Quote

I want you to get swept away out there. I want you to levitate. I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dirvish...Yeah be deliriously happy or at least leave yourself open to be. I know it's a cornball thing, but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. I say, fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. How do you find him? Well, you forget your head and you listen to your heart. The truth is, there's no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love, well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

- Meet Joe Black

Lie in the sound

Okay maybe I've not been as constant with my updates as I hoped way back in October of last year. Tsk. But hey, it only shows how busy my life is. Hahahah. Oh my, I couldn't even say that with a straight face.. Er fingers.

Life has been complicated, strange, interesting and adventurous to say the least. The new year bought no change, no nothing at all. I guess constancy is good, not great.

I went to Dubai, which was awesome, over christmas. Although my holiday went by way faster than I had hoped, it was still extremely cherished. Not to say though, my feelings about the place hasn't altered much. I still feel it's overly industrialised and extremely congested for no reason. Yes, it's a gorgeous city, filled with life and all of that jazz, but sometimes a bit too jazzy is not exactly brilliant.

Back to uni, for my second term has been quite interesting. I've fallen ill several times since the start of January, so I've not had much of a chance to stop and think about things. Scratch that, I've had way too much time to stress myself, therefore fall ill over and over. Sigh, must stop my brain from working so hard. You know, whenever it does, that is.

Egham is still the heart of the world.. Er, yeah. You know you've become a townie when it takes all of 20 minutes to get to anywhere in the whole town. Tsk. I love it though. Sometimes I prefer the quite and stillness, as opposed to the hustle and bustle of London. Or you know, stabbings. Whatever you want to call it really.

Over the past few weeks, I've been forced to think about this little thing that could be important, called "future". Yep, that old thing. We've had talks at uni about our final year projects, and jobs and all of that great stuff. Not to mention a big fat bill from the Loans company telling me how many thousands I am already in debt with. It's honestly great fun. It's like a party killer. Ah the joys of student living!

Other than all this nonsensical decision making blab, I've noticed how much I've turned away from the media. Which is pretty strange.. Considering I used to be one of the bigger movie/tv followers ever. I'm now, at least one series behind all the shows I love, and about a thousand movies away from the new ones. Must .. Catch.. Up. Or ketchup. Haha, oh I kill myself.

I've been cooking a lot more, which is good and bad, depending on how you see it. I've been making all kinds of concoctions of supposedly "indian" food. By that, I mean only adding turmeric and chilli powder.. And ofcourse all those millions of spices my mother has bestowed upon me. But hey, my friends are not nearly indian enough to notice, so it's okay! =D I just give it some funky name in a hardcore indian accent, and it sounds like it's a recipe that has come down from my great, great, great aunt, removed 4 times. So it's all okay.

Looking for jobs is hard. Obviously the whole world at this point agrees with that sentence. With the unemployment rate gone up so high, I think I am right to say that I am almost a part of one of the 2million people suffering. Next thing I know, I'll be selling one of my 60-90 pairs of shoes. Bad times.

However, this recession does not stop me from reaching my goals. For example, I am currently planning a trip to Pisa.. Which is taking place approximately a week from today. Technically, it's a holiday where I have to sit and think about my next move in life.. So therefore, it's not really a holiday. Damnit, I just can't make it look bad enough.. But seriously, sometimes you have to go to another country to realise how poor you really are! I swear!

I've also realised how important it is to have time for yourself. Yes, I love being with my friends.. It's amazing, and I love them to bits and pieces and some more. But sometimes I just have to sit in my room and do absolutely nothing but stare at the chipping paint on the walls. However, party-animal-like that may seem, it's actually not so bad.

Music is a type of salvation I've realised. Though I don't physically say that I can "relate" to a particular song, there are different things they attach themselves to. It's strange. But somewhat comforting.

Ah, now the plumbing men knock at my door.. It seems that they have to forcefully take the gunk that is stuck in our gutters, out. This is so exciting, I may need to hold on for the thrilling ride. Woo hoo.

Why So Serious?

Fear. It's the sudden over-take of feelings about a particular situation. It comes in all shapes and sizes, and can begin to over-run your system. It's something that can make you want to kill yourself, but at the same time want you to fight against it. Almost like an irritating bodily infection.

