't change another person - it's not how it works. You inspire each other to become better, surely, and you'll also learn new things from each other. But this is not forceful change. Whatever their quirks are, whatever their ways of doing certain things are, their imperfections is what makes them incredibly fascinating and unique. It's all very simple really - your soul guides you to what it needs, and when it finds it, you'll know instantly.

To me - worldly objects, material things, and money don't mean much. I can wear the same clothes for years without caring for fashion trends and so forth. But for me, love, transcendences everything. It's what my soul knows automatically. It only speaks in variations of love, and that's how I know it is for me. 

So, love with your entirety. There's no sense in holding back.

A song, after a long while!

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"You're dangerous"

 "Why?" 

 "Because you make me believe in the impossible"

Sixty

Often times we put those who left our world, on a pedestal. We remember them in a magical way, and sometimes even yearn to believe that certain events which never included them, happened. It's a coping mechanism and it makes sense. What we forget however, is that they were human too. And being human means stumbling, falling, tripping and even crashing as we journey on our chosen paths. 

My dad was human. And that took me a long time to understand. Naturally, he was the main male influence in my life, and after he passed, his memories and what I unfolded about him served as a reminder of what he would have approved of and what he wouldn't have liked. I tried to follow closely by what advice he gave to my sisters when it came to education and career aspirations. However, what I learnt was, even he made mistakes sometimes - be it in giving advice, or judgements about people. And that's not a bad thing at all.. In fact, his imperfections made me admire him even more. It was lifting that veil of him being totally untouchable and incredibly perfect - to a more human man. That took me a very long time to achieve, if I'm honest. It took me a long time because I didn't want to uncover something about him which would make me think differently about him. I didn't want to be upset or angry. My want for getting to know him better however, weighed more and so I followed my gut and started asking questions about him.

The questions I asked weren't just to do with his achievements as a brother, son, father, husband and other roles he played. I asked about the way he solved problems, and how those problems were created. I asked about why they happened, and how involved he was in them. It made me feel like it was completely okay to stumble once in a while, but it also reminded me of the great strength him and my mum both had to steer through the various obstacles that faced them - individually and as a couple. 

My dad had a good heart. A heart that was helpful, loving, affectionate, passionate, intelligent, charming and charitable. Underneath the layers of what he was like to us as a father, and as a husband to my mother, he was a deep thinker and actually, a bit of a free spirit. When his friends tell me stories of what they did and what they talked about, one thing they'd always remember about my dad was that he'd always manage to sit in silence, even if for a few minutes. There are old pictures of him, sitting and looking in another direction, gazing in to something unknown to us. There are very few people who knew what he was really like. It was hard to understand him completely, because his thoughts and ideas stemmed from a whole other universal level. And that made me even more certain that he was extraordinary.

My mum and various others have told me on several occasions said that there are things I do or say or things that happen to me that remind them of my dad. I have been told that sometimes my ideas, thoughts and attitude towards a situation bear similarities with his. Of course, that's one of the highest compliments someone can pay me - for they can see habits he had, in me. 

As I grow older, I feel like the picture I have of him is becoming more and more succinct. I can almost see his thought processes and what he thought about life, love, work and travel. I feel more connected - and that's been a gift I cherish so deeply. He is now, no longer just a tall and protective magician I once thought he was. 

Today would have marked his 60th birthday. Although I don't care much for birthdays, I feel that the big six-O is a big deal. I recall some of the plans he jokingly made for his future with my mum - they included riding on a Harley, with my mum at the back - both in leather jackets, travelling the world together. Now of course the Harley was probably more a classy Jaguar, and the leather jacket for him, a cigar. His plans were simple - they weren't extravagant or materialistic. He wasn't that type of person. He definitely enjoyed the finer things in life - but he was never more happier than in his homely pyjamas, unshaven, lounging on a sofa, watching some long philosophical movie, and chomping his way through various (chicken) snacks. 

A few days before he passed, I remember he stayed up till very late in my sister's room, going through houses upon houses in the UK on her computer. Naturally, he had known that his time was coming to an end, and he was trying to secure something for us - due to the urgency yet calmness on his face. He told me that he may be buying a house for all of us in the UK - and so he was gauging price ranges and area information. I didn't understand any of that. They seemed like such big, important plans. Plans that a man who has his life together, would make. He used words like "mortgage" and "finances" and really that's where my interest ended. I gave him a hug good night, and told him I'd be going to bed. It was comforting knowing that beyond the wall right next to my bed, my protector was there to chase the demons away. And just like that, I fell in to a deep and warm slumber. 

