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"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman, "O me! O life!... of the questions of these recurring; of the endless trains of the faithless... of cities filled with the foolish; what good amid these, O me, O life?" Answer. That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. That the powerful play "goes on" and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?"

Wherever you are, and whatever you do.. Be in Love.

Miracles have been happening everywhere. I have noticed small but distinct things unfold right in front of me. Whether it's a conversation with someone who was previously unknown to me, or finding out something new "by chance", it's all been completely wonderful. I've also realised that these miracles have been there in front of me, all along. Thing is, I never noticed certain individuals, or absorbed the words I was putting out there through my blog, or to the universe in general. I was simply, in deep sleep. And now that I've finally opened my eyes, I'm finding that every day there's a small miracle that shows me how wonderful things actually are. It's in that moment of wholeness, do you realise how much you've been missing.

Since my last long post, I took a few days to really work on myself more than I had been. I pretty much cranked up everything I was doing, and delving in to the deep end with all my various issues. I saw those patterns of destruct within me, and I felt quite imbalanced. It was basically time to just renew myself. Almost like going to a spa. Coming out rejuvenated at the other end. Except this wasn't expensive, and I wasn't sharing the jacuzzi with some old ladies. This was my own spa. I built rooms of therapy, each room filled with "big things" that needed to be treated, for instance - my inability to be totally happy about something I love, due to feeling scared that it won't last. Some rooms had more than one big thing inside, whilst others had just one, very very large big thing. As I made my way through each room, I analysed where these issues had stemmed from. I thought of various therapies I could give myself - maybe a nice aromatherapy massage to calm down the nerves, or a green tea infused steam to settle the heated thoughts. No, that's not what I needed, for those are only temporary answers to a long term problem. I waited for a few moments, stood in the corridor of my spa and took a few breaths. The answer came almost instantly. Love. That's what I needed. I needed to use love to dissolve all the "big things" that have been building over the years.

Several days passed and I saw the substantial change in my thought patterns. I'm still not where I need to be, but the direction I am heading makes me feel positive to know that I am finally surrounding myself and growing in love. It's no longer tainted or dark. And that, feels so wonderful.

The funny thing is - we never actually understand how simple the solutions are to inner turmoil. We always think it's much bigger than we could fathom, much farther than we can climb to, and harder than we can bear. Just being open to this type of change can turn your world down upside within moments.

I know I harp on about love a lot - but there are so many types of love you can have in your life and that you can experience - it can take you places in an instant. It's one of the best feelings in the world, I think - when you finally let it all in completely. And I'm not only talking about love to yourself, but love that you share with another soul as well.

This year so far, has been one of the most loving, most cherishing and totally encapsulating year I have had the pleasure to witness in forever. I have a slight feeling that this is only the beginning. And what a thrilling thought that is!

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"My face hurts from how much you make me laugh"

Candid

"This positivity stuff is hard work!" I told myself a few days ago. I am so determined to make better changes in myself all the time, to not be the negative and cynical person I once was. It's actually a deep rooted fear of mine - that I'll somehow return to negative ways. I feel that there's a better version of me out there and I need to get to it as quickly as possible. But that's incorrect. That's almost abusive to the me here in the present. Because I am the best version of myself for every day that passes, yet I never stop to appreciate that. And that's when it hit me - I have this self-pressurising problem. And on top of that, I'm a "future-worrier".. What is a future-worrier you ask? Well, let me tell you.

A future-worrier is someone who is unable to enjoy the day, the hour and the moment they are in today. They're always searching for something else - usually not in the present. Whatever they want is in the future - in that open space that is totally unknown to us. 

I remember telling myself the other day "I really want to learn how to do this new activity. I know, I'll do it after this other event takes place, because I'll be happier by then." I had to stop walking at that moment. And take a deep breath, and try not to get annoyed at myself. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we constantly sit and wait for tomorrow when today is happening as we breathe. I don't understand it. I don't understand myself, more importantly.

It comes down to the fact that I actually don't know how to fully live in the moment. I talk about it a lot, and I want to know how to do it completely - but I simply do not right now. My brain, which is programmed to be the logical and the rational entity within me - tells me that I have to plan for safety. And the future, which is an unknown space, isn't safe. Therefore I have to worry about it. And then worry some more - and then eventually it's 12AM and I've lost a day in the "tomorrow I'll do this".. And I'm left thinking, "what the hell did I do today?" Being a future-worrier is the worst job on this planet. Let me tell you that! And you don't even get paid for it - because guess who employed you? You! And it doesn't even look good on a CV!

Now that I've realised this - I'm in the early stages of learning how to fix it. Because if there's one thing I have strong faith in - it is that, there's always a solution. And the answers are always within me. I am already so well equipped to deal with everything that comes my way, I just forget to sharpen those tools every now and then. What a great thought though - we are the plumbers, the carpenters and the healers in our lives. We don't need to outsource any of these jobs to anyone else. The answer never lies in another person. They can of course be there to support you, but ultimately - you are the fixer. And you're bloody good at it!

I've learnt something very simple about the future - it hasn't happened yet. And it's probably not as bad as I'm foreseeing it to be. In fact, it never is. I look back on events that I feared before they happened, and the funniest thing is - they were always so much more chilled out than I had expected. After those events were over, I recall thinking to myself "well, that was a whole lot of wasted energy for nothing."

Another symptom of being a future-worrier is over-thinking. I'm actually pretty good at that. In fact, I've given myself paper medals to show how wonderful I am at it. I can over think a situation in to oblivion any day. I am usually at least 50 or more steps ahead of someone when they're talking about something. And that is because I've reached a conclusion before they've even sussed out the beginning. And mind you, the conclusions are hardly ever happy or simple. I tend to complicate things before they've happened. It has to be a talent.

Now, enough berating myself and on to the important stuff. It was hard coming to the realisation that I am all of these things. I have more cracks and faults than I can count. But at the same time, it's never too late to change. The first step is always accepting one's truth. It's actually easier after that. Because you start to make small changes, and once you taste those small rewards, you just want to bite off a chunk and relish the goodness of everything else that follows.

This journey I am on is wonderful. It's made me realise so much about myself in such a short space of time. For one - I never knew that all that moving around I did whilst growing up affected me so deeply. Although they will always be some of the greatest experiences I've ever had - and I'm ever thankful for them - it is only now that I see what the after effects of it were. For instance - I constantly searched for that feeling of "home".. I always talked about it, and always craved for it. Home for me isn't only a place to live - but it's the person or people who are part of your surrounding. It's a deeper connection with the soul or souls around you, where there is an abundance of love and affection you share and you feel totally covered in warmth and comfort at all times. I know now what it feels like, having witnessed it.. And let me tell you, the years of craving it were totally worth it.

The other thing I've learnt is that I'm actually terribly harsh on myself. In fact, we all are. In a day, the amount of times I refer to myself as a "sausage" or an "idiot" and so forth, is actually unreal. It's possibly every other word. Now although I'm saying it jokingly - the universe is taking it literally. And so is my brain. And well if I'm a sausage, then I'll do more sausagey things as the day passes, because I've reaffirmed that to myself over and over. It's a cycle that needs to stop. I'm actually a very creative individual - and calling myself silly names throughout the day will only create more resistance within me for becoming a better person.

On a more deeper level, I always tell myself that I'm behaving or reacting incorrectly when something unpredictable happens. I'm sadly, not very kind to myself. I use harsh tones and words and almost talk to myself like a parent would, whilst scolding a child. It's like I'm still mad at my younger self for the various things she did. I am still in the process of forgiving my past self. But I'm definitely moving forward. I feel a little bit more loving towards her, and may give her a hug soon, for she was never at fault for the ways she reacted to all the events that unfolded for her. She did the best she could. And for that, I appreciate her wholeheartedly now.

Fears, of any kind are a deeper manifestation of how much you trust and love yourself. The more you are unable to trust yourself, the more you will feel that you're incapable of dealing with what lies or will lay before you. Anxieties and worries form from fears because you believe that you're not worthy of whatever is unfolding in front of you.. Especially if it's good. The better the situation, the higher the fear because you're afraid of it slipping away from you. And when you feel that way, you want to immediately take it all in so that you don't lose it. It's what the books call having a "fear of loss." Those fears, in my eyes are the hardest to deal with. But once you get past those.. The rest are really easy to dissolve. 

It's important to remember in your journey that you are not what has happened to you. Don't let yourself be defined by your past and your fears. And don't put faith in those fears. You have the choice to become whoever you want to be, whenever you choose to be. It's just about making a small amount of effort. 

Change is good for the skin.

On that note - here is a brand new (favourite) song.

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"I knew, when I met you.. An adventure was going to happen"

                                           - A.A. Milne

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Paige: I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness and to have the patience that love demands, to speak when words are needed and to share the silence when they are not, to agree to disagree on red velvet cake, and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home. 

Leo: I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love. And to always know in the deepest part of my soul that no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find our way back to each other.

                                                                                                         - The Vow 

"The Past is Always Tense.. The Future, Perfect"

Recently I've had a really hard time battling emotions, experiences and other reference points from my past. Now as you know, I generally keep a low profile, a happy and positive outlook as much as possible and try and make every day count towards a more content life.

The thing about the past is that it creeps up on you when you least expect it. Which is strange because I'm a firm believer of keeping those types of things locked somewhere without easy access. The past is there for a reason - to learn from. I dislike looking back too much, because that would cause regrets. I totally loathe it. And I feel totally uneasy about regrets, and don't believe in having many. It makes me nervous and it brings no good feelings most of the time. You see, digging in to your past is fine if you are remembering some good memories and are sharing them to gain a happy-nostalgic feeling (although this should not be overdone either!). What I find however, is that, people tend to look in to their past to remember how difficult a certain phase was for them (I find that older aunties etc, seem to be more in to this type of thing. Where they talk about hard times that they faced. There's so much hurt, bitterness and hardships that they endured, that it's understandable. But it's so damaging to constantly remember how painful things were. It's tiring. And it keeps you so closely attached to a sad part of you). And I am guilty of this on several occasions too, mind. But as humans - we have this inability to just accept our past for what it was. We can't change it. It's happened, it's there, there may be scars from it to remind you of those experiences - but that's it. That's their purpose. To remind you that you went through several storms and had turbulent moments, but that the future is completely free of any negative presumptions or nastiness. It's brand new. And that, my fellow readers is such a wonderful thought. 

(Warning: this is going to sound totally, irrevocably insane on so many levels.) My problems arose when I realised that the situation I've been in for the last month or so had been one of significant wonderfulness. It was free of any negativity, and anything vicious. It was built on pure love, calmness and ease. It was then, that my entire brain exploded with the insane awfulness of a similar situation I had been in, a few years prior. So what did I do? Well, I started recalling how unhappy and unstable I felt - along with how difficult the situation was. I recall only very bad things about this as it is (and actually haven't thought about it in grave detail for a very long time), and I remember it being one of the worst things I had to endure. It was a time of complete inner turmoil, and detachment from so many emotions and it was frankly, unpretty. In fact, I used to write very dark posts on my blog at the time, vague ones (obviously) in order to communicate how broken I felt.

Wow, such strong, negative words right there. Gross.

Fast forward to the last few weeks and what do I see? Happiness. Complete and utter, unfiltered happiness. And my entire being freaks out. "How can this be normal?", "why isn't this as hard as I remember?", "It was so utterly dark and spiral-ey!".. And like that, with all my twitty self, I almost became that very sad person I was a few years ago, with the same fears and the same doubts. It was literally, that easy. A few past references caught up with my brain, I let them in, and voila, I got myself in to a nice oily pickle all by myself. And it wasn't even tasty. 

What I should have done is, revelled and bathed myself in the intense happiness and normality of a brilliant situation, and the moment I felt Past Sanaa peek through to me, I should have just told her to go find a big lemon and suck it, really. Instead, I let her in, in fact, I welcomed her in - even gave her a bed and warm pj's to wear. She almost made a home, and thankfully Present Sanaa realised what a ridiculous situation this was, and told Past Sanaa to, well, take a hike. Far away. In fact she gave her directions to get lost.  

To be honest, in hindsight, there was never a real reason for me to have such a massive freak out. But hey, at least I've learnt a valuable lesson now - there's no point in living in past experiences for present amazingness, and pre-empting future disasters. And believe me, no one better than yourself can create those disasters. It's all in the way you work with your mind, and accept the good that is coming your way - and only hope for more good to encircle your presence in the future. The choice, is easy. It's just hard to set your mind up like that, because we are so accustomed to being impatient pessimistic drones. We fear the unknown that is our future, and the only way to go in to it, is with all that baggage. It's to reinforce to yourself that you are "well-equipped" for any "bad things" that are coming your way. Except we never "prepare" ourselves for the total greatness that is waiting for us ahead. 

Here's to a lighter, happier and more chilled out tomorrow. And all of the tomorrow's that follow. 

A song.

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“I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time.”

- A.A. Milne

This Covers Everything

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh?" he whispered.
"Yes, Piglet?" 
"Nothing" said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. "I just wanted to be sure of you.”

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I know I've been putting up a lot of quotes since this year began. The reason is, I've been reading a lot more and therefore I come across some of the wonderfully written sentences and paragraphs I've ever witnessed. Perhaps I'm more aware and appreciative of said words now than I have been in the past, I don't know.. But I do enjoy them, and some of them seem to stick in my mind for a very very long while.

“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.”
I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way. Let our scars fall in love.” 

 - Galway Kinnell 

Three Double Zero

This is my Eighth Year of blogging. That's a bit crazy. And it's also my 300th post! Which is doubly crazy. Especially since, more than 300 days have passed in the last 8 years (ie - I haven't blogged every day of every year). Although I like the relationship I have with my writing and my frequency of posting. 

In the early days of my blog - access was private. Only a select few had the (dis)pleasure of reading my rants on various things, and of course my inarticulate way of putting them across to this small audience. I'm not entirely sure when I opened the blog up to the world. But I think it made me feel a little less comfortable at first, and a lot more aware of what I was saying out there.

I've tried to be vague in most places, not divulging too much, but at the same time, pouring out my thoughts and my love for writing and all that it brings with it. It's only recently where I've noticed myself being more open and honest about what my story has been, currently is and what I hope it will turn in to. Now of course, even these thoughts and feelings are of the edited kind, but it makes me feel better knowing that they're out there as opposed to causing far too much excitement or havoc within me.

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. Whenever I have felt sad, lonely or completely lost - one of my greatest releases was to write down my thoughts - to get them organised and to understand where they came from. It's one of the few ways I got to know myself better. It took me many years to understand what my thoughts were about, what these thoughts led to and what they made me feel. It's so hard to grasp on to such concepts at a younger age, especially with all sorts of changes going on in and out of your mind. There were times, I won't lie, I felt I was completely lost and therefore going insane. And when I read back on various things I've written - whether on my blog, in random pieces of papers, etc. - I get a glimpse of what I was going through at the time, and how absurd some of my thoughts and feelings were. Some were even terrifying. And to be in that state of unhappiness and deep sadness is so tiring. You miss out on so much - yet you feel there's a force that won't let you see the bright side of things. It's a dark, dark place to be. 

This blog is quite special to me - as it reflects a part of me that I would have otherwise liked to have forgotten. It stays there as a reminder of the various battles I faced, as well as some of the happy and positive times I had. And it reminds me that these things aren't meant to be forgotten, but also not overly remembered constantly (I don't want to be THAT person) - but they're meant to teach me how to become a better version of myself, and stay as grounded as possible and to have people in my life that help me in those ways. 

I also think I represent myself better with words than I do with speech. I'm always more reserved and quiet in person than I am via messaging or emails, so forth. Although even with this, I've become more open when around company I enjoy being with. The initial anxiety of being around many people and striking up conversations has passed, and now it takes only a few minutes for me to adjust before I become Miss Chatterbox. 

To end with - I love writing, I love sharing my thoughts and I've so far enjoyed sharing my stories with you. The stories that follow will be even better, I assure you. 

Here's a song. A lovely lovely song!

Twenty Six

Four years away from Thirty. That's the first thing I thought after I got my first birthday call at midnight. As that faded quickly, I sat and had a few moments to myself where I thought over the last year (as I do, every year!).. Twenty five, was spectacularly crazy. It was the age where I figured so much out, but also the most hardest - especially when it came to coming to terms with various life lessons, loss, responsibilities and the idea of love.

I was talking to a friend last night, and we both agreed that since we graduated from university until 25 - life was just really complicated and really confusing. Hormones ran high, a career seemed to be the most important thing on my mind and trying to find "the one" was a chore. It was all wrong. But it was all the wrong I had to do in order to get to the Eureka! moment I had a few months ago. 

I may not have everything figured out - there are still so many things I need to sort out and accept, but I felt that 25 was the peak of all cathartic emotions. Everything blew up and everything made sense all at the same time. Although I have to say that the start and middle of it was pretty rocky.

I'm not going to review my year. I've shared some of the thoughts already throughout the year. What I will say is that - weirdly enough, the big things I wanted to achieve when I was 25, I somehow managed to. 

I think when it's the right time, things just have a way of working out and magically falling in to place. It's the time to just indulge in the forthcoming wonderful experiences and insane amounts of happiness. Because that, my fellow readers is what 26 will be all about (and Sky Diving. Yes, it's still on my list.. 4 years later).

A quote, to complete my thoughts:

“I know not all that may be coming, but be it what it will, I'll go to it laughing.” - Herman Melville (Moby Dick)