In psychology, you learn that most fears are irrational. It's all in the mind, which get there in the first place via things like the media, seeing others in scary situations and so forth. For example, the amount of times I'd watch the news and the breaking headline would read "1,000 dead - Deadly tsunami/earthquake hits" and I would immediately start getting anxious, nervous and scared by thinking of myself in that situation and how I would react. Which then bought on my fears for earthquakes.

For most part of my existence, I have feared something. When I first understood what fear was, I was most afraid of losing my parents. As time went by, my fears grew into various other threads that lead into bigger issues. I lost my dad, and for the next few years the only thing that I felt was fear. Fear of being left stranded, fear of not knowing what to do or how to do things, fear of not moving on, fear of moving on, fear of trusting and fear of hoping - these were just a few from the long list of things that consumed me everyday.

I hated being in that state. It was the worst period in my life. It was so confusing knowing what I was most fearful of, yet not knowing how to stop that fear from rising into something bigger and worse. It was like I was in this black hole, and the deeper I got, the more fearful I became - of life and myself. I started fearing for myself because I had become this weak piece of matter.

Now though, I've come to realise that many of my fears were extremely irrational. For years I was so sure that I'd be left stranded in the middle of nowhere, or that at some point I'd lose everything that mattered to me. Although at the time it was justified as to why I was thinking that way, I also know that it's far better to embrace the fear rather than be fearful of the fear - if that makes any sense at all. As the years went by, I lost many good friends and others who meant a lot to me - It hurt, for sure but it never killed me. It was horrible to lose those people, but I also know that the time spent with them was special and extremely personal. Why not celebrate it instead of creating it into an irrational thought that will eventually just ruin you?

Sometimes I can't understand the human mind. It's like it has a mind of it's own. To be very honest, if there's anything you should be afraid of it's that. The fear that you never know when your mind will give up on you and just do what it wants.

Another thing I can never understand is how.. So many people fear other humans. Surely, some have more power over others but handing them that power with your own two hands, is just not understandable. How can you let another person judge what you do is good or bad? How can you let them tell you that what you believe is wrong and that this is the right thing to believe? How can you let them hold a gun to your head and tell you that in 2 minutes you'll be dead and not do anything about it but die in fear? It's a whole maze of questions.. It's amazing how we become under the influence of others. That, my friends.. Is something to be scared about.

It takes a very strong person to stand their own ground and not be shaken by anyone or anything. It takes a a lot of courage and strength to cast your fears aside as irrational and start thinking thoughts in different ways. If there's anything to be feared - heights, bugs and planes for instance - the worse that could happen is that you'll plummet to your death or have a few injuries.. I don't think that's awfully bad.

Then, there's the good fear. The kind that makes you have an adrenaline rush. The fear of the unknown, the fear that you have absolutely no idea what you're doing with your life (in a good way!) or where you're going. The kind that makes you laugh because you love living that way, and hate having things planned. The spontaneity of the unknown and the unravelling of that is probably one of the best, best feelings in the world. It's exciting and definitely tones down the seriousness that is life.. Many notches!! It's the one I live on, and I have to say.. Although there are some terrible things that one could feel like the aforementioned, this is the complete opposite. The most liberating, and greatest of all.

The Joker most definitely had it right.

(Un) Fearfully Yours.

Return of the.. Hairy!

Sadly.. That's all I came up with, as the title in the past 2 months of pondering as to what to write. Call it writers-block, or call it plain laziness.. But I have missed my space. And I know you all have missed me and my wisdomess words and pure awesomeness.. (pause). Right, I expected a round of applause there, but you know. I know in your mind you're all giving me a standing ovation. Right? Right? =D

Let's cut to the actual excuses now. The last post was written on 20th August. That was a long time ago. We're nearing 20th October now. And my excuse is that I have actually been busy! Can you believe it? I have a life.. And that to, it's one that is busy!

Uni started a couple of weeks ago, and since I have tried to maintain the "going to the lectures" part.. And I have succeeded. Apart from the times that I sit outside the lecture hall drinking Vimto. Oh yeah. But seriously though, the second year is HARD. I mean all the studying I did last year has suddenly tripled over night. It's scary, exciting and boring all at the same time.

Since the month of August I have moved into my house with my friends, got a job and then lost the job before starting the job (I'm just that cool!).. And of course tried to do important things. But as for the job part of my life, let's just say that I am back to square one - jobless, hopeless and soon to be moneyless. Gosh, the thrills of life!

We had eid a couple of weeks ago.. and it was strange. Usually Eid is one of my most favourite times of the year. I enjoy the buzz of the whole family, the yummy food, the get togethers and of course the fancy clothes (otherwise not to be seen in such clothes unless it made of Pyjamas). This year, it was hectic, suprising and completely weird. It was one of the rare times where all my uncles, and aunts were together for eid. Usually we miss out one or two who live across the world. This time they were there, yet there was an odd sense of emptiness. Of course Eid has also been one of the most emotional times of the year, considering my dad isn't around. But this time I found myself getting teary quite a bit.

There was a moment where I was sure I was going to start bawling. A family picture of my grandad and all of my dad's siblings was taken. In the middle of the picture though there was this huge gap.. And I guess for a few seconds it just reinforced what was supposed to be there.

Sigh.

Well enough about the sombre part of all of this (which btw isn't so often anymore.. wahey!) I shall write more tonight! (Or you know, a few months from now!! =D)

In the words of.. Cookie and Frostie. Meaw, Meaw.. Meaw.

The Highs of Heights

Welcome you.. Welcome all (you know, if you're super-rich, a foreigner, have no sense of identity at all and think that the Matrix is a good place to be) to the land that has everything - It's very own Louvre Museum! - but has lost identity. Yes, my minions, you've thought correctly. Why, I'm talking about the newest place to be, the world of worlds and the city that wants to reach the heavens (literally!) - Dubai.

If you've been a follower of my blog (I honestly pity you!) or my life for that matter, you obviously know that I practically grew up in the Middle East - namely, the UAE. When we came in 1992 it was beautiful. Dubai had very few buildings, and the view from the centre of the city (Deira) to Sharjah was clearly visible. You could see buildings and Al-Mullah Plaza from the comfort of your own windows. That is how, empty yet gorgeous it was. Dubai - at the time, was known for it's famous Fishing trips, untouched beaches and corniches. It was known for it's inexpensive Gold souk, Irani souk and indian textile bazars. From electronics to perfumes, everything was affordable. People came from places like cold and dull England to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life to just unwind or have fun jet skiing or taking the infamous desert safari's and not to forget - smoke Sheesha! Eat those freshly made shawarma's and falafels on the road - and hailing a cab with just your arm, making at least 3 stop at once.

Take that, turn it 180 and that is what Dubai is becoming now. Sigh. Sure, you still have those great things but it's just not the same anymore. Dubai has doused itself in the stupendous creation of a fantasy. It's actually quite upsetting to be honest. The UAE was perfect the way it was - it moved with the times, the laws changed yet there was always the arabic side that stayed still - the history, the culture, and the people. It seems like now Dubai has been infested with foreigners and it's at the peak of losing it's charm. One more push, and down it goes.

Over the past couple of days or so I've been really interested as to what Dubai has become like. I see pictures, and they are terrifying to the point of goosebumps! I kid you not - there are establishments being made in the shape of the Globe, which will be build on the sea. The underwater hotel, the resort which will be in the shape of a cloud and will be raised above ground so as to show people the "view" of the city. The view in question, is completely beyond me! They are building these rotating towers, where each floor would be rotating the opposite side to the floor below and above, so as to let the residents have a different view throughout the day. The Burj Tower - The tallest building in the world, which is probably going to reach one of the heavens - is the most eerie place I have ever seen.

In my opinion, each country/city on this planet has it's own charm. There is something very individualistic about all the places. Paris is known for the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre (not anymore! Step in, Dubai!) and those great architectural buildings. It's known as the city of love because it's absolutely romantic - it has this very distinct feel about it, that when you just arrive you feel like falling all over the place in love with something or another - be it the coffee or the people or even the footpath! I'm not joking! It's actually that great. But my question remains, why take that distinct individuality away from it? Why put the Louvre anywhere else in the world! Just like that, why create huge aquariaums in which you'll place animals like sharks, dolphins, seals and penguins - When some of the animals aren't even made for the climate that Dubai brings. Next thing we know, they'll be off to each of the countries to pick up the animal that best represents it like the Koala's and Kangaroo's from Australia! Why stop there I say - why not bring the Dinosaurs back to life and create a real Jurasic Park?

It's completely ridiculuous! I even loved Dubai when I was leaving in 2005. I'm so happy that we chose to leave at the perfect time. It was when Dubai was developing still, and none of the "biggest and bestest in the world" craze was around that much. It was still all a vision, but not as insane as it has become now - I guess this is what happens when you have so much money and have no idea what to do with it. You just make a city become what every person secretly dreams of, but in such a way it gives them nightmares.

Seeing all the plans for the next couple of years, I was completely gobsmacked! From building islands within the city - some which replicate palm tree's and others that replicate the entire Globe, to buildings made purely of marble. This place has left absolutely nothing to imagine any more, and I say that with disappointment. The sketches shown for the future of Dubai now stand somewhere in between "The Truman show" and "The day after tomorrow".

Even if Dubai has a little bit of charm left, it will be bulldozered over with another "great" building. Soon, there will be no space to breathe.

Pictures taken when we first arrived in 1992/1993. In memory of the place I loved and remembered just this way.

A view of the city - from anywhere you wanted!

Chicago Beach at it's most natural

The Hairy Princess and the Pee.

As we all know, fairytales and other such stories have always been the fine example of perfection. I mean, you have the poor yet beautiful princess, who in someway is locked in a castle, tower, chamber or has had an evil spell cast upon her due to her never-ending beauty, and therefore she's in distress. However, don't you remember that no matter how mean, horrible or nasty anyone is to her (See "Evil stepmother, stepsister, stepcat" so forth) she never fights back or anything, because she's so perfect and ofcourse, anger is a quality of pure imperfection which is why she does not possess such qualities and resigns to a life of pure misery.

Oh wait! Not pure misery. You know why? Well, we forgot to mention the birds, the bee's (and I do not mean in that sense, but in the literal sense!), the rats and in some cases even the tree's that talk to her and are her best friends. She sings in tune with love birds, has a voice that could shake even the wickedest or cynical (See "Prince Charming" - Who of course never wants to marry because he thinks no one is good enough for his *giggle* looks.) of hearts! So she has friends, in the shape of tiny animals and at times, fairies and dwarves who would do anything for her; S'long as she continues singing to them and telling them stories of never-ending, pure and passionate love that she hopes to find in the shape of.. Guess who? Oh yes, Mr. Charming. Prince Charming, to those less fortunate.

And of course, there's the climax of the story when our damsel in distress is caught in her unfortunate dilemma - either to do with a needle, a curse, a fruit so luscious but filled with POISON *Thundering effects*! So all these dilemma's and just the one kiss or in Cindy's case - a shoe! that can solve it all. And then the witch, stepmother, sister, cat all become good or magically disappear due to the romantic first kiss of Mr. Charming and our lovely Princess. Oh! And they live happily ever after.. With the animals and tree's that is.

Now don't get me wrong, I love fairy tales that were written many decades ago that are still part of the "never-ending classics" collection - they are part of the childhood, and part of a dream world we create for ourselves at such young ages. But I mean, what about the less fortunate - the ones who can't laugh as annoyingly sweetly as Snow White, or have mice and birds make their hair every morning (not that I'd EVER choose to do that no matter what kind of apple I ate!) like Cinderella, or have the most perfect voice like Princess Aurora and perhaps travel on a magic carpet like Jasmine! Not to forget their beauty. Oh yes. Perfect figures, heights and faces. Can it get more depressing?

So now, my fellow minions, I propose my story. Fit for every reader. The Beauty, the Beast, The candle and the candle holders! Actually no, not the beauty - because well they all have their little perfect prancing stories already written. I present to you.. "The Hairy Princess and the Pee".

And it is exactly like the title says. Here is a summary, if you please!

This TairyFale is about a Hairy (I'm talking Barefoot combined with Tom Selleck.) Princess, who believes she is a Princess but is actually a normal girl. And of how she falls asleep one day on the floor and wakes up covered in Pee. And that my friend, is the turning point of the story. Don't let me ruin the rest!

.. Now the question we've all been waiting for. When am I publishing this TairyFale, and more importantly where am I signing books? The Muffet Avenue. That's where. Be there or be square (What does that even mean?!).

It's been an exhausting day for my brain. He (don't ask how my brain is a whole different gender to me) had to go through a lot of strenuous activities. Mainly, figuring out why exactly there was a Frostie on the bathroom floor, purring and sleeping whilst we continued to ignore the strangeness of that situation and used the bathroom as normal.

With that, here are two perfect quotes I thought fit for the recent atmosphere of my blog and life:

"There is, incidently, no way of talking about cats that enables one to come off as a sane person."

"Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet, pee on your owner."

Courtesy of catquotes.com

We.. The People of The Cats.

As you all know, I have an obsession with cats. I'm insane about them. So insane, that I'm very allergic to them and yet I sit and play, kiss, sleep and stroke them all day long without caring about how swollen, and crazy I will look in a few minutes time when my sneezing fits and red eyes start. They are to me, what Shell fish are to the lady in Dr. Dolittle who has shell fish allergies and yet continues to eat them because they're so tasty. Not that I eat cats, or ever would.

So you see.. This is actually the purest form of love you'll ever find - anywhere in the world. Let's call it - Unrequited love - because face it, that is exactly what it is. I mean, we cat lovers are actually suckers, if you look closely. They bite, scratch and drive us mad to the point of mental instability, and yet we continue to run after them. They purr once a day, and we fall to our knees and forget everything else in the world.. And give them whatever they want - whether it's breaking open a new £1 pouch of food for the 8th time that day, that they may or may not like - we still do it, happily. To think about it, it's actually not so much unrequited, because at the end of the day you have this form of company, that you can't get from anywhere else really. I mean, they don't judge you (at least not that we know of. Cough. Who knows what they do, whilst talking to themselves.. Probably laugh at what suckers their owners are. Sigh), they don't question you and most of all they just have this great warmth about them. They sit with you when you cry and somehow that feels so comforting and so different. Maybe cause they have no clue what you're saying and they'll just accept your reasoning's. Tsk.

It's such a great feeling coming home to a cat, it really is. I know that a lot of you will be tempted to write and think that I will become a spinster cat lady. =P But I can't help it. Just knowing that there's someone in the form of fluff waiting for you (obviously cause they want something.. Tsk) but you know, we cat people like to believe that they are actually waiting for "us" rather than to snoop through the bags to see what you bought for them. (Also known as Denial).

During nights, when it's getting late, my cat Cookie tends to get quite upset until my mum makes her way to the room - where he can sleep next to her, on her pillow, with his body inside her blanket, which btw, is the cutest thing on this planet, ever. He continuously calls her from the time it's 10, until she actually gets inside the room. He'll wait till she's done all her chores and then eagerly goes to sleep with her. During that time he'll climb on top of her and sit there and purr, with his face stuck to hers, and his cold wet nose dripping with water. And then he'll lightly touch her face with his paw and get this really dreamy and lovey dovey look in his eyes, until she strokes him. That, right there, is something that makes me the happiest person before I go to sleep. He does that with me and my mum mostly, and that is probably one of the most sweetest, most loveliest moments in my life.

Frostie on the other hand is someone who if was human - would probably be an emotional person. He's absolutely lovely. And the most sweetest thing about him is the way he meaws when he's purring. It's like he's telling you that he loves the way you're scratching his belly, but he's also complaining at where you've been all these hours.. That kind of thing. He would also probably be one of those really mysterious kind of men, who would take ages to open up to people and be completely charming.

Sigh. What can I not say about the love I have for cats? It's never ending, it's pure and unconditional - even when they have fleas, ring worms or a frog in their mouth - I love them to bits and pieces and some more. They should be treated like the Kings and Queens that they are.

How.. Can you not think the world of them.. Look at that. I've already melted. =D

Six Years and a Whole lot of life later..

For the past 3 years that I have had this blog, I've always written something on this day. 26th of June. It was the day my dad passed on, and today marks the sixth year.

Every year, I write about different memories I had with him, or what I remember of being a family with him.. Because after all, that is how we all still think of him. But today, I've been thinking - how would life be with him now? Would we have moved to London eventually? Would I be the way I am now - or would I be completely different? How would he have been with my nieces and nephew? And how would he have dealt with all his daughters growing older and seeing them evolve into the more adult part of their lives. For example, with me - university and working. And my sisters - becoming mothers and raising a family.. Heh, I wonder what he would've thought of the various big decisions I've made over the years as well.

I know for sure though, he would've invested in a really big holiday for him and my mum - where he could ride a Harley and my mum could wear a leather jacket.. (Tsk, don't ask.)

There are so many questions in my head, and at times I try really hard to think about how everything would've turned out, had that single minute had not taken place 6 years ago.

As the years go by, it actually gets harder to believe that we've all come so far along. It's shocking to see how we've dealt with our grief and how we've managed to become somewhat whole again (apart from that giant hole). I realise now, how strong each of us are - and how incredibly well we've done in rebuilding our lives since that unfortunate day. When I sit and look back and actually use my fingers to count how many years have gone by, it's actually unbelievable and slightly scary. It really can't have been that long.. But I guess it shows how much we still keep him alive.

I can't really imagine life with him now.. I don't think I've ever really been able to see it, even when I was younger, I couldn't see him in those plans or scenarios I had created for the future. It's weird, but oddly true.

Missing him never stops and questioning his sudden passing also never stops. There's always those low days when it feels like nothing is right and you just feel like you're caught up in too much mess. That's when I start to feel the lack of his presence the most - when I feel like I need some fatherly advice, or that I need a giant finger to hold on to lead me through some turbulence. Sometimes, I'm just a 10 year old, waiting to be embraced by those warm and reassuring arms, into safety.

So here's to you dad. You are and forever will be - the perfect man and angel of my life. Someone who I still talk to when I need help from releasing confusion or general sadness. Even though you're not here, and it's been 6 years since you've been gone - a part of me still childishly waits to hear you come through the door, with a bag of goodies and the smell of Dunhil Desire

Alas, ends the day that took everything. But brought us here.

1992, Dubai - When we first arrived in the UAE.

Waitful Thinking

Having so much time on my hands, whilst on my summer holidays - I've officially employed myself as the ponderer, considering how no one else will employ me to actually work for money. Tsk.

If you know me well enough, or have on some occasion had an in-depth conversation with me - about anything really, you'll know that I think a lot and I wait a lot. I'd say those were my flaws - as well as my greater talents and something I would write on my CV under "Hobbies and Interests" or even "Future Plans" really! Obviously, that would only be taken seriously if I were to apply for a position of being a philosophers assistant - and by that I mean, sit next to him and philosophise about why exactly the world is round, how it rotates, why Pythagoras loved numbers so much and why exactly Newton decided to sit under that very apply tree and ruin all of our lives.. Well, at least the ones who got D's and F's in their GCSE Physics exams. And by that, I do not insinuate anything. Cough.

Don't get me wrong, I love thinking about mundane things as well as those very annoyingly unanswerable questions we all think of at some very obscure moments in our lives. For example - What's the meaning of life, what is love and of course, are the body and mind one and the same thing? And you basically drive yourself absolutely insane by the end of the circular arguments in your head, by which point you welcome insomnia into your lives. It's great, really.

Along with thinking, I happen to find myself waiting a lot. For what, you may wonder? Well that my fellow readers, even I have no clue about.

The other day, for example, I caught myself waiting on the middle of the stairs - wondering what was happening downstairs. Not being clever enough to just go inside and see for myself, I stood there waiting on the stairs like a right dunce. I waited for approximately 20 minutes, in that same spot, thinking to myself of all the options of what could be going on. I will keep these particular thoughts to myself, as they were possibly the most dim and most unnecessary thoughts anyone could have in the span of 20 minutes. But the point of this example is that, I wait a lot. It's an everyday thing really. Be it - waiting for a phone call, waiting for This Morning to start on ITV, waiting at the edge of a bed in a quiet room hoping for something exciting to happen or waiting for yet another plan to immerse into my head about something exceptionally great for my future (.. That last on a span of .2 seconds).. Or, waiting for the fly to land on my window so I can crush it with my finger and then feel remorse as I realise I squished its unborn eggs too.

I'm guessing you all get my point, loud and grossly clear. So I'll move on.

All of this got me thinking (see what I mean! It's a disease.), about how people are always waiting for something. Be it waiting for plane tickets to arrive or seeing a loved one after a long while. There are endless reasons to why people wait. But if you look closely, there's always something we're anticipating. That said, we're probably never fully satisfied with our present lives, as we're caught waiting for something or another to make us stop waiting - if that makes any sense at all! I mean, I know that right now, there are about 10 things I can think of that I'm anticipating - and that's just off the top of my head! Imagine if I made a list. Now that, would be hard labour.

Waiting is tedious and dangerous. It brings upon too many expectations in hope that, that something you are waiting for will either make everything better - and you'll be doomed if it doesn't. So it's kind of scary to settle all your anticipation on one thing. Unless of course you're waiting for the day you are stung by a jellyfish, in which case that is not really fun neither would it make anything better. And, waiting can also be exciting and tomfoolery (Snigger. Using a thesaurus is so absolutely entertaining - you can just stay amused at how you sound so unintelligent really.) - because come on, who wouldn't be excited to receive their new BMW or if you're me at the age of 8 - a new set of colouring pencils. Don't laugh, I lead a very colourful and.. Well, some may say schizophrenic childhood - but hey, not everyone's privileged enough to have "real" friends. Cough.

That brings me to the end of another long post - filled with, well - Thoughts. I am afterall, the next great thinker. Oh yes I am.

I'm off now, to waitfully think some more.. But before I go, here's a quote.. by, Dr. Something or another. Considering how he's a self-help author, It would probably be accurate to say that he's getting you all to look BEYOND yourselves. So as to let us know that THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE (How totally x-files of him!). I will have you all know btw, that I've completely taken his advice and now at my IA (Insane Anonymous) meetings I speak openly, without feeling ashamed of WHO I AM, damnit. So what if I counted my stickers all day long from the ages of 7 - 17. At least I had potential. That's right.. Er.

"Waiting is a trap. There will always be reasons to wait. The truth is, there are only two things in life, reasons and results. And reasons simply don't count."

.. You take his advice, and you're golden. Good to go, and all that jazz.

I think I'm going to write self-help books on reading self-help books. That should be interesting.

This, here - when I come up with new ideas, is my cue to leave.

Livin' On a Prayer.

About a week or so has passed since I've had to move out of my university halls. It's taken me this much time to recover from the lack of sleep, and fade into general boredom and pondering! Gosh, have I not missed that!

The last few days spent at Kingswood (the halls I stayed in) - were the best ever. Karaoke-ing was simply great - seeing all the people I've formed relationships with over the course of the year - singing, laughing and generally chit-chatting over the loud ear-blasting music, was brilliant. We sang the songs that we all knew best and that summed up our year. Cheesy, yes - but still very cool. Singing "living on a prayer" by bon jovi was the greatest ever - I think I lost my voice and my lungs collapsed after that! Tsk.

Other days were spent packing and frantically getting myself in order before the storage guys came along. I think that was a pretty emotional time - because whilst packing, I came across all this stuff and writing and all sorts of other bits and pieces that I've had from over the year, which just reinforced how much I have changed.

Taking down my posters of Wenty and The fray - and the cool Family Guy Quotes poster and all my pictures and little and weird things stuck on my board - were horrible. My room was completely empty and I hated it. It was always so full of - well, junk really.. But it was cool junk! It was! Seeing my bed spread out like it was when I first moved in - all white, with no bed sheets, and no rug on the floor or boots on the side, was just so strange. It felt bittersweet really. I think it sort of hit me a bit whilst on the train from there to London - I realised that we weren't going back to Kingswood, and if we were it wouldn't be "ours" anymore. But there was this feeling of looking forward to the coming weeks of moving into my house with my friends and the summer.

Whilst studying for my exams - me and my friends would sit along the grass, and create picnics. You know - cheese, lettuce, nuts and cous cous! With the usual bee's and wasps flying around, and me running around like an imbecile trying to find safety under a book. Tsk.

Sigh..

Thinking over my time spent there now - I've realised how much I've experienced, and how much I've changed. I love the new me and I love everything about my life.. You know, with a few alterations ;) haha. But nah, it's been a pretty awesome year.

Still though, looking into empty rooms is always very very strange. Heh.

*Tear rolls down her cheek, in s-l-o-w motion. So slow that it's not even moving.*

Cough.

Hairy And The Lost Ant - A new bestseller!!!

Spending time with the family is always lovely. Spending time with insects however, is not.

A few nights ago, there I sat on the couch. Listening to passing conversations in the living room.. Minding my own business and watching UKTV Food (come on! It's the greatest channel ever!) whilst drinking water. A perfectly normal thing to do 1 am in the morning, right? It may seem normal.. But there was a little thing that wasn't. The ant.

I started eating rice at night, as I was hungry. A glass of water was in my hand whilst talking to my brother in law. A few minutes I see an ant crawl into my bowl of rice. Seeing it before it made it to the actual food, I flicked it. Where does it land? Right into my glass of water. Yep. What are the chances of that happening, I think to myself.. And just then I look back into my glass. And the ant has gone. Again, what are the chances of a drowning ant coming out and walking away? Pretty slim.. I'd say.

That's my story. Yes, a best seller I'd say. Obviously I'd make it more dramatic, so it can last for 100 pages.

Anyway! Moving on to other things:

I've realised that diaper-talk is the most boring thing on earth. I was at a dinner a few nights ago with the family.. And obviously my sisters, and a family friend were all talking about their babies. I think I saw my whole life flash by me in those few hours. I thought of things I've not thought of in a while. An example of the conversation, If I may..

Sister 1: Does your son sleep more than my daughter?
Family Friend: Well not really. He wakes up really in the morning.
Sister 2: I know, tell me about it. I'm awake by 6 and playing with them.
Sister 1: What nappies do you use?
Family Friend: We were going to try the natural one by Boots but I wasn't sure.
Sister 2: Oh my, don't use those. Those are terrible. She doesn't feel comfy in them.
Sister 1: Yeah, neither do mine.

Yep. It was the most tedious thing ever. Although the food was great. I've now realised that baby talk is all I have to hear for a few years! So now I need to be ready for a lot of general pondering about life and all that jazz for the next few years!! How exciting!

Other than the nappie talk.. I have to say my nieces and nephew are quite sweet.

My summer has begun. Well it began ages ago. But considering how hot it was today, I think it's safe to say that I think I felt like I was walking through Dubai during a normal day. Yes, THAT hot! Tsk.

So I was thinking about what I would do after I finished uni in two years time.. I got really really excited at the thought and then went to bed, due to the sheer exhaustion of thinking of my future. It was scary and funny. Although it's safe to say that I didn't get further than the sleep I had. So yes, no real conclusion there about the future yet! Which is awesome, in my opinion.

I'm off - to go and create yet another bank account (that's 4, people. Four. Who's cool now?!)

Completely Incomplete

Empty souls, is what we are. It's been an ongoing realisation process for me to kind of see and find out how people are.. It's like we're all empty souls just walking around, and when we find something that fills a space, even if it's momentarily, we hold on to it so tight.. Just to make sure that part of you stays a bit complete.

Some people go through a large portion of their lives with no kind of partner to love. Others have them for a moment, and then they just pass by. Some have them for a lifetime but take it for granted, others have them for a lifetime and try to make the most of what they have. I don't really know where I fall in all of this.. I don't really know where my future is heading, or how it's going to shape out to be.

When I was much younger I used to think that my life would either lead into scenario A or B; Scenario A being the one where I get everything I want, but somehow find myself lonely. Scenario B being the one where I don't get everything I want, but somehow find myself feeling complete. For now I think I'm in between being complete and incomplete.

If I had a chance to change things I've done or not done, I would most definitely take the opportunity, not thinking twice and go right ahead and put things straight. But, realistically speaking how is any of that possible? You can't really live a "perfect" life. To be honest, I don't even think the word perfect exists. Everything I know about the world, or about people shows it to be imperfect. And that I guess is what is great about it all - like the people we love and care for, we love them because they have all these strange edges to them, all these completely insane and weird and perhaps even irritating qualities to them. And that is what makes a person.. Well, an individual.

I don't think a person can ever feel entirely complete. There's always something missing. At times you know what it is, and at others you have no clue. Though there are those odd days where you feel that nothing in the world can make you feel as great and "perfect" as the way you do then - but even those pass. I think it's completely impossible to be 100% satisfied with every single aspect of your life at any given point in your life. In my opinion, it doesn't exist. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that it's hard to be happy with your life, I'm just saying that it's just not possible to feel that everything is "complete". Those are two different things.

Meh.

We always want more. We always want things that are out of reach or in our eyes, are impossible to get to.

So here I stand, strangely incomplete and without a clue.