Being a parent, I realise - is difficult. Being a father is difficult because you're always being pulled in all directions - paying careful attention that you give time to your children, as well as their lives and the various connections they're making. I can only imagine my dad's reaction to my wanting to settle down - I think he'd have felt old. He'd probably sit down to interrogate Mr Sanaa to no end. Trying to be scary, but friendly at the same time. Gauging Mr Sanaa's expressions, intelligence and personality and wondering whether he could bring me the happiness, appreciation and stability I needed. Although I think Mr Sanaa would pass all stages of interrogation.. As I would have prepared him well! 

In loving and warm memory of the most charismatic, inspiring and grounded man I have the pleasure of calling my father. 

Happy 60th old man. Snigger.

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"There is freedom waiting for you, on the breezes of the sky, and you ask "what if I fall?" Oh, but my darling.. What if you fly?" - Erin Hanson

A Year From Now

This time last year, I remember thinking "I wonder what I'll be doing a year from now." I tried to envision what types of things would have happened in the year ahead. I wondered, would I have changed jobs again? Would I have travelled to some place new and exciting? Would I be living in another country? Would I be in love? Oh my god, would I be marrying Benedict Cumberbatch? 

August 2013 was spent in going to and from a massive amount of weddings and other marriage functions. I remember being in the car (my beautiful, small amazing car which I sold earlier this year. Poor Fabio!) in my shalwar kameez and high heels (although I'd wear trainers for driving. Keeping it real yo) a lot. Half the time I didn't know whose wedding I was at, and whether we were invited from the groom or the bride's side. And oh, the amount of wedding food eaten last year was just unreal - I was eating butter chicken, mattar paneer (Indian cottage cheese with peas) and biryani on a weekly basis. Along with eating food, the other thing I was asked to do was take many pictures.. Of myself.. From different angles.. With different smiles plastered on my face. Yes, I'm talking about matrimonial photographs. Let me tell you, I learnt a few things about how to pose like a woman and also stand un-awkwardly next to various wall displays, trying not to look like a tower in my heels. The only highlight of the wedding season was that I got to realise that I actually enjoyed dressing up for a few hours. Even more than that, I loved the feeling of getting in to my pyjamas after a long evening of looking sophisticated. (I'm actually smiling at the thought of being in my pyjamas.. Whilst in my pyjamas).

The whole rishta (formal familial proposals that never went beyond the stage of me talking to a random man) stage of things started to really wind down after August for me. I decided to take a step back from it all because well, it was frankly not my cup of tea - at all. I let go of all those ideas that surrounded the topic of marriage, and I realised that I was so utterly put off by the idea of meeting any more men who claimed to be "well travelled, open minded and honest" that I couldn't read another email, have another awkward phone conversation or pretend to enjoy a cup of coffee with someone I felt so disconnected with. It was so difficult meeting so many new people so often, and having to talk about the same things over and over. It was inorganic and forced. And hence, one of the wisest decisions I made a year ago was to just let things be in this matter. I knew that when the time was right I would bump in to someone for the last time, and that was a comforting thought.

I also remember booking my tickets to Dubai as well in early August - thinking "I wonder what I'll do there, and who I'll meet".. I told a few close friends I was coming, and decided that I needed, more than ever, to just have some time off. I think booking that ticket was one of the best things I ever did. I didn't think I'd make it to Dubai, especially since the wedding I was going there for had been moved to London, and also the fact that I had splashed out going to Toronto earlier in the year. But, things just have a way of working out - I've found. And of course, it was one of the best times I've had. 

One of the most fascinating things I recognised was that in a year, you can lose and gain so many relationships. People who weren't that involved in your life, suddenly become those that you can't see yourself without. Whilst those you were very close to, have taken a back seat. I have to say, I'm totally happily surprised and eternally blessed to see who I have in my life now. I am definitely of the thought that the best types of relationships are those you never expected. I've always said that I was a fan of spontaneity! :D

Now of course you all know the types of adventures I've been on since August 2013. I have to say that this year has been very kind to me so far, and I think it'll only get warmer and more loving. I told you, 2014 is mine. So is 2015 by the way. I foresee many wonderful things unfolding for me in the coming months - in all shapes or forms. 

So now, I ask myself these vital questions - where will I be a year from now? Will I have taken a few leaps of faith? Will I be happier? Will I be a better person? And most importantly.. Will I have done everything with